SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

What

It's the best thing you can do for your marriage. It's simple. You already know how.
It is the Art of Listening.

Why

• It's a basic (though often lost) courtesy of human interaction.
• Your husband is the most important person in your life. When you invest in him by listening, you invest in your own life.
• You don't know everything about him. He can surprise you. You just need to give him a chance.

What It's Not

1. Nodding, smiling, and saying "Mmmmhmm," and "Sure," and "Yes, of course," while your mind wanders over the 1000 things you haven't accomplished today.
2. Letting your eyes glaze over while he describes some technical/mechanical/sports-related item that you don't understand or care to understand.
3. Having a running internal commentary of snide remarks that you won't let yourself say out loud.
4. Interrupting.
5. Giving him the cues that say, "I'm really too busy for this, could you please hurry it along?"
6. Finishing his sentences.
7. Thinking of what you'll say next when he finally stops talking.

What It Is

• Saying "I want to hear this, but I'm very distracted right now. Could we talk later?" when you are distracted by valid concerns, interruptions, children, etc.
• Following up on that by actually making time to sit down and talk, even if that means staying up later than you like, or skipping the tv show, or not getting to next chapter in your book or blog in your reader.
• Making eye contact.
• Acting like you have all the time in the world, whether you do or not.
• Asking questions.
• Employing the 5-second rule: wait 5 seconds after he finishes talking before you respond. Try it. Really.
• Looking for the real story.
• Leaving your assumptions behind.
• Showing that you are interested in what he says, in what he is interested in, just because of who he is. Even if you hate sports. Even if you don't get how the gears fit together.
• Responding.

Go forth and listen!

It's not a good thing.

Men like to be taken care of. It's relaxing and easy for them to become apathetic. It's easier to let somebody else be in charge of those irritating little daily parts of life. The medium-sized parts of life. And while you're at it, go ahead and take care of the big stuff, too.

The Big Toddler Syndrome

Here's an example. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

"Sometimes I feel like Boseephus gets home from work and instead of my best friend - an ADULT - it's more questions (where is this, where is that, what did you do here, what is going on there, have you done this, can you help with that, etc.) and more needs and more messes. And I just want to scream. I have been a Mommy all day long. The last thing I need is someone else to take care of."

Does anybody have any idea what this lady is talking about? Ever been there? Felt that way?

Here you are, trying to be a good wife, trying to have a better marriage, a Biblical marriage, trying to help out and keep being in love... And this. This is not helping. This is not what you need. Where did your husband, that strong, capable man, go? Why did he disappear? And where did this adult-sized, toddler-brained look alike come from? And how do you fix it?

And how do you fix it? You?You aren't the one who needs to fix it, that's how.

Step away from the grown-up toddler.

How It All Starts

Men want their wives to be happy, so they sacrifice their own desires for their wives.
"Most women do not understand how much it pleases a man to please a woman, specifically how important it is to the man in her life to please her. Furthermore, a man does not simply want to please her -- he lives to please her" (1).

They start asking instead of telling, getting the wife's opinion instead of just making the decision, asking about our preferences instead of just doing things their way. That's very nice and sacrificial and loving of them. Unfortunately... something gets lost in translation. We take in all the checking and asking as uncertainty (at best) or cluelessness (at worst).

The wife thinks, first, something like, "Wow, he really needs me, isn't that sweet?" Then she thinks something like, "Wow, I have to babysit him." Eventually it becomes a simple habit: "I have to tell my husband how to do everything."

Meanwhile, the husband is thinking, I wouldn't do it that way but because she requested it, or because I know she prefers it, or because I think it will make her happy... I'll do it for her. So the husband lets her be in charge to accomodate her. The wife assumes that if she doesn't take charge then he just won't do anything. Soon he starts to resent the way she bosses him around. Soon she starts to resent the way he's totally passive.

How It All Gets Worse

She may not have meant to, but little wifey took advantage of her husband's willingness to let her make the choices and have her own preferences. A heart to help becomes twisted. It's easier for the guy to let the woman take over; then he becomes apathetic in the areas in which she takes over, and then she takes over all the other areas. It quickly spreads.

