1. There is no such thing as a short grocery list.

2. It will always take longer than I think to get out the door.

3. A simple yes or no works just as well as those overblown explanations I keep giving. Seriously, Annie? Quit talking.

4. When I am discouraged, depressed, unmotivated, and cranky, 9 times out of 10, it is because I need sleep. A 20-minute nap works wonders. A 2-hour nap is miraculous.

5. Speaking of naps, everyone who is not a parent undervalues the beauty and glory of sleep. But you can’t really convince them of that…

6. Every little thing I can do to make morning and bedtime and post-nap-grumpy-time and pre-dinnertime-witching-hour easier and simpler is a good idea.

A really good idea.

7. These kids are not deprived of anything, literally. Hello, richest country in the world. We live here. Our “poor” is still pretty darn good.

8. The day is hugely and disproportionately better when I get up before everybody else and get the day started calmly.

9. The day is hugely and disproportionately worse when I sleep until the last minute and get the day started in a grumpy funk of caffeine-deprived sleep haze.

10. I should have bought stock in a coffee company.

11. Schedules – realistic, flexible ones – help everybody.

12. Kids like routines.

13. Kids can live on an amazingly small amount of food.

14. If it can be spilled, it will be spilled. Put a lid on that freakin’ sippie cup. That’s why they have lids.

15. Any type of food, when eaten by a child in a car, will produce ten times its weight in crumbs.

16. I have to say no more than I get to say yes, but that’s okay. It’s simply a condition of our complex, overfilled world.

17. I will probably always be the Mom that the other Moms at the playground look at funny. That’s okay.

18. Comparisons to other Moms have absolutely no business influencing my life or standards. We’re all different, and that’s good.

19. If I can be one step ahead (of need, kids, deadlines), then everything works better.

20. I can never take too many photos. Or videos.

21. I should write down the funny things these kids say and do, because chances are I’ll forget by the end of the day if I don’t.

22. The days are long, but the years are short. Enjoy them.

photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography

1. Let them give it a good try.

That doesn’t mean don’t help, it just means give them a chance, let them try. Even let them flounder a bit. They don’t know how much they are capable of (neither do you). You have to give them room to stretch and be a bit awkward and make a few messes and get a little frustrated, even. That’s how they learn and gain new skills. Sure, teach them, walk them through processes, help them, encourage them. But don’t forget to give them room to try. You’ll be surprised at how much they can do. And once you know they can do it…

2. Don’t do anything for them that they can do themselves.

Why belittle the new skill they have just gained? Unless there’s a real need (e.g. house fire, potty emergency, we have to leave in five minutes or the world will end), let them exercise those skills and do for themselves. It will help them get better at the skills (which means faster) and will save you the trouble of doing everything for everybody.

3. Spend time listening, talking, teaching, playing with them, letting them work with you and be with you, NOT entertaining them.

You’re the Mom, not the birthday clown. They don’t need more entertainment; they need the most important people in their lives to treat them like real people, like important people. They need you to share your time, your knowledge, your respect, your sense of humor, your skills, your love. They need a real relationship, not a side show.

You don’t have sing silly songs or talk in a demented puppet voice or do hand motions or make funny faces to show your kids that you love them. (In fact, please don’t do those things except on special occasions.) Just be a real person and let them be a real part of your life. Entertaining themselves is their own responsibility.

4. Teach them to “be their own boss.”

Your job as Mom is to raise up your kids so they can take over the job of being their own boss. You are in the business of teaching them responsibility and independence. Give them principles to live by, help them develop good habits and skills, and then let them take off on their own. Remind them that they are learning to “be their own boss” but until they show that they’re capable of it, you’re the boss. (This also implies that they’re not anyone else’s boss, so they don’t need to run around telling people what to do.)

5. Teach them that respect is the basis of how we behave toward others.

Manners aren’t just a bunch of silly rules somebody made up. There’s a point to the rules: we show respect for others by how we behave around them and toward them. Teach your kids that they don’t need to just talk/do/go thoughtlessly; they need to be aware of the people around them. Teach them to notice and respect the needs and preferences of other people (starting with their own siblings).

