SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

There are two kinds of women in the world: those who can wear high heels and those who can't.
But that has nothing to do with this article. Let's start over.

There are two kinds of women in the world: those whose sex drive is weaker than their husbands' and those whose sex drive is stronger than their husbands'.

There's a possibility of a third, minority group of women whose luck in life is to have a sex drive exactly matched by their husbands', but I've yet to meet one. Or maybe I've met one and I just didn't realize it, because that's not the sort of thing you write on your name tag. "Hello, I'm Louise and I'm one of the few happy women whose sex drive is spot on with her husband!" Yeah. It would make for a large name tag, and they always make your lapel look goofy as it is. If you're wearing something with lapels, that is, which these days is as rare as a steak that's still mooing.

Anyway, back to the two kinds of women.
Right off the bat you know which one you are, don't you? That's okay, though, you don't have to tell me. I've conducted a survey, and according to the non-scientific results of my poll, it seems that each scenario is equally common. Yeah, you read that right, you sex-crazed women.

You're not weird or anything, we're just dealing with the residual effect of a fifties-Americana housewife stereotype. You know, the gal who was always baking a pie or vacuuming or holding her new wonder-cleaning product in well-manicured hands. The one whose smile always had that gleaming tooth. The one who most definitely never initiated sex. That one. I just have one thing to say about her:
Why do you think she was always wearing a skirt?

Ponder that.

There's no real rocket science to this subject matter. It's really just another look into the way you're different than the man you married. Either he wants sex more often than you do, or you want sex more often than he does. And, as with all differences that exist between a woman and her husband, this one is superb for generating miscommunication, hurt feelings, anger, frustration, and large expenditures on new lingerie. Not that the last one's a bad thing, necessarily...

Here's where it gets touchy, though. (Touchy... get it? Ha, ha, ha...wait. Why am I the only one laughing?) People seem to have a hard time talking about sex. (Hard time... get... oh never mind.) Well, people talk about sex all the time, actually. They make jokes about it, have casual conversations about it, make endless innuendos about it... but when it comes to a real, honest talk about it with their mate-for-life? AH! Shame, embarrassment, chagrin, fear, stress. The crassness of our culture gives us an infinite supply of dirty jokes and sexual stereotypes, but it doesn't give us any real ways of talking about sex.

Try having a serious conversation about sex and see how many terms come to mind that are demeaning or humorous or just make you feel like a 5th-grader.

The thing is, sex makes us vulnerable. Our culture treats it lightly (and crassly) as a way of covering up the vulnerability without abstaining from the sex. Well, that's great for them (though I have my doubts about the effectiveness of the method) but for two people who are married, vulnerability isn't something we need to avoid. And if we could come to terms with being vulnerable, we could have the conversations we need to have.

Something like this:

The wife whose husband wants sex more often than she does might say, "Honey, I love you and I want you, but I don't want you all the time. I don't know how to explain that because I'm afraid you'll feel hurt or rejected or unwanted, but that's not it at all. I'm just not built the same as you, and sometimes I can't respond the same way you do. I need you to give me a way to be who I am without feeling guilty, angry, and resentful. I need you to help me find the time and the way to switch from being busy, working, stressed to just being with you. Sometimes it takes me a while to get there. It doesn't mean I don't want or need you, it just means I need your patience and understanding."

The wife whose husband wants sex less often than she does might say, "Honey, I love you and I know you want me, but when I initiate and you're not interested I feel so rejected. I know we're different people, but my self-esteem and identity as a woman is all tied up in how sexy you think I am. When you're not interested in sex and I am, I feel rejected not just as your wife but as a woman. I start questioning everything about myself - my looks, my body, my desirability, your love, my sex appeal. I really need affirmation from you. I need help to understand that you still find me appealing and desirable, but you need time to switch gears, too."

I don't know. What if we could have conversations like that? What if we could broach the subject without being silly or oversensitive? Would that change things? Would it improve our relationships? I think so. I think it would remove much of the stress. And I think if some of the stress were removed from the whole subject, we would have a lot more fun.

Fun is good.

Oh, by the way, did you figure out which kind of woman I am?