That's why the laid-back husband might start establishing these "hidden" areas, addictive hobbies, an obsession with sports, hours in front of the screen, etc. It's just to establish something in his own life over which his woman cannot establish/maintain control... That's why he gets so defensive about it, too, when the woman questions: Why do you spend so much time on the golf course/watching football/on the computer? The man is thinking, This is the LAST and ONLY thing which I have kept for myself, which I haven't changed or given up in order to please you. Would you just leave it alone!

How It All Needs to Stop

Somebody needs to step back and create some space here. We wives often won't get out of the way long enough to give them room to lead. We get so used to being consulted, accommodated, in charge, that we make it nearly impossible for our husbands to do things without "checking" first. We don't want to be in charge, really, but they don't know how to take charge again without offending us.

My recommendation for the wife of Boseephus - or the wife of any man who has reverted to toddler-like behavior - is this:

• Get busy with your own responsibilities, hobbies, and stuff so you're not just sitting around looking available to do/control/critique his responsibilities, hobbies, and stuff.
• Give him a little downtime when he first gets home from work to unwind. Everybody unwinds differently. Maybe he likes to chat, be silly, rough house with the kids, zone out on the computer or in front of the tv, be alone for a few minutes, tackle a physical project. I know, I know: you want to see him, you want to talk to somebody over the age of 10, you need to unwind too. You'll get your chance! Just hang in there a little bit longer. Try it. See what happens.
• Use these three magic words for those questions you shouldn't have to answer (e.g. where is my wallet?, or, have you seen that random thing that fell out of my pants pocket, sat on my closet floor for three days, and has now disappeared?): "I don't know." Be nice, now. You could even say, "I don't know, honey."
• Don't get upset when he starts making some decisions without consulting you first. It's kind of a package deal. You don't get to say I'll be in charge of areas x, y, z, and you be in charge of areas a, b, c, but please ask me about d, don't do e without checking first, and for pete's sake remember how I prefer f to be handled! Come on. Chill out a bit. Try new things. It will be good for you. Weeeeee!
• If you're up for extra credit here, try this too: start asking about his preferences and opinions. That doesn't mean you have to custom-cater everything to his whims. But it's kind of nice to know what he likes, isn't it?

-

Images

1. Toddler in the bath courtesy of Jolien Vallins on Flickr.

Sources

1. Patricia Love, Ed.D, and Steven Stosny, Ph.D. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. New York: Broadway Books, 2007. Page 66, quoting research by Patricia Love and Jo Robinson for the book Hot Monogamy in which 1500 couples were interviewed regarding relationships.

When we were engaged, my husband bought a book of Emily Dickinson's poems. Now, if you know my husband, you know he's not so much a poetry reader. This was a pure act of love for me, his bride-to-be, who was (and still is) an avid poetry reader.

I tell him about sonnets.
He tells me about mechanical workings, string theory, economics, and how to get from Point A to Point B.

We learn things from each other like that. It's a nice argument for bringing back the bartering system.

So, SuperMan, here's my trade for the day: a little poem Ms. Dickinson wrote. You are the atom I prefer.

Of all the souls that stand create

Of all the souls that stand create
I have elected one.
When sense from spirit files away,
And subterfuge is done;

When that which is and that which was
Apart, intrinsic, stand,
And this brief tragedy of flesh
Is shifted like a sand;

When figures show their royal front
And mists are carved away,—
Behold the atom I preferred
To all the lists of clay!

--

Sources

1. Emily Dickinson's poem "Of All the Souls That Stand Create" taken from this website.

Images

1. "fresh love" from viZZZual.com on Flickr.

Make time for him.

Find out what romantic means for your husband.

Let him know what romantic means for you.

Be appreciative.

Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.

~Mark Twain Read the rest of this entry »

Liberation is an iffy thing.

