SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

Today begins a new month and my next monthly challenge.

I'm ready for a challenge and excited about how this one will help me get closer to some long-held goals. I've noticed that most of my personal challenges related to time and how I manage (or mismanage) it. Same with this month's: my challenge for February is to work 25 hours a week. On business (writing and web work). Every Mom works far more than 25 hours a week doing Mom-stuff; we don't need a challenge for that sort of thing, unless it might be a challenge to do less.

25 hours a week of business work is going to require some good sticking-to-a-scheduleness, which I'm not good at. I make great schedules, but I don't use them well. One day I will pull all the pages out of the old planners stuffed into bookcases and wallpaper a room with them. It will be my annotated life history.
Joe and I were talking last night about doubt and how it sabotages our lives. We let it. I set high goals for myself, and not two minutes later I start questioning: "Who am I to think I can do this?"

I'm Super Woman, that's who I am!

Except for the leotard. And the super powers. And except that I know I am not. I know that there's a good reason for doubt (really? is there?) because I do have limits, and I do fail. How often do I fail because of doubts? They tend to be self-fulfilling prophecies.
Women tend to multitask; women who happen to be wives & mommies & worker-bees, whether at home or in an outside job, multiply their multitasking. Quadrupletask? Sometimes we multi(quadrupli)taskers need to step back, say no, take a break, simplify. Well and good.

But doubt is not a good thing. (Doughnuts are, though.) I may not be able to achieve all my goals, but then again, maybe I can. Successful people are the ones who go for it, taking for granted that they'll acquire the abilities and resources needed as they go. (This is not a blanket justification for taking out large loans on faith that you'll have the ability to pay it back as needed; just want to clear that up.) You can never be perfectly prepared, or perfectly anything. Sometimes you just have to take the risk and figure it out as you go along.

I don't want to fail because I talk myself out of trying. Reaching goals is difficult. Resistance always shows up in, in its various toxic forms. It's my job to squish the resistance, not feed it cookies and give it a warm bed right next to mine.

Once again, this month's challenge is my opportunity to change the habits that hold me back. I hear plenty of opinions and cultural idioms that encourage mediocrity, complacency. It starts way back in school when one year, instead of getting an A and waving around your gold star running home to show Mom, you get an A and quietly turn your paper over so the kid next to you doesn't notice and tease.

Opinions and cultural idioms are notoriously inaccurate. I have a feeling there's a greater motive behind all those voices, and it's not rational; it's fear. Fear of failure, yes, and fear of someone else succeeding, showing us it can be done, raising the standard.

We rarely expect enough from ourselves. We never demand it. Your version of success is, I'm sure, not the same as mine, but it requires the same kind of fundamental change to reach it. We have to stop expecting, and accepting, less from ourselves. We are capable of more.

How will you challenge yourself to be more this month?

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Image Credits

Hourglass photo courtesy of bogenfreund on Flickr; Superwoman Cartoon courtesy of Inspiration Line.

Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself. Rabbi Abraham Heschel ( source) Update (Tuesday): 35 minutes cardio (walking).I find myself continually missing the stretch/tone part of this exercise challenge. Let me rephrase. I continually choose to neglect the stretch/tone part of this exercise challenge.

See how easy it is to make yourself a victim?

Discipline. We have misconceptions about discipline. We perceive it negatively, as connoting deprivation, pain, denial. Things we do not like and never desire. Like a root canal.

You probably don't like going to see the dentist. (Unless, perchance, you are married to a dentist.) So you brush your teeth, floss, use mouthwash, chew gum. This is discipline, the instructive side.

If you didn't instruct yourself (teeth need to be cleaned, flossing is good, plaque is bad), equip yourself (toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash), and apply yourself, you might end up with a cavity. Maybe even a root canal. Lots of wasted time, discomfort, pain, and a nice chunk of money. That's the corrective side of discipline.

To discipline means to train. To be a disciple is to be one who learns, one who is trained. The nature of teeth, of sugar, and of tooth decay trains me in the right way to care for my teeth so I don't lose them. I can foresee the possible consequences of neglect and prevent them; or I can blithely ignore them and endure the results.

Wisdom is looking ahead, getting instruction, equipping yourself to follow the instruction, and applying it to avoid negative consequences before they occur. Wisdom is brushing your teeth.

It's not all about avoiding bad stuff. To stretch our example to the limit: brushing my teeth gives me fresh, minty breath, and healthy gums, and strong, clean teeth, and the ability to masticate unhindered. Somehow, though, the avoidance of what is bad motivates us more than the existence of what is good. We take what we already have for granted. It often takes a consequence, a loss, pain, before we recognize value. We may be able to recover and regain what we've lost, and go on wiser. Sometimes we can't.