--

Images courtesy of mistress_f and x ray delta one.

If we are ever to enjoy life, now is the time, not tomorrow or next year.... Today should always be our most wonderful day.

-Thomas Dreier

The Witching Hour

Every day, just before the time my husband is going to get home from work, something strange happens in my home. The kids have just had a long nap and a snack, but they get inexplicably whiny. The house looks dirty all of a sudden. The pile of laundry on the bed increases fourfold. The plans I had for dinner seem inadequate, and my feet hurt, my back hurts, my head hurts, and what-I-wouldn't-give for a little peace and quiet...

Welcome home, honey.

I'm embarrassed at the times Joe's walked in the door to that atmosphere. It seems like on those days, when I've "just had it" and all I need is a little relief, he's just had it at work too.

I'm drained; he's drained. All I want is to sit down; all he needs is a little rest. My day was constantly busy, but seems unproductive now; his, too. The kids are clamoring for our attention, and when Joe and I meet eyes it's with a mutual question of "How soon can bedtime come?"

Whose Fault Is It, Anyway?

I blame it on the undone items, usually. If I hadn't had so much to do, if I'd gotten a bit more done, if the Read the rest of this entry »

Rise above it... you got to rise above it.

Let's Face It

We look inside, we work on ourselves, we try harder, we do better. But marriage still isn't perfect, and sometimes it's just not our fault.

Oh, there are two sides to every story, sure. And sometimes his side is the one that isn't so good. So far we've focused on not focusing on his faults; it's usually counterproductive. But sometimes, well, he's acting like a fool, and the best thing to do is realize that so we can respond appropriately. Read the rest of this entry »

It's the simple things that get you.

Here Without You, Baby

Tonight I'm sitting in bed alone. Joe is hundreds of miles away. He's in New Mexico. I'm in Tennessee. It's Valentine's Day, and I'm writing an article on marriage and waiting for him to call me to say good night.

Life never reaches perfection.

As I watch people trying to figure it out, I just wish I could make things simple. The thing is, things are Read the rest of this entry »

Career confusion causes a lot of problems.

Cut the Confusion

Maybe you have children, or maybe you have a career, or maybe you have both. Chances are, you spend most of your time – far more time than you spend with your husband – on your children and/or your career. So it's easy to get confused about your real job.

Take a Step Back

The real deal isn't the kids or the job; the real deal, the main gig, the whole enchilada, my friends, is to serve, love, obey, and follow God. (Ha! You thought I was going to say something about your husband, didn't you? Gotcha.) Read the rest of this entry »

Better to live in the corner of a roof than with a contentious woman.

Simmer Down, Tiger

You know the boxer stance? Arms up, hands in fists ready to strike, eyes narrowed, focused on finding the weak spot, feet moving, restless, ready.

It's a great stance if you're a boxer and you need to punch the other guy out to win.

It's not so great when the other guy is your mate for life. Punch him out, you don't really win.

Them's Fightin' Words

A contentious woman is a woman out for a fight. She's always asking questions. She requires explanations. She needs more details, more information. She likes to offer alternate plans, helpful suggestions, better ideas.

She doesn't like just listening and accepting and following. She wants to be in charge; if she can't outright take over, she works it by always “modifying” the plan. He says green, she says, “Okay, but light green.” He says burgers, she says, “Okay, fine, but not that one place with the greasy fries.”

She has to be involved in making the decision. She really wants to be the one making the decision; since she isn't, she is constantly correcting, instructing, tweaking, improving his decisions.

Compare and Contrast

Is it wrong to ask questions or make suggestions? No. It isn't. But there are two very different ways to ask the same question. C'mon. You know.

There's the huffy way, with the Mom-like tone of voice and the sigh of exasperation at the end (sometimes it's the snort of contempt, another favorite).

Or there's the happy way, with the normal voice, no not-so-hidden agendas involved. That's the way that tells your husband he can actually answer your question honestly without fearing the repercussion.

Your Husband Gets You

He can tell when there's strife in the air. He senses it. Guess what? God designed men to stand up to those who challenge their authority and position. It's God's way of providing protection for the family.

