SISTER WISDOM

10 reasons to take on that challenge Comments Off

Filed under take ten
Written by Annie on 7th Apr -11

You know, the challenge in front of you. The one you are facing (unavoidably) or considering. The one that is difficult, kind of inspiring, but intimidating, too. Here’s why you should go for it.

And yet, only challenge causes growth. Only challenge will test our skills and make us better. Only challenge and the self-motivation to engage the challenge will transform us. Every challenge we face is an opportunity to create a more skillful self. So it is up to you to constantly look for challenges to motivate yourself with. And it’s up to you to notice when you’re buried alive in a comfort zone. – Steve Chandler

1. Challenges keep your life from becoming an exercise in boredom.

How exciting is it to do the same (normal) thing every day, to walk the same (comfortable) rut every week? Oooh. Goose bumps. Can hardly contain the excitement. Hold your enthusiasm. Wow, it’s those mundane things that really bring the zest into your life, isn’t it? Um, wait. Maybe not. Shake yourself up. Do something new.

Don’t be boring until you’re dead, and before you die make sure you try all sorts of wacky, impossible things that will give people plenty to talk about at your funeral.

Consider it your gift to a world full of boring people.

2. Challenges help you to grow.

As our friend Mr. Chandler pointed out above, “only challenge causes growth.” And have you heard that other one about when you cease to grow, you begin to die?

3. Challenges show you what you’re capable of.

Struggling with confidence? Burdened by a string of failures in your (recent) past? Not sure what you can do, or even why you would try? The longer you sit around with your self-defeating, fatalistic thoughts, the more you become a pseudo-emo-child and world knows we don’t need any more of those.

Get off your emofied bum and go do something challenging.

4. Challenges help you let go of the old dead stuff you didn’t even realize you were carrying around.

S’true. You have baggage. It might be in terms of old dead habits (they are no longer serving you) or old dead relationships (they are not longer vital, viable, or sustainable) or old dead ways of thinking… or just in terms of physical stuff (clutter = old dead stuff stinking up your space). When you commit to and begin pursuing a new challenge, you start reaching forward.

You put a new priority on the new habits and new relationships and new ways of thinking required to achieve the challenge. As a result, you begin, often unconsciously, letting that old stuff fall away.

And it’s good. You feel lighter, you feel better, and you realize that you didn’t need all that old dead ick infringing on your life.

5. Challenges motivate and inspire other people around you.

Want to help a friend who’s stuck? Do something challenging and share the challenge. DON’T tell her to take on a challenge. Take on one yourself, and let her see your struggle and your success. We all need to move out of the small window of our own view and see a bigger world. You take on a challenge, you expand your own view, and you let the people around you share that. It’s good for everybody.

6. Challenges give you a chance to get closer to who you actually want to be.

Even challenges which seem directly unrelated to your long-term goals or life plan or what-have-you still bring you closer to reaching those goals, to becoming that person you (secretly?) want to be. Why? Because challenges help you grow, help you see how capable you are, help you let go of old dead stuff… hey, have you been reading this list?

7. Challenges give you something worthwhile to talk about.

Grace us with interesting Facebook status updates. Please. In the age of endless, constant communication, we’re all dying for something interesting to hear and discuss. Something besides the latest Youtube video or how much people hate Mondays or what we all had for lunch. Verbal refreshment, in the form of challenge updates. Bring it. We’re waiting.

8. Challenges call out the better part of who you are.

You know what part of you is resisting the challenge before you now? The fearful part. The lazy part. The hesitant, indecisive, self-indulgent, self-conscious part. In other words: not the good part. Don’t give the weenie-half any more power than it wields (for a wimpy part-of-self, it’s a power monger; don’t feed that).

Bring forth the best.

9. Challenges give you more sympathy for others who are struggling.

It’s easy to be deconstructively critical and snarky and all-things-culturally-acceptable-but-rude when we feel comfortable in our own lives. It’s easy to look down on others when we feel we have the high ground in our own lives.

But when you yourself are staring at a mountain, when the climb is sapping your energy, when you’re putting your all into something that’s tough but rewarding, then you can see a little more clearly.

You can sympathize with the struggles – and the successes – of other people in your life. Your high horse isn’t so high, after all, when you get it in perspective. Get that perspective for yourself or life will hand it to you, painfully, one way or the other.

