"Worry comes from trying to control anything which I am not equipped nor prepared nor responsible to control: in other words, anything outside of my sphere of responsibility, my “circle of authority.” How often do I step outside this circle and try to drag something back in with me, something that does not fit, something that belongs in someone else's care?"

The Worry Addiction

We start the moment we wake up in the morning and keep at it until exhaustion finally shuts off our active brain. We continue even in sleep, in our subconscious and our dreams bringing out our worries and tossing them around, sorting them, counting and naming and nurturing them. We must have something to gnaw on, something to worry with, to examine and analyze, to prove or disprove, to criticize or fear or envy. We are compulsive worriers.

Why do we nurture this worry habit? Have you noticed that no matter how quickly one problem is solved we find another one immediately to take its place? We don't recognize the cycle as a cycle, an addictive cycle, and we honestly believe that “once this mess is taken care of,” everything will be back to normal again. But normal, for most of us, involves perpetual worry because we gain from it a feeling of control. But wouldn't it be nice to do something besides worry? Read the rest of this entry »

Picture yourself and your spouse on your 50th wedding anniversary. Is it a happy picture? Are you smiling, content? Are you satisfied with what you have put into this fifty-year-long relationship? Are you still best friends? Are you still in love?
Being in love is not a phase for teenagers or newlyweds. In love does not have to end with the honeymoon or the first child or financial woe. Whether or not you are in love tomorrow depends on the choices you make today. Love is not an out-of-control feeling but a structure, built up by action upon action, choice upon choice, or vulnerable and falling apart from abuse, neglect, and apathy. Choose to build your structure well by making these 12 choices.

1. Choose to be a team. No more separate lives, interests, friends, even jobs. View every endeavor as a shared one, even if your part is minimal. Joe puts in 40+ hours a week at his family's business; I put in about 2 or 3 hours a week updating the website from the comfort of home. But when we have a shop meeting, I'm there. When policies change, I want to know. I care. It's "our business."

2. Choose to accept your husband's personality. Oh, how many heartaches could be avoided with a little understanding! Personality types are very simple but most of us know nothing about them, and into this lifelong relationship we go only to be shocked by the fact that this strange creature chooses not be just like me! What could be wrong with him? Well, dear, nothing. The problem is ignorance: not everyone is like you! Save yourself more heartache by getting educated about personalities, and make the choice to love and embrace who your husband is, as he is. Do not try to make him more like yourself. There is a reason different personalities are attracted to each other. They balance each other out. Don't ruin it all by forcing your husband to try to become some twisted, mediocre version of who he is supposed to be.

3. Choose to bite your tongue. Here is a simple test: When faced with the choice of these two cliches, which should you choose? "Silence is Golden," or "Honesty is the Best Policy." If you picked the first, then you've learned a thing or two already. Honesty is best. Don't ever lie to your husband. Not good. But also don't feel like you have to share every single little thought that goes through your head with your husband. "Woman, be silent!" is an admonition we all need sometimes. It is okay to just sit in quietness together. It is not only okay, it is necessary for the sake of a happy marriage, to sit in quietness when you are thinking negative things. To sum it up with an even better cliche, remember what my Mom used to say: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

4. Choose to talk about your husband positively. Now is the time for talking! You're with his family, or your family, or a group of friends. Someone finishes a story, everyone laughs appropriately, and that small silence fills the air as everyone waits for the next topic. Jump in. "Did I tell you all about this new deck Bob just build onto our house?" Or "Did you hear that John's boss said he was the most valuable member of management?" Or "Steve did the sweetest thing the other night..." You know the man. Next time you are en route to a social event, review a few positive stories (feel free to share them with him as you drive; he won't mind) and share them. (Understood in this admonition is its opposite as well: Don't talk about your husband negatively.)

5. Choose to be his best friend. You know about best friends. Best friends talk on the phone, go out, spend time together, have secrets and inside jokes, know embarrassing stories about each other, remember birthdays... well, the female best friends do, anyway! Guy best friends are a little different. They don't go to the bathroom in pairs and they don't paint their nails together. So compromise a little bit. The point is that best friends seek out and enjoy each other's company; they laugh together; they make each other a Read the rest of this entry »

Assumptions are those controlling, basic habits of the mind. They are what we think without thinking. They are the default. An assumption is a "statement that is assumed to be true and from which a conclusion can be drawn," or "a hypothesis that is taken for granted" (WordNet).

