It is 8:30 on a Saturday night and I am about to gorge myself on good chocolate and books. I am full of resolution. I am full of cheer. I am alone with the hot running water, in a cocoon the color of the shower curtain. My library loot is stacked beside me on the handmade, colored "Mara HEARTS Daddy" step stool. A pile of Ghirardellis on the ledge of the tub, next to my bottle of cold water.

Joe's out snowboarding, the 3-under-3 are sleeping, and tonight I'm kicking it Mommy-style. Mommy after 3 days of no-routines, messy-house, movie-overload, good-times chaos. Mommy after 3 days of feeling slightly guilty that she has trouble going with the flow and that
she kind of resents the extra work that results from all this fun. Read the rest of this entry »

The most potent influence for good that the world knows is a whole minded Christian home.
In such a home the life of the parents expresses their convictions rather than their frailties and their instruction of the children in the truths of the Christian faith is easy and natural, for it is but an explanation of the motives which actually determine the behavior which the children see and the conditions of life which they share.
Such a home is quiet, unhurried, without strain and stress.

The feelings and emotions inducted within the children by the contagion of sympathy are unhectic, sound, and wholesome.
The suggestions of such a home are in right directions, its unconscious models worthy of imitation.
Its authority is reasonable, its spirit that of mutual affection, its members are friends and comrades who stick together in work and in play.

In such a home the kingdom of God begins to come on earth,

that Kingdom which will come fully when all men realize that they have one Father and are brethren.
To such a home many of us can look back, and we thank God that it imparted its spirit, not just by precept or instruction, but by the uncounted, unintended vital influences of its atmosphere.
Text from " The Training of Children in the Christian Home" by Luther Allan Weigle.

Attributes of Fools

Fools:

• Despise wisdom
• Despise instruction
• Hate knowledge
• Are destroyed by prosperity
• Inherit shame
• Are clamorous
• Are simple
• Know nothing
• Weigh parents down
• Will fall
• Are near destruction
• Lie
• Hide hatred
• Utter slanders
• Listen to gossip
• Die for lack of wisdom
• Delight in mischief
• Are right in their own eyes
• Make their anger known
• Proclaim foolishness
• Bring shame
• Are destroyed

Raising Up Fools

Let's translate that list into parenting.

When I ignore my husband, ridicule my pastor, and otherwise demean authority figures and teachers in my life, I am teaching my children to hate wisdom and instruction.
When I panic, yell, argue loudly, speak before I listen, nitpick, and quarrel, I am teaching my children to be clamorous. When I allow them to interrupt, argue, question authority rudely, and make demands, I am teaching them to be clamorous.
When I give my children silly answers to serious questions. I am raising them to be simple-minded.

When I give my children arbitrary rules with no underlying principles, I am raising them to be fools who know nothing.

When I don't teach them how to communicate with respect, when I make excuses for them, I am turning them into children who will bring shame and weigh us, their parents, down.

When I allow temper tantrums...
When I give explanations for everything...
When I don't set boundaries...
When I act like a fool...

I am raising fools.

That's kind of heavy, isn't it? Hang with me here. It gets better. Read the rest of this entry »

Yesterday morning, Robbie slid off the edge of my bed, trying to climb in. He looked up at me and said, "Sowwy!" A little later, he stumbled over the threshold: "Sowwy!" After church he was playing and I heard someone say, "Oh, how cute! He said sorry when he fell down."

Hmmm. Apologies are important, and necessary, and most people don't offer them enough and do a sloppy job of them. Saying "my bad" doesn't count. But over-apologizing is another beastie. Why is Robbie saying sorry for everything? Because he hears his Mommy saying sorry for everything. Why does his Mommy say sorry for everything? She's not sure.

Low self-esteem? Southern courtesy? Overly developed sense of propriety?

I don't really know, and intense self-analysis is usually a waste of my time. For some reason or for many reasons, I apologize for things that are beyond my control. I apologize when I feel uncomfortable, when I'm sympathizing, when I'm uncertain. I say I'm sorry when I should say excuse me. I say I'm sorry when I should be silent.

And here it is coming from my little boy's lips. He's smiling. He's not upset. He's just saying "Sowwy" a lot these days. Children are the mirrors of our personalities, our quirks, our habits. Whatever we throw out there they soak up and reproduce in some form. All of a sudden I feel like a bug pinned on the microscope. I don't know much about my ugly insides, but they are about to be displayed and there's nothing I can do about it. Except cringe. And say, "Sorry."