10. Challenges equip you to be more useful and helpful to others.

At the end of any challenge, even a challenge which you might technically fail but still put all your heart and soul’s effort into, you will be a better, smarter, more knowledgeable, more helpful, more empathetic, and vastly more interesting person. Which means you have more to offer to other people, to the people closest to you, to the world in general. This is a good thing. Good for your self-esteem, good for your social life. Also, good for humanity.

So go for it.

Image: Me on top of a mountain by Blogging Bookshelf

3 common causes of failure Comments Off

Filed under self
Written by Annie on 7th Mar -11

This morning I was reading Arnold Bennett’s book Mental Efficiency. Kind of a slog to read through, but some gems in there.
Like this:

…no wound is more cruel to the spirit of resolve than that dealt by failure.

True. Solomon put it slightly differently:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. [Prov. 13:12]

On one hand, failure isn’t a thing to fear or to be avoided. If we see failure for what it is, simply a step on the road to our goals, it becomes less intimidating, less cruel. But when we fail over and over in reaching our goals or resolving our problems or simply moving on, it wears us down. Before long, we begin to see only the pattern of failure in our lives, and it makes us want to quit trying.

Bennett names three common causes of failure:

unrealistic expectations: “you undertook too much at the beginning.”
peer pressure: “the disintegrating effect on the will-power of the ironic, superior smile of friends.”
impracticality: “you did not rearrange your day.”

unrealistic expectations

I do this all the time.

It’s a problem with me forgetting that I am, after all, not SuperWoman. Which is fine, if I realize this and set realistic goals, i.e., goals that a normal person can actuallyar achieve in a given amount of time.

Goals like write a novel this year, not write a novel today. See the difference?

Do you overestimate yourself? It’s good to set our expectations high. Most of us can do far more than we think we can. But we also need to be realistic about the demands of the day (which won’t simply disappear because we have a lofty new goal to pursue) and what we can accomplish with those demands still intact. We can also work on reducing the demands so we can focus on what is most important to us.

peer pressure

Mediocrity, interesting part of our culture. It’s like a big, lame party; nobody’s really having fun, but everybody’s acting like they’re happy because everybody else seems to be having a good time…
If one honest person would just step up and say, this party is lame, I have better things to do, there would be a lot of agreement. But since nobody says that, everybody just keeps smiling and making stupid comments and eating the cold appetizers.

You’ll get a mixed bag response if you set a high goal or demand more from yourself than the inane level of mediocrity in which most of us settle. Some people will encourage you, push you on, be inspired and become an inspiration to you.
Others will, because of their own unmet expectations and failed goals, make light of your resolutions, predict failure, and generally hold you up for mockery, either implied or explicit.

Simple Solution: just do your thing, set your goal, and start achieving it without talking about it. While accountability can be a powerful help on the road to reaching your goals, you need to be accountable to the right sort of people, not the public in general (in most cases). If your group of friends tends toward the snarky side, don’t expect them to suddenly veer into warm, empathetic encouragement to help you on your way.

impracticality

Maybe you can set realistic goals:

run a 5k next month
read a book a week
write a blog post every day
eat more salads

Whatever they are, if you don’t actually plan in the time and stuff you’ll need to do the work to reach those goals, you won’t reach them.

To train for a 5k, you need to start running on a regular basis. When will you do that? Do you own running shoes?
To read a book a week, you need a book. And you need to pick the book up instead of turning the tv on, or sitting in front of the computer, or going to the mall.
To write a blog post every day, you need to set aside the length of time it takes you do produce a post. Otherwise it will be shoved aside, shoved aside, and eventually forgotten.
To eat more salads, well, you need some lettuce in the refrigerator, right? And you need to make it part of your meal plan. Don’t go eat at fast food joints 5x/week if your goal is to eat more salads.

Do you set good goals but then fail to give yourself the resources to achieve them?

Don’t set yourself up for failure.

As you review your goals, make some changes and adjustments to the ones that are causing you grief. Go through the checklist:

Are my goals actually achievable in my life?

Are my peers encouraging me or discouraging me in these goals? [you can always get new friends. maybe you should...]

Am I planning in the time and getting myself the resources I need to make regular progress toward my goals?

