SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

The Universal Questions

Who am I? What is my purpose? Why don't I feel satisfied? Is there more to life? Finding your place in the universe is a large task, but it is what we're all after in one way or another. We're either on the hunt, or wish we could be, or have been and have given up, or think maybe we have found something special, finally, but we're unsure and afraid. Some of us, very few of us, walk confidently through each day with the assurance that they are being who they are meant to be, doing the best that they can do, and using the moments as wisely as possible.

How Do You Fit in Now?

You feel misunderstood, unappreciated, insecure, sometimes alienated from the people you are closest to. You are constantly seeking but never achieving the standard you have set for yourself, overwhelmed by the tragedy in the world, and disappointed by your own failures and the failure of others.

You feel restless, bored with life, never taken seriously. You see your good ideas go to waste and are frustrated by the unwillingness of others to take a chance and have some fun. You are handicapped by your own disorganization, full of great visions but too overwhelmed by the process to ever get to the end result.

You feel impatient, demanding, and hate the unproductivity in life that you can't fix. You end up alone because you don't know how to connect with others. You are aggravated by the weakness and stupidity all around you, and though you see clearly how to correct wrongs you are frustrated because you simply cannot fix them all.

You feel apathetic, worried, indifferent to what others enthuse over, and fearful because you're so indifferent. You are unsure why other people can't just relax and get along, but you are full of unexpressed frustrations and secretly wish you could be bolder and more confrontational. You hesitate, go blank in key moments, and then regret the missed opportunities.

The Common Thread of Dissatisfaction

Which paragraph describes you? Maybe one in particular, or all of them, or a combination jumped out and you nodded to yourself as you read. The common thread of all the descriptions is this: dissatisfaction with yourself and your own part of the universe. You don't want to feel misunderstood, or bored, or unproductive, or fearful. You never intended to alienate yourself, or miss so many opportunities, or leave so many things undone, or let so many good ideas just die. But every day you see those negative moments repeated in your life and you haven't found a way to change that.

"The first step is admitting you have a problem," as we learn from Alcoholics Anonymous. Admitting dissatisfaction is the first step toward eliminating it. In yourself, the inner workings of who you are, and in your life, all those outward activities that compose your days, dissatisfaction is not really a negative thing at all; rather, it implies two very important concepts.

You and Your Life Are Worth Improving

Dissatisfaction with yourself and your life implies, first, that you and your life have a value beyond what is being given to them today from your current attitudes and habits. For example, you are dissatisfied with your relationship with your spouse. You feel like your spouse Read the rest of this entry »

Goals without purpose become meaningless exercises and doom you to frustration. I can set a goals in the best way with specific definitions and deadlines and hints and helps and accountability and triggers and I can still fail. Goals need to mean something because goals require change and it is our default as lazy, fearful people to resist change.

Not to get you down, but...
We need to admit that we are lazy and we are fearful. Most of what we want to accomplish in life is possible for us. Money is there to be made. Time is ours to use as we will. Relationships become what we put into them. People treat us as we allow them to. The responsibility rests on us. My life is my own and if I let you control is, it is my fault. Shame on you, certainly, for seeking to control, but a greater shame on me for victimizing myself.

Your Purpose Becomes Your Responsibility
Responsibility is part of purpose. Finding out your purpose creates an obligation upon you to fulfill that purpose. If you have value beyond today, if significance and satisfaction are possible, if you have a purpose beyond existing, then you alone are responsible for living up to that value, living in such a way as to be significant and create satisfaction by achieving your purpose. None of these things are impossible, but they require thought, commitment, effort, and diligence.

Striving for Your Purpose
If I fail to achieve my purpose, it is either because I was too afraid to find out what it was or because, upon finding out, I was too lazy to strive for it. To strive means to "endeavor with earnestness, to labor hard" and "to contend, to struggle in opposition to another." Achieving your purpose means that you must not only work for something noble and big and beyond today, but you must work against your fears, your laziness, your old habits of mediocrity, and all the voices in your society and your past that point you in an easier direction.