I've talked about having house rules before; having a short list of them helps us Moms to maintain consistency because it gives us a concrete standard. But let's look at it just a bit more, because just sticking some arbitrary rules on the wall isn't really the goal.

Listen to what Charlotte Mason says:

"When a mother allows a little trespass to go, unchecked and unmarked, the child has learned to believe that he has nothing to overcome but his mother's disinclination; if she choose to let him do this and that, there is no reason why she should not; he can make her choose... and if his mother does what she chooses, of course he will do what he chooses, if he can; and henceforward the child's life becomes an endless struggle to get his own way.

Let the child perceive that his parents are law-compelled as well as he, that they simply cannot allow him to do the things which have been forbidden, and he submits with the sweet meekness which belongs to his age."

{Charlotte Mason, Home Education, pp. 14-15}

We all live under the law.

I'm not talking about the speed limit, though that kind of law matters, too. I'm talking about the big, divine, universal laws: the laws we know inherently, though some of us choose to ignore them and at times, we all fail to uphold them. Think in terms of the Ten Commandments, or, better yet, what Jesus said about the law:

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. The second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' No other commandment is greater than these.

{Mark 12:30-31)

We parents are to live under the law, and we need to teach our children that the rules we have are not just random ideas we come up with and then impose upon them arbitrarily. Sure, some rules may be: "No shoes in the house" doesn't have much of a moral implication. But the rules that really matter do have a moral implication.

Do a little digging and find the principles behind the rules, and teach them to your children. I've made a simple change when I discipline our children. Instead of saying, "No, Robbie, don't hit your sister," I say, "No, Robbie, I can't let you hit your sister. It is not right."

Does that matter? Maybe not all the time. But in the end, yes: because we want our children to grow up learning principles that give them wisdom for life, not legalistic rules, we need to help them to understand that law is universal and that we, their parents, answer to a higher authority. Everybody has to obey.

"The training of children is no mere side-issue; it is the main business of those of us who are parents."

I realized today that the reason I most often get frustrated with my children is that I am frustrated with myself. I've gotten behind, I've lost focus, I'm having a bad hair day... For one reason or another, I'm not meeting my personal goals. I'm not being consistent and diligent with myself, and that becomes (too quickly) me not being consistent and diligent with my children. And how quickly that escalates into lots of whining, lots of nagging, lots of tears, lots of frustration. The kids don't do so well, either...

It is when I am frustrated that I don't notice the horrible things I am teaching my children.

It's Never Your Fault.

They fall and get an owie and we say, "Oh that mean old table.” Why not "Hey, watch your head when you crawl under the dinner table"? Wouldn't that be better advice, and help them avoid another head-table collision in the future?

You Always Get To Choose.

We do this a million times a day. Red cup or blue cup? Pink pajamas or purple pajamas? Crackers or pretzels? Juice or milk? Up or down? The Alphabet Song or The Itsy Bitsy Spider Song? Markers or crayons? We're trying to be nice. We like watching their little decision-making mechanism at work.

We think it's cute, but we end up  creating a whole lot of unnecessary confusion for our children, hassle for ourselves, and in the end a child who expects that, always, in every situation, he gets to make a choice.

Real life, of course, is full of choices but also full of situations in which there are no options. Pain, hurt, injury, Speedos, work, loneliness, heartburn, hardship, grief, traffic, betrayal, bad hair days, rain, nosy neighbors, PMS, aging, IRS, taxes, polyester, death: you can avoid some, but you certainly can't avoid all. The only choice that always exists is the choice of how we respond.

We would bless our children to teach them the art and skill of choosing happiness no matter what, choosing acceptance when there is no other option, choosing gratitude... Those are good choices to know how to make. Choosing red or blue never really helped anyone, even when it comes down to politics.

Life Is Fair.

Everyone gets equal portions of cake passed out on equally pretty plates. Siblings endure the same bedtime even when the age differs significantly. We count to make sure they all have the same number of presents, within the same price range, the same opportunities, experiences, advantages, and on and on. I don't need to point out why this is a stupid move.

Anyone who has experienced life beyond the cradle knows it isn't fair. That we long for justice, that we feel justice should prevail, is true. This is why we love movies with a clear-cut hero and villain and you-know-who gets what's coming to him in the end. Rah rah rah for truth, justice, and the American way! We have ideals, but we also have reality.

Everybody gets hangnails and indigestion, not just the bad guys. Sometimes the nicest people have the crummiest lives. Sometimes the hardest workers end up the poorest. Why we feel like we should coddle our children into thinking otherwise is beyond me. Of course, it's nice to be even and equal, and it's nice that we can smooth some things out for kids, but we parents make a career of it.