Image: Through a window by Muffet

2 keys to help you reach your goals Comments Off

Filed under self
Written by Annie on 3rd Feb -11

Let’s jump right in here. What’s the toughest part about reaching your goals?
Not defining them, usually.
Not figuring out how to reach them.
The path to even the most difficult goals is usually obvious. Action 1, action 2, action 3, acgtion 4, and so on. If you want to write a book and get a great book deal, that’s difficult to do but not difficult to understand how to do.

The difficulty is in the doing, the action, the day-to-day continued commitment.

Why? What happens? It isn’t usually because the work is so hard. It’s because we lose the vision, and then we don’t remember why… and we’re basically lazy… and old habits are strong. So we give up.

Answer? Put something in place to take the place of that rush of vision.

1. Accountability

Accountability means saying in some public way or another, “Hey, I’m doing this! Everybody watch and see!”

It’s almost a dare. It’s exposure. It’s bold. It’s unnerving. And it makes you want to do whatever you said you’d do, because now you’ve got an audience and they’re going to know your failure if you give up.

“Everybody” doesn’t have to be a big group. It could be your spouse, a couple of friends, a small group of folks with the same interest. It could be your blog readership, which might be very small or very large depending. It could be your entire social network.

The size of the group doesn’t matter; what matters is that in some public way you make a commitment. You share the vision and you share the plan, and you say, “Dare you to watch me accomplish this.”

And then you don’t want to quit, because you’ve got a person, or people, or a group, watching you. You don’t want to disappoint them. You don’t want to be embarrassed. And that motivation, of pleasing and impressing people, can be enough to keep you going even when the vision is really vague.

2. Tracking

Tracking means specific actions and deadlines and then keeping track of how well you do at achieving those actions by those deadlines.

Tracking also means collecting information related to your actions or ultimate goals. Keeping a food journal, for example, and recording your daily weight is a way to track your progress on a diet or fitness program.

Tracking can be as simple as writing stuff down on a piece of paper or the calendar and scratching it off once you’ve achieved it.
Of course, there are lots of other more tech-savvy ways to track your progress, too.

You can get goal-tracking software or use an online goal-tracking system, such as Joe’s Goals.
Join a goal-tracking group, which could be “real-world” ( Weight Watchers, for example), or based online ( 43Things).
Put a goal-tracking app on your smart phone: I use Trak for iPhone. It’s free.
Or get any other type of system you want in place (calendar, notebook, etc.).

The point is, you track your day-to-day progress and you grab the information that helps you become more aware of your pgoress, your habits, and then obstacles you need to overcome to reach your goals.

And that information can be powerful motivation, a new awareness that keeps you going even when you can’t remember quite why you’re pursuing this goal.

Work It Together

For any challenging goal, the smartest move (if you want to succeed, that is) is to use both tracking and accountability. Tracking can be as detailed as you like, as simple or complicated as you need. Just keep up with it. Look at how far you’ve come. Get the information. get a system in place for it.

Add the tracking to some kind of accountability. Start a blog, join a group, join a forum, take on a challenge with a friend.

Achieving your goals is difficult because it requires you to stretch out of your comfortable boundaries and create new spaces, new habits. You have to stretch, you have to lose old habits, and you have to gain proficiency at unfamiliar and difficult tasks. Don’t set yourself up for failure. Don’t be a loner. Share your vision and it becomes stronger.

If one fails to develop goals that give meaning to one’s existence, if on does not use the mind to its fullest, then good feelings fulfill just a fraction of the potential we possess. A person who achieves contentment by withdrawing from the world to “cultivate his own garden,” like Voltaire’s Candide, cannot be said to lead an excellent life. Without dreams, without risks, only a trivial semblance of living can be achieved.

Image: success by charliedayartist

3 Steps to Successful Goal-Setting for Moms Comments Off

Filed under self
Written by Annie on 20th Jan -11

You can have anything but you can’t have everything.

So you have to choose:

what constitutes success in your life right now?

Don’t limit yourself because of fear, but do limit your goals (the ones you are actively pursuing) to as many as you can focus on. I’ve found that I max out at about 3 big goal chases at a time.