Learning to listen, to wait, to be still, to entertain themselves, to not interrupt, to say please and thank you, to clean up their own messes, etc., is all part of showing respect (which is really showing love). This principle gives them a way to make good decisions about how to behave when there isn’t a particular rule, or when you’re not around to give them directions.

What: a bag you keep in the car. You thought it was going to be more complicated than that, didn’t you?

Who: Awesome tool for Mommies. Could be labeled the Urban Mommy Survival Kit. Handy for anyone who, well, has a car.

Why: Save money, stress, and time. So you can feel like SuperMom.

What to put in said car bag to reap its enormous benefits:

Obviously this depends on who you are and etc; as a Mommy of 3 (almost 4) young kiddos, here’s what I keep in my car bag. Note: this is separate from a diaper bag. Stock yours according to ages of your kids, special needs, your own preferences, etc. The basic idea is just to have a set of extra “essentials” available so that an inconvenience doesn’t turn into an emergency.

My car bag list:

• extra outfit for each kid, stored in Ziploc bags. (I have a thing for Ziploc bags.) They’re awesome when you do need to do a clothes change because you can put the, ahem, soiled clothing items in the bag, zip it up, and keep it contained until you can get home and put it in the washer.
• a diaper or two and wipes (just in case I forget the diaper bag)
• first aid mini kit
• antibacterial wipes or spray or gel
• sun screen
• bug spray
• non perishable snacks (granola bars, nuts, animal crackers) and a couple of bottles of water (we use these up often enough I don’t have to worry about grossness)
• a sippy cup (so nice to have when we go to restaurants, for Joe… Ha, okay, for Zeke…)

Regarding: awesome tote bag pictured above.

It is “Newspaper in White” tote by crafty person bobloveseleanor, and can be purchased from appropriate Etsy store for a mere $40.00. I also love the fabric organizer bin available from bobloveseleanor. So go show bob, and, um, eleanor some love and buy something handmade.

So now that we’re on child #4, a.k.a. the last child, we figure we better contemplate birth control.

I don’t like everything in this infographic: Margaret Sanger is not a hero of mine, to put it lightly. Birth control (in some forms) is, in my opinion, a good idea; though it’s definitely a personal choice of what/how you use. But mandatory sterilization and (race-directed) abortion, eh, not so much.

In terms of the overriding philosophy of birth control, I’m not sure how far we’ve come. Not very.

In terms of method, however, we’ve definitely come a long way. Cedar oil? Really?

Source: Laboratory Technician

Disclosure: paid post.

Image: Baby Ava and Daddy by Caroline Beth

1. Quit repeating yourself.

Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. If you do say it, mean it. Say it once, leave it alone, then ACT if necessary to follow through on what you’ve said.
P.S. When saying stuff to your kids, e.g, instructions, commands, suggestions, etc., remember to be CLEAR and be BRIEF. Clear: don’t ask when you are actually telling. Don’t offer an option if there really isn’t one. Don’t confuse the issue. Don’t give too many choices. Simple is best here. Brief: The longer you talk, the less your kids hear. Short, sweet, and to the point.

2. Get rid of (at least) half the toys in your home.

If you’re thinking this is extreme, try it. Box up half of the toys/gear/supplies and stick it in the garage, attic, closet, whatever. If your kids ask for it specifically, then consider it worth keeping. If that hasn’t happened in a few weeks, give it away. Kids don’t need stuff as much as they need space, time, and freedom for creativity.

3. Equip yourself for the toughest meal time.

Maybe that’s breakfast for you, getting everyone out the door on time. Or maybe it’s dinner, what my sis and I commonly refer to as the witching hour, when everything and everyone seems to fall apart just as we’re trying to get supper finished and served. Either way, anticipate the stress by 1) planning quick, simple, easy meals; 2) keeping your pantry/fridge/freezer stocked so you always have something on hand; and 3) getting as much prep done ahead of time as you can.

