SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

In Emperor's New Groove, Kronk is, of course, my favorite character. I don't really know how you could have another favorite character.

Kronk has a shoulder angel and a shoulder demon and carries on a few bits of dialogue with them in the movie. At one point, he ends up dismissing them: “Eh, you guys are confusing me, so, uh, begone or whatever it is I have to say.” “That'll do,” they say, and disappear.

Kronk, You, and What's On Your Shoulder

What I'm not going to say here is that if you just listened to the voice of God all the time, you wouldn't have any problems. First, that's far too simplistic, kind of obvious, and also depends on what you mean by problems.

Some fine people who seemed to have it together as far as listening to God's voice continued to encounter what I'd define as problems. Lion's den, anyone?

What I am going to say is that you do deal with voices. Loud ones, quiet ones, all kinds of 'em, all the time. Yours, your past's, your culture's, and everyone else's. Blah, blah, blah. Know how I talk about how we talk too much? I think we do that, sometimes, just to cover us the voices blabbing away in our brains. We don't know how to turn them off, so we talk louder to cover them up. That helps, a bit. But there's a better way.

Get to the One Thing Already

So – big surprise – the one thing holding you back, my friend, is that you're listening to, and then acting upon, the wrong voices. But here's where it gets tricky, because it's not quite as simple as a shoulder angel and a shoulder demon.

Would that it were. And maybe, deep down, it is, but the problem is that on the surface level – the level on which we hear the voices – things get muddled. Sometimes the shoulder demon dresses up like the shoulder angel. Sometimes the shoulder angel sounds, well, stupid. Sometimes it's a regular carnival and everybody's in costume.

Vibes. Get the Good Ones.

The reason we listen to the voices – any of them – is that they appeal to some part of us. But it's subtle. It's manipulative. It's not always easy to identify, and oh-so-easy to justify. Here's a simple way to differentiate:

The good voices move you forward from positive motivation.
The bad voices move you backward, in circles, or not at all from negative motivation.

And right now, let's just go ahead and identify the absolute Queen of all negative motivation, at least as far as women are concerned.

Guilt, the Reigning Potentate of Bad Voices

Guilt is the Queen because she seems so right, so accurate. She'll talk to whatever matters to you. She'll phrase it in such spiritual terms, such self-sacrificial words, that saying no to her will seem like the worst sin ever.

But let me be the one to clarify something for us all right here, right now.

God does not motivate us through guilt. God motivates us through specific conviction (something is wrong in what you're doing, and this is it) and then equally specific encouragement (here is forgiveness, here is how to change). God pulls us onward, forward, by showing us what could be better in specific terms, not what might get worse in vague fear-shaped visions.

Queen Guilt, on the other hand: Vague. Subtle. Manipulative. General. Incessant. Overbearing. Fearful. Anxious. Keeps you running in circles. Keeps you from moving forward. Keeps you from letting go. Offers you no forgiveness. Offers you no hope. Commands you to change but offers you no way to do it.

Annie, 1: Queen Guilt, 0. Ha.

A couple of nights ago I had a list of things that I needed to get done for work.

Now, listen so you know where I'm coming from: I grew up with a stay-at-home Mom. I always thought what I'd be is a stay-at-home Mom. And I am. I'm also, however, a freelance writer. I get to work from home. I do this because, to my surprise, I discovered that I go stir-crazy if I'm not doing something in addition to being a Mommy. That's just me.

On this evening, I had a backlog and we were in between Internet services at home (don't even get me started), which meant that I needed to escape to wifi-land for a few hours. Which meant that I needed to leave my Baby and my babies. At home. On the weekend. Without me.

I didn't have a nice dinner made. I did have a backlog of laundry, a house dirty from our crazy weekend, and a husband who can handle all that stuff, all the kids, and all my paranoias just fine, thank you very much.

But guess what I still felt as I pulled out of the driveway? Yep. Guuuuuilty. No matter that I was going to work, not to have a manicure. Didn't matter. Queen Guilt was on the scene and just chatting me up like her BFF.