Refuse to Waste Your Life
It may sound like I'm taking this all a little too seriously, but wasting a life is a serious thing. That life came from somewhere and is meant to do something. I believe God gave it to you. Whether you believe the White Dolphin of the Lost Sea gave it to you or your parents were just a little thoughtless with contraceptives, you still wake up every morning with a day to fill. You can settle for meaningless mediocrity, but you don't really want to. If you do, it is only because laziness and fear have taken over and you have settled into victimization again.

Do better than be a victim for the rest of your life. Start taking control of your mind and emotions and body, one step at a time. Ignore that voice that says, "Forget this, it's a waste of time." Ignore that small, offended feeling at being called lazy and fearful. Ignore that urge to go get something to eat and settle in front of the tv. You were meant to be alive, not be a victim. Start finding your purpose.

How to Find Your Purpose

Finding your purpose is a personal exercise, and no chart or graph or checklist will really do it for you. Writing helps me, but that's because I'm a writer. I get a piece of paper and start writing down the things that matter to me. From those, there are a few that really stand out, or that are repeated (different terms or phrases, same idea). Read How to Discover Your Life Purpose in About 20 Minutes by Steve Pavlina. Ask your friends and family what they think you are good at. This doesn't mean that is your purpose, but it gives you a starting point if you find yourself totally stuck. What do you love? What gets you enthusiastic? What could you do and never get tired of doing? What is your idea of the perfect job? How do you wish you could change the world? What would you attempt if you had unlimited resources? What would you try if you knew you could not fail?

Answer those questions honestly, and try to find the common theme. Boil it down to something clear and quick and to the core. Then hold on to it and start thinking about how that purpose translates into the life you are living now.

Self-help programs often focus on purpose, what it is, how to find your own. What isn't always said is why you need to spend time thinking about something as basic as your purpose in life.

Getting Beyond Basic

First, purpose isn't so basic. Existence is basic; survival is basic. We survive - so that we can continue to exist - largely through instinct, which is also pretty basic. On those three points, we are no different than any other species on earth, which also live by their instincts in order to survive that they (and their kind) might continue existing. Of all the species, however, we are the only one writing poetry, building skyscrapers, reading books, and engaging in all sorts of other activities that are extraneous to mere existence. Existence requires no cappuccinos, no cigarettes, no movies or tattoos or sports or orchestras. The homo sapiens prefer to do more than exist.

Seeking a Greater Purpose
Humans, in general, seek purpose beyond survival. We want to know that we mean something, that we are significant, that we have value, that we contribute something to the universe. The fact that we seek a greater purpose indicates to me that we do have one. The animal and plant worlds exist happily without questioning their purpose; dolphins chatter, birds sing, monkeys play, lions stretch and roar, cats pounce, dogs wag their tails in perfect contentment to simply be. Humans with no purpose grumble, whine, get lazy, get depressed, get into drugs and bad relationships and destructive behavior, give up, kill themselves.

Identifying Purpose Brings Satisfaction

Dissatisfaction with life as it is indicates both the value of life and the possibility for satisfaction with it. Identifying your particular purpose for life is necessary to reaching satisfaction. You cannot meaningfully improve something if you do not know why you are seeking to improve it. Neither will you reach any goals if you set them arbitrarily. You can only muster up so much motivation to push yourself toward something that isn't really significant for you. The process of improving your life can continue steadily only when you can set goals as they relate to your purpose. Goal-setting for the sake of goal-setting is a weary way to go.

Finding Your Particular Purpose
Finding your purpose is where most of us get stuck. We nod and agree that purpose is important. We recognize the desire we have for purpose. Then we pull out a piece of paper to define "my purpose in life" and either write down a trite phrase that really doesn't mean anything or stare helplessly, feeling as blank as the paper.

Perhaps you already have a clear idea of your purpose. If so, you're set to continue. If not, just make it simple: adopt as your purpose the goal of finding your purpose. A bit circular, yes, but it will be enough to keep you going for the next few steps.

