SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

Ready? Let's go.

Step 1: Ask a New Question

All those books out there talking about how to improve your life, meet your goals, and be your best self seem to have one thing in common (okay, really, more than one thing but that's not the point here): they all direct you to spend some time thinking about what you really want out of life. You're supposed to list goals and dreams and passions, find out what your purpose is, discover your calling, the thing that makes you tick.

I have a different proposal.

Quit asking, "What do I want?" and start asking, "What do I have?"
What's right in front of you? Gazing at the horizon for opportunities? Try looking a little closer to home.
Wisdom is before him that hath understanding; but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth. Proverbs 17:24

Step 2: Change One Thing

Quick quiz: what's the one way not to change anything? Answer: try to change everything. Lots of people have great intentions and great ideas, but they spread themselves so thin that they can't actually accomplish or change anything.

The few who do change are those who focus deliberately on success in one area at a time. Find one thing you need to change in your life and focus on that one single thing.

Step 3: Work in 3D

The 3 qualities that will make you outstanding in whatever you attempt? Simple. Easy. Anyone could be this way.

• Be diligent.
• Work daily.
• Fight off distraction.

That's it. Really.

Step 4: Start Listening

Empathy is the ability to feel what other people are feeling. You want to be a good wife, a good mom, a good sister, daughter, friend, neighbor, church member. The problem is that all too often we get the needs, demands, requests of others through the filter of our own priorities and emotions. Instead of hearing the actual need, we hear our interpretation, so we then offer the right solution for that interpretation.

Example: Husband is frustrated at work. We think, "Oh, he's just stressed from that fight he had with his boss, he's not letting it out." We offer: "Honey, you want to talk about....?" How often do we miss the real problem because we are busy offering a solution for our interpretation of the problem?

Be different. Be beyond status quo. Start listening to what people say and what they mean. Focus on their words, their emotions, the heart coming through. Open your eyes and ears. You will see the real problem and, God willing, you will be able to offer real help.

Step 5: Beat the Slog

Many, many people have great ideas. Sincere hearts. Motivation. Inspiration. Grand intentions. Good plans.

They even get off to a good start.
They stay consistent with their kids for 1, 2, 3 days at a time.
They quit arguing with their husbands for a week. Maybe even two.
They do great and then... they hit the slog.

First there's the rush. It's fueled by enthusiasm and emotion. You've worked yourself up into an energetic state about something, you're motivated, and you take off running. Then, things don't quite work out. It takes longer. You get tired. You question your motives. You question your plan. You feel like you are wading knee-deep in mud. You are in the slog.

If you keep going through the slog, you will be ahead of 99.9% of the people out there. The slog is where we separate "the ones who really mean it" from "the ones who don't really care." You mean it. I know you do. It's in your heart. You care. Press on, one slow, gloppy step after another. You will get through the slog and you will find yourself further along than you anticipated.

Sharing what you have is more important than what you have. - Albert M Wells Jr.

Have you dropped any of those 10 bad habits yet? You should do that... and then reach ahead....

1. Learn and practice the art of listening.

It's a guaranteed help for your marriage, and it's a great thing to practice in every conversation with every person you encounter. When was the last time you really listened to your kids? Or your Mom? Or that neighbor who always drops in?

2. Start having unplugged time.

Designate a day out of the week or a few hours at night when all computers and cell phones are off and you are simply alive in the world, together. We need - desperately - more time away from constant consumption, information, and digital interaction. We need more time to digest. We need time to breathe. We need time to process. We need time for things to come to the surface. We need less distraction and more depth.

3. Find a role model or an ideal and use that as your basis of comparison.

Role models give us a tangible ideal of life as it could be. Sometimes it's too difficult to just stop comparing. So find someone worth comparing to. If you can't find anyone, sit down and write out your ideal life, vision, world, self, future. Tack it up on the wall.
You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. -Michael Jordan

4. Start expanding your frame of reference.

• Travel. Get out of town, out of state, out of the country. Don't critique. You're not there to compare and identify all the ways these people do things differently. Go to learn. Go to see new things. Go to get a bigger picture of the world.
• Volunteer. Offer your help at a charity or mission or at your church. Get around people and groups that aren't in your normal orbit. Listen, be courteous, treat everyone with respect. Pay attention. Get the stories.
• Read. Read widely, read often, read well. Feed on books. They nourish your mind and your soul. They expand your world. And they're cheaper than a plane ticket.
• Meet people. Everywhere you go, notice the people around you. Be ready with a smile, a handshake, an introduction. Don't be shy. Reach out. Make conversation. Invite people into your life.
• Get into other cultures. Learn a new cuisine, watch foreign films, go to the Middle East Market, practice Spanish with a friend from Mexico or Guatemala, ask questions, soak it up.