The universe conspires to discipline us toward life. Examples in nature, plants, animals show us simple principles to apply. Corrective consequences show us what not to do. Don't touch the hot stove; you'll get burned. Don't date the bad man; you'll get burned.

Successful lives and relationships, peaceful countries, prosperous years: they are instructors. As are personal failures, wars, poverty. The demonstrated consequences of ignoring principles of life should be enough. They are, if we choose to listen. If not, we will experience our own failure and war and poverty.

It's far better to take advantage of that instructive side of discipline. We can be proactive. We can stop many negative consequences from touching our lives. We can bring good things in by the choices we make in heeding and applying the instruction. We can be disciplined before we are disciplined.

Resources: Read some more quotations on discipline. Write a few down and post them on your bathroom mirror, your refrigerator, by your computer, in your car.

Read what the Bible has to say about discipline. A great practice is reading from the book of Proverbs daily. If a chapter is too much, try a verse. Or go here for a verse-by-verse explanation of the Proverbs or to search the proverbs topically.

Tip: When you read a quote or a proverb that specifically addresses something in your life that you know you need to change, take a few minutes and memorize the line. Review it daily. It doesn't take long. You could always do that while you're brushing your teeth...

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. Mark Twain

Update (Monday): 5 minutes stretching; 40 minutes cardio (walk through town with one kid in the stroller & one in the carrier).

On Writing:
It takes a certain amount of audacity to be a writer. You have to overcome the tendency toward self-degradation. Who I am that I have anything worthwhile to say? Why should people pay attention to me? Well, maybe they shouldn't, but nobody else is writing what I'm thinking. Maybe they're thinking it, too. Maybe I'm not original or wise or witty. But I'm the only one willing to put it on paper and judge what it's worth. Once that's done, once it is written, we can all disregard it as we please. But I can't disregard it until it is written.

On Saying No: (from Alexandra Stoddard's book Making Choices).

Nothing materializes without a program. ...The essence of no is to have priorities and keep them in order.

No has a negative ring to many, but if we don't look at it clearly and use it, we will lose the opportunity to discipline ourselves, to manage our own affairs.

No saves you from the dangerous myth that you're indispensable.

No is not negative; it actively leads to the positive. My own struggle to accept certain restrictions on my time, energy, and money have helped me reach my goals.

Tip: Write something today. Say no to something you normally say yes to today.

What we hope ever to do with ease we may learn first to do with diligence. Samuel Johnson

Update (Saturday): 20 minutes cardio (running around, pushing Mara and my niece up and down a hill in a little car).

Just as I get to the "end in sight" on my somewhat sporadic exercise challenge month, I am thinking I will start it over again. (You may think some cliched phrase like "glutton for punishment" here, but I don't want to actually put that in my writing. Cliches are so evil, after all. In fact, it's really a cliche that they are evil...)

I picked up a book at the library sale the other day. It's one of an apparent series: The 28 Day Plan by Christine Green. This one is called Get Fit for the Beach. I'm hoping that if I follow the 28-Day GET FIT FOR THE BEACH! plan, at the end of it I will be magically transported to said sparkling, pristine beach. (Did you catch the clichs in that paragraph? There were two.)

I'm a sucker for 28 day plans, or 30 day plans, or 21 day plans, or monthly challenges. The beach premise is also pretty thrilling. We'll see. I shall review and report. Maybe I would do better with a book titled "Get Fit for the Midwest!" but I see why that wouldn't be a great seller.

Resources: I couldn't find anything online for the book except for the publisher's website, which doesn't itself have much information but you can watch a little scrolling slide show of all their adult reference titles.

Tip: I don't think I can say it any better than Samuel Johnson:

Don't think of retiring from the world until the world will be sorry that you retire. I hate a fellow whom pride or cowardice or laziness drives into a corner, and who does nothing when he is there but sit and growl. Let him come out as I do, and bark.

When a country is rebellious, it has many rulers, but a man of understanding and knowledge maintains order. Proverbs 28:2

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions. Albert Einstein Challenge Update (Friday): 30 minutes cardio (walking). I got in a little stretching and toning, too, random lunges and squats and Kegels and some Tupler ab squeezes. Resources: After my first pregnancy, I read the book Lose Your Mummy Tummy by Julie Tupler. It's worth a read, or you can just check out the Tupler Technique online. I haven't been very faithful in these (my tummy would be flatter if I had), so I won't post pictures of my great six-pack abs produced by these exercises. I do recommend them, especially for post-partum exercise but also for anyone who wants to tone and flatten the belly. If you're pregnant, this book on Maternal Fitness (also by Tupler) looks worthwhile.