And I let it go on, all the way to the parking lot, before I finally realized I wasn't talking to myself. I was being talked to. I was being told what to feel, couched in a whole bunch of vaguely spiritual “good wife-good mom” terms that just punched my buttons.

But that's when I realized this: if God had wanted me to stay at home that night, this is NOT how He would be telling me.

At that point, I punched a few buttons myself, ejected Queen Guilt from the sidecar, went in and got my work done and got back home. End of story, until the next time...

What's Your Next Time?

We've all got hot buttons. You know you do, and chances are those might be areas in which God is calling you to change. But don't confuse the voice of God for the voice of guilt. Guilt will keep you spinning in the same cobwebs. God will set you free.

Remember: it's not a question of which voice is loudest. It's a question of which one you listen to, which one you hear, which one gets your attention. And that part is up to you.

Here's a recap:

Bad voices will appeal to your insecurity, pride, ego, flesh, fear, stress, mistakes, past, comfort, ease, desire for security, need to be right, need to be needed, need to fit in, need to be liked, fear of man, religious sensibilities.
Good voices will appeal to your morals, dreams, courage, humility, understanding, true confidence, sense of adventure, sense of risk, sense of purpose, deeper vision, long-term goals, sacrificial love, wisdom.

Bad voices will be urgent: do it now, do it now, do it now or else.
Good voices will be direct, specific, and consistent: this is the way, walk in it.

Who are you listening to?

Have you dropped any of those 10 bad habits yet? You should do that... and then reach ahead....

1. Learn and practice the art of listening.

It's a guaranteed help for your marriage, and it's a great thing to practice in every conversation with every person you encounter. When was the last time you really listened to your kids? Or your Mom? Or that neighbor who always drops in?

2. Start having unplugged time.

Designate a day out of the week or a few hours at night when all computers and cell phones are off and you are simply alive in the world, together. We need - desperately - more time away from constant consumption, information, and digital interaction. We need more time to digest. We need time to breathe. We need time to process. We need time for things to come to the surface. We need less distraction and more depth.

3. Find a role model or an ideal and use that as your basis of comparison.

Role models give us a tangible ideal of life as it could be. Sometimes it's too difficult to just stop comparing. So find someone worth comparing to. If you can't find anyone, sit down and write out your ideal life, vision, world, self, future. Tack it up on the wall.
You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. -Michael Jordan

4. Start expanding your frame of reference.

• Travel. Get out of town, out of state, out of the country. Don't critique. You're not there to compare and identify all the ways these people do things differently. Go to learn. Go to see new things. Go to get a bigger picture of the world.
• Volunteer. Offer your help at a charity or mission or at your church. Get around people and groups that aren't in your normal orbit. Listen, be courteous, treat everyone with respect. Pay attention. Get the stories.
• Read. Read widely, read often, read well. Feed on books. They nourish your mind and your soul. They expand your world. And they're cheaper than a plane ticket.
• Meet people. Everywhere you go, notice the people around you. Be ready with a smile, a handshake, an introduction. Don't be shy. Reach out. Make conversation. Invite people into your life.
• Get into other cultures. Learn a new cuisine, watch foreign films, go to the Middle East Market, practice Spanish with a friend from Mexico or Guatemala, ask questions, soak it up.

5. Start taking responsibility.

Listen: there are always extenuating circumstances. Nothing is never perfect. This is life on earth. Stop making excuses, start taking responsibility. There is a power and freedom in taking responsibility. You will find yourself stronger, better able to cope, less emotionally driven, less offended, less hurt, less angry, and, definitely, less victimized.

6. Start using my Mom's rule: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

This is the complete and definite opposite of being snarky. This rule will not make you popular in trendy circles. This rule will probably make you the butt of jokes in those same trendy circles. Who cares?