Challenge Update: Late to bed, not early to rise. I got up and started my coffee, then made the mistake of laying down for "just a few more minutes" while it brewed.

Not a good idea.

What is so difficult about consistency in getting up early? Let's look at the factors.

Physical Factors

• Physical Weariness/Fatigue: Fatigue is caused by more than just how much sleep you get; unfortunately, most of us always attribute weariness to lack of sleep without considering other causes. Psychologically, then, if you experience lots of fatigue during the day, you're much less likely to want to get up when the alarm goes off. The rationalization goes like this: I was so tired yesterday. I'm not productive when I'm that tired. I hate being tired. If I sleep in just a little longer, I won't be so tired today. Sometimes, lack of sleep is the problem, but this should be addressed by adjusting your bedtime, not by hitting snooze five times in the morning. That "extra" sleep usually isn't sufficient for another REM cycle anyway and won't make you feel any more rested.
• Diet, Nutrition, and Exercise: Lots of processed food, lots of sugar, refined flours, fast food, greasy food, and too much caffeine give your body lots of hard work and can cause you to feel sluggish, unenergized, and unmotivated. Regular exercise, even if only for fifteen or twenty minutes a day, will boost energy.
• Amount of Sleep Needed: We all have this "eight hours of sleep" programmed into our brains from childhood. However, eight hours is not always an accurate estimate of how much sleep you need. People are different, and people's needs change during the course of life. An article from WebMD points out that eight hours is an average gained from a classic sleep study, and that there are long sleepers (those who need nine or more hours) and short sleepers (those who need five to six hours).

• Sickness and Special Physical Conditions: When you're sick, your body needs more rest because it is working harder than normal to fight off infection. Listen, and go to bed earlier, take naps, turn off your alarm, and do what you need to do in order to get extra rest. Special physical conditions such as pregnancy also create a need for additional sleep; the body is working hard to provide for a new little life. Naps and earlier bedtimes help a lot.

Mental and Emotional Factors

• Continual Stress: Situations that create anxiety, especially when the situation is ongoing, can cause debilitating weariness. Stress comes from work situations, loss of job, family crisis, relationship problems, financial problems or even things not tagged as problems: moving, changing careers, remodeling, major holidays, adoption, pregnancy, etc. Any situation that brings change, good or bad, also brings stress. Your emotional defense to this stress can be the "find a cave and hide" reaction, and it sends a strong message via physical weariness. This kind of reaction is especially common if you, like me, are a person who avoids conflict.
• Lack of Vision: Having no purpose, no vision for the day or week or month or year or life, or having a purpose but no plan for implementation will make it difficult to get yourself moving in the morning. If you have no reason, no goal that you are seeking to accomplish, no drive, then you have no motivation. You have no reason to get moving, and you also probably have depression because of a lack of defined purpose.
• Intimidating Project: Perhaps you have purpose, and a plan, but you also have a challenge waiting for you at work or at home. It could be a project you enjoy but that takes a long time and doesn't show much progress. It could be a challenge that you don't feel adequate to tackle. The knowledge that something big, overwhelming, and discouraging waits for you makes staying in bed much more appealing.

Environmental Factors

• Clutter: A messy room, home, and work environment sends strong messages that you can't really ignore. Clutter makes you feel out of control even if you aren't. It makes you take serious things less seriously; if your home or office isn't important enough to keep neat and clean, then how important are the activities that take place within it? Waking up to a messy room tells you that you are already starting out behind.
• Lack of Light: A room with no windows or very heavy drapes that allow no sunlight creates a perpetual night. Light is the natural wake-up call. If you don't have any in your room, you are sabotaging your own efforts.
• Weather: Hibernation instincts kick in during winter, especially on those gray days. Dark, rainy days anytime of year tend to make the bed feel much more comfortable.
• Family Habits: If your night-owl husband keeps you up too late and then sleeps peacefully through the alarm, it's going to be much more difficult for you to bound out of bed and start your day. If you have children and no morning or evening routines, you're creating even more difficulty.
• Social Obligations: Staying out too late with friends, not to mention the unpleasant effects of too much alcohol, work against your getting up early efforts.
• Bad Alarm Clock Set-Up: You need an alarm clock you can hear and cannot ignore (it should be very annoying); you need to put it close enough to wake you up but too far away to turn off without getting out of bed. If you can sleep through your alarm or hit the snooze button without lifting your head, you will still be in bed an hour after it rings.