I'm a big fan of the Bradley Method for actual delivery and coaching methods. Check out Husband-Coached Childbirth by Dr. Bradley himself, or Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way, an updated version with lots of specific coaching help.Tip: Kegels and Tupler moves are great for any woman, whether you've never had children or vaguely remember having children or are trying to breastfeed one right now while you read this and try to move the mouse without disturbing your baby! Both the Kegels and Tupler moves are easy, can be done anywhere, anytime, without anyone knowing, and will produce great results if you're diligent with them. Try it for long enough to make it a habit... then you'll keep doing them without even trying.Remove the dross from the silver, and out comes material for the silversmith. Proverbs 25:4

I think there is something, more important than believing: Action! The world is full of dreamers, there aren't enough who will move ahead and begin to take concrete steps to actualize their vision. W. Clement Stone

(An aside: a great quotation above other than using the word "actualize." I'm not a fan of it.)

After a week away from posting, I have returned with slightly sunburned arms and slightly stretched muscles. I got in some good walking - it's the exercise that takes you anywhere! - but my abs are suffering from a failure to incorporate sexy-abs-situps into my vacation routine. Alas. I'll get right on that.

A week away is good for one's perspective on things, usually. This trip, however, I returned feeling a little muddled. I think it was just... well. I really don't know what it was just. It just was, but I'm muddling through the muddle. This day, home is a clarifying place. (Ironic that I'm at the library as I write this, not at home.)

Challenge Update (review of the week 17 - 25):

Day 17 (Thursday): Ran around the house packing, cleaning, laundering, stressing, calling random people, checking the mail too often, paying bills, sitting down, standing up, playing with Mara, repacking, forgetting things, worrying about forgetting things, making a list, losing a list, finding a list, ad infinitum. Wearily she falls into bed... Read the rest of this entry »

We have a flow of ideas, sometimes a tremendous flow of ideas, at times in one direction, or at other times in another direction; or perhaps even ten directions at once. And we have to make a choice. We cannot do everything that comes into our minds, nor can we create everything that comes into our imaginations... There is choice involved in the very simplest form of creativity, because as any set of possibilities comes into our minds, we have to choose. Edith Schaeffer, The Hidden Art of Homemaking

Update (Wednesday): 30 minutes cardio (walking); 10 minutes toning (tai chi, sort of).

The kids and I went to the park again. I am taking advantage of every clear blue spring day that we have, before the temperature reaches those unbearable heights as it soon will. I am not a fan of summer. Ick.

But right now, April is fresh and green and warm without being sticky. And getting - just getting - to the park is a great work out. 17-pound Robbie is in the Baby Bjorn carrier, strapped to me; 30-pound Mara is in the umbrella stroller with the little wheels that must be half-pushed, half-carried across the large grassy field we cross to get to the park; 25-pound Bag'O'Necessities is on my right arm, and 150-pound Dakota's leash is looped on my left wrist. By the time we cross that field and I drop the bag under the tree by the walking path, I feel like I've been on an two-week-long African safari. Whew.

After I recover a bit from the journey to the park, we walk the loop two or three times. It's a half-mile walking path, so I get in a mile or so. And Mara likes the kiddie swings, and we definitely must get a drink from the water fountain, and we need to stop by the big puddle so Dakota can also have a drink... then I spread out the blanket and collapse onto it.

I love living next door to a park. I love living in our small town. I love piling the kids in the stroller and taking off, waving at people I know as they drive by, stopping to chat with our neighbors, going into the little library or grocery store, heading back home by way of the ice cream stand (only open summers).

I love that our neighbors don't mind that we take a long time to finish house projects, that sometimes the weeds are bigger than the tomato plants in our garden, that our dog howls whenever he hears a siren, that sometimes I do tai chi in the front yard while waiting for Joe to get home. My version of tai chi, anyway... No one seems to notice, or mind if they do notice. Perhaps I could start a tai chi class; every Wednesday night we could gather on the front yard and become more fit and flexible while providing entertainment for the parents of the young softball players, heading to the fields at the end of our street.

Contact me if you're interested... or if you know anything about tai chi.

Resources: Read about the history and practice of Tai Chi. Come on, you know you're crazy curious now. Or learn more about L'Abri, the Christian community which Edith Schaeffer founded with her husband, Francis Schaeffer. Or read this article about creativity in the home that corresponds with the E. quotation above.

Tip: Pick one or two ideas from this list and do it. We all need more creativity.

I will be on "vacation" from the 17th through the 24th for two family weddings; if I'm able to update while I'm away, I will. If not, then life will continue on, the planets will turn as they always do, and somehow the internet will survive my brief absence.

"If your career is raising a family, you know how essential it is to be a conscientious person because you influence the atmosphere and character of everything around you. It is enormously satisfying to be good at what you do and enjoy the process. If you make the decision to stay home to raise your children, let your children know through your actions how much fun you're having. Do exciting projects with them, have a good time each day, teach them through example how exciting life can be. Whatever you decide to do, tackle it with the understanding that your personal vision is unique and you can make a contribution no one else can make. Be true to what you believe is right for you. Alexandra Stoddard, Daring to Be Yourself.