5. Start taking responsibility.

Listen: there are always extenuating circumstances. Nothing is never perfect. This is life on earth. Stop making excuses, start taking responsibility. There is a power and freedom in taking responsibility. You will find yourself stronger, better able to cope, less emotionally driven, less offended, less hurt, less angry, and, definitely, less victimized.

6. Start using my Mom's rule: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

This is the complete and definite opposite of being snarky. This rule will not make you popular in trendy circles. This rule will probably make you the butt of jokes in those same trendy circles. Who cares?

7. Cultivate a real sense of humor.

Laugh at yourself. Laugh at the silly things in life. Laugh when plans change. Laugh at the absurdity of little humans trying to run the world.
A sense of humor judges one's actions and the actions of others from a wider reference... It pardons shortcomings; it consoles failure. It recommends moderation. -Thornton Wilder

8. Get more iron in your life.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) Seek out people who will tell you the truth and challenge you to be the best version of yourself. Steer away from those who accept mediocrity in their lives. Cut back on relationships that drag you down. If every conversation you have with a friend is gossiping, complaining, or comparing, you are wasting your time and hers. If you are not influencing for the better, you are being influenced. Find people who will influence you toward good.

9. Start assuming the best about yourself, about life, and about every single person you meet.

Assume that they're all interesting, worthwhile, valid, exceptional people with burning purpose and a passion to help and a willingness to serve and something of value to offer. Assume the same about yourself. Assume that every single thing you do makes an impact. Soon it will be true.

10. Start the daily habit of proactive generosity.

Look for ways to give. Offer your help, your expertise, your money, your wisdom, your wit, your time, your home, your hospitality, your food, your insight, your experience, your humility, your hands, your cleaning supplies. Offer what you have. Look for a need you can meet every single day. Meet it. Make it a habit. Make generosity a foundational principle in your life.
Provision for others ia fundamental responsibility of human life. -Woodrow Wilson

I want to be an individual, just like all my friends!

1. You assume everything is going to be okay.

Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; for riches do not endure forever and a crown is not secure for all generations. Proverbs 27:23-24

"We don't acknowledge the truth that things aren't always going to be okay. Instead, we drift along with this mentality of inevitable triumph, regardless of the signs telling us otherwise. And we reinforce this (false) idea in each other."

And what happens when we simply parrot the same false sense of security back and forth to each other?

• We put our trust in things that aren't trustworthy.
• We feel victimized when bad things happen.
• We don't change the things we could change because we've forgotten about personal responsibility.

Acknowledging that everything is not going to be okay doesn't mean preaching doom and gloom. It means staring reality straight in the face, understanding that life is tough, and then finding true riches, peace, and freedom in spite of the bad things.

2. You put comfort and convenience over true value.

“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.” -C.S. Lewis

We're all mostly confused about what's really valuable. We tend to strain after things that don't matter - new playstation, more food, better car, bigger house, bigger paycheck, latest phone - because they add comfort and convenience to our life. And we like to be comfortable. Mmmm, it feels good. Comfort's not bad, at all. I am thankful for indoor plumbing, air conditioning, and my favorite pair of jeans. But comfort is not a measure of true value.

Neither is convenience. But how many decisions do we make based on proximity ("I'll date him because he's always around.") or ease ("I'll take this job because I know I can do it.") rather than actual worth? I suggest we all pull out our old Gold's Gym t-shirts and bring the "No Pain, No Gain" motto back to life. Some good things come easy. Some worthwhile things are comfortable. But the comfort and convenience are bonus points; if you measure value by those factors, you'll end up with a cheap, useless, unsatisfying life.

3. You replace creating with accumulating.

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly; 'tis dearness only that gives everything its value." -Thomas Paine

An industry that simply didn't exist say, oh, 50 years ago is this one, which includes clutter management, time management, professional organization consultations, and a myriad of supporting products.

In a free market economy like the one we have, [please no economic tirades, I'm simply generalizing] supply and demand determine success or failure. If there were no demand for the services of decluttering professionals, there would be a teensy supply of them. But there are lots. On the other hand, when was the last time you saw a shoe repair shop? There are still a few around. But not many.