We all operate from assumptions to some degree. We assume the world will keep spinning, the sun will rise, and our boss will expect us to show up at work as usual. So we set the alarm, get up, get dressed, and go to work. What's the problem with assumptions like that? Nothing, really. Those type of assumptions are what I call experiential assumptions. They are based on our former experiences and validated every time the experience is repeated, which is usually often.

Many experiential assumptions are accurate to a large degree, perhaps even for all of our lives. What happens, however, is that as we operate on a daily basis from experiential assumptions, we think less often and less consciously and simply operate on automatic. We get lazy.

We have assumptions about each other: spouse, children, parents, siblings, co-workers, friends, strangers. We have assumptions about spirituality, intellect, physical history, relationships, and morality. We carry these assumptions with us and apply them to the appropriate subjects without stopping to think about what the assumptions are, where they came from, what they are based on, and whether they are accurate. We assume they are true without stopping to question their history, logic, source, or motivation.

Racism comes from unquestioned assumptions. Discrimination of all kinds comes from unquestioned assumptions. Persecution - both of the religious and by the religious - comes from unquestioned assumptions. These unquestioned, unfounded assumptions are usually based on little more than the attitudes and concepts we picked up as children from our families, our peers, and our culture. They might have been someone else's experiential assumption in a different time and place, but they may no longer be valid. Or they may be based on a one-time, never-repeated experience so powerful that a person based a life's assumption upon it, and then passed it on to you. You assumed it was accurate. You assumed you could trust the source.

Assumptions are subtle and dangerous due to that subtlety. Even when they are mostly accurate, if they are never questioned, never grounded on something more than tradition, we accept the danger of operating our daily lives on the basis of something that may be relative to time, place, and preference.

Examining our assumptions is a basic first step toward living a life that is thoughtful and fulfilling. Here's an exercise that can help you get started.

• 1. Write down ten foundational beliefs you have. They may not be the "top ten" but you will probably think of the most important things first. If you have trouble getting started, ask yourself what you believe about these topics:  God/spirituality, family, relationships, work, your past, your personality, and money.
• 2. Now comes the questioning. For each belief you wrote down, ask these questions: What is this belief based on? What is the source of this belief? What is the reasoning behind this belief? Has my personal experience repeatedly validated this belief? When did I choose to believe this?
• 3. Based on your answers, you can determine if what you've written as a belief is that - something you have consciously chosen to put faith in based on reason and/or experience -  or if it is merely an assumption, something handed down to you that you simply accepted.
• 4. Now what? The "beliefs" that turned out to be assumptions are not necessarily inaccurate; they just give you a starting point. Start digging. Start thinking. Do some research. Start looking for something true and real about these assumptions of yours. Are they worthwhile? Do they merit a place as a foundational belief that will influence the course of your life?

1. Always be on the phone when you see him at the end of the day.

   Preferably, be talking to your girlfriend, your sister, or your mom about a topic that either (a) irritates him or (b) means absolutely less than nothing to him. Give him a slight wave but don't interrupt your conversation to give him a kiss, a smile, or a word. Continue talking with all the intensity you can muster. Be extremely interested in your conversation. Show no signs of slowing down just because he's around. And make sure you talk loudly, pace, or otherwise make yourself impossible to ignore. If you're at home, be sure the kitchen is dark and cold and very much untouched by you.

2. Talk to him like you would to your five-year-old nephew.

   An extremely effective method of irritation. Make sure you use the same small words, repeat yourself, ask if he understands at the end of every sentence, and throw in a somewhat drippy, condescending tone to top it all off. Use an appropriate pet name: cutie, silly boy, munchkin, and little man are all excellent choices.

3. Never tell him what's of concern to you, and never ask for his help.

   Be sure your stress is evident: creased brow, frown lines, nervous movements, loud sighs, and lots of muttering to yourself. If he takes the bait and asks you what's wrong, look at him like you forgot he was there, give a little laugh and say, “Oh, nothing honey, really...” Then ask him a very unimportant question using Method #2. Be sure you continue to look adequately stressed about your issue as he answers your question. Bonus points: Have a muttered, somewhat secretive phone conversation with girlfriend/sis/mom about said issue later that night. Be sure he sees you and catches your stressed tone of voice.

4. Keep a mental list of his faults; add to it continually.

   Of course you know he's not perfect, and the best way to show him that you know is to keep thinking about all the ways he isn't. You actually don't have to say any of these out loud to communicate your displeasure (although there will be chances for that, too). Just keeping that mental list will be sufficient, and be sure you add every new fault you notice as soon as you notice it, even if it's only happened once. Also, come up with creative little titles for the faults on your mental list. Include dramatic words with a sense of finality and hopelessness. For example, “picks his nose in the car” should be called “Is SO disgusting because he's ALWAYS shoving his finger up his nose in the MIDDLE of traffic.” Much more effective.