7. Cultivate a real sense of humor.

Laugh at yourself. Laugh at the silly things in life. Laugh when plans change. Laugh at the absurdity of little humans trying to run the world.
A sense of humor judges one's actions and the actions of others from a wider reference... It pardons shortcomings; it consoles failure. It recommends moderation. -Thornton Wilder

8. Get more iron in your life.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) Seek out people who will tell you the truth and challenge you to be the best version of yourself. Steer away from those who accept mediocrity in their lives. Cut back on relationships that drag you down. If every conversation you have with a friend is gossiping, complaining, or comparing, you are wasting your time and hers. If you are not influencing for the better, you are being influenced. Find people who will influence you toward good.

9. Start assuming the best about yourself, about life, and about every single person you meet.

Assume that they're all interesting, worthwhile, valid, exceptional people with burning purpose and a passion to help and a willingness to serve and something of value to offer. Assume the same about yourself. Assume that every single thing you do makes an impact. Soon it will be true.

10. Start the daily habit of proactive generosity.

Look for ways to give. Offer your help, your expertise, your money, your wisdom, your wit, your time, your home, your hospitality, your food, your insight, your experience, your humility, your hands, your cleaning supplies. Offer what you have. Look for a need you can meet every single day. Meet it. Make it a habit. Make generosity a foundational principle in your life.
Provision for others ia fundamental responsibility of human life. -Woodrow Wilson

1. Stop talking all the time.

Really. We are obsessed with talking about everything: meetings, marriage counseling, phone calls, texting, discussions, emails, chatting, family counsels, therapy.
Some of that's great, some of it is needed, but 87% of the time, the solution is not talk but action. You only need that 13% of talk time to figure out what action to take. From there, talking is just that much more procrastination. [Yes, I made up the 87%. Seems like a good number though.]

2. Stop updating your online life every 20 seconds.

You're distracted, and you're creating a false sense of connection, community, and productivity, and it's adding to the clutter in your life without adding any real value.
Update maybe 3 or 5 times a day (if that) and then spend time in the real world creating real connections, adding to a real community, and doing some things that are really productive. Like maybe counting the times I used the word "really" in that sentence.

3. Stop with the pointless comparison.

In what areas of life do you find yourself continually tripping up, falling, failing? Proverbs tells us that the fear of man brings a snare, and asks "Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy?" [Proverbs 27:4].
Those areas where you keep tripping and falling? Look for snare: the fear of man setting a standard that isn't right for you. And look for envy, which is guaranteed to make you fall. You can't stand in the face of it, so get it out of your heart.

4. Stop using your culture and your peer group as your only reference point.

Number #3 will be directly effected for the better. Get a new, bigger frame of reference. Study history. Read about different cultures. Read the Bible. Expand.

5. Stop feeling sorry for people.

Yourself, especially. Pity helps no one. It reinforces the self-defeating cycle of victimization. It enables addictions, narcissism, and poverty of the soul.
It justifies laziness, resentment, and fear. It makes you negative. Offer mercy. Have compassion. But in your mercy and compassion, always see and call people (including yourself, especially) to be their best, to live up to what God has made them to be.

6. Stop being snarky.

Sarcasm is not that great. I know, I know, there's a lot of it here. I'm working on it. Really, I am, because here's the bottom line: it's fun to be clever, and witty, and make people laugh. But at the end of the day, sincerity counts for a lot more than snarkiness.
When people need help, they will not turn to the wit of the group, they will turn to the one who will listen and answer sincerely. I want to help people. Do you? Don't turn them away by putting a witty one-liner at a higher value than someone's feelings.

7. Stop keeping stuff you don't need.

Old clothes. Old relationships. Grasp the "seasonal" concept and apply it to everything. Okay, there are limits! Marriage - keep that. Kids - keep them. Parents - hang on. Siblings - keep them too. Some relationships are meant to last a lifetime, but not all relationships are meant to last, and not all relationships can last at the same level.
If you're a loyal person (I am), it can be extremely difficult to realize this and take action accordingly. However, for the sake of the relationships in your life that do need to last, that do have a level of depth, you need to let go of others.

8. Stop with the feel-good friends.

Find some friends who make you a little nervous, uncomfortable, who ask questions you can't answer, who know more than you do about God, parenting, child-rearing, who challenge you, who inspire you, who call you to be (what was that we said earlier?) your best, to live up to what God has made you to be. Not convinced? Read Proverbs 27: 5, 6, 9.