Consider this (obvious) correlation: as our need to find repair services for quality products goes down, our need to find professional decluttering help goes up. Why? We buy more disposable products, they break, and we can't use them anymore. So we buy a new disposable product but, too often, we don't get rid of the old, broken one. We simply keep accumulating.

We don't make, we shop. We don't use, we hoard. We don't create, we accumulate. It's an expensive inversion of our natural desire to have what we need. Instead of the excess of accumulation, though, we need to disconnect from the shopping culture enough to quit accumulating so much culture. Then we'll know what we have, so we can use it when we need it and get rid of it if we don't.

4. You let others define your values.

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. -Thomas Jefferson

A value is "an ideal accepted by some individual or group" ( WordNet) and "is a foundation upon which other values and measures of integrity are based" ( Wikipedia).

Defining your own values means thinking through your core beliefs, setting aside the false standards of comparison, and deciding for yourself what matters, what doesn't, and why. The end result of defining your own values is the ability to be happy.

Marci at Overcoming Busy talked about this quality in her grandmothers: "My grandmothers lived the life they had been given – and they did it very well. I never heard them complain about the endless laundry or cooking. I remember my Grandma J smiling as she hung loads of clothes out on the line and humming as she ironed."

That's the key. Marci's grandmothers weren't busy comparing their lives, desires, and abilities with Neighbor Jones or Little Bessie Mae who ran off to New York City. They made their own choices, defined their own values, and then got to live in the peace of that independence, doing their daily work with joy instead of envy, resentment, or disillusionment. It's pretty hard to be happy about your own life when you've defined your values by someone else's system.

5. You judge by the lowest common denominator.

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” -Mahatma Gandhi

If you drop just one of these follow-the-crowd habits, make it this one: that evil, self-defeating habit of looking around, finding the worst example of what you could be, and then thinking, "Hmmmm, well I'm doing better than that so I must be okay."

Stick with that habit if you want a guaranteed unremarkable life. But if you want to do anything more than run in the middle of the pack, you need to quit settling for the being the least you can be and start quoting the Army motto to yourself. [No, not the "army of one" motto. What does that even mean?]

Be all that you can be. Not all that your friend, cousin, sister, neighbor is (or isn't) choosing to be. Not the lowest level possible. Quit basing your standards on the crummiest example you can find, just so you can feel like you're doing a good job. Go get some fatigues and live up to your own internal standards. Then maybe you'll start raising the lowest common denominator and we'll all start being a little bit more.

How are you going to quit following the crowd today?

• I'm going to acknowledge okay is not a given and personal responsibility matters.
• I'm going to quit using comfort and convenience as the measure of what I truly value.
• I'm going to do less accumulating and more creating.
• I'm going to define my own values and live my own life.
• I'm going to stretch myself to be more than what I see around me.

Image courtesy of Scott Ableman.

The first step is admitting you have a problem. And this is your problem. You have an assumption. A basic, unconscious assumption about life:

Everything is going to be okay.

Not to rain on your parade, but, well, your definition of okay and the reality of what actually happens in your life are not going to line up.
Bad things will happen to you. Sometimes because of you, sometimes because of other people, sometimes just because. No good reason that you can see.

We don't acknowledge the truth that things aren't always going to be okay. Instead, we drift along with this mentality of inevitable triumph, regardless of the signs telling us otherwise. And we reinforce this (false) idea in each other.

• "Don't worry, everything will work out."
• "You'll figure it out."
• "Things will get better."

There is, however, no guarantee of things working out or getting better or even not getting worse. When you assume that no matter what, it's all gonna be okay in the end, you remove personal responsibility from the picture. You also remove reality from the picture.

Drop the Okay Lie

The Okay lie: You assume your kids are going to turn out okay... so you don't take your job as a parent seriously, you let things slide, you don't deal with bad attitudes when they first appear. The result: your kids end up rebellious, unhappy, and lost and you shake your head and wonder how that happened.

The Okay lie: You assume that if you work hard and don't mess up too bad, you'll end up with a good career and stable finances.... so you don't pay attention to economic problems, industry lay-offs, small business closings, cutbacks, or even the great opportunities (involving risk) that come along. You don't take charge of your own career/money in a proactive way. The result: you become a victim of economic shifts and don't know what hit you until you're 6 months into unemployment.