What’s wrong with traditional goal-setting

I’ve seen lots of recommendations; the most common among women’s advice circles seems to be to go through the basic areas of your life and set goals for each one. Depending on what you define as a single area, you can have from 5 to 10 areas, and thus, 5 to 10 goals, happening at a time.
For example, a typical area-of-life breakdown might look like this:

- marriage/relationships
- kids/parenting
- home
- work/career
- health/fitness
- personal
- social
- educational/intellectual
- hobbies…

If you take the traditional route of setting one goal for each area, then actively pursuing each goal, you’ll be simultaneously trying to fix your life in 5, 10, 12 areas at a time.
That’s a lot of pressure.

a better goal-setting method

I suggest a different, simpler, and infinitely more effective route; this works for anyone, but it’s especially helpful for Moms who are juggling their own needs along with those of husband, kids, house, job, social life, etc. When your life is complicated, your goal-setting should be simple.
Basically, you need to ask yourself three questions:

Question 1. What in my (current) life bothers me most?

Not just that nagging tooth ache you need to make an appointment for, though certainly you should go see your dentist about that… But what is happening, or not happening, in your life that bothers you on a daily and deeply?
Goal #1: Fixing/eliminating the problem you identify in Question #1.

Question 2. What do I dream of pursuing someday?

For Moms, maybe you’ve put your career on hold until your kids are in school; or maybe you dream of what life will be like when you’re financially able to quit your job and stay home; or maybe you have a career and kids and you’re loving both but you’ve put off some other dreams, like traveling or learning a new language or learning to cook or getting in shape or volunteering. What are you putting off, waiting on, putting on hold while your life continues around you?
Goal #2: Taking action to reach that dream you identify in Question #2.

Question 3. What can I do to simplify and de-stress my life in a practical/logistical way?

You want to keep your life above the survival level, but you can’t fix everything all at once. That’s where most of us mess up; we get inspired, motivated, frustrated enough to declare war on the way things are. We’re going to fix the kids, fix the husband, fix the finances, fix ourselves, fix the house, all by February 15, so help me God.

And that just doesn’t happen… so we give up, right? The point is, it’s simply too much to try to fix it all. The point of Question #3 is to help you figure out one goal you can reach to simplify your life, thus reducing stress (and improving the quality) of all your life. Maybe it’s declutter the closets, finish the kitchen remodel, join a gym, get a new wardrobe, or get a regular babysitter. Maybe it’s quit your job, get out of debt, or simplify your social life. You decide; what rings truest with you right now? You can tackle the other stuff later.
Goal #3: Simplifying/reducing stress in your life by tackling one practical/logistical area you identify in Question #3.

Printable Goal-Setting Worksheet

I’ve put together a down loadable, printable worksheet so you can sit down with these three questions and your purple Sharpie (oh, is that just me?) and set some goals that you’ll actually reach. Download it by clicking here.

Image: No. 3 (Washington, DC) by takomabibelot

The One Thing Holding You Back Comments Off

Filed under self
Written by Annie on 19th Aug -10

In Emperor’s New Groove, Kronk is, of course, my favorite character. I don’t really know how you could have another favorite character.

Kronk has a shoulder angel and a shoulder demon and carries on a few bits of dialogue with them in the movie. At one point, he ends up dismissing them: “Eh, you guys are confusing me, so, uh, begone or whatever it is I have to say.” “That’ll do,” they say, and disappear.

Kronk, You, and What’s On Your Shoulder

What I’m not going to say here is that if you just listened to the voice of God all the time, you wouldn’t have any problems. First, that’s far too simplistic, kind of obvious, and also depends on what you mean by problems.

Some fine people who seemed to have it together as far as listening to God’s voice continued to encounter what I’d define as problems. Lion’s den, anyone?

What I am going to say is that you do deal with voices. Loud ones, quiet ones, all kinds of ‘em, all the time. Yours, your past’s, your culture’s, and everyone else’s. Blah, blah, blah. Know how I talk about how we talk too much? I think we do that, sometimes, just to cover us the voices blabbing away in our brains. We don’t know how to turn them off, so we talk louder to cover them up. That helps, a bit. But there’s a better way.

Get to the One Thing Already

So – big surprise – the one thing holding you back, my friend, is that you’re listening to, and then acting upon, the wrong voices. But here’s where it gets tricky, because it’s not quite as simple as a shoulder angel and a shoulder demon.

