Guilt is, apparently, a problem for a lot of people. Especially people of the female variety.
But overall, regardless of children’s age or marital status, women reported both more guilt and distress over work intrusions into the home. -
USAToday
Women in both the adolescent age group and the 25-33 age group reported a higher level of expected guilt than the men. -
NY Daily News
There have been studies that show that “problems in interpersonal relationships tend to evoke guilt (interpersonal guilt) and moral dilemmas more often in women.” This is labeled as “interpersonal sensitivity.” -
FYI Living
We could spend some time talking about where the guilt comes from, why women have more of it, etc., etc., ad infinitum.
Whatever.
We know without analyzing further that guilt is counter-productive, a
waste of time, an unnecessary burden.
Oh wait: do we know that?
If we really did know that guilt helps no one, wouldn’t we quit allowing it to influence us?
Here’s my point of learning, and maybe it will help you:
Took me some 27 years, but I finally realized that
guilt and conviction are not the same thing.
Let me ‘splain.
Guilt is a vague, overwhelming, horrible, nasty, burdensome beast of cruelty that can never, ever, no matter how very very very hard you try, be appeased.
Conviction, on the other hand, is a specific, definite, action-oriented, encouraging, motivating thought that tells you how to make your life better.
We often avoid conviction because it is spurring us to action, and action is difficult. Instead, we wallow in guilt, on the premise that simply by
feeling so bad about so much we’re paying our dues, making our life better, or at least justifying
all the things that are wrong.
What an enormous waste of time.
May I pose a suggestion, peoplings of the women variety?
Do something about that latent conviction you have. Take action on something specific you want to improve.
And tell guilt to beat it like a Michael Jackson song.
Try it.
For reals. Let me know. Work for you? (You can tell me if it doesn’t, but, um, I’m not going to feel guilty about it.)
Filed underUncategorized Written byAnnieon3rd Jan -11
So I am thinking about what I want most in life. It’s an easy list to make.
as much time as I can get with my husband
healthy, happy, creative, well-trained children
organized, comfortable, hospitable home
creative, fulfilling work/ministry like writing & worship, with growth and progress
Simple. Short list. But lofty goals. These goals require a lot of work. Daily, steady work, discipline, and sometimes intense effort.
All of which would be no problem if I weren’t lazy…
But I am.
Holidays and weekends get me, especially, because I want to sleep late, sit around, have uninterrupted hours to do all the things I don’t have time for… Instead I find that, strangely enough, even on weekends and holidays I am still the wife, mom, and the one in charge of running the house.
(Why didn’t anybody tell me about this “no days off” clause? Where was that in the fine print?)
So I’m still making meals, wiping noses, giving baths, giving instructions, cleaning up messes, enforcing the rules, trying to remember what the rules are, folding the laundry, sweeping the floor… And resenting it because, darn it, no matter how much I try to pretend that I am a naturally industrious, organized, perfect person, I’m not.
I’m a naturally lazy, disorganized, procrastinating, distracted, selfish person. Which means that this ongoing work of wife, mom, homemaker, writer, worshiper is going to require something like a complete transformation.
Ech. That sounds like a lot of work.
“Whatever you do, do it with all your might –Work at it, if necessary, early and late, in season and out of season, not leaving a stone unturned, and never deferring for a single hour that which can be done just as well now. The old proverb is full of truth and meaning, “Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well.” Many a man acquires a fortune by doing his business thoroughly, while his neighbor remains poor for life, because he only half does it. Ambition, energy, industry, perseverance, are indispensable requisites for success in business.”
-P.T. Barnum
In Emperor’s New Groove, Kronk is, of course, my favorite character. I don’t really know how you could have another favorite character.
Kronk has a shoulder angel and a shoulder demon and carries on a few bits of dialogue with them in the movie. At one point, he ends up dismissing them: “Eh, you guys are confusing me, so, uh, begone or whatever it is I have to say.” “That’ll do,” they say, and disappear.
Kronk, You, and What’s On Your Shoulder
What I’m not going to say here is that if you just listened to the voice of God all the time, you wouldn’t have any problems. First, that’s far too simplistic, kind of obvious, and also depends on what you mean by problems.