The Okay lie: [here's one from my personal experience] You assume that your cancer-stricken Mom will make it. She'll fight it off, the chemo will work, she'll get better, and she'll be there in your life the way you expect, and God won't let her die yet. Life is a right, after all, and God owes us this much. Right? The result: When you lose something that matters this much, you can't avoid being shaken. But if your core belief is "I deserve an okay life and God better work it out," then the not-okay stuff will shake you through the center and put your very faith in God into question. I spent a year not sure if I wanted to believe in God again. I finally came to this conclusion (basic, I know, but it took me a while): Life is a gift, not a right. The good things that we receive are blessings, privileges, not automatic rights that we can demand.

Rights vs. Gifts

It goes against Western culture to talk about our inalienable rights not being rights. But the concept is bigger than government-for-the-people; it's more about created-and-Creator.

"Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?'
Does your work say, 'He has no hands'? Woe to him who says to his father, 'What have you begotten?' or to his mother, 'What have you brought to birth?'
Isaiah 45: 9-10

Now, here's the good news.

You can't (and shouldn't) walk around expecting Death to drop on your head at any moment. You can't live in fear (well, you can, but it won't be much of a life).
But when you drop the everything is going to be okay just because belief system, you can handle what does happen much better. Pretty quickly, you'll see that 99% of life falls into 1 of 2 categories:

1. Stuff you can control
2. Stuff you can't control

For the first category, losing the Okay Lie means you start taking responsibility for what you can control (how you parent, what you do with your money) and doing your best at it. Guaranteed better results with that approach, no matter what the area is.

Riches, Peace, and Freedom

For the second category, losing the Okay Lie means two things:

First, you start receiving every good day, every good things as a gift, a blessing, a privilege. You are thankful. You are grateful. You see how rich your life is, already. [Guess how thankful I am for good health. And for the fact that I have my Dad and sister. And for a mother-in-law and a stepmom who are such loving grandmoms to my kids.]
Second, you start trusting God the way He should be trusted, as Creator, not as giant-Santa-in-the-sky. And with that trust comes peace and freedom. Peace: I don't have to fight the inevitable truth that I will experience pain. I just have to remember to come to God with my pain. Freedom: I don't have to be in control of the things that I can't control. It's beyond my ability to guarantee a good life for myself and the ones I love. I am free to live, do my best, and trust God with whatever else happens.

Everything is not going to be okay. But that's okay.

atypical? untypical? nontypical? antitypical?

I'm thinking about my kids (I do that a lot when they're napping...). I'm not thinking that they are atypical but that, most likely, they will become so. They really have no choice. I've kind of accepted that our kids aren't going to get anything like a normal suburban American childhood. I don't think that's something either Joe or I can give them without altering ourselves beyond recognition.
And if genetics work the way I think they do, our kids would be bored by most of what is normal, typical.

At least I hope so, because that way I won't feel so bad about guaranteeing that they get the "weird" label applied straight out of the box.

I can't give you normal... but here's a cookie.

We can't give them normal, but I want to give them good, rich, full, secure, interesting. Maybe it's an atypical life, but it's better, at least for us.
How many "normal" ways and means and things I simply detest or do not understand. I do understand where William Morris was coming from when he said, "Apart from my desire to produce beautiful things, the leading passion of my life has been and is hatred of modern civilization."

I can't say I feel strongly enough to say I hate modern civilization... but I really, really, really don't like it. Ummmm. Or at least most of it. Or parts of it. Or just the underlying attitude that's present these days.

We are, whether we want to be or not, a sort of foreign family within the boundaries of our own native country. (How many other families feel that way? Maybe a lot. I'm thinking of this post in particular.)

Much of this is due to our upbringing. Joe and I were both home educated, so there's something that's immediately going to make you different in one way or another. Much of it is due to our own adult Christianity. If you really believe in the Bible, you're just going to not fit in with the rest of the culture. Good luck trying.

i'm haunted, but it's not so bad once you get used to it.

And the rest, well, I guess the rest is just written in us, on us. And I like who we are. But I still struggle with loyalty and guilt and a trained sense (or is it innate?) of needing to fit in. The pressure to conform haunts us, I admit it. Or at least me...

For Joe, maybe because of his gender but more because of his personality, I think, it's not needing to fit in so much as the need to be affirmed and praised. But people don't tend to affirm and praise those beyond (or to the side of) the status quo, those living at the fringe... at least not till after their death. Consider what Nietzsche said: "So long as men praise you, you can only be sure that you are not yet on your own true path but someone else's." (Um, excuse me, did you really stop and consider that, or did you just skim it and keep reading, hoping there would be a funny part somewhere? Be honest.)

There is always a pressure, implied or obvious, to conform.