5. Mock him publicly, especially in front of your family and/or his friends.

   You will, of course, never be at a loss for what to mock him about since you've got that handy mental list ready at all times. And since you're continually thinking about it and adding to it, you'll be able to create a connection with whatever conversation you're in, no matter how vague to everyone else. Example: You run into a couple of friends at the grocery store who relate the horrible car wreck they witnessed yesterday. You listen and nod and then say, “Well, at least Jimbo here wasn't with you. He would've just stuck his finger up his nose as usual, right in front of all the cops...” Ignore Jimbo's look of chagrin. Ignore the fact that you've only actually seen him pick his nose twice in your entire relationship.

6. Moderate your interest level carefully.

   This is a key concept if you really want to alienate your husband. You need to practice because if you go too overboard with either demonstration it will just be weird. So get those “I'm really interested” signals down very well. Use them anytime you get a phone call, anytime you're talking about your past, anytime someone else in a group that includes your husband is talking, and especially when you're talking about your preferences, your day, or your emotions. Now, for the “I'm not at all interested and I'm just managing to tolerate the hideous boredom of this conversation” signals, pick key times. These include anytime your husband is talking about his family, his work, or his past; anytime he shares an idea (any kind of idea); anytime you're at some event that is more in keeping with his interests than yours; and especially anytime he hints around for intimacy. Really, the only time you should show interest when your husband talks is when he talks about you.

7. Cultivate irritating habits.

   The infamous silent treatment is probably the mother of all irritating habits. Be sure you use that one often. Nagging, of course, is another especially effective irritation. Use a whiny voice even when you're in a good mood. Sigh often without explanation. Blame everything on your hormones, your past, or your husband's typically male inability to be sensitive enough. Make fun of anything overtly masculine about him. Make fun of anything he likes that you don't. Forget the names of important people from his past. Act a little fuzzy about what he actually does at work when anyone asks. Get a baby-innocent blank look to employ when he asks you about his favorite sweater, season tickets, or “planned” trip to his family reunion. Come up with a girly, demeaning name for his favorite band, sport, place, food, etc., and use it often.

8. Be obviously manipulative.

   Face it, you're probably manipulative anyway, and it's probably obvious to your husband even if he doesn't point it out. Well, go ahead and play it up for all it's worth. Use that baby voice. Use sex as a prize if he does what you want (or lack thereof as punishment if he doesn't). Use all your best irritating habits to get what you want. Nag him about a vacation until he agrees. Start giving him the silent treatment if he doesn't seem interested in taking you to that new romantic comedy (making it even more romantic when he finally does agree to take you). Threaten to call his mother, your mother, his boss, or his best friend whenever needed. Use impossibly unreasonable jabs like “Do you really want me to be unhappy?” and “You really hate our kids, don't you?” and “I just never expected you to be so insensitive all the time.”

9. Never tell him what you want in a way that makes sense.

   Rely on your irritating habits and manipulation skills to get what you want. Never, ever just ask him for something in a normal voice. If he asks you a direct question about your preference, just say something like, “Oh, you know.....” or “Oh... I don't really care....”. Of course, if he makes the mistake of taking you seriously and simply making a decision without questioning you further and deciphering your hints until he finally figures out what you do want, employ one of those irritating habits like the silent treatment.

10. Maintain your impossible expectations.

    All those items on your mental list of your husband's faults are probably negative exaggerations of your own expectations of what he should be. By all means, hang on to these expectations, no matter how silly, because they are invaluable in keeping your husband alienated. Whatever you do, never consider the possibility that your expectations are the problem, not your husband's hideous faults. Meditate on your expectations religiously. See them as the key to your happiness. Refer to them as the only separation between the two of you and marital bliss. Take no responsibility for your attitudes or emotions when they go haywire due to an expectation being, once again, grossly unfulfilled. Consider yourself a selfless martyr every time your husband fails to either automatically understand an expectation or flawlessly meet it.

Employ these ten simple habits and you are well on your way to continual conflict, total dissolution of mutual interests, and marital hell. They're effective enough to be used singly whenever harmony seems to be rearing its ugly head, but are especially helpful when collectively applied over time. Ruin your marriage – don't let a day go by without alienating your husband!

What It Means to Be a Help Meet

How do we best assist in the work of ruling the earth? Should I pack up the kids and follow my husband around in his work all day, offering an extra hand when needed? Should I stay at home, on my knees, spending all my time in prayer for God's favor on my husband? Back to the beginning for the answer.

