SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

The first step is admitting you have a problem. And this is your problem. You have an assumption. A basic, unconscious assumption about life:

Everything is going to be okay.

Not to rain on your parade, but, well, your definition of okay and the reality of what actually happens in your life are not going to line up.
Bad things will happen to you. Sometimes because of you, sometimes because of other people, sometimes just because. No good reason that you can see.

We don't acknowledge the truth that things aren't always going to be okay. Instead, we drift along with this mentality of inevitable triumph, regardless of the signs telling us otherwise. And we reinforce this (false) idea in each other.

• "Don't worry, everything will work out."
• "You'll figure it out."
• "Things will get better."

There is, however, no guarantee of things working out or getting better or even not getting worse. When you assume that no matter what, it's all gonna be okay in the end, you remove personal responsibility from the picture. You also remove reality from the picture.

Drop the Okay Lie

The Okay lie: You assume your kids are going to turn out okay... so you don't take your job as a parent seriously, you let things slide, you don't deal with bad attitudes when they first appear. The result: your kids end up rebellious, unhappy, and lost and you shake your head and wonder how that happened.

The Okay lie: You assume that if you work hard and don't mess up too bad, you'll end up with a good career and stable finances.... so you don't pay attention to economic problems, industry lay-offs, small business closings, cutbacks, or even the great opportunities (involving risk) that come along. You don't take charge of your own career/money in a proactive way. The result: you become a victim of economic shifts and don't know what hit you until you're 6 months into unemployment.

The Okay lie: [here's one from my personal experience] You assume that your cancer-stricken Mom will make it. She'll fight it off, the chemo will work, she'll get better, and she'll be there in your life the way you expect, and God won't let her die yet. Life is a right, after all, and God owes us this much. Right? The result: When you lose something that matters this much, you can't avoid being shaken. But if your core belief is "I deserve an okay life and God better work it out," then the not-okay stuff will shake you through the center and put your very faith in God into question. I spent a year not sure if I wanted to believe in God again. I finally came to this conclusion (basic, I know, but it took me a while): Life is a gift, not a right. The good things that we receive are blessings, privileges, not automatic rights that we can demand.

Rights vs. Gifts

It goes against Western culture to talk about our inalienable rights not being rights. But the concept is bigger than government-for-the-people; it's more about created-and-Creator.

"Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?'
Does your work say, 'He has no hands'? Woe to him who says to his father, 'What have you begotten?' or to his mother, 'What have you brought to birth?'
Isaiah 45: 9-10

Now, here's the good news.

You can't (and shouldn't) walk around expecting Death to drop on your head at any moment. You can't live in fear (well, you can, but it won't be much of a life).
But when you drop the everything is going to be okay just because belief system, you can handle what does happen much better. Pretty quickly, you'll see that 99% of life falls into 1 of 2 categories:

1. Stuff you can control
2. Stuff you can't control

For the first category, losing the Okay Lie means you start taking responsibility for what you can control (how you parent, what you do with your money) and doing your best at it. Guaranteed better results with that approach, no matter what the area is.

Riches, Peace, and Freedom

For the second category, losing the Okay Lie means two things:

First, you start receiving every good day, every good things as a gift, a blessing, a privilege. You are thankful. You are grateful. You see how rich your life is, already. [Guess how thankful I am for good health. And for the fact that I have my Dad and sister. And for a mother-in-law and a stepmom who are such loving grandmoms to my kids.]
Second, you start trusting God the way He should be trusted, as Creator, not as giant-Santa-in-the-sky. And with that trust comes peace and freedom. Peace: I don't have to fight the inevitable truth that I will experience pain. I just have to remember to come to God with my pain. Freedom: I don't have to be in control of the things that I can't control. It's beyond my ability to guarantee a good life for myself and the ones I love. I am free to live, do my best, and trust God with whatever else happens.

Everything is not going to be okay. But that's okay.

GRACE:

seemingly effortless beauty of movement, form, or proportion. ...A sense of fitness or propriety. ...Good will, mercy, clemency. ...A temporary immunity or exemption; reprieve. ...Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.

GRACIOUS:

Marked by kindness and warm courtesy. Tactful. Merciful or compassionate. Marked by elegance and good taste.

Speak what distributes grace to those who hear. {Ephesians 4:29}

Grow in grace. {2 Peter 3:18}

A gracious woman retains honor. {Proverbs 11:16}

But he giveth more grace. {James 4:6}

God giveth grace to the humble. {1 Peter 5:5}

Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord. {2 Peter 1:2}

...it is upon the mothers of the present that the future depends... because it is the mothers who have the sole direction of the children's early, most impressible years.

...And they [must] take it [motherhood] up as their profession - that is, with the same diligence, regularity, and punctuality which men bestow on their professional labours.

Nothing is trivial that concerns a child.

{Charlotte Mason, Home Education}

Image courtesy of adreson.

I keep waiting to feel motivated, energetic, high on possibility so I can get going. But it's going to be action that creates motivation, not the other way around. My actions today will create my life for all the tomorrows.
(I keep repeating motivational phrases like that to myself but that's not really working either.)

Zeke is sleeping rather well at night; he usually gets a last feeding at 9 or 10, when I go to bed, and then wakes up once around 1 and again around 4.  I'm hopeful we can work our way past needing that 1 a.m. feeding pretty quickly. It's kind of an unpleasant interruption in the middle of dreams, and it cuts the sleep really short, especially if I don't go to sleep right after I feed him at 9 or 10. Which I hardly ever do...

I'm so much more relaxed with him, far more than with Mara and even more than with Robbie as a newborn. I'm not sure what the difference is. Maybe letting go of some perfectionism. Maybe trusting myself as a mother more. It helps to look at Mara and Robbie and think, "Hmm, they're happy. They're healthy. They're relatively well-behaved. We must be doing okay."