Joe is okay with being different (actually, he kind of thrives on it) but he still wants affirmation. It's hard to get, when you're not typical. He pays the price of foregoing the praise when he chooses to do things that people may not understand. [Hi, honey, I'm talking about you again. Make it up to you later...]

I am just basically not comfortable being different. I tend to check the rightness of my choices by comparing to what others choose. I know that's one reason that reading is so important to me: it gives me a way to check in, to compare with people who have also made choices that are different, choices that help justify my own.

Books give me a way to step outside the cultural bounds and evaluate choices from a totally different view. Sometimes I find myself sighing with relief. Sometimes I find myself cringing at how I've chosen to fit in, how I've compromised myself in order to feel a little more at ease among my peers. When I compare those peers, and thus myself, to the great heroes and struggles and choices and stories, I see how cheaply I sold out. Shame on me.

to thine own self

In order to be true to myself, at times I have to look beyond my immediate surroundings and relationships for acceptance and affirmation. Sometimes God is the only one who can hear me, understand me, and answer that call from my heart. Many, many times Joe has been there to accept and encourage and affirm.

The funny thing is, nobody is standing there demanding that I explain myself. But beyond the sacred circle of our marriage, I feel this need to explain, to defend, to justify, to convince.

I'm not sure why. I'm trying to get over it...

{irritating questions intended to spur discussion}
1. Do you feel like you fit in? Do you feel like your family fits in?
2. Do you have a group, a community, a place where you belong, and feel known and accepted for who you are?
3. What does it mean for you to be true to yourself? What makes you different? What is a compromise that you make sometimes to feel like you fit in? Do you regret it?
4. Do you like me? Do you really, really like me??????

Answer here or answer at your own blog and pop the link into the comments.

Today is a soapbox day. If you can't handle it, you better go now.

I'm talking about integrity today. Integrity, which The American Heritage Dictionary defines dully as "the state of being unimpaired; soundness...the quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness."

Here's how I break it down. (Cue Vanilla Ice beat.) Integrity means being true to the best person you can be, the best version of yourself, instead of wimping out and drifting along, hoping one day you'll get yourself together. Look, you're contained in one body, right? How much more together can you get?

we are masters of excuse. (me, too.)

That doesn't mean we are excused. We can jump loopholes to mentally justify our wrong choices, but that doesn't make them any less wrong. We all want to blame the outcome on the circumstances, but we can't, never entirely. Because always there is more to us than instinct and circumstance. Those are the animals. How hideous of us to try and fit into their kingdom when we belong to another. How many vain philosophies were invented to keep us there, with the animals, but just the fact that we feel a need to philosophically rationalize that position should tell us that the position is wrong.

the top two excuses

Fear and laziness blind us. Fear and laziness are blinders, masks. They bind themselves to us so closely that they seem like our own desires, preferences... We don't consciously say, "I desire/prefer to be lazy and fearful" but the flesh sees anything that requires risk or work and says, Oh no that doesn't sound fun. Eeeeew.
And so we start thinking that's just not for me, I'm not that kind of person, that's not what I'm into...
But that's why character counts. We need to overcome those character flaws because that's what they truly are. They're not part of our personality, our soul, our best self.

"We need the courage to start and continue what we should do, and courage to stop what we shouldn't do." -Richard L. Evans

Laziness. I'm seeing it in myself and trying to overcome it. The sleep thing. The I-need-time-to-chill thing. The I-just-can't-focus-right-now thing. The default to taking a nap when I'm overwhelmed by what needs to be done. The million projects that are always unfinished and the guilt and burden of that hanging over my head.

Laziness is a choice, and a cowardly one at that. Laziness has a profound, negative impact on the quality of my life in almost every area. Frankly, I'm just tired of it. I'm frustrated by my own bad habits. Sometimes frustration is the key to change.

Fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, a stubborn unwillingness to take a risk, to put yourself out there where you might fail. Well. Here we are, and we can all get introspective and self-diagnostic and cuddly on the psychiatrist's couch. Helpful? No.

So I have an inferiority complex. So I like to think the worst about yourself and hide behind that self-pity. Life is moving on with me, and without you. Get over it, grow up, face your fears. Every moment you don't increases the negative effect on the people you love. Find out who you are in Christ. Put aside the fear of man. Take action. Action is the antidote to so many negative feelings and consequent cycles. Doing something, trying and failing, is admirable. But doing nothing is cowardly.

slaves of stress? or buddies?

Do you know what stress is? The best definition I've ever heard came from this book. Here's my paraphrase: stress comes from knowing the right thing to do but doing the wrong thing instead.
Stress comes from knowing who you are, knowing what you're capable of, knowing the visions and calling on your life, but choosing to slide down and live at a lower level instead.