4. Create a simple, daily routine for kids to follow.

Kids, in general, like routines. A simple routine does not mean you have to schedule your day and theirs in fifteen-minute increments. In fact, I beg of you, please don’t do that. But do establish some daily habits, like first we have breakfast, then we do chores, then we have art time… You can still have plenty of “unplanned” blocks of time, but giving yourself and your kids some mile markers through the day helps keep everyone sane, calm, and happy.

5. Institute room time.

Room time is essential, I think, if you have more than one kid (or hey, even if you only have one) and if you want to keep your sanity and give them their own creative space, too. We all need some down time, and especially for kids and stay-at-home Moms, we all need some down time away from each other. Room time provides that. In my house, it means the boys go to their room and shut the door and play with their toys in there (I don’t keep a ton of toys in there, by the way, mostly bigger, easy to pick up stuff like trucks. See #2.) Mara goes to her room and shuts the door and gets to chill by herself for a while. She actually asks for room time if I forget it. It gives her time to do some more complex stuff (art projects) or quieter games (her little ponies and dolls) that the boys often interrupt out in the main living areas.
I can hear if anybody destroys anything or gets hurt, but I can finish cooking dinner in peace or sit down and read for 30 minutes.

6. Quit feeling guilty about the FAIL days.

You’re a parent, you have days that are labeled with the big red FAIL stamp. This is how things go. We don’t like ‘em, and especially us Moms… oh, we think we should get it right, or mostly right, every single day. It’s not gonna happen. Yesterday was a FAIL day for me, to the point that I was really contemplating how much I could get for the kids if I put them on Craigslist. Lucky for them Joe got home just then… But you know what? We’re all human. The sooner we accept that, as parents, about ourselves, the sooner we can accept that our kids will also have faults, and we can deal with all those accumulate faults – theirs, ours, and everyone else’s – without freaking out. Freaking out, by the way, is not one of the 7 ways to be a better parent.

7. Reduce the demands on your life.

This one goes hand-in-hand with #6. It’s about expectations, and it’s about the fact that we often expect ourselves to live up to these demands that have accumulated over time. They can become burdensome, to say the least, and can keep us from enjoying life, relaxing, enjoying our kids, and doing the things that are really important (like napping). If you’re still obligated and performing simply because at some distant point in the past you agreed to some responsibility, consider if you might need to cut that off. We change, life changes, and we need to adjust the demands we allow ourselves to live under. More is definitely not better, unless you’re talking about more time with your kids, more time with your spouse, more time for yourself, more time to rest, and more time to be creative and have fun.

Image: mechika by I/Ong

I’ve stated before that one of my goals as a parent is for my children to be as independent as possible. That doesn’t mean they get to run wild; it means I make strategic choices to encourage them into independence on my terms, which looks like this:

• able to play by themselves without my constant intervention and direction
• able to handle conflict by themselves
• unafraid to try new things
• ready to learn and use new skills
• equipped to do what they can for themselves

You have to make conscious choices to encourage independent (not rebellious) children, which means children who will be independent learners. These choices don’t always look like typical parenting. Be prepared for some funny looks… and for a great pay-off: intelligent kids who can entertain themselves and who are interested in the world around them.

1. Time

   Two essential elements of time in a child’s life will either encourage or squelch independent learning.

   Element 1: Schedule/Routine. Kids need stability and a normal schedule with steady routines gives them that. When they have that stability, they have the security and confidence they need to explore and do stuff on their own. Kids without stability will be clingy or rebellious or (most often) an irritating combination of both.

   Element 2: Stretches of Time. Schedules give you an idea of where you’re going and what you’re doing; routines make it easy to accomplish the where and what. But schedules should also include stretches of time that are empty: time in which your kids are not entertained, organized, directed, instructed, or otherwise dominated (however sweetly) by a grown-up guide.

2. Boredom

   
   Boredom correlates with summer for most parents, because kids are suddenly free from the planned and structured days of schooling and left to their own plans and structures.
   It’s an overwhelming responsibility at first: a kid whose days have been directed in fifteen-minute increments must suddenly figure out his own way. Plan some summer things, sure, but not too many.
   Allow boredom to happen. Boredom is the space between entertainment and creativity. Too often we Moms jump in with the urge to fix and entertain and we prevent our kids from getting to creativity. Ignore the whines and leave them a little longer. Boredom never killed anybody.