Some fine people who seemed to have it together as far as listening to God’s voice continued to encounter what I’d define as problems. Lion’s den, anyone?
What I am going to say is that you do deal with voices. Loud ones, quiet ones, all kinds of ‘em, all the time. Yours, your past’s, your culture’s, and everyone else’s. Blah, blah, blah. Know how
I talk about how we talk too much? I think we do that, sometimes, just to cover us the voices blabbing away in our brains. We don’t know how to turn them off, so we talk louder to cover them up. That helps, a bit. But there’s a better way.
Get to the One Thing Already
So – big surprise – the one thing holding you back, my friend, is that you’re listening to, and then acting upon, the wrong voices. But here’s where it gets tricky, because it’s not quite as simple as a shoulder angel and a shoulder demon.
Would that it were. And maybe, deep down, it is, but the problem is that on the surface level – the level on which we hear the voices – things get muddled. Sometimes the shoulder demon dresses up like the shoulder angel. Sometimes the shoulder angel sounds, well, stupid. Sometimes it’s a regular carnival and everybody’s in costume.
Vibes. Get the Good Ones.
The reason we listen to the voices – any of them – is that they appeal to some part of us. But it’s subtle. It’s manipulative. It’s not always easy to identify, and oh-so-easy to justify. Here’s a simple way to differentiate:
The good voices move you forward from positive motivation.
The bad voices move you backward, in circles, or not at all from negative motivation.
And right now, let’s just go ahead and identify the absolute Queen of all negative motivation, at least as far as women are concerned.
Guilt, the Reigning Potentate of Bad Voices
Guilt is the Queen because she seems so right, so accurate. She’ll talk
to whatever matters to you. She’ll phrase it in such spiritual terms, such self-sacrificial words, that saying no to her will seem like the worst sin ever.
But let me be the one to clarify something for us all right here, right now.
God does not motivate us through guilt. God motivates us through specific conviction (something is wrong in what you’re doing, and this is it) and then equally specific encouragement (here is forgiveness, here is how to change). God pulls us onward, forward, by showing us what could be better in specific terms, not what might get worse in vague fear-shaped visions.
Queen Guilt, on the other hand: Vague. Subtle. Manipulative. General. Incessant. Overbearing. Fearful. Anxious. Keeps you running in circles. Keeps you from moving forward. Keeps you from letting go. Offers you no forgiveness. Offers you no hope. Commands you to change but offers you no way to do it.
Annie, 1: Queen Guilt, 0. Ha.
A couple of nights ago I had a list of things that I needed to get done for work.
Now, listen so you know where I’m coming from: I grew up with a stay-at-home Mom. I always thought what I’d be is a stay-at-home Mom. And I am. I’m also, however, a freelance writer. I get to work from home. I do this because, to my surprise, I discovered that I go stir-crazy if I’m not doing something in addition to being a Mommy. That’s just me.
On this evening, I had a backlog and we were in between Internet services at home (don’t even get me started), which meant that I needed to escape to wifi-land for a few hours. Which meant that I needed to leave my Baby and my babies. At home. On the weekend. Without me.
I didn’t have a nice dinner made. I did have a backlog of laundry, a house dirty from our crazy weekend, and a husband who can handle all that stuff, all the kids, and all my paranoias just fine, thank you very much.
But guess what I still felt as I pulled out of the driveway? Yep. Guuuuuilty. No matter that I was going to work, not to have a manicure. Didn’t matter. Queen Guilt was on the scene and just chatting me up like her BFF.
And I let it go on, all the way to the parking lot, before I finally realized I wasn’t talking to myself. I was being talked to. I was being told what to feel, couched in a whole bunch of vaguely spiritual “good wife-good mom” terms that just punched my buttons.
But that’s when I realized this: if God had wanted me to stay at home that night, this is NOT how He would be telling me.
At that point, I punched a few buttons myself, ejected Queen Guilt from the sidecar, went in and got my work done and got back home. End of story, until the next time…
What’s Your Next Time?
We’ve all got hot buttons. You know you do, and chances are those might be areas in which God is calling you to change. But don’t confuse the voice of God for the voice of guilt. Guilt will keep you spinning in the same cobwebs. God will set you free.