Here are four words I never want to hear again: "I'm so stressed out."

I have no sympathy. Sorry. Sure, there are some situations which are out of your control and which will impact you and cause stress in your life. Those are the exceptions. 90% of the stress in our lives is self-induced. We allow it, we invite it, we entertain it, we become buddies with it, we hide behind it, we cuddle up with it.
Don't tell me about your stress unless you can also tell me, in all honesty, that every morning you wake up and you do your best, you choose to be disciplined, you choose to do what you know is right for who you are, the best version of who you are.

Then we can talk about stress, but I bet you won't have any.

Soapbox speech over.

Annie climbs down, looks around, feels awkward and mean and cruel. Hopes you understand. Hopes you get it. Hopes you see her heart here.

Image courtesy of MonsieurLui.

So. I've been thinking a lot lately about, well, things I think about. Which includes, sometimes, stupid things and often strange things and sometimes just boring things. At least I think they're boring because as far as I know, other people don't think about them so that must mean other people aren't interested in them so that must mean they're boring. Right? (Are you bored yet?)

found: repressed penelope. please return to owner.

I'm finding out a few things about myself. After reading 30 or so posts in a row from Penelope Loves Lists, I think I'm a repressed Penelope. I think I caught on early in life to the fact that (what were those words she used? anal-retentive, perfectionist, and so on) the Penelope type isn't always the popular girl at the party. She doesn't always fit in. If she's going to fit in, she might just have to smooth over some of her Penelope ways. You know what I mean?

I was a shy kid, and sometimes, despite the fact that now I will eagerly talk to just about any stranger, anywhere, anytime, about (almost) anything, I still get attacks of shyness. Everyday. With the people I know best.

And that shyness makes me want to do everything I can to fit in. Just fit in, Annie, darn it, quit being so weird. Don't be too anal-retentive. Don't be too clean-freakish. Don't be too organized, or detailed, or superpowered, or hyperactive, or scheduled, or seen making lists of my lists. Don't push yourself too much, succeed too much and make other people feel bad. I want people to like me. I want to please people. I want to make people happy.

and now for a review of my motives

Why do I want to make people happy?
Because other people's happiness makes me happy.

Sounds noble, doesn't it? Ah, what a selfless creature, living for the happiness of others. But we should all know, us people-pleasers (you don't have to raise your hands here, we'll just be a People Pleasers Anonymous with no formal introductions), that the desire to please is, at the root, a selfish desire.

In the end (or, I guess I should say, at the beginning), it's all about me. It's all about how I feel, how I can make me happy.

When I am the one making other people happy, they like me. They accept me. They give me pats on the back. I feel needed, wanted, affirmed, and worthwhile. Oh I love feeling neeeeeeeeded. I crave it. It's an addiction.

and now for a review of our mistakes. just two of them, though.

SuperMan and I were talking on the way home from Mississippi (I Love Road Trips) about mistakes we've made. Two in particular. I'll give you a little breakdown of these two particular ones, in irritatingly vague terms. Sorry, it's for the sake of enduring interpersonal relationships.

Mistake #1:

At a point about two years ago, I pressured Joe to finish up a particular family project, a big project, because 1) I wanted it done just for all the "benefits" it would bring us, and 2) I wanted to please other people and I thought this particular, finished project would be a humdinger of a way to do it. (Did I realize all this at the time? Maybe. Probably not fully.) Well, guess what? Joe likes to make me happy, so he felt the pressure and he tried to make it happen. The result? A time-energy-money suck that we're still dealing with. We'll get past it, but it's going to take a while.

Mistake #2:

At a point also about two years ago (geez what was wrong with us two years ago? and have we gotten over it yet?), we let the emotional pressure of a particular situation drive us away from it instead of finding a positive way to deal with it. Honestly, at that point, we didn't really see a positive way to deal with it, but we didn't really stop, think, and pray about it. We could have. About a year after that, we had the opportunity to deal with it positively and we kind of did, but not all the way, and we hesitated... and the opportunity passed. And now, my friends, it is unlikely (at best) to roll back around again. Sometimes you only get one chance (or in our case, I guess it was two but that's not a guarantee... ).

and now for a review of our reviews. hang in there.

Ever made any mistakes like those? The heart of the matter is simple enough, in both cases:

Mistake #1 was a result of being motivated by the desire to please people so they would like us. So that we would be happy.
Mistake #2 was a result of trying to defend ourselves from a hurtful and confusing situation so we wouldn't get hurt. So that we wouldn't be unhappy.