Right and Wrong Are Relative.

We daily, hourly instill in them a principle of morals by preference: if it feels good (at the time) then it's right, if it feels otherwise then it's wrong. It's by our own failure to be consistent with discipline – for ourselves and for them - that we pound this into their little brains. No wonder they wind up confused about God, truth, right, wrong, professional sports, and Santa Claus.

The good news is that love covers a multitude of sin. It is our own sin that needs covering, when it comes to being a parent. “We're not ready for a baby yet,” I've heard young couples say. Heavens no. They're not ready. No one ever is.

How can you be ready to be a perfect moral example, to wear spit-up like a badge of honor, to second-guess every truth you've ever known, to realize that your failures directly influence your child, to give up sleep, sex, sanity, selfishness? You're never ready; you just go into it blind and deaf and mute and come out of it seeing and hearing and singing (sometimes yelling). Parenting is the strangest thing a person can ever do. I highly recommend it.

Images courtesy of octavioags,  minotaurus, David Knox, felly1000. Quote from The Training of Children in the Christian Family, by Luthur Allan Weigle, p. 14.

There he stood, my little 1 1/2 year old, with his blond curls on his head and his diaper in his hand. As in, not on his little bottom. And yes, there was poop. And it was Not Good.

I was writing about happiness. I had stopped writing about happiness just to go get that little booger up from his nap. I was needing a break from the sort of thing I kept finding in my research on happiness. Things like this:

Happiness is..."the ultimate state of conscious feeling where all the five senses integrate into a purest form of dreamless love. Happiness flows out of 'FORGIVE'ness and not 'FORGET'ness," says Asesh Datta here.

This is why happiness is so elusive; we've just defined the heart and soul out of it.

How in the name of all that is yellow and buttery are you supposed to make all five senses integrate into a purest form of dreamless love?

First of all, what is dreamless love? Is love normally full of dreams? Is it better without the dreams? How do you get it to be dreamless? How can you tell? Can you be happy with love that stubbornly retains one or two dreams involving giant French fries, a purple tuxedo, and a burro named Roxy?

And how do you integrate all five senses into this sort of state? Let's just refresh on all five senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching. Please explain to me how you can smell dreamless love. Please. I want to know.

Anybody?

By now you're thinking Okay, ha ha ha with the sarcasm, where is the happiness?

Well, it's elusive, like a deer, so quit being so pushy.

I take that back. Happiness isn't elusive. Happiness is hard work. We pretend it's elusive so we don't have to fess up to being lazy. That way we can continue to be unhappy without feeling like it's our own fault, which allows us to continue complaining about the utter injustice of the universe and how we're gonna tell that Happiness Guru a thing or two when we get up there. Or over there. Or through there. Whatever.

Happiness isn't elusive, like a deer. Happiness is big and ugly, like a rhino. Happiness likes stare-downs. Happiness needs plenty of space and care and feeding. Happiness makes great big piles of poop.

Uh, my analogy might have broken down on that last one.

And now I have a story to tell. I finished the line above (the one about the rhino poop, you remember?), and went to wake up my napping children. Well. They weren't exactly napping anymore. They had been awake for an undisclosed amount of time as I recorded my brilliant and vanishing insights into your happiness. That is the price they pay for having a famous authoress a writer as a mother.

I opened the door to my daughter's room. I opened the door to my son's room. I smelled rhinos. Well, I smelled something I now unfailingly associate with rhinos.

Those are the little ironies of life. You get up from writing about happiness and walk in to wake your wonderful, cuddly, cute baby only to find yourself scraping poo off the floor, which was put there by said baby, whom you are currently not referring to as "wonderful" or "cute" and very definitely not "cuddly." Half a roll of paper towels and a bottle of disinfectant later, your happiness is being put to the test. And this is the essay question that stumps you at the end:

Can you be happy while you are cleaning up poo?

I will now defer to my collection of quotations from people much smarter than me:

Abraham Lincoln, who certainly knew a thing or two about cleaning up gigantic messes, said that "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Benjamin Franklin said that "It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man," so according to the illustrious Mr. Franklin, me cleaning poo off the floor is a happier person than me sitting around idly in that cushy blue chair, reading a novel and nibbling pistachios. I don't know. I've always admired B.F. but he seems to be falling a little short of insightful on this one.

Here's what I think: happiness doesn't come when you have more fun; fun comes when you have more happiness.

