SISTER WISDOM

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5 ways to help your kids be independent Comments Off

Filed under the kids
Written by Annie on 22nd Jul -11

JJ Following The Girls To School free creative commons
Creative Commons License photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography

1. Let them give it a good try.

That doesn’t mean don’t help, it just means give them a chance, let them try. Even let them flounder a bit. They don’t know how much they are capable of (neither do you). You have to give them room to stretch and be a bit awkward and make a few messes and get a little frustrated, even. That’s how they learn and gain new skills. Sure, teach them, walk them through processes, help them, encourage them. But don’t forget to give them room to try. You’ll be surprised at how much they can do. And once you know they can do it…

2. Don’t do anything for them that they can do themselves.

Why belittle the new skill they have just gained? Unless there’s a real need (e.g. house fire, potty emergency, we have to leave in five minutes or the world will end), let them exercise those skills and do for themselves. It will help them get better at the skills (which means faster) and will save you the trouble of doing everything for everybody.

3. Spend time listening, talking, teaching, playing with them, letting them work with you and be with you, NOT entertaining them.

You’re the Mom, not the birthday clown. They don’t need more entertainment; they need the most important people in their lives to treat them like real people, like important people. They need you to share your time, your knowledge, your respect, your sense of humor, your skills, your love. They need a real relationship, not a side show.

You don’t have sing silly songs or talk in a demented puppet voice or do hand motions or make funny faces to show your kids that you love them. (In fact, please don’t do those things except on special occasions.) Just be a real person and let them be a real part of your life. Entertaining themselves is their own responsibility.

4. Teach them to “be their own boss.”

Your job as Mom is to raise up your kids so they can take over the job of being their own boss. You are in the business of teaching them responsibility and independence. Give them principles to live by, help them develop good habits and skills, and then let them take off on their own. Remind them that they are learning to “be their own boss” but until they show that they’re capable of it, you’re the boss. (This also implies that they’re not anyone else’s boss, so they don’t need to run around telling people what to do.)

5. Teach them that respect is the basis of how we behave toward others.

Manners aren’t just a bunch of silly rules somebody made up. There’s a point to the rules: we show respect for others by how we behave around them and toward them. Teach your kids that they don’t need to just talk/do/go thoughtlessly; they need to be aware of the people around them. Teach them to notice and respect the needs and preferences of other people (starting with their own siblings).

Learning to listen, to wait, to be still, to entertain themselves, to not interrupt, to say please and thank you, to clean up their own messes, etc., is all part of showing respect (which is really showing love). This principle gives them a way to make good decisions about how to behave when there isn’t a particular rule, or when you’re not around to give them directions.

10 Habits That Will Make Your Life Better Comments Off

Filed under self
Written by Annie on 15th Aug -10

Have you dropped any of those 10 bad habits yet? You should do that… and then reach ahead….
Bobbie B&W

1. Learn and practice the art of listening.

It’s a guaranteed help for your marriage, and it’s a great thing to practice in every conversation with every person you encounter. When was the last time you really listened to your kids? Or your Mom? Or that neighbor who always drops in?

2. Start having unplugged time.

Designate a day out of the week or a few hours at night when all computers and cell phones are off and you are simply alive in the world, together. We need – desperately – more time away from constant consumption, information, and digital interaction. We need more time to digest. We need time to breathe. We need time to process. We need time for things to come to the surface. We need less distraction and more depth.

3. Find a role model or an ideal and use that as your basis of comparison.

Role models give us a tangible ideal of life as it could be. Sometimes it’s too difficult to just stop comparing. So find someone worth comparing to. If you can’t find anyone, sit down and write out your ideal life, vision, world, self, future. Tack it up on the wall.
You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. -Michael Jordan

4. Start expanding your frame of reference.

  • Travel. Get out of town, out of state, out of the country. Don’t critique. You’re not there to compare and identify all the ways these people do things differently. Go to learn. Go to see new things. Go to get a bigger picture of the world.
  • Volunteer. Offer your help at a charity or mission or at your church. Get around people and groups that aren’t in your normal orbit. Listen, be courteous, treat everyone with respect. Pay attention. Get the stories.
  • Read. Read widely, read often, read well. Feed on books. They nourish your mind and your soul. They expand your world. And they’re cheaper than a plane ticket.
  • Meet people. Everywhere you go, notice the people around you. Be ready with a smile, a handshake, an introduction. Don’t be shy. Reach out. Make conversation. Invite people into your life.
  • Get into other cultures. Learn a new cuisine, watch foreign films, go to the Middle East Market, practice Spanish with a friend from Mexico or Guatemala, ask questions, soak it up.