Help Yourself

Don't be a slave to habits that work against your efforts. Change a few things (the ones that made you nod and say, Oooh, that's my problem) and renew your efforts to get up early.

• Drink lots of water during the day. Keep a bottle handy and refill it every time you empty it. Make yourself drink a glass of water before you have a soda or a coffee or a snack.
• Drink no caffeine after noon. Caffeine's effects can hit you much later than you think. Too much caffeine isn't good for you anyway, so get what you want in the morning and drink decaf after lunch. Better yet, drink water after lunch!
• Cut out fast food. If it's a habit, then let yourself have fast food once a week, maybe for a treat on Saturday or something. Otherwise, don't eat it.
• Cut out processed food for snacks. Eat fresh fruit and vegetables instead.
• Add a salad to your daily lunch or dinner, or to both. Eat your salad first.
• Get some exercise. Fifteen or twenty minutes is great. Start somewhere. Walk in the park. Get some exercise videos. Walk in the mall. Get some hand weights or an aerobic band. Dance.
• Don't worry about a bedtime; go to sleep when you're sleepy.
• Don't talk about or deal with stressful matters at night. Turn off the phone ringer if you have to. Do things that are calming, repetitive, and relaxing. Don't watch movies that are disturbing.
• Keep a notebook and pen handy at night. If you think of something to do, someone to call, whatever, write it down. That way your brain won't feel like it has to remember and you can continue to relax.
• Use a planner and make a plan. Jot down your morning get-up time in your planner, and a short to-do list for the next day. Leave it out on the kitchen table or by the coffee maker so you see it first thing in the morning.
• Find your purpose.
• Get help with your challenging projects. Have a friend come over to help you paint or cook pies or whatever. Schedule a meeting to work on a project together. Make a date with your spouse to do taxes. Don't tackle this stuff alone.
• Balance your day with long-progress projects and immediate- gratification items. Do something every day that allows you to see immediate results.
• Clean up your bedroom, including the closet. Take everything out of your room except what you need for dressing, sleeping, and sex. If you must, keep a couple of books by your bed; but don't bring in a whole library and definitely don't bring in work papers.
• Simplify your decor. Soft, muted colors are relaxing.
• Plan a special "reward" for yourself on nasty-weather days. Buy yourself a latte or have a cinnamon roll or rent a movie on the way home as a reward for getting yourself out of bed on those icky, rainy days. But you don't get the reward if you didn't get up on time!
• Tell your spouse you need help. If you're dealing with a night-owl spouse, just let him know that you're going to go to bed a little earlier than he does. Then when you get sleepy, go to bed. It's okay. He'll still love you.
• Set up routines for your children. Morning and evening. Nights will go smoother, they'll get to bed on time, you can relax and get a good night's sleep. Mornings will be easier and hassle-free and you won't have to dread them anymore.
• Limit your social obligations. If you know it's going to be later than you want to be, just say no. Save it for the weekend. Stay home more. Play with your kids. Talk to your husband. Knit something. Call your aunt in Nebraska. Write a letter to your sister (she'll be amazed). Watch a good movie. Be a homebody during the week. It's okay to slow your life down.
• Open the curtains, or get new ones. Let in some morning light.
• Get a good alarm clock, and set it up where you can see it but not touch it from your bed.
• Set up your coffee maker at night. When your alarm goes off, get up, turn it off, flip on your coffee maker, and don't even think about going back to bed while it brews!