Guess what else? God commanded men to love their wives sacrificially, as Christ loves the church.

When you are contentious, you are creating a situation that is simply impossible for your husband. He has to either 1) ignore his natural drive to face and defeat challengers or 2) ignore the command to love you.

Snip, Snip, Snip

Put yourself in your husband's position for a moment. He comes home, he senses your hostility (that's what it is, when you get right down to it), he knows he better tread carefully or there will be a fight.

He mentions an issue at work, or plans for the weekend, and you start asking questions in that snippy little voice. No answer. He's right there, he's just not responding. You ask again. No answer. You look around, and see him retreating into the garage.

Why You Get Ignored

The moment you whipped out the snippy voice with the baited questions, he had to decide. His first instinct was pure male: to take the bait (which he is aware of, because you're not as sneaky as you think), pull out his can of “WHOOP-BUTT,” and apply it, liberally, to you.

His second instinct was husband: to avoid the fight, repercussions of which tend to ruin the night, and get the heck out of Dodge until things cool down.

Showdown at the O.K. Corral

And you? You don't really like either option, do you? You want to fight and you want to win, because you're dying to prove something to somebody.

Maybe you want to prove that you're smarter, or better, or funnier, or that you work harder or do more or need more money or more time or more help. You probably forget what the point was by the time the fight's over, because the real point was just to fight.

Disturbing the Peace

Why are you so eager to get out the boxing gloves?

• Comparing: you have a continual mental scale of what he does vs. what you do. When the scale isn't balanced, you want to fight.
• Discontentment: you're simply unhappy on a level that has nothing to do with circumstances, and you're letting it come out by striving.
• Unresolved Issues: there's an issue that's been bothering you and instead of addressing it humbly and directly, you're picking fights about everything else.
• Parenting Problems: you haven't been dealing with the verbal or behavioral strife coming from your own kids, but by the end of the day you've got to get it out on somebody.
• Feelings of Failure: you're not making progress on a goal, project, or area of personal growth and that failure is hitting you deep. In response, you're lashing out.
• Disorganization: a disorderly home, a packed schedule (or no schedule at all), clutter, and lack of priorities leave you stressed and drained by the end of the day, but instead of dealing with the problem you distract yourself with a fight.

The Fall-Out

What happens when you are constantly looking for a fight?

You find one.

You get ignored. You get hurt. You get angrier. You get offended, and the offenses become a sticky mass of resentment that settles in your heart.

This is not what a happy marriage is made of. It's time to change.

5-Minute Marriage Check

Some personalities are more directly confrontational; others tend to avoid a fight but get anger out through passive-aggressive ways. Neither way is a healthy habit for marriage because your spouse is not your enemy.

You are two against the world.

You are two against the culture.

You are two against the adversities, pains, losses, disappointments, and trials that will be part of life.

You can face them together and overcome, or you can tear each other down and be torn apart.

Do this: Go outside. If it's raining, stand under the porch. Look around. Look up. The world is big. Take a deep breath. Say this to yourself:

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called daughters of God.”

(My paraphrase, Matt. 5:9, NASB)

Decide to be a peacemaker. Decide to agree instead of argue. Decide to encourage instead of analyze. Decide to support instead of question. Decide to give instead of demand.

5-Minute Action Point

Which area needs work in your life?

• Comparing
• Discontentment
• Unresolved Issues
• Parenting Problems
• Feelings of Failure
• Disorganization

It might be more than one area. For each area that you know is a problem and is creating contention in your spirit, get a piece of paper or a note card.

Write down the specific problems. For example,

Comparing: I think other women look better than me, and I'm always wondering if he thinks that too.

Unresolved Issues: I'm still grieving over my miscarriage.

Feelings of Failure: I can't believe I lost my job; and I can't lose this weight and I feel like a slob and a failure.

Disorganization: I never feel prepared for the week, the house never gets clean, I can't figure out what to cook for dinner and we end up eating out.

For each item you wrote down, do these two things:

1. Pray about it. Ask for help. Ask for wisdom. Ask for forgiveness. Give it to God.
2. Take action on it. It is dead-weight as long as you try to ignore it. Do something about it; decide what, and put it on your card. For example,

Comparing – my action: I'm going to memorize Psalm 45:10-17 and I'm going to wear make-up every day because I feel better about myself when I do.