Remember: it’s not a question of which voice is loudest. It’s a question of which one you listen to, which one you hear, which one gets your attention. And that part is up to you.
Here’s a recap:
Bad voices will appeal to your insecurity, pride, ego, flesh, fear, stress, mistakes, past, comfort, ease, desire for security, need to be right, need to be needed, need to fit in, need to be liked, fear of man, religious sensibilities. Good voices will appeal to your morals, dreams, courage, humility, understanding, true confidence, sense of adventure, sense of risk, sense of purpose, deeper vision,
long-term goals, sacrificial love, wisdom.
Bad voices will be urgent: do it now, do it now, do it now or else. Good voices will be direct, specific, and consistent: this is the way, walk in it.
It’s a guaranteed help for your marriage, and it’s a great thing to practice in every conversation with every person you encounter. When was the last time you really listened to your kids? Or your Mom? Or that neighbor who always drops in?
2. Start having unplugged time.
Designate a day out of the week or a few hours at night when all computers and cell phones are off and you are simply alive in the world, together. We need – desperately – more time away from constant consumption, information, and digital interaction. We need more time to digest. We need time to breathe. We need time to process. We need time for things to come to the surface. We need less distraction and more depth.
3. Find a role model or an ideal and use that as your basis of comparison.
Role models give us a tangible ideal of life as it could be. Sometimes it’s too difficult to just stop comparing. So find someone worth comparing to. If you can’t find anyone, sit down and write out your ideal life, vision, world, self, future. Tack it up on the wall. You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. -Michael Jordan
4. Start expanding your frame of reference.
Travel. Get out of town, out of state, out of the country. Don’t critique. You’re not there to compare and identify all the ways these people do things differently. Go to learn. Go to see new things. Go to get a bigger picture of the world.
Volunteer. Offer your help at a charity or mission or at your church. Get around people and groups that aren’t in your normal orbit. Listen, be courteous, treat everyone with respect. Pay attention. Get the stories.
Read. Read widely, read often, read well. Feed on books. They nourish your mind and your soul. They expand your world. And they’re cheaper than a plane ticket.
Meet people. Everywhere you go, notice the people around you. Be ready with a smile, a handshake, an introduction. Don’t be shy. Reach out. Make conversation. Invite people into your life.
Get into other cultures. Learn a new cuisine, watch foreign films, go to the Middle East Market, practice Spanish with a friend from Mexico or Guatemala, ask questions, soak it up.
5. Start taking responsibility.
Listen: there are always extenuating circumstances. Nothing is never perfect. This is life on earth. Stop making excuses, start taking responsibility. There is a power and freedom in taking responsibility. You will find yourself stronger, better able to cope, less emotionally driven, less offended, less hurt, less angry, and, definitely, less victimized.
6. Start using my Mom’s rule: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
This is the complete and definite opposite of being snarky. This rule will not make you popular in trendy circles. This rule will probably make you the butt of jokes in those same trendy circles. Who cares?
7. Cultivate a real sense of humor.
Laugh at yourself. Laugh at the silly things in life. Laugh when plans change. Laugh at the absurdity of little humans trying to run the world. A sense of humor judges one’s actions and the actions of others from a wider reference… It pardons shortcomings; it consoles failure. It recommends moderation. -Thornton Wilder
8. Get more iron in your life.
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) Seek out people who will tell you the truth and challenge you to be the best version of yourself. Steer away from those who accept mediocrity in their lives. Cut back on relationships that drag you down. If every conversation you have with a friend is gossiping, complaining, or comparing, you are wasting your time and hers. If you are not influencing for the better, you are being influenced. Find people who will influence you toward good.
9. Start assuming the best about yourself, about life, and about every single person you meet.
Assume that they’re all interesting, worthwhile, valid, exceptional people with burning purpose and a passion to help and a willingness to serve and something of value to offer. Assume the same about yourself. Assume that every single thing you do makes an impact. Soon it will be true.
10. Start the daily habit of proactive generosity.
Look for ways to give. Offer your help, your expertise, your money, your wisdom, your wit, your time, your home, your hospitality, your food, your insight, your experience, your humility, your hands, your cleaning supplies. Offer what you have. Look for a need you can meet every single day. Meet it. Make it a habit. Make generosity a foundational principle in your life. Provision for others ia fundamental responsibility of human life. -Woodrow Wilson
Really. We are obsessed with talking about everything: meetings, marriage counseling, phone calls, texting, discussions, emails, chatting, family counsels, therapy.