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire [shall be] to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed [is] the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat [of] it all the days of thy life; Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground... (Genesis 3:16-19a KJV).

 The Environment

The man and woman are receiving the consequences of their sin. To the woman, sorrow and pain in bearing children is promised; to the man, toil and sorrow in working the ground and producing food. The consequences directly effect the initial instruction given to the man and woman. They were both instructed to be fruitful and multiply, to fill the earth and subdue it, to have dominion over all living things. The man's particular work, to tend and to keep the garden, is cursed. The portion of the command that applies particularly to women – that for which she alone is fitted – is likewise cursed.

Particular Instructions

Man has been instructed to procreate, but obviously he needs the woman in order to obey this instruction. Both the man's and woman's roles are refreshingly obvious. There can be no controversy over who is responsible for what in the procreation process. What each one is particularly suited to do is what each one is required to do. This principle holds true in obeying the rest of the instruction given to man and woman. The question that arises is this: What is woman particularly suited to do? Is there a general answer which fits all women, or does the answer vary from woman to woman?

Biblical instruction speaks to women in general. In matters of character and attitude, we are to be reverent, respectful, encouraging, sensible, pure, kind, modest, discreet, chaste, gentle, tranquil, delighted, happy, strong, dignified, wise, kind, and diligent. The list* of our activities, put in priority according to the number of times mentioned (indicated in parentheses), is as follows: Be married/love/be subject to husbands (4); Love/bring up/bear children (3); Work at home, keep house, look well to household (3); Do good works (3); Have proper (modest, beautiful) adornment (3); Assist those in distress (2); Work with hands (2); Profit through business ventures (2); Teach what is good (1); Show hospitality (1); Minister to the saints (1); Shop (for food) (1); Maintain physical health (1); Provide clothing for family (1).

Love Makes an Able Assistant

The instruction to love our husbands reiterates the position we hold as their helpers. Love makes an able assistant. The references to children reiterates our portion of the command to be fruitful and multiply. The rest is surprisingly general. The instruction to manage the household is by no means an exclusive work limit, as we are also instructed to profit through business ventures, to assist those in distress, and to do good works. Certainly a woman might accomplish all three of those activities within the physical structure of the home; she might also accomplish them out of it.

The obvious focus of these passages** is husband, children, and home. Not surprising, since only a woman can be a wife, only a woman can bear a child, and only a fool would think that a man can keep house as adeptly and efficiently as a woman. Note, however, that a man is not exempt from responsibility in matters of children and household. A man who desires to be an overseer must “...be} one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?) (1 Timothy 3:4-5). Likewise, men who are deacons “must be husbands of {only} one wife, {and} good managers of {their} children and their own households (1 Timothy 3:12). A woman's work and authority in rearing children and managing a home is given as part of her work in assisting her husband.

So, what about feminism?

The curse of feminism is the cry for equality: I can open my own doors, drive my own car, earn my own money, make my own way. This kind of equality leads to women trying to fulfill the instructions given to men and women, not just the ones given to women. It isn't that women cannot do those things that men are instructed to do; in most cases, women are quite capable of them all. But ability does not equal responsibility; just being able to do something does not mean you should be doing it. Cultural feminism tells us that when we do only what we find ourselves particularly suited to do, we have made ourselves inferior to men. Frankly, I don't see the logic there. It seems smart to me to do what you're good at and what you enjoy, rather than kill yourself trying to prove some obscure agenda to a faceless mass of imaginary patriarchs. Men certainly don't kill themselves trying to prove that they're just as good at being women as we are. It seems just a bit silly that we would work so hard trying to prove how good we are at being men.

Where the Woman Is

The Bible is not legalistic about what women should and should not do; it gives very clear but also very flexible instructions as to what our primary occupation should be. There is a lot of room for interpretation in how we carry out those instructions. The over-arching theme is that of assisting our husbands; under that umbrella, we have all sorts of freedom to do and be and grow and explore and work and play and produce and rest and develop and create. Some of us, of course, ignore the freedom and focus on the umbrella. What's it doing there? Why can't I do without the umbrella? Well, sister, you can do without the umbrella. Step on out there and stand in that cold rain by yourself. As for me, I find I can sacrifice a little bit of the view in order to avoid getting the unforgiving lashes of the storm winds. That's what umbrellas are for.

*This list is not exhaustive and some generalizations have been made. For example, I have combined into “working with hands” the more particular instruction of Proverbs 31 that involves wool, flax, a distaff, and a spindle. Also, I have including loving and being subject to husbands, and loving children, as activities rather than as matters of character and attitude. Though their position in the latter could be well-supported, I think of loving, etc., as action which we must choose to do rather than as an attitude we must choose to have.