Church and Feminism

The women's liberation movement of the 1960's drew two rather extreme responses from the Church: either we jumped right on the equal rights bandwagon and set up church day schools and child-care centers to help the church women pursue careers, or we withdrew in shock and horror and deemed anything not concerned with home or children inappropriate, even unbiblical, for women's interest.

Extremes usually fall short of wisdom. These responses are no exception.

Go Ahead and Roar

Woman was created to be a help meet to man. Every liberated woman will roar (as women are said to do) at this statement, but it is simple truth. God's promise is that the truth will set us free, so accept this truth as something that leads to greater freedom, not less, for us as women.

A Help What?

God says woman is to be a help meet. He does not say, “I will make a homemaker for him...” or “I will make a domestic slave for him...” or “I will make an additional income provider for him....”

Yet, O Women, have we not identified ourselves in such roles before? Homemaking is not next to godliness; neither is having a career. Neither pursuit is our God-mandated work.

At different times we may be called upon to be homemakers or to be assistants in a different sphere. Let us not confuse the means with the mandate. The mandate is to be a help meet. The means will vary.

Wrong Priorities

When any work becomes more important than the work of helping our husbands, we have fallen away from God's mandate. Sister, your house may be clean, your meals may be perfect, your children may be excelling at everything you put before them; but what is the motive of your work?

What is your heart? Have you forgotten the mandate in your busy, efficient home management?

Sister, your work may be valuable, your income may be treasured, your contribution may be unquestioned; but what is the motive of your work?

What is your heart? Have you forgotten the mandate in your smart, diligent pursuit of a career?

A Place Beyond Boundaries

Neither the home nor the office can claim exclusive rights over “a woman's place.” God has defined that place as something beyond physical and social boundaries, something that can change as the seasons of life change without compromising its purpose.

To assist our husbands in ruling the earth is a broader and greater work than we have deemed ourselves capable of. Let us walk in faith, and not be so small-minded as to limit our lives to only one small part of this work.

I Want to Be Equal, Too!

The curse of feminism is the cry for equality: I can open my own doors, drive my own car, earn my own money, make my own way. This kind of equality leads to women trying to fulfill the instructions given to men and women, not just the ones given to women.

It isn't that women cannot do those things that men are instructed to do; in most cases, women are quite capable of them all. But ability does not equal responsibility; just being able to do something does not mean you should be doing it.

Inferior? I Think Not

Cultural feminism tells us that when we do only what we find ourselves particularly suited to do, we have made ourselves inferior to men. Frankly, I don't see the logic there. It seems smart to me to do what you're good at and what you enjoy, rather than kill yourself trying to prove some obscure agenda to a faceless mass of imaginary patriarchs.

Men certainly don't kill themselves trying to prove that they're just as good at being women as we are. It seems just a bit silly that we would work so hard trying to prove how good we are at being men.

Don't Be a Negative Nancy

The Bible is not legalistic about what women should and should not do; it gives very clear but also very flexible instructions as to what our primary occupation should be.

There is a lot of room for interpretation in how we carry out those instructions. The over-arching theme is that of assisting our husbands; under that umbrella, we have all sorts of freedom to do and be and grow and explore and work and play and produce and rest and develop and create.

Some of us, of course, ignore the freedom and focus on the umbrella. What's it doing there? Why can't I do without the umbrella? Well, sister, you can do without the umbrella. Step on out there and stand in that cold rain by yourself. As for me, I find I can sacrifice a little bit of the view in order to avoid getting the unforgiving lashes of the storm winds.

That's what umbrellas are for.

5-Minute Marriage Check

Let go of the need to prove you can do it all; that drive comes from the left-over message of feminism that has saturated our culture. You don't have to do more or be different to be exactly who God made you to be.

Are there things you would let go of if you knew you wouldn't be judged for it? Would you bow out of an activity, a sport, a class, an organization, a job?

Try this: pretend the only person whose opinion matters is your husband. What would your schedule look like if you were just trying to please him? (Okay, I know it might be “sex/cook/sex/cook....”).

How can you simplify your schedule so it is less about living up to other people's standards and more about helping your husband with the priorities he has set for your family?

More food and more sex might not be a bad thing...