And now the $42,000 question: can Joe and Annie learn from their mistakes? Or are they doomed to repeat them in a never-ending, self-defeating, masochistic and dizzying cycle of self-centeredness and self-defensiveness? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK.

Oh, nevermind. I'll go ahead and write the conclusion and then try to live up to it.

today I make my resolution.

I am going to be a person who learns from her mistakes. Probably not all of them, people, because if I had to consciously review all my past mistakes in order to gain a lesson from them I would end up rocking back and forth and humming to myself in the hall closet. But Holy Flapping Pancakes, Batman, I can at least learn something from some of them.

Would you like to hear what I've learned so far? (Or is it so painfully obvious that repeating it is like saying VIN Number? Get it? V I N - the N means Number so when you say Number after the N you're just repeating... um.. where did everybody go?)

Whatever, you get to hear it so quit complaining and read just one more measly paragraph and then Kool-aid and cookies for everyone!

measly paragraph about life lessons thus far learned from my mistakes

#1: It's nice to make people happy, but as a primary motivation for life, it just doesn't work. Sometimes it is not worth it. Sometimes what I think will make other people happy is so far from what will actually contribute to my long-term happiness that the twain can never actually co-exist, so I need to let one go. I'm voting to let go of that elusive other-people's-happiness because a) I don't really know what will make them happy and b) it isn't my job to make them happy.
#2: Running away from problems does not solve problems. Avoiding hurt feelings does not guarantee you will not get hurt. Isolating yourself does not mean that you will be safe. It means that you will be lonely and will have made a large space in which to cultivate resentment, bitterness, and the lie we call victimization. If you want to be a grown-up, you need to deal with your problems. If the right choice is to get away, it should be done not in self-defensive knee-jerks, but with a thought-out, prayed-out decision.

End life lessons. Now, somebody get some Dixie cups for the Kool-aid, and everybody get a vanilla-creme-filled sandwich cookie... Nom nom nom.
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{annoying follow-up questions intended to spur a discussion}
1. How do you treat other people in order to secure your own happiness? Some of us try to please (okay, lots of us); some of us try to control; some of us manipulate; some of us attempt to be all things to all people by pleasing, controlling, and manipulating. Is it fair - to others, to yourself - to put your happiness on their shoulders? Is it fair to think you can provide happiness for them?
2. How do you isolate yourself in order to avoid pain? It could be by withdrawing emotionally, by staying too busy, by putting up a front ("Oh, everything's fine, we're good, kids are great, life is peachy, I'm just swell, blahdiblah"), or by ignoring or deliberately misunderstanding people. Isolation is not a way to solve a problem. It only intensifies the pain by adding loneliness and resentment. How can you start dealing with pain (real or imagined) instead of avoiding it?
3. Which do you prefer, the vanilla-filled or lemon-filled sandwich cookies? Or do you like those daisy shaped ones with the hole in the middle that you can stack on your finger? I'm taking votes for next week...

Most of my journal entries are boring. Most of them start with the date and then the time and then a report: "doing good today, got up on time" or "we're getting on track" or "late today, forgot to set the alarm" or "hit snooze 27 times before I got up this morning."

I flip back through my journal and I think, Hmmm, anyone who could fend off the boredom long enough to actually read these pages would probably walk away thinking this girl is obsessed with only one thing: when she gets up in the morning.

Maybe I am. Let me 'splain. (No, is too much. Let me sum up. No, let me let Madeleine L'Engle sum up for me.)

"A woman who follows a vocation needs an unusually understanding husband; [CHECK, ALL GOOD THERE.] and even then, a woman's success can put a real strain on marriage. [I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I FIND OUT.] And I believe this will be true even when women's liberation is an accomplished fact. [WHATEVER, I DON'T KNOW.] And the woman who accepts the demands of a call must be able to observe rigorous discipline. [THAT WAS THE IMPORTANT LINE.] If we follow a vocation and choose to have a family, too, there is a constant balancing of priorities. We have to learn to turn away from the typewriter in order to cook dinner. [WE DO? OOPS.] And, yet, we mustn't lose the train of thought." (Madeleine L'Engle)

"...and the woman who accepts the demands of a call must be able to observe rigorous discipline."