9. Stop assuming people don't like you, don't get you, or don't care about you.

Sure, maybe for every 100 people you meet there will be 2 who don't get you, 1 who doesn't like you, and 1 who just doesn't care about you. But the other 96? They get you (on some level); they like you; they care about you (to some degree); and they like you.
All that is needed for more getting, liking, and caring is more time, and more of you getting, liking, and caring about them. So don't be paranoid. Risk it. People care, they really do. (P.S. I like you.)

10. Stop protecting yourself, your stuff, and your territory.

If you do just one thing from this list, make it this one. You want a better life? Really? Quit trying to control everything. Quit staking your claim in the world. Quit demanding that things go your way. Quit looking out for yourself.
Quit measuring, quit hoarding, quit defending. Open up. Give. Give more than you think you can. Flex. Go with the flow. Do things your husband's way. Ask your friend for her advice, then take it. Be generous with your whole life.
There is one that scattereth, and yet increaseth; and there is one that withholdeth more than is needed, but ends up in poverty. The liberal soul shall be made prosperous; and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.Proverbs 11:24-25

The Princess Phase

My daughter, Mara, newly turned 4 years old, is in what you'd call a Princess Phase. It's kind of strange for me; I don't remember the same happening in my childhood, probably because I was in a Cowboys-and-Indians Phase from age 4 to age, uh, 11. I guess that precluded the Princess years, for me. (Does Indian Princess count? I mean, Native American Princess?)
That's why I'm fascinated by her natural Princess tendencies and the way she lets them show. Things like

• Referring to herself as "The Princess," complete with 3rd person pronouns, for long stretches of time. "Look at The Princess twirl, Mommy!" *Twirls. "See? See how she twirls?"
• Wearing her Genuine Cinderella dress for days at a time. Would be weeks if I would let her.
• Pointing out that she looks just like Cinderella when wearing the Genuine Cinderella dress. You can view the Cinderella button for comparison.
• Playing "The Princess Game," which she invented. Here's how you play: the Princesses go into the sunroom and shut the door. The remaining player stands out in the living room and says, "Princesses coming!" at which point, of course, the Princesses parade through. Fanfare optional. Repeat ad infinitum.

Defining Your Own Beauty

A few days ago we walked up to the church for some music, and I was kind of awestruck as I watched her run back down the hill. Two words: beautiful and free. She is as confident and joyful in her beauty as she is confident and joyful in her freedom to be exactly who she is.

Who says a Princess can't wear flip flops?
Who says a Princess can't run like a little deer?
Who says a Princess doesn't do fancy Princess twirls in the grass?
Who says a Princess can't make big muscles?

Her beauty is her own. She defines it, she claims it, she accepts it, and she shares it. No pride, no self-consciousness, no shame, no fear.

Ignoring and Conforming = Not Confidence

Compare that with a typical grown woman's morning routine: It's the "pick out and try on multiple outfits, wriggle around, strut in front of the mirror, grimace, change, repeat, put on make-up, change outfits again, try on shoes, look in the mirror, grimace, grown, do hair, redo mascara, find jewelry, put on another outfit, change shoes, look in mirror, adjust hair, put on earrings, put on perfume, question outfit, put other shoes back on, change earrings, forget the necklace, fix mascara smear, run out the door" dance.
At the end of it, most of us don't feel beautiful and we certainly don't feel free.

The other standard grown woman routine is the "grab a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, rub off the mascara smears from yesterday, whip hair into ponytail, look for matching socks, give up and just find two semi-matching socks, put on tennis shoes, and deliberately avoid the mirror" dance.

At the end of that, beautiful and free are not even part of our vocabulary any more.

What Is Confidence?

Is confidence dressing up, strutting around, working hard to match an image in your mind of how a beautiful woman should look?
Is confidence dressing down, not caring, giving the world a bleary eyed gaze that says "I've got too much going on to deal with how I look"?