Some of that’s great, some of it is needed, but 87% of the time, the solution is not talk but action. You only need that 13% of talk time to figure out what action to take. From there, talking is just that much more procrastination. [Yes, I made up the 87%. Seems like a good number though.]
2. Stop updating your online life every 20 seconds.
You’re distracted, and you’re creating a false sense of connection, community, and productivity, and it’s adding to the clutter in your life without adding any real value.
Update maybe 3 or 5 times a day (if that) and then spend time in the real world creating real connections, adding to a real community, and doing some things that are really productive. Like maybe counting the times I used the word “really” in that sentence.
In what areas of life do you find yourself continually tripping up, falling, failing? Proverbs tells us that the fear of man brings a snare, and asks “Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy?” [Proverbs 27:4].
Those areas where you keep tripping and falling? Look for snare: the fear of man setting a standard that isn’t right for you. And look for envy, which is guaranteed to make you fall. You can’t stand in the face of it, so get it out of your heart.
4. Stop using your culture and your peer group as your only reference point.
Number #3 will be directly effected for the better. Get a new, bigger frame of reference. Study history. Read about different cultures. Read the Bible. Expand.
5. Stop feeling sorry for people.
Yourself, especially. Pity helps no one. It reinforces the self-defeating cycle of
victimization. It enables addictions, narcissism, and poverty of the soul.
It justifies laziness, resentment, and fear. It makes you negative. Offer mercy. Have compassion. But in your mercy and compassion, always see and call people (including yourself, especially) to be their best, to live up to what God has made them to be.
Sarcasm is not that great. I know, I know, there’s a lot of it here. I’m working on it. Really, I am, because here’s the bottom line: it’s fun to be clever, and witty, and make people laugh. But at the end of the day, sincerity counts for a lot more than snarkiness.
When people need help, they will not turn to the wit of the group, they will turn to the one who will listen and answer sincerely. I want to help people. Do you? Don’t turn them away by putting a witty one-liner at a higher value than someone’s feelings.
7. Stop keeping stuff you don’t need.
Old clothes. Old relationships. Grasp the “seasonal” concept and apply it to everything. Okay, there are limits! Marriage – keep that. Kids – keep them. Parents – hang on. Siblings – keep them too. Some relationships are meant to last a lifetime, but not all relationships are meant to last, and not all relationships can last at the same level.
If you’re a loyal person (I am), it can be extremely difficult to realize this and take action accordingly. However, for the sake of the relationships in your life that do need to last, that do have a level of depth, you need to let go of others.
8. Stop with the feel-good friends.
Find some friends who make you a little nervous, uncomfortable, who ask questions you can’t answer, who know more than you do about God, parenting, child-rearing, who challenge you, who inspire you, who call you to be (what was that we said earlier?) your best, to live up to what God has made you to be. Not convinced? Read
Proverbs 27: 5, 6, 9.
9. Stop assuming people don’t like you, don’t get you, or don’t care about you.
Sure, maybe for every 100 people you meet there will be 2 who don’t get you, 1 who doesn’t like you, and 1 who just doesn’t care about you. But the other 96? They get you (on some level); they like you; they care about you (to some degree); and they like you.
All that is needed for more getting, liking, and caring is more time, and more of you getting, liking, and caring about them. So don’t be paranoid. Risk it. People care, they really do. (P.S. I like you.)
10. Stop protecting yourself, your stuff, and your territory.
If you do just one thing from this list, make it this one. You want a better life? Really? Quit trying to control everything. Quit staking your claim in the world. Quit demanding that things go your way. Quit looking out for yourself.
Quit measuring, quit hoarding, quit defending. Open up. Give. Give more than you think you can. Flex. Go with the flow. Do things
your husband’s way. Ask your friend for her advice, then take it. Be generous with your whole life. There is one that scattereth, and yet increaseth; and there is one that withholdeth more than is needed, but ends up in poverty. The liberal soul shall be made prosperous; and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.Proverbs 11:24-25