3. Space

   Give your kids a little freedom from you by creating space, both physical and mental, for some of those open stretches of time. The best pattern for me and my kids has been about 10 to 15 minutes of “Mom time” followed by some time/space for independent play.
   We do something together, like reading books, singing songs, working outside, doing an art activity; then I get myself busy with work of my own, usually in my office or the kitchen, and I send them out of that room. I can still see and hear what is going on but it’s harder for me to intervene and direct and it’s easier for them to forget Mom and work things out for themselves.

4. Play

   I use the terms “independent play” and “independent learning” interchangeably because, essentially, they are the same thing. Independent play is independent learning; we just don’t also recognize it. It is also preparation for more mature independent learning. The patterns you set for play will become the patterns you follow for learning.

5. One Assumption

   Children who will be great at independent play and learning need one assumption from their parents. This single assumption will instill freedom and confidence in both you – the parent – and in your children.
   Assume that they know how and that they are capable unless they prove otherwise.

   Usually parents make the opposite assumption, and jump in to explain and help even when kids don’t need it. Sure, use common sense. A three-year-old shouldn’t be assumed capable of handling a sharp knife. But within safety boundaries, assume that they can unless they prove that they can’t. And let them struggle a bit. If they get to the place where they ask for help after they have already given a good try, they will actually be ready to listen and learn. Your instruction will be effective if you don’t give it too soon.

Remember: you’ve got to make conscious parenting choices if you want to encourage independent learning.
–

Photos by orangeacid, John Morgan.

Over the last few days, I’ve been skimming through Dr. Kevin Leman’s Becoming the Parent God Wants You to Be.
I picked it up from the church library after one of those weeks when I figured my fertility must have been oversight on God’s part. “Oh no, Annie had kids? That wasn’t supposed to happen…”

Yeah, yeah, one of those. And after one of those conversations in which a recently-returned-to-town friend casually threw out the, “So, what are you guys up to? What’s been going on with you lately?” bomb-of-a-question.

Eh? I wanted to say, Do you see these small people following me? They are what has been going on lately, and as far as I can tell, they are what will be going on for the next ten or fifteen or (dear God please help me) twenty years. That’s what I’m up to.

I held my tongue and said something vague and more appropriate. One of these days, though…

Anyway, on to the point, which I have now forgotten. Oh, yes, the book. The book that I brought home and which subsequently sat on my desk until another one of those weeks went by, at which point I pulled it out and thought, Maybe this would be more helpful if I read it.

Indeed.

“…godly parenting means treating your children the way God treats us, His children. He lovingly helps us make wise decisions about the realities of life.” (p. 21)

The line “treating your children the way God treats us” made me stop and think. God is not a taskmaster. God is not set on vengeance. God is not offended by our failures. God is not demanding our perfection. God is available. God is listening. God is speaking in ways I can understand, over and over again until I get it. God is not interested in the outward appearance, but in the heart. God is understanding, loving, gentle, kind, and merciful. God is truthful, firm, strong, and secure. God is happy: the joy of the Lord is my strength. How can He give me joy if He doesn’t have it Himself?

Ready for the obvious translation?

I should not be a taskmaster over my children. I should not be set on vengeance toward myself, for failing, or toward anyone else. I should not be offended my my children’s failures. I should not be demanding their perfection. I should be available. I should be listening, aware, watching. I should be speaking in ways that my children can understand, over and over again until they get it. I should not be so interested in how they look and should be completely interested in their little hearts. I should be understanding, loving, gentle, kind, and merciful. I should be truthful, firm, strong, and secure. (Not wavering. Not a pendulum.) I should be happy, too. It’s good to be happy.

I say “should be” not to pour guilt on myself or anyone else but to show us all what is possible.
Of course, with man these things are impossible. They are too high, too wide, too deep for my narrowness. But with God… with God…
all things are possible.