Unresolved Issues – my action: I'm going to talk to my husband about this and about how much I'm still hurting over it.

Feelings of Failure – my action: I'm going to find a diet/exercise plan and follow it, and I'm going to work on my resume.

Disorganization - my action: I'm going to use Sunday nights to plan for my week, and I'm going to make a menu, and I'm going to clean for 20 minutes every night.

You may still fall short in these areas, especially if you have a lot of things you want to work on. Pick the top two and focus on them, first; pray, and complete the action. Then go on from there. You will see and feel a difference in your spirit as you deal with these problems.

Free yourself to be a peacemaker.

Image by kikfoto.

---------------------------

This post is {Day 10} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

---------------------------

This post is part of the 30-Minute Blogging Challenge at Steady Mom.

I just started a pot of coffee brewing, and since my coffee maker needs to be cleaned out yet again (darn hard water) and takes about 30 minutes to brew a pot, that's my automatic timer. I'm taking this 30-minute posting challenge because I have that feeling, the one of a pesky little guilt peering over my shoulder, whispering in my ear, "You're on the computer agaaaain?" It's hard to hear the whisper sometimes because of the kids hollering in the background... Read the rest of this entry »

You know what I'm tired of, right now? Whining women. Seriously. What is wrong with us?

Halfway across the world, a Haitian woman digs through the rubble looking for her baby's body.
Halfway across the county, a single mom counts food stamps to see if she has enough for her groceries.
Halfway across the living room, a man sits who has loved you and worked to keep you happy, fed, clothed, and satisfied to the best of his abilities. He isn't perfect. He does stupid, annoying stuff that makes you want to scream. But there he is.

And there you are, in a warm home with every material blessing you need for a happy life. There's no practical concern stopping you from being happy, but you go back to whining. So do I. It's pointless and selfish. It's pure poison.

Whining women get on my nerves.

How did we get this way? Why do we listen to the stereotypes pushed around by our culture? Why do we make stupid jokes and snide little remarks about our men? Why do we not defend them, encourage them, support them, back them up, and find a way to see in them the best they can be? That is our job. Read the rest of this entry »

Prayer of the Liberated Woman

Deliver me from stress and worry and fear. I'm ready to let go. I don't want to be in charge. I want to do the work that is mine and let go of what belongs to everyone else.

Deliver me from poverty and famine into Your provision and abundance. The burden of financial responsibility is too much for me. The burden of perfect economic decisions is too much for me. The burden of knowledge, responsibility for things out of my control is wearing me down. Take it. Tie my hands before I try to take it back.

Deliver me from the silence and solitude I create, from this striving after independence, from this pride and isolation. Bring me into the right place of dependence on You and on my husband, and my friends, and my family. Open my mouth to speak. Open my heart to be vulnerable, honest, childlike, trusting, resting. Help my mind to believe, rest, to see what is, to be undeceived.

Deliver me from the trap of trying to supply everything for everyone. I am not the source. I am fresh out of everything. I swing back and forth, hitting self-pity on one side and uncontrollable anger on the other. I resent the freedom I think other people I have. Free me from the myth of balance and perfection. Help me to accept my own limits.

Deliver me from pride. I'm tired of having no one to look up to or lean on because I've put myself on a pedestal. I declare to the world that I am not enough. I am ready to say the things I try not to say: I can't, I won't, not now, not today, not ever. I'm done. I need a break. I'm not superwoman today. I'm not the source. I don't have the information. I can't help you. I don't know.

Deliver me from my own stupidity. I say I want simplicity and independence, but really I just get hurt when no one calls, no one comes. I say I want to be self-sufficient and capable, but really I want to be a little more high-maintenance, a little more pampered, a lot better at asking for and receiving help, a lot more honest.

Deliver me from trying to give what I do not have.

Deliver me from not knowing how to change.

Deliver me from the habits that keep me defensive, scared, and lonely.

Deliver me from a liberation that only enslaves me to the ideals and expectations of others.

Give me true freedom.