So my sister just started a blog, which I thoroughly enjoy reading.
Her post today is especially thought-provoking. Here’s a blip from that radar:
“I’m talking about that fine line between being a wife, a mother and not losing who you are as a person. It is far to easy to disappear in the daily routine. The endless parade of dirty mouths, hands, and bottoms that need to be wiped. Sippy cups that need to be filled, beds to be made, floors to clean, meals to cook, and before I know it the day is over and I haven’t taken 5 minutes for myself. And I begin to feel invisible. That I’m not seen for me, but rather for what I do. It’s not easy to find time for yourself.”
Ow. Yeah. That’s me on a lot of days. And then what else do I do? I decide, I need to do something for myself, something beyond Mommy duty (which we all love, yes, but which is not the sum of our being). So I start, oh, fifteen enormous projects. A freelance writing career. A business with my husband. A basement remodel.
And then I wonder why I’m not more relaxed.
Will I ever learn? I like working so much that I just keep piling on more work until I begin to hate work because I am overwhelmed by it. I’m missing a balance that I desperately crave, and so to find it I pile more on my list: get organized, de-clutter, buy a new planner, go through my notes, get some budgeting software, clean out my closet. Yeah, that helps a lot.
A friend from church, Fritzi, is a
time management consultant. I was reading
an article on her site about finding time for your husband, and this bit just struck me:
“It grieves me to see mothers frazzled, disorganized, frustrated, and defeated when the Lord wants to make our burdens light and give us order, grace and dignity in our lives for His glory. If this typifies one’s life style and mode of operation, something is out of balance and they are carrying burdens the Lord did not call them to take upon themselves.”
Hmm. “Carrying burdens the Lord did not call them to take upon themselves.” Burdens like being the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect sister, perfect daughter, perfect friend, perfect entrepreneur, perfect writer. At this point I’d just settle for pretty good mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, entrepreneur, writer. It seems impossible, though, to get it all happening at the same time. If I focus and start feeling like I’m making progress in one area, I give myself a little nod of congratulations and then realize I’ve neglected something just as important. Do you do that? I start feeling really good about spending time with my husband, talking, actually having a date… and then I realize I haven’t called my best friend, emailed my Dad, or spent much time with the kids all week. So the next week I am on it: I’m calling, I’m emailing, I’m playing, and at the end of the day I realize I’ve gotten no work done, I’ve written nothing, and I’m way behind.
So what’s the answer? How do I find balance? How do I set these priorities? How do I find time for myself? How do I pursue my interests and keep the household functioning? What’s most important right now: husband? kids? friends? family? work? This is why people get Prozac. (Just an aside: I heard on the radio that there are about 350,000 dogs on Prozac in the U.S. I really don’t know what to say to that, except… it’s the end of the world as we know it.)
Here’s what my sister says (and I think it’s smart):
“So how do you balance the demands of motherhood, being a wife and being a person? Take 10! that’s my motto. I had to learn how to think smaller. …I’m learning to take 10 minutes here and there for myself. It may be simply to be in a room alone.”
Here’s what Fritzi says (and I think it’s smart):
“Set some time aside, like it is an appointment you must keep, and get away for an hour or so to spend time making a list of what you believe God has called you to do and what you perceive could be eliminated from your weekly schedule of events. …Schedule time weekly to plan your week’s work and extra activities and then scale down from there.”
I’m already thinking of some obligations I need to eliminate. Most of them are self-imposed. It’s not other people who want too much of me, it’s me who wants too much of me. As much as I wish I could blame somebody else when my day is too full and my life is too stressed, it comes back down to my decisions. Those not-very-smart ones.
A good friend told me some years ago that every Yes means a No. If she says Yes to something that takes her away from her home and family, she is saying No to being with her children or taking care of her home. Sometimes that’s necessary and good. Domestic life is not the sole purpose of our existence, people, and we do need to realize that. If I say yes to every organizing, decorating, child-training, cooking idea I come up with, well, I’ll have to say a big no to everything else. That’s not balance.
This afternoon, instead of trying to smash my way through a list that’s far too long, I’m going to take some good advice. I’m going to take ten, and then I’m going to think about what I can eliminate. I don’t want the best to be consumed by the good. I don’t want the tyranny of the urgent to
obfuscate the important. I don’t want to be invisible.
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Image Credit:
IBABuzz.com.
I’m so much more relaxed with him, far more than with Mara and even more than with Robbie as a newborn. I’m not sure what the difference is. Maybe letting go of some perfectionism. Maybe trusting myself as a mother more. It helps to look at Mara and Robbie and think, “Hmm, they’re happy. They’re healthy. They’re relatively well-behaved. We must be doing okay.”
{from 14 April 2009} Last night we had a date night at the Park Board meeting… and took Zeke along, just for good measure. The ladies did the grandmotherly ooh-aah, the men cleared their throats, and we got down to business. Park business.