Jump

5. Start taking responsibility.

Listen: there are always extenuating circumstances. Nothing is never perfect. This is life on earth. Stop making excuses, start taking responsibility. There is a power and freedom in taking responsibility. You will find yourself stronger, better able to cope, less emotionally driven, less offended, less hurt, less angry, and, definitely, less victimized.

6. Start using my Mom’s rule: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

This is the complete and definite opposite of being snarky. This rule will not make you popular in trendy circles. This rule will probably make you the butt of jokes in those same trendy circles. Who cares?

7. Cultivate a real sense of humor.

Laugh at yourself. Laugh at the silly things in life. Laugh when plans change. Laugh at the absurdity of little humans trying to run the world.
A sense of humor judges one’s actions and the actions of others from a wider reference… It pardons shortcomings; it consoles failure. It recommends moderation. -Thornton Wilder

8. Get more iron in your life.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) Seek out people who will tell you the truth and challenge you to be the best version of yourself. Steer away from those who accept mediocrity in their lives. Cut back on relationships that drag you down. If every conversation you have with a friend is gossiping, complaining, or comparing, you are wasting your time and hers. If you are not influencing for the better, you are being influenced. Find people who will influence you toward good.

9. Start assuming the best about yourself, about life, and about every single person you meet.

Assume that they’re all interesting, worthwhile, valid, exceptional people with burning purpose and a passion to help and a willingness to serve and something of value to offer. Assume the same about yourself. Assume that every single thing you do makes an impact. Soon it will be true.

10. Start the daily habit of proactive generosity.

Look for ways to give. Offer your help, your expertise, your money, your wisdom, your wit, your time, your home, your hospitality, your food, your insight, your experience, your humility, your hands, your cleaning supplies. Offer what you have. Look for a need you can meet every single day. Meet it. Make it a habit. Make generosity a foundational principle in your life.
Provision for others ia fundamental responsibility of human life. -Woodrow Wilson

What To Do When Your Life Isn’t Working (Part 2) Comments Off

Filed under the home
Written by Annie on 31st Dec -08

(You might want to read Part 1 of this series if you haven’t already.)

Knowing Why Tells You How to Fix It

TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³'s on Flickr.

TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³

If you’ve gone through your worksheet, you have a list of where you’re stuck and, I hope, a few reasons why. Don’t skip out on why. Why tells you the cause of the problem, and the cause is what you need to address. The problem itself is a symptom of the cause, just like a fever is not the real problem but a symptom of an underlying illness.

Once you know the problem and the cause, you can determine how much it matters.

Example: Getting Both Kids on Same Nap Schedule

Having my two young children on the same napping schedule is extremely important to me. It may not seem like a big deal, but because of the effect it has on the rest of my life, it is. I am a professional writer as well as a Mom; those two or three hours in the afternoon when all is peaceful and quiet not only gives me a complete mental break from answering Mommy questions, it also gives me a chance to focus on my professional work. I can do a lot of the less intense work while the kids are awake or after they go to bed; but I need those hours during the day, when I am alert and energetic, to focus on the more difficult writing projects I have.

Key: Evaluate each problem you want to deal with in terms of how it affects your whole life. Does itmatter? Does it matter now? Does it matter now enough to change something in order to make it work?

How Much It Matters

For those dead leaf items, the only change needed is a good chop of the pruning shears. My pastor spoke about new beginnings last Sunday. He said that there are some things worth holding on to, but other things that it is necessary to let go:

  • Let go of emotional and psychological ties to the past. Don’t try to figure it out; just let it go.
  • Let go of fantasies. (They usually begin with, “If only…”). They’re childish, and they lock you in a world of expectations that will never materialize. Embrace reality instead, and learn to appreciate the shades of real life and its experiences.
  • Cut off unhealthy relationships. Don’t let your time and energy and soul be wasted on people who are continually negative, draining, and victimized. Move on.

I added my own thoughts:

  • Drop what doesn’t matter. It may have mattered before; it may matter in the future; but if it doesn’t matter today, if nothing important is effected by it, then drop it.
  • Break bad habits. They hold you down in a rut, they make you less than who you can be, and they are sorry excuses for not fulfilling your dreams. Bad habits are energy suckers, time wasters, causes of procrastination and discouragement and failure.

What Needs to Change

For the items that do matter, determine what behavior or specific action or lack thereof is creating the cause of the problem.

Example: End-of-Day Time with My Husband

Problem: No regular talk time with Joe at the end of the day; we’re often interrupted by kids, friends, neighbors, phone calls, or we jump right into getting projects finished, and by the end of the night we’re just too tired to have a decent conversation.