5-Minute Action Point

I challenge you to do five things to shake off that leftover feminist agenda.

1. Ask your husband for advice about something that is “your area.” Don't make something up; bring a real problem, ask a question, and listen to his answer.
2. Act on the advice he gives you from #1.
3. Clear a night this week of any house work, computer stuff, activities, events, and the like. It's an at-home date night. Make your husband's favorite meal, hang out together, play a game with the kids or watch a movie. Relax. Don't try to control the agenda. Flow.
4. Ask your husband for one thing you can help him with this week.
5. Put that one thing from #4 on your calendar. Do it.

Learn to love your umbrella.

Image courtesy of wonderjunkie.

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This post is Day 9 of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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This post is a condensed version of these 2 articles: A Woman's Place and A Woman's Place, Pt 2.

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Day in, day out.
You wake up, you see him. You go to bed, you kiss him.
You pick up his socks. You make his dinner. You take care of his children.
You know his favorites, his jokes, his shirt size, his embarrassments, his dreams, how to fix his coffee.
You know him so well, in fact, that some days you don't notice him.

You walk by without a hug.
You leave the house without a kiss.
You end a phone call without an "I love you."
You have a conversation without smiling into his eyes.

Don't lose your boyfriend, your soul mate, your lover just because he is also your husband. Everything that you dreamed of, the way he made your heart race: it's all in there. What you crave in a companion is held in the heart of that man whose shirts you iron. Don't lose that love because the faithful day-by-day gets stale. You have to fight the mundane, fight the apathy, fight the lethargic rut you fall into.

5 Minute Action Point

Watch the video below, then think of a way you can make your husband smile like that by reminding him that he's not just your husband, or your old-faithful best friend: he's your breath-taking, heart-racing, one and only.

In a multitude of words, there wanteth not sin...

Honesty doesn't mean verbal vomit.

Honesty's good, right? And in our liberated time, we women should not only be honest, we should be just as loud in our honesty as any man. Right?

But what about what my Mama always said:

If you can't say anything nice... (you know the rest)

Don't say anything at all.

The more you talk, the more likely you are to say something stupid. It's just a simple statistical truth. The greater the whole, the greater your percentage of goofing up in it.

So we have a dilemma. Which is it? Be honest and tell your husband you hate the birthday gift, or be nice and keep quiet? Be honest and lambast him with how he's offended you over the last 10 days, or be sweet, overlook the offenses, and say nothing?

Isn't it dishonest to keep quiet and let him assume you love your plaid pajama kilt? Isn't it untruthful to hide your hurt feelings?

In a word: no. The habit of verbal vomit - spewing whatever nitpicks, nags, and nuances are uppermost in your mind - is a twisted, narcissistic way of communicating. It's not so much honesty as it is self-indulgence.

If you know that what you are about to say will be rude, unkind, discourteous, offensive, and/or hurtful, you have two (good) options: 1) Shut your mouth and keep it shut or 2) Find something else to say.

Sure, there are times you need to talk about difficult subjects. Honesty is important. Your feelings and preferences do matter. But piling one offense on top of another is not good communication. Choosing your words carefully and following Mama's advice is much better. Find a way to say what you need to say without offending, sarcasm, criticism...

If you can't say it nice, chances are it's better off unsaid.

5 Minute Action Point:

Go write down five wonderful, positive, encouraging things you can say to your husband. Read them over as many times as you can in five minutes (this helps you remember them). Next time you find yourself about to say something negative, discouraging, rude, sarcastic, or self-centered, make yourself say one of these positive statements instead.

Images courtesy of bluebetty.

I love romance, but I'm not a big fan of commercializing love. Joe and I have never made a big deal out of Valentine's Day, for example. (Oh, I missed it again this year? Silly me.) He's a rebel, and I'm a hippie. Or is he a hippie and I'm a rebel? I can't remember. Despite the rebel-hippie combination, we still like being romantic and having special times together. I guess it's just that our version of romance may differ a bit from other people's. But maybe our ideas will work for you? Is the rebel-hippie in you?