We women tend to two extremes:

• We ignore our own beauty, shuffling it up under baggy eyes, stringy hair, outdated clothes. We give up on beauty for a sloppy kind of freedom.
• Or we conform our beauty, stuffing it into the right kind of outfit, the right kind of make-up, the right kind of hair style. We give up on freedom for a conformed kind of beauty.

We lose either beauty or freedom in each case, sometimes both. When was the last time you felt beautiful? When was the last time you felt free? When was the last time you felt both at the same moment?

Confidence is the soul-deep ability to acknowledge your own beauty and stand in your own freedom. At the same time. It's not one or the other. It's not a mediocre version of either.

Reclaiming Confidence

What do we need to do to reclaim confidence?

I've never been the Princess type; getting on a fancy dress and matching jewelry would make me feel more uncomfortable than beautiful or free. A particular kind of beauty is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about something deeper. I'm talking about being a t-shirt-and-jeans girl if that's who you really are, but not hiding out in a t-shirt and jeans because you're afraid to let that shiny, sparkly, dressy girl be herself.

Confidence is defining your own beauty, claiming it, accepting it, and sharing it.

Here's what I recommend:

1. Read the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Here's a review, or here's the book on Amazon. Actually, I have a review copy, so maybe I'll find that and give it away.
2. Clean out your closet. I'm not a fashion expert, nor a closet organization expert, but I can tell you two simple things that will help. First, throw out anything that doesn't fit well and feel good. Second, get rid of anything that makes you feel less than beautiful. I'm serious. I'm not saying you have to be formal. I'm saying throw out the huge, baggy, grungy t-shirt and keep the sleek one that fits and feels nice. Throw out the old baggy jeans and keep the pair that make your butt look good. Throw out the dress that looks like something your Grandma would wear and keep the happy springy sun dress that makes you feel like a teenager.
3. Clean out the clutter in your house. Clutter is dead weight in the space that is the heart of your existence. The prettiest stuff gets ugly when it is clutter. Box it up, ship it out, give it away, make someone's day. There are plenty of charities and poor folks around who could use your excess. Physical clutter in your home creates an environment that is the opposite of beautiful and free. Not what you're going for. Go here, here, or here for more help on getting rid of clutter.
4. Clean out the comparing. Read more about that right here, here, and here.
5. Build up the things in your life that add real confidence. Over the next week, I challenge you to keep a little log of your days, the events and activities and people and chores and so on. Take five minutes at the end of each day to figure out what made you feel more confident and what tore your confidence down. Of course there are limits and qualifiers here; attitude, emotions, hormones, etc. And you can't get rid of your husband, say, if you had an argument and he made you feel inadequate. But you can look at what caused the argument and find wisdom there. And you can cut out a lot of things in your life - trips to the mall, lunch dates with that friend who only gossips, playdates with that Mom who has nothing in common with you, obligatory social events, too many school functions, nagging your kids, ignoring your husband. Those things cut down your confidence because they don't line up with the person you really are. Cut that stuff out. It's your life. Live it to your best.

The first step is admitting you have a problem. And this is your problem. You have an assumption. A basic, unconscious assumption about life:

Everything is going to be okay.

Not to rain on your parade, but, well, your definition of okay and the reality of what actually happens in your life are not going to line up.
Bad things will happen to you. Sometimes because of you, sometimes because of other people, sometimes just because. No good reason that you can see.

We don't acknowledge the truth that things aren't always going to be okay. Instead, we drift along with this mentality of inevitable triumph, regardless of the signs telling us otherwise. And we reinforce this (false) idea in each other.

• "Don't worry, everything will work out."
• "You'll figure it out."
• "Things will get better."

There is, however, no guarantee of things working out or getting better or even not getting worse. When you assume that no matter what, it's all gonna be okay in the end, you remove personal responsibility from the picture. You also remove reality from the picture.

Drop the Okay Lie

The Okay lie: You assume your kids are going to turn out okay... so you don't take your job as a parent seriously, you let things slide, you don't deal with bad attitudes when they first appear. The result: your kids end up rebellious, unhappy, and lost and you shake your head and wonder how that happened.