**The passages consulted in constructing this list are below. All are taken from the NAS version.

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, {to be} sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored (Titus 2:3-5)

.

Likewise, {I want} women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments, but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness (1 Timothy 2:9-10).

A widow is to be put on the list only if she is not less than sixty years old, {having been} the wife of one man, having a reputation for good works; {and} if she has brought up children, if she has shown hospitality to strangers, if she has washed the saints' feet, if she has assisted those in distress, {and} if she has devoted herself to every good work. But refuse {to put} younger widows {on the list,} for when they feel sensual desires in disregard of Christ, they want to get married, {thus} incurring condemnation, because they have set aside their previous pledge. At the same time they also learn {to be} idle, as they go around from house to house; and not merely idle, but also gossips and busybodies, talking about things not proper {to mention.} Therefore, I want younger {widows} to get married, bear children, keep house, {and} give the enemy no occasion for reproach; for some have already turned aside to follow Satan (1 Timothy 5:9-15).

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any {of them} are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be {merely} external--braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but {let it be} the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God (1 Peter 3:1-4).

She looks for wool and flax And works with her hands in delight. She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar. She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength And makes her arms strong. She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hands grasp the spindle. She extends her hand to the poor, And she stretches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household, For all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells {them,} And supplies belts to the tradesmen. Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness (Proverbs 31:13-27).

Where does "the woman" belong?

There is much controversy in Christian circles over whether or not women should pursue work outside of the home. The women's liberation movement of the 1960's drew two rather extreme responses from the Church: either we jumped right on the equal rights bandwagon and set up church day schools and child-care centers to help the church women pursue careers, or we withdrew in shock and horror and deemed anything not concerned with home or children inappropriate, even unbiblical, for women's interest. Extremes usually fall short of wisdom. These responses are no exception.

God's Image of Woman

Genesis gives us a clear view of what woman is created to be.

So God created man in his [own] image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. (Genesis 1:27-28, NASB).

God's creation of both male and female was in His own image; so we see, first, that woman was created to reflect God's image. God's instruction to both man and woman was to be fruitful, multiply, replenish and subdue the earth, and have dominion over all living creatures on the earth. The command to mankind in general was to procreate, to fill the earth with people, and to rule over the earth and all it contained.

The command to mankind as separate sexes is explained in Genesis 2:

And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. (Genesis 2:15).

This instruction is specifically to the male, as the female has not yet been formed. Adam is to “dress” the garden, or to work and labor in it, and to “keep” the garden, which implies having charge of, guarding, and retaining it. If this is the man's specific job, what is the woman's? And the LORD God said, [It is] not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. ...

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. (Genesis 2:18, 22).

God does not make another garden and lead the woman to it and give her the same set of instructions as he did the man. Instead, he creates woman and leads her to the man. She has been deemed his help meet: his capable helper, one fit to assist him in the work he has been given.

The Mandate: Woman as Help Meet

Woman was created to be a help meet to man. Every liberated woman will roar (as women are said to do) at this statement, but it is simple truth. God's promise is that the truth will set us free, so accept this truth as something that leads to greater freedom, not less, for us as women.

God says woman is to be a help meet. He does not say, “I will make a homemaker for him...” or “I will make a domestic slave for him...” or “I will make an additional income provider for him....” Yet, O Women, have we not identified ourselves in such roles before? Homemaking is not next to godliness; neither is having a career. Neither pursuit is our God-mandated work. At different times we may be called upon to be homemakers or to be assistants in a different sphere. Let us not confuse the means with the mandate. The mandate is to be a help meet. The means will vary.

Putting the Mandate First

When any work becomes more important than the work of helping our husbands, we have fallen away from God's mandate. Sister, your house may be clean, your meals may be perfect, your children may be excelling at everything you put before them; but what is the motive of your work? What is your heart? Have you forgotten the mandate in your busy, efficient home management? Sister, your work may be valuable, your income may be treasured, your contribution may be unquestioned; but what is the motive of your work? What is your heart? Have you forgotten the mandate in your smart, diligent pursuit of a career?

Neither the home nor the office can claim exclusive rights over “a woman's place.” God has defined that place as something beyond physical and social boundaries, something that can change as the seasons of life change without compromising its purpose. To assist our husbands in ruling the earth is a broader and greater work than we have deemed ourselves capable of. Let us walk in faith, and not be so small-minded as to limit our lives to only one small part of this work.