We wait for certain conditions and expect them to provide happiness and we're always disappointed. Reality can never live up to fantasy. Disney World is fun when you're there, but it's never quite as good as it was in those hours of imagining how great it would be to go to Disney World.

You don't imagine standing in line for an hour, melting into a pool of sweat in the shiny asphalt, and wearing a scratchy polyester jumpsuit as a fill-in for Captain Kirk in the make-your-own Star Trek movie event. So you go, you have fun, but it's not as good as the expectation. Too often we let that gap between what we get and what we expect just destroy our happiness.

I didn't expect poo on the bed when I walked into my son's room, but that's what I got. And there was my moment of destiny in the pursuit of happiness: do I curse and mutter? Do I let it ruin my day? Do I yell at my child?

I'm basically a selfish person, and I'd rather be happy than be unhappy. So I stopped and looked and then I laughed. Because, really, what else can you do?

I laughed because it's a great story. I laughed as I took the sheets of the bed, bathed the child, and mopped the floor. (Okay, I might have stopped laughing at some point because you can't just laugh indefinitely; bear with me, I'm trying to make a point.) Here's the point: Happy is up to you. Happy doesn't make the mess go away, but it does make cleaning up any kind of mess better.

Oh, and yeah, I also laughed because it's not as great a story as my friend's, whose daughter not only took off her diaper and pooped but then proceeded to wipe it all over the walls. Comparison isn't always a bad thing.

Images courtesy of mpeterke and lanuiop.

What's more difficult than getting things done with kids underfoot? Getting things done with kids underfoot without feeling guilty for ignoring them!

Finding balance is key: work time, play time, me time, kid time... but soon all those different time sections just merge into one mass of "I don't have enough time" and then - wheeee! - you get to feel guilty for not getting anything done. It's a drag. Let's find a better way to live. (Quick, pack your suitcase and meet me in Terminal A for the next flight to Oahu.)

Here's the Tip List for dealing with a day, a household, a work schedule, a life that refuses to be neat and manageable.

• First thing to remember: Perfection is not a part of the deal.
• Second thing to remember: Quit taking yourself so seriously.
  
• Third thing to remember: What will you remember about these years? Make that important. Let the rest slide.

1. Take 10 minute breaks to focus on the kids and quit thinking about work/housework. You need a play break and they need a break when they can have your attention without interrupting what you're doing. Take 5 or 10 minutes every hour or two and sing a song, dance, play a silly game, sit and talk, read a book, walk the block, color a picture.
2. Expect interruptions. They are inevitable. If you expect them as part of the normal flow of your day, you won't be as irritated. Always give yourself a cushion: allow more time than you really need to complete a task so that the interruptions which will occur when kids are around don't throw you into tailspin.
3. Focus on one task at a time. You're already multitasking; you're a Mom. Don't make it harder on yourself by adding even more. Focus on one single task at a time.
4. Simplify. Challenge yourself to simplify something every single day. Switch to one all-purpose cleaner instead of five different specialty products. Take something off the calendar. Get rid of clutter. Give away the books you don't really want to read.
5. Include your kids in what you're doing when you can; make it clear to them when you can't so they understand the difference. So, if they can have a little cleaning rag and spray bottle and "help" you with housework, let them. If you need to sit at the computer or, say, dismantle a bomb, then just let them know: "Mommy is working by herself right now. You may go ____________. I'll be available in 20 minutes." And then remember Tip #2.
6. Accept spontaneous snuggles. There are never enough, and you will never regret breaking from that blog post or dirty dish or tv show to get one. Schedule in play time for yourself with the kids.
7. Have some extended play time beyond the 5 and 10 minute breaks. It doesn't have to be everyday, but it could be. It doesn't have to be hours long. How about at the end of the afternoon when everyone is kind of tired and cranky and ready for Daddy to get home or dinner to finish cooking or the right show to start or whatever? Grab a board game or head outside to the sprinkler for 20 or 30 minutes. It will do you all good.
8. Lay down the law first thing in the morning; this establishes the tone for the rest of the day. It's time for Mommies everywhere to rise up and take charge! The sooner, the better. It's not fun doling out discipline right after breakfast (or before) but the quicker you are at dealing with bad attitudes and unacceptable behavior, the quicker you'll see a change. It's much more difficult to convince kids you're serious - "No whining for REAL!" - when they've been getting away with it all day long. But catch it in the morning and they'll be very aware - all day long - that you said it and, jiminy cricket, you mean it.
9. Don't attempt intense projects with the kids around. Wait until naptime. For work which requires full concentration, whether household project or business item, wait until you have time alone: nap time, kids over at a friend's house, night time after kids are in bed. You will only be frustrated if you attempt the intense stuff with your children all over the place. You will do a poor job of it and probably end up snapping some unsuspecting child's head off in the process. Remember Tip #2. Yeah. That's why.
10. Talk to them about what you're doing. Whether they can help or not, they can learn. Kids are fascinated by what grown-ups do (up to a certain age, that is). Explain. Show them how things work. Talk to them, even if it's way over their heads. If nothing else, they'll get so bored they'll go find something else to do until you're finished...
11. Take the learning moments as they come. You can't plan everything, even if you and Franklin Covey are, like, BFF. So when spills, messes, upsets, owies, new experiences, questions, needs, and the like arise, take them for what they're worth. A spill at the table is a moment to teach how to hold a cup correctly. A mess in the living room is a good time to review picking up toys. An upset over sharing a toy can be 5-minute training time on saying please and thank you. You get the idea.
12. Give yourself a break. You're doing a great job. Sure, your kids will be weird and warped and not - gasp! - perfect. Welcome to life. But a kid who is loved can overcome all sorts of weirdness and warpedness (is that a word?). So take a breath, relax your shoulder muscles, and enjoy the craziness.