Cause: Interruptions, and the fact that we give in to them; not having a specific time/place to catch up for a few minutes before we move on to the next thing; not having the kids used to playing by themselves for a few minutes after Daddy gets home; being in the middle of dinner prep, so I don’t stop to talk and then Joe gets busy with his next thing, so then he doesn’t stop to talk and so we go.

Change: Need to establish a basic routine we agree on, ie., we stop and talk for fifteen minutes as soon as he gets home; once we have that in place, we can choose to deal with interruptions by saying, “I’ll get back to you in twenty minutes,” and not answering our phones; the kids can learn to play in their room while we talk; I can make sure that dinner prep is finished or can be put on hold for that time if I’m planning for it.

Key: Work backwards from the cause of the problem to determine the solution to the problem.

Who Can Change It

There are only two possible answers to this question: YOU or someone else.

If the answer is someone else, forget changing the other person. It’s a futile, exasperating effort with very little chance of success. If you do succeed, you create resentment (in the other person) and obligation (in yourself) to continue “overseeing” the change you caused to happen.

When the only person who can change the cause of a problem is someone else, there are two things you can do.

  • First, you can just drop the whole thing. Accept that it is what it is, focus your attention on something you can change, and move on.
  • Second, you can choose to change your reaction to the other person’s behavior, so that the result of the behavior is different and/or no longer causes the same problem.

Example: Dealing with a high-maintenance friend.

You’re busy. Your friend gets mad if you don’t have a two-hour-long phone conversation every week. If you forget to return her call, or don’t have time to talk for more than ten minutes, she gets in a huff and you end up apologizing sometime in the next day or two. The scenario repeats regularly. You can’t get her to change (don’t even try), but you can change.

Decide how much the friendship is worth. Is it worth a two-hour per week investment, or is it time to drop it and move on? It might be a relief for her, too. If the friendship is worth saving, either schedule in the time to have the conversation, thus eliminating the conflict, or figure out how you’re going to change your behavior the next time the issue surfaces.

Be proactive. Give her a call and say, “Listen, I am running a tight ship this week and won’t have time to talk; but can I give you a call next Monday so we can have a nice long conversation and catch up?” Don’t give her the chance to get made. You’ve taken control without losing the friendship.

Alternately, change your number…

When You Are the Solution

Thou shalt not be a victim. Thou shalt not be a perpetrator. Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.
– Holocaust Museum, Washington, DC

Really, you always are. When you figure out how your behavior relates to the cause, you figure out what you can change in yourself. Maybe it’s simply your expectations of how someone else should behave. Maybe it’s just a stupid habit you haven’t been aware of. Maybe it’s needing to plan a little more, or say Yes a little less.

The key is realizing that you are the one with the power to change your life. You are the one who decides to be happy. You are the one who can change.

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure…than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.
– Theodore Roosevelt

Image Courtesy of TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³’s on Flickr.

Principles of Personal Growth: Creator not Victim 1

Filed under self
Written by Annie on 11th Jun -08

The Basics

  1. It’s about character, not personality.
  2. You’re a responsible creator, not an (un)empowered victim.
  3. Your choices today determine your life tomorrow.
  4. There is justice in the world.
  5. Hard work isn’t just a fad.

Create or Be Created

<2> You are a responsible creator, not an (un)empowered victim.

My friend Mr. Webster says this about empowerment: to empower means “to give legal or moral power or authority to; continue reading…

Attack of the Shopping Cart Comments Off

Filed under sister who?
Written by Annie on 2nd May -08

I have a little story I’m not proud of.

I went to Borders the other day. As I am stepping inside the door, pausing by the BARGAIN BOOKS, I see a shopping car, unmanned, rolling down the sidewalk. It is a really windy day. I think, I should go get it and put it away. Then it stops. I’m already inside the door. Another person is walking up. I think, She’ll take care of it. She doesn’t, but I’ve mentally transferred the responsibility now. I move on.

Two hours later, I’m sitting by the window and I see a cop talking with a middle-aged couple beside their minivan. I wonder what’s going on. There’s nothing wrong with their van, that I can see.

Then I hear a couple of employees talking behind the cafe counter. A violent shopping car (unmanned) attacked this couple’s van. They called the police, who really are powerless to press charges against the cart or the wind that pushed it, the store that owns it, the customer who used it, or the bystander who didn’t put it away. Me.

I see a little dent in the back of their van as they pull away. I feel like I should apologize to everyone, most especially the shopping cart.

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