The Okay lie: You assume that if you work hard and don't mess up too bad, you'll end up with a good career and stable finances.... so you don't pay attention to economic problems, industry lay-offs, small business closings, cutbacks, or even the great opportunities (involving risk) that come along. You don't take charge of your own career/money in a proactive way. The result: you become a victim of economic shifts and don't know what hit you until you're 6 months into unemployment.

The Okay lie: [here's one from my personal experience] You assume that your cancer-stricken Mom will make it. She'll fight it off, the chemo will work, she'll get better, and she'll be there in your life the way you expect, and God won't let her die yet. Life is a right, after all, and God owes us this much. Right? The result: When you lose something that matters this much, you can't avoid being shaken. But if your core belief is "I deserve an okay life and God better work it out," then the not-okay stuff will shake you through the center and put your very faith in God into question. I spent a year not sure if I wanted to believe in God again. I finally came to this conclusion (basic, I know, but it took me a while): Life is a gift, not a right. The good things that we receive are blessings, privileges, not automatic rights that we can demand.

Rights vs. Gifts

It goes against Western culture to talk about our inalienable rights not being rights. But the concept is bigger than government-for-the-people; it's more about created-and-Creator.

"Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?'
Does your work say, 'He has no hands'? Woe to him who says to his father, 'What have you begotten?' or to his mother, 'What have you brought to birth?'
Isaiah 45: 9-10

Now, here's the good news.

You can't (and shouldn't) walk around expecting Death to drop on your head at any moment. You can't live in fear (well, you can, but it won't be much of a life).
But when you drop the everything is going to be okay just because belief system, you can handle what does happen much better. Pretty quickly, you'll see that 99% of life falls into 1 of 2 categories:

1. Stuff you can control
2. Stuff you can't control

For the first category, losing the Okay Lie means you start taking responsibility for what you can control (how you parent, what you do with your money) and doing your best at it. Guaranteed better results with that approach, no matter what the area is.

Riches, Peace, and Freedom

For the second category, losing the Okay Lie means two things:

First, you start receiving every good day, every good things as a gift, a blessing, a privilege. You are thankful. You are grateful. You see how rich your life is, already. [Guess how thankful I am for good health. And for the fact that I have my Dad and sister. And for a mother-in-law and a stepmom who are such loving grandmoms to my kids.]
Second, you start trusting God the way He should be trusted, as Creator, not as giant-Santa-in-the-sky. And with that trust comes peace and freedom. Peace: I don't have to fight the inevitable truth that I will experience pain. I just have to remember to come to God with my pain. Freedom: I don't have to be in control of the things that I can't control. It's beyond my ability to guarantee a good life for myself and the ones I love. I am free to live, do my best, and trust God with whatever else happens.

Everything is not going to be okay. But that's okay.

Most of my journal entries are boring. Most of them start with the date and then the time and then a report: "doing good today, got up on time" or "we're getting on track" or "late today, forgot to set the alarm" or "hit snooze 27 times before I got up this morning."

I flip back through my journal and I think, Hmmm, anyone who could fend off the boredom long enough to actually read these pages would probably walk away thinking this girl is obsessed with only one thing: when she gets up in the morning.

Maybe I am. Let me 'splain. (No, is too much. Let me sum up. No, let me let Madeleine L'Engle sum up for me.)

"A woman who follows a vocation needs an unusually understanding husband; [CHECK, ALL GOOD THERE.] and even then, a woman's success can put a real strain on marriage. [I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I FIND OUT.] And I believe this will be true even when women's liberation is an accomplished fact. [WHATEVER, I DON'T KNOW.] And the woman who accepts the demands of a call must be able to observe rigorous discipline. [THAT WAS THE IMPORTANT LINE.] If we follow a vocation and choose to have a family, too, there is a constant balancing of priorities. We have to learn to turn away from the typewriter in order to cook dinner. [WE DO? OOPS.] And, yet, we mustn't lose the train of thought." (Madeleine L'Engle)

"...and the woman who accepts the demands of a call must be able to observe rigorous discipline."