Update (Wednesday): 30 minutes cardio, tilling the garden.

Joe brought home a tiller from work. I love this machine. I would polish it and keep it in my bedroom, but he had to take it back to work. I feel like I've lost a limb.

So my cardio on Wednesday was using the YARD BOSS to till up my garden. It took about 40 minutes or so to make it through the weed-infested 10x30 area. By the time I finished, my shoes were muddy, mosquitoes were in my hair, my hands were trembling from the continual vibration of the tiller. I loved it. I would have kept going but it was too dark to see the ground.

Love what you do and every moment is joy. (Note: I did not say "Do what you love." That is a rather different and less productive goal.)

Resources: Go here, read a bit, look at pictures, soak in the inspiration. Then go to your local co-op, feed store, farmer's hangout, or if you must, Wal-Mart. Get some seeds. Really, that's all. Do you have dirt at home? Water? A little patch of earth, or a bucket, or a crate? You're set. Come home with your seeds and make a garden, a tiny one or a big one, in the ground or on your windowsill. Just get some dirt under your fingernails.

Tip: Do clean your fingernails before dinner...

Work is an opportunity to bring something forth - to create something, complete something, invent something original and authentic. Alexandra Stoddard, Daring to Be Yourself.

Update (Tuesday): 40 minutes cardio (walk through town); 8 minutes stretching.

We fight against work. Our American culture celebrates days off, relaxation, vacation, rest, television, games, sports, contests of any kind, races, entertainment: not work, not any more.

Work is a punishment to us, a drudgery we must get through to get to the "good stuff" of life. Books like The 4-Hour Workweek and the popularity of passive income rise from this mindset. Of course, it's great if you can work more reasonable hours and spend more time with your family. And I am all for the idea of generating income through any ethical means you can. (You might notice the ads on this website...) If you are producing anyway, why not attempt to make money? It's good sense.

But the obsession that I notice, the one that worries me, is not that people want to simplify a bit or be smarter about how they earn money for bills; simplifying and smart earning are potential steps to improving your life. What is not a step toward life improvement is the "I-hate-work" attitude.

What's to hate about work? We've all had jobs, at one time or another, that didn't suit us, perhaps, that were far more drudge than delight. Maybe we hated those jobs. In high school, I hated babysitting. I liked the kids, because I was very picky about who I chose to babysit for. But I hated the times - nights and weekends - when I had to be away from my family, cozy at home or doing fun things without me. Even though I hated babysitting, though, I got the work concept and I liked it: I give you my time, service, or product, and you pay me. An equitable exchange. I put up with the timing I didn't like because work was worth it.

In college, I waitressed (among other things). I hated those hours too, nights and weekends again, but I loved the work when it was busy and I was running, jumping, talking, smiling, being efficient, making people happy, working. I hated being there on slow lunches during the week, or on dead holiday nights when everybody in my college town was out of town. Four or five tables, four or five hours of looking for something to fix, or clean, or make, or do, and twenty bucks in my pocket when I walked out? The immediate problem seemed to be not enough pay; the real problem was not enough work. Lack of work created lack of pay.

And that's the problem with many passive income ideas, and with almost all get-rich-quick schemes. The nature of work is that you produce something of value to generate a fair income. An equitable exchange. Value for value. Passive income can work if you create value that will last and can be used over and over again, as in getting royalties from a book or rent from an apartment complex. But expecting to generate income from no value almost always leads you toward unethical "work": spamming, cheating, plagiarizing, defrauding, etc.

"It is not that men are ill fed, but that they have no pleasure in the work by which they make their bread, and therefore look to wealth as the only means of pleasure." John Ruskin, Stones of Venice.

We buy into ideas that don't make sense and can't, ethically, make us money, because we have not learned to value work for its own sake. We think of work as nothing more than a frustrating job we wish we could afford to lose. Money seems like the answer.

The real answer is finding the work you love by learning to love work.

Resources: The best place to start is in the Bible, book of Genesis, first two chapters. Here we see man and woman, in a perfect world, freshly created. Here we watch God give them their instructions: work. Work is not a result of sin, didn't come as a punishment after man's fall (though it did change, and that's part of our problem); work was something for which we were created.

Tip: Determine your own attitude toward work, whether it's a weekend job, a full-time career, or an endless stream of laundry, cooking, cleaning, organizing, and teaching. Do you strive to get through stuff so you can get to the good stuff? Are you cheating yourself out of the delight and fulfillment that come from doing your work with zeal and a standard of excellence?

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1