1. Sleeping bags on the roof.

A few snacks, something to drink. Cuddle, talk, watch the stars, discuss how you should really study astronomy and learn the constellations better, make Nostradamus-like predictions, go inside when you get cold and warm each other up.

2. Get lost in the woods.

Pack a picnic and take a hike together. Take a blanket, too.

3. See how little money you can eat on.

I find this whole activity entertaining, and it's actually resulted in some great meals. Forced creativity is sure to create sparks of one kind or another.

4. Have a grocery store picnic.

You can combine this with #3, above, or splurge. Pick up some fresh fruit, crackers and cheese, or your favorite deli choice. (Maybe hold off on those pepperoncinis.) A picnic doesn't have to be outside, by the way.

5. Have dinner on the floor in front of the fire.

Cook together. Make a great fire. Spread out a few blankets. Enjoy your meal. Relax. Play strip poker.

6. Buy each other silly underwear.

Then model...

7. Have a Dollar Store spending spree.

You each get $5 or $10 to buy each other's gifts: any kind of gifts, silly, sweet, romantic. Set a time limit and meet outside when you're through. Exchange gifts then or save them for later over your fireside dinner.

8. Climb trees.

I love climbing trees. If I weren't 8 months pregnant, I'd go climb one now just to prove it. It's good exercise, gets your blood pumping and your adrenalin flowing and whoever gets to the top first can throw acorns (or what-have-you) at the other.

9. Do some bookstore browsing.

Take your time. Read to each other. Browse magazines together.

10. Visit a random small town in the area.

There are some jewels around. You can find a great local restaurant, unique shopping, friendly people, or just a little local escape. Take a drive and enjoy the time together.

11. Watch documentaries.

I'm a nerd. I admit it. My husband is into computers, so I think that makes him a geek. (A cool geek, though; I mean, he skateboards. How can you skateboard and not be cool?) So we like documentaries. You could find a romantic one for Valentine's, maybe?

12. Cook for each other.

You do the main dish, he does the dessert, or some other combination. Don't rush. Have some snacky appetizers around so you can enjoy the process. And definitely don't criticize each other's cooking.

13. Bathe or shower together.

Do I really need to explain why this is romantic?

14. Take a bus trip.

Okay, public transportation may not be at the top of your 'Romantic Things To Do' list, but it could be! You get to sit close, whisper, watch the scenery... even if it is the highway. Try it.

15. Take a train trip.

I love the train. You can make it a day trip or an overnight trip, depending on your destination and time frame. You can be social and chat with other passengers, or be secluded and focus on each other. Take your own snacks, though. Train food, in my experience, is not so good.

16. Go to a museum.

Admire (or make fun of) the displays together. Critique or question. Pick out which one you'd hang in the living room.

17. Work together.

A shared project, a completed goal: that's romantic. Appreciate each other's work styles. Share strengths. Admit weaknesses. Feel accomplished together.

18. Do a house project together.

Anything can be romantic if you start being creative. Set a reward for completing the project.

19. Play with your kids together.

Nothing makes me feel as affectionate as seeing my husband in action as a great Daddy. Resist the urge to instruct your spouse in how to parent. Just relax and enjoy that his style might be a little different than yours. You might even learn something.

20. Have a his thing/her thing trade-off.

Okay, so we know that you don't share all the same interests. But you can learn and participate and perhaps even gain some kind of appreciation for why he's so obsessive about whatever-it-is. So he picks an activity and you pick one. Could be all in the same day or evening, or spread out over a couple of nights. The only rule: you have to be enthusiastic and try to learn all you can about the other person's interest during the activity.

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Image courtesy of erin MC hammer.

I see you when I look into our laughing children's faces
I sense you in the most familiar and most foreign places
A part of you has gone through me and settled in my heart
Without you I am half myself: unpainted piece of art.

Those once-upon-a-time romances never did come true
Till I stepped through the looking glass and woke up into you.
You scared me into life, you shook me out of the mundane.
The too familiar ruts I walked seem pitiful and plain.