Actually what I'm struggling most with is staying consistent with Mara and Robbie while caring for Zeke. Since they are relatively well-behaved most of the time, I tend to just let little things slide. But then those little things become habitual behaviors, and I know they're not good. How do you stay consistent and motivated when it's not a BIG deal?

Yesterday I could hardly get Robbie to come when I called him, and he was crying (his version of pitching a fit) every time I told him no on anything. We were with my sister-in-law and niece at her house, then out at MacDonald's - it wasn't really the time for a training session. But obviously I've been letting some things go over the last few days if he feels comfortable with ignoring my commands. How do I see that coming? How do I keep myself consistent with him?

Perhaps I will put a Post-It on his forehead today, saying something like, "Hey, Mom, PAY ATTENTION!"

Ideas? Help?

Challenge Update: Didn't Hear the Alarm Day. Ugh. Three days in a row without success. I can feel it eating away at my resolve. It's time for some reminders of motivation.

If you have an hour, will you not improve that hour, instead of idling it away?
Lord Chesterfield

Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow.
Doug Firebaugh

Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.
Robert Collier

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will.
Vince Lombardi

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle

Improve Your Life: If you (like me) are having difficulty getting up in the morning, try a different set up for your alarm lock. Perhaps you need to purchase a new one, with a louder or different alarm sound, or perhaps you should move yours to a different location (where the snooze button is out of your arm's reach). You could also try getting an alarm that will play cds, and burn one on your computer with songs that help motivate you. Little changes can make a big difference.

Be Open-Minded: Are you taking responsibility for the "little failures" in your day? It is easy to put blame on circumstances or other people, but it is only in taking responsibility that you find the power to change.

Create a definite plan for carrying out your desire and begin at once, whether you are ready or not, to put this plan into action. Napoleon Hill

The quote above is the antidote to the plague of perfectionism that keeps so many of us in a place of continual dissatisfaction and failure to reach our goals. We are waiting until we are ready, until the moment is right, until everything is in place, until Situation A is resolved and Situation B is over and Situation C is no longer demanding our time.

Conditions are never just right. People who delay action until all factors are favourable do nothing. William Feather

Waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting until we feel ready. Waiting for energy. Waiting for motivation. Waiting for certain conditions. We call it prudence, or thoughtfulness, or planning, or timing. The Bible calls it being a sluggard.

The sluggard will not plow by reason of the cold... Prov. 20:4

The sluggard always has a reason why now is not the right time. The sluggard never has enough energy to get himself moving. He doesn't feel good. He is depressed. He has many ideas but no movement. He has grand intentions but never takes action. He cannot produce the force necessary to get him out of the rut he lives in and onto the road he envisions.

As the door turneth upon his hinges, so [doth] the slothful upon his bed. Prov. 26:14

We call it perfectionism; the Bible calls it being slothful and warns us of the consequences:

The soul of the sluggard desireth, and [hath] nothing... Prov. 13:4

We think of lazy people as those with no ambition, no dreams, no ideas, no plans. Not true. Lazy, or slothful, or sluggish, simply means, respectively, to be disinclined to action, to be inactive, or to be habitually inactive and slow. One who is sluggish has no power to move himself.

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.
Wayne Dyer

The pull of perfectionism is the pull to stay still. Motivation lies in taking action: one step leads to another. Progress creates more progress. You must learn to take action even when you don't feel like it. You create the energy you need by acting as if you have it before you feel it.

Faith follows facts, and feelings follow faith. Too often we get that process all in reverse. We wait for the feelings; then we start to believe; then we assume that, since we feel it, and believe it, it must be true after all. But what if you stop "feeling it"? Suddenly your faith is shaky because the foundation - those ever-changing feelings - is shaky. Feelings change. Faith crumbles. You are back at the beginning. It must not be true after all. "I guess I wasn't supposed to start that business." "I guess I'm not really a writer." "I guess it just wasn't meant to be."

Get your facts first. Are you, or aren't you? Do you want it, or don't you? Is it worth it, or isn't it? Can you do it, or not? Is it a real desire? Have you made it a real goal, whatever it is? Whether it is a career change, a lifestyle change, a health issue, a new habit to form or an old habit to break, a relationship to evaluate, or a personal goal to achieve, you must take the time to find out what is true. Weigh the pros and cons. Discuss the matter with wise people you trust. Read about the subject. Pray about it. Determine what the goal is and how you best to get there; determine that you should and will get there.

Build your faith next. Be firmly convinced in your mind that the object you mean to pursue is worth pursuing, then just as firmly reject any suggestions to the contrary. Do not allow negativism, other's opinions, and temporary obstacles to create doubt of what you know to be true. Begin taking action. "Faith without works is dead" is not trite religious phraseology. Take one step and then another. Persist.

The feelings will follow. You may not feel like a successful writer; feelings are irrelevant. If, after thought and deliberation, you determined that you should and will be a successful writer; if you begin taking action consistently toward that goal; if you do not allow discouragement and daily life to sway you, soon you will begin to experience the feelings that you expect.

Success seems to be connected to action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit. - Conrad Hilton

Keep moving forward. Do not allow the pull of sluggishness to keep you down. The warnings are there if you do - you will not see your desire accomplished. The promises are there if you refuse to give in:

...The soul of the diligent shall be made prosperous. Prov. 13:4

Motivational quotations from Goal Setting Guide.

Scripture quotations from Blue Letter Bible.

Image courtesy of thegoldguys.blogspot.com/ or www.lumaxart.com/.