The amazing erupting Mommy volcano...

Being consistent with children is one of the most difficult parts of parenting. We're tired, we're distracted, the bad behavior doesn't seem like a big deal right now. We wait until it becomes a big deal and then we erupt. We train our kids to mess with the Mommy-volcano, to push until more steam comes out the top, and then to beat it for the hills when the lava starts spewing.

Isn't that a great picture of happy home life?

Consistency Is Key

Consistency makes everybody happier. Even if consistency means more discipline for the kids, and it usually does, kids are more secure, more at ease, and more content when they know that the boundaries exist and that they stay in the same place, all the time, no matter what.

And mommies are happier, too. When we have a plan, when we make decisions, and when we stick to what we've said, there is peace. We feel calm and we deal with things in a calm manner. This is far better than letting ourselves build up frustration by not dealing with the problems, then overreacting. You know it's true... We've all done it and we've all regretted it.

Why We Let Things Slide

The tricky part is the day in, day out of being consistent. Life doesn't stand still. It's easy to let things slide because there is other stuff to take care of at the moment. It's also easy to overlook misbehavior or disobedience because it doesn't seem like a big deal. We get tired of being the bad guy. We're the ones home all the time with the little ones and sometimes it's just nicer (we think) to let it go for the moment, or the morning, or the whole day. Daddy can deal with it all when he gets home.

Rules of the House

Here's the answer: house rules. Sit down with your husband and talk about what matters most in your home and with your children. Don't make a long list; five items is plenty to deal with on any given day. What behaviors are driving you crazy? What do your children most need training in? What issue tempts you to be inconsistent most often?

Your house rules will need to be age appropriate, of course. Make them simple, declarative statements, either stating the facts - "We don't hit each other" - or making a direct command - "No hitting." They can be general - "Share with each other" or more specific - "No arguing over which color cup to use at dinner time."

Once you make the rules, decide on an appropriate consequence for each rule if it is broken. There could be the same consequence for every rule or a specific consequence for each one. It depends on your parenting style, your kids, and what your rules are.

Make Yourself Accountable

Now the final and most important step: make a sign, a list, a poster board, a print-out, something with the list of rules and the list of consequences. You could include rewards, too, for a day of "no rule breaking." Everybody loves positive reinforcement and then you get to be the good guy!

Hang that list of rules in an obvious place. Go over it with your children. The younger the children, the more often you need to go over it. For teenagers, once is enough. More will come across as nagging.

Once it's up, you have to live it. Failure to be consistent will be obvious and embarrassing for you, and will deteriorate your authority so don't risk it. Stick to your guns. Even if you let other things slide, the things that aren't on the list, be consistent without exception when it comes to the house rules. You'll find that as you're consistent on those few items, the other misbehaviors will diminish. Consistency in one area has a way of effecting all areas.

It's up to you how long you stick to this particular list. You can add rules as needed or make up an entirely new list every week or every month so that you can work on different areas. The whole time you are using this list to train your kids, you are training yourself to be consistent. And that makes life easier and home a lot more peaceful and a lot more fun. Beats a volcano eruption any day.

Images courtesy of z2amiller and CJ Sorg and roland.