I'm a morning person, Joe is not. But I've noticed that for both of us, we do much better when we both get up at ungodly hours of morning to do the things which are important to us, which take time, which inspire and encourage us through the rest of our day, which are part of our long-term vision. These are the things, the efforts which most define and identify us at our core, most reward us (at least inwardly), but which it is most difficult to make time to do, daily.

Get up at 4 or 5 in the morning to pursue something iffy (a book, a website, a start-up business, God...) and then work the rest of the day at your real job? Are you crazy?

Well.
Maybe.

Maybe crazy. Definitely most alive and definitely most happy when we are pushing ourselves, pursuing a goal, challenged and working and progressing on something important. Of course, it goes without saying but I'll say it anyhow: being a Mom is important and Joe's work at Arco is important.

Yes, obviously, since we devote our days to that, to the exclusion of other pursuits. There's no question in my head of which is more important, my children or my writing. I don't have to ponder this. If we were in an either-or situation, it would be bye-bye to writing. But praise Thee, Lord, we are not. I can love, nurture, train, be with my children and still write. It just requires thought, effort, rigorous discipline, and a good dose of craziness to do both.

That's why I obsess over my mornings. They are the sign: am I making room in my life for what matters? I can't shove aside my children during the day in order to pursue writing, and I don't want to. So if I want to do the important work of writing, I have to do it before my other important work begins. (Or after, which might be an option for night-people but not for me, as brain turns to oatmeal after 9 pm.)

So I care. I infringe on night, I cut my sleep short, I drink too much coffee, I hide my alarm, I mumble and mutter and stare and then the caffeine clicks in, I start writing, and I remember why I'm awake.
-

What do you obsess over?

Image of girl obsessing over checkbook courtesy of Betsy with a lot of S's. Thanks, Betsssssssssssssy.

This is a guest post by Marci of Overcoming Busy. Are you interested in writing a guest post? See how here.

When Annie asked me to write this post, I was excited.  Modern Housekeeping - what an interesting topic!  This should be fun to write about.  I feature myself as a Modern Housekeeper with a traditional bent.  However, as I began to collect my thoughts and actually put them down on paper (yes, I still write on paper!), so many thoughts and ideas ran through my head.  Which direction should I go?

Do I write about how I keep a home?  My housekeeping schedules that are set up for a task a day?  The morning and bedtime routines my kids and I have to keep us on task (and so no one forgets to brush their teeth)?

My ideas on what makes a house a home?  Is it love, laughter, good snacks?

Do I write about how I never thought I would be a SAHM and had a grand plan of a successful career before I had children?  How I thought I had to make a difference in the world before I realized I needed to make a difference in my family?

Would readers want to hear about how I home school my daughter so she can be shaped and molded by her parents and carefully chosen others and not her 9 year old peers?

Should I write about how planning my meal each week saves my family and me time, money and stress?

How about disciplining children with love, yet effectively enough to keep them from misbehaving again?  OK.  I don’t know how to pull that off yet, but if you can, let me know!  SOON!!

Do I write about how it is difficult sometimes to balance family life and blogging?

Keeping a home in this day and age is a challenge.  There is so much to consider and to balance.   We are pulled in so many directions and often inaccurately feel we need to be perfect in each area!  For such a modern, convenient society, modern housekeeping is just plain hard!  And apparently so is writing about it!

Today's 2 Cents Courtesy of...

Marci: encourager, blogger, wife, mom, woman who strives to eliminate the busy and pursue the meaningful. She helps others do the same with her practical wisdom on organizing and simplifying and her regular features like menu plans and an Article Club. I've gained from her blog inspiration to change for the better, and practical tips on how to do it. Head on over to Overcoming Busy to learn more about (and from) this gracious woman.

What's your 2 cents?

I tend to avoid books when they are on the bestseller list; it's kind of a reverse snobbishness, I guess.

So I avoided Captivating the first time around, despite the fact that I'd read The Sacred Romance (by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis) and loved it, and despite the personal recommendations I received. I can't, thus, tell you much about how this revised-and-expanded version is better than the original.