I'm a morning person, Joe is not. But I've noticed that for both of us, we do much better when we both get up at ungodly hours of morning to do the things which are important to us, which take time, which inspire and encourage us through the rest of our day, which are part of our long-term vision. These are the things, the efforts which most define and identify us at our core, most reward us (at least inwardly), but which it is most difficult to make time to do, daily.

Get up at 4 or 5 in the morning to pursue something iffy (a book, a website, a start-up business, God...) and then work the rest of the day at your real job? Are you crazy?

Well.
Maybe.

Maybe crazy. Definitely most alive and definitely most happy when we are pushing ourselves, pursuing a goal, challenged and working and progressing on something important. Of course, it goes without saying but I'll say it anyhow: being a Mom is important and Joe's work at Arco is important.

Yes, obviously, since we devote our days to that, to the exclusion of other pursuits. There's no question in my head of which is more important, my children or my writing. I don't have to ponder this. If we were in an either-or situation, it would be bye-bye to writing. But praise Thee, Lord, we are not. I can love, nurture, train, be with my children and still write. It just requires thought, effort, rigorous discipline, and a good dose of craziness to do both.

That's why I obsess over my mornings. They are the sign: am I making room in my life for what matters? I can't shove aside my children during the day in order to pursue writing, and I don't want to. So if I want to do the important work of writing, I have to do it before my other important work begins. (Or after, which might be an option for night-people but not for me, as brain turns to oatmeal after 9 pm.)

So I care. I infringe on night, I cut my sleep short, I drink too much coffee, I hide my alarm, I mumble and mutter and stare and then the caffeine clicks in, I start writing, and I remember why I'm awake.
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What do you obsess over?

Image of girl obsessing over checkbook courtesy of Betsy with a lot of S's. Thanks, Betsssssssssssssy.

I am feeling totally burned out and the last thing I want to do right now is write. I don't even really want to read, and that's a sure sign of word fatigue at its worst incarnation. I want to sleep. Oh. Coffee might help.

There are two little girls in the kitchen and I'm watching them through the big pass-through. They are standing on little blue chairs in front of the sink, "washing dishes" for me. Happy. Intensely involved in their work. Oblivious to the water on the counter, on the floor, on their shirts. I think right now they're guessing what soap bubbles taste like and wondering why I won't let them taste to find out...

The Conflict Between What Is Needed and What I Want

Writing through burn-out. Working through fatigue. Giving through selfishness. That's what it comes down to, isn't it? Writing or working or caring for children or giving careful attention to a conversation when what you want is to run away, anywhere away, far away. It is the conflict between what I'm feeling, which is telling me what I want, and what is needed from me.

It is a sign of maturity when you can ignore the feelings and simply do what is needed, in spite.

In Spite of the Feelings

Not without the feelings. That's a crock. In spite of the feelings. You can't turn emotions on and off. You can't make "happy" happen anytime you feel a little stressed or down.
But you can decide that feelings aren't the most important factor. You can look at yourself and say, Okay, I don't feel like doing this. I, in fact, want to vomit at the thought of this... job, obligation, event, conversation, pile of child's vomit to be cleaned up. But it still needs to be done. So I am going to do it.

When Not to Focus on the Feelings

It is not bad to have feelings, even negative feelings. Feelings are worthwhile. But feelings are not valid excuses for just checking out on the things we've committed to doing and being. But when we have these bad feelings, we tend to focus on fixing them so we can get on with the doing and being. It's the wrong order, and it never works. The more we focus on the negative feelings, the bigger and scarier and more negative they become.

The best thing to do in those moments is to decide, in the simplest of ways, that you will just let those feelings sit there while you get on with the doing and being that is your life. Your life is not your feelings. Your life is effected by your feelings, but the moment you make that simple decision, the feelings lose a bit of their power.

You type a sentence in spite of the burn-out.
You smile at your child in spite of the frustration.
You hug your husband in spite of the stress.

When to Focus on the Feelings

Negative feelings are valid markers of something being wrong. But sometimes the "something wrong" is just too little sleep or too much navel-gazing. The moment the feelings are in full-blown attack is the worst time to start trying to analyze the cause. Worst, worst, worst.

Wait on it. Don't worry about them. There they are, those feelings. If they're indicating something you need to deal with, you've got time to deal with it. Later. After a good night's sleep or a good meal or a long walk or some belly laughs. After the doing and being, go back and think through the feelings. You'll have the gift of just enough distance to actually analyze them and their cause instead of getting swept up in their force.

This is how you start to grow up. This is how you start to accept feelings for what they are: part of your life, not all of your life.

Images

1. Sometimes you just want courtesy of Vale the Kid on Flickr.