Would that it were. And maybe, deep down, it is, but the problem is that on the surface level – the level on which we hear the voices – things get muddled. Sometimes the shoulder demon dresses up like the shoulder angel. Sometimes the shoulder angel sounds, well, stupid. Sometimes it’s a regular carnival and everybody’s in costume.

Vibes. Get the Good Ones.

The reason we listen to the voices – any of them – is that they appeal to some part of us. But it’s subtle. It’s manipulative. It’s not always easy to identify, and oh-so-easy to justify. Here’s a simple way to differentiate:

The good voices move you forward from positive motivation.
The bad voices move you backward, in circles, or not at all from negative motivation.

And right now, let’s just go ahead and identify the absolute Queen of all negative motivation, at least as far as women are concerned.

Guilt, the Reigning Potentate of Bad Voices

Guilt is the Queen because she seems so right, so accurate. She’ll talk to whatever matters to you. She’ll phrase it in such spiritual terms, such self-sacrificial words, that saying no to her will seem like the worst sin ever.

But let me be the one to clarify something for us all right here, right now.

God does not motivate us through guilt. God motivates us through specific conviction (something is wrong in what you’re doing, and this is it) and then equally specific encouragement (here is forgiveness, here is how to change). God pulls us onward, forward, by showing us what could be better in specific terms, not what might get worse in vague fear-shaped visions.

Queen Guilt, on the other hand: Vague. Subtle. Manipulative. General. Incessant. Overbearing. Fearful. Anxious. Keeps you running in circles. Keeps you from moving forward. Keeps you from letting go. Offers you no forgiveness. Offers you no hope. Commands you to change but offers you no way to do it.

Annie, 1: Queen Guilt, 0. Ha.

A couple of nights ago I had a list of things that I needed to get done for work.

Now, listen so you know where I’m coming from: I grew up with a stay-at-home Mom. I always thought what I’d be is a stay-at-home Mom. And I am. I’m also, however, a freelance writer. I get to work from home. I do this because, to my surprise, I discovered that I go stir-crazy if I’m not doing something in addition to being a Mommy. That’s just me.

On this evening, I had a backlog and we were in between Internet services at home (don’t even get me started), which meant that I needed to escape to wifi-land for a few hours. Which meant that I needed to leave my Baby and my babies. At home. On the weekend. Without me.

I didn’t have a nice dinner made. I did have a backlog of laundry, a house dirty from our crazy weekend, and a husband who can handle all that stuff, all the kids, and all my paranoias just fine, thank you very much.

But guess what I still felt as I pulled out of the driveway? Yep. Guuuuuilty. No matter that I was going to work, not to have a manicure. Didn’t matter. Queen Guilt was on the scene and just chatting me up like her BFF.

And I let it go on, all the way to the parking lot, before I finally realized I wasn’t talking to myself. I was being talked to. I was being told what to feel, couched in a whole bunch of vaguely spiritual “good wife-good mom” terms that just punched my buttons.

But that’s when I realized this: if God had wanted me to stay at home that night, this is NOT how He would be telling me.

At that point, I punched a few buttons myself, ejected Queen Guilt from the sidecar, went in and got my work done and got back home. End of story, until the next time…

What’s Your Next Time?

We’ve all got hot buttons. You know you do, and chances are those might be areas in which God is calling you to change. But don’t confuse the voice of God for the voice of guilt. Guilt will keep you spinning in the same cobwebs. God will set you free.

Remember: it’s not a question of which voice is loudest. It’s a question of which one you listen to, which one you hear, which one gets your attention. And that part is up to you.

Here’s a recap:

Bad voices will appeal to your insecurity, pride, ego, flesh, fear, stress, mistakes, past, comfort, ease, desire for security, need to be right, need to be needed, need to fit in, need to be liked, fear of man, religious sensibilities.
Good voices will appeal to your morals, dreams, courage, humility, understanding, true confidence, sense of adventure, sense of risk, sense of purpose, deeper vision, long-term goals, sacrificial love, wisdom.

Bad voices will be urgent: do it now, do it now, do it now or else.
Good voices will be direct, specific, and consistent: this is the way, walk in it.

Who are you listening to?

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