But I can tell you that, if you are a woman this is a book worth reading. Not if-you-are-a-woman-and-a-Christian, just: if you are a woman.

Why? Not that the Christian thing doesn't matter, but that every woman struggles on some level with the issues that the Eldredges talk about. Their philosophy and, yes, their solutions are Biblically based; for non-Christian women, I can understand that might be a turn-off. But I urge you anyway: stride through the Scripture quotations and sit still for the stories and the truths that aren't tied up in church-speak.

And for Christian women, this book can help you step out of the easy answers so often given via church-speak and deal with the hurts it's quite possible to hide but impossible to truly forget. The heart of this book is about remembering, about dealing with the lies that tell us to forget-about-it, quit-making-things-such-a-big-deal.

This book helps us to understand why some things are a big deal, and should be, and how we need to look at them and find out what they're telling us. As we acknowledge, and remember who we really are, we can let go not in self-denial or resentment, but in true freedom. That's a good read.

Details:

Captivating: Unlocking the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. By John and Stasi Eldredge. Revised and Expanded. Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2010. Purchase or get more information at the Amazon product page.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

I am feeling totally burned out and the last thing I want to do right now is write. I don't even really want to read, and that's a sure sign of word fatigue at its worst incarnation. I want to sleep. Oh. Coffee might help.

There are two little girls in the kitchen and I'm watching them through the big pass-through. They are standing on little blue chairs in front of the sink, "washing dishes" for me. Happy. Intensely involved in their work. Oblivious to the water on the counter, on the floor, on their shirts. I think right now they're guessing what soap bubbles taste like and wondering why I won't let them taste to find out...

The Conflict Between What Is Needed and What I Want

Writing through burn-out. Working through fatigue. Giving through selfishness. That's what it comes down to, isn't it? Writing or working or caring for children or giving careful attention to a conversation when what you want is to run away, anywhere away, far away. It is the conflict between what I'm feeling, which is telling me what I want, and what is needed from me.

It is a sign of maturity when you can ignore the feelings and simply do what is needed, in spite.

In Spite of the Feelings

Not without the feelings. That's a crock. In spite of the feelings. You can't turn emotions on and off. You can't make "happy" happen anytime you feel a little stressed or down.
But you can decide that feelings aren't the most important factor. You can look at yourself and say, Okay, I don't feel like doing this. I, in fact, want to vomit at the thought of this... job, obligation, event, conversation, pile of child's vomit to be cleaned up. But it still needs to be done. So I am going to do it.

When Not to Focus on the Feelings

It is not bad to have feelings, even negative feelings. Feelings are worthwhile. But feelings are not valid excuses for just checking out on the things we've committed to doing and being. But when we have these bad feelings, we tend to focus on fixing them so we can get on with the doing and being. It's the wrong order, and it never works. The more we focus on the negative feelings, the bigger and scarier and more negative they become.

The best thing to do in those moments is to decide, in the simplest of ways, that you will just let those feelings sit there while you get on with the doing and being that is your life. Your life is not your feelings. Your life is effected by your feelings, but the moment you make that simple decision, the feelings lose a bit of their power.

You type a sentence in spite of the burn-out.
You smile at your child in spite of the frustration.
You hug your husband in spite of the stress.

When to Focus on the Feelings

Negative feelings are valid markers of something being wrong. But sometimes the "something wrong" is just too little sleep or too much navel-gazing. The moment the feelings are in full-blown attack is the worst time to start trying to analyze the cause. Worst, worst, worst.

Wait on it. Don't worry about them. There they are, those feelings. If they're indicating something you need to deal with, you've got time to deal with it. Later. After a good night's sleep or a good meal or a long walk or some belly laughs. After the doing and being, go back and think through the feelings. You'll have the gift of just enough distance to actually analyze them and their cause instead of getting swept up in their force.

This is how you start to grow up. This is how you start to accept feelings for what they are: part of your life, not all of your life.

Images

1. Sometimes you just want courtesy of Vale the Kid on Flickr.