SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

There are two kinds of women in the world: those who can wear high heels and those who can't.
But that has nothing to do with this article. Let's start over.

There are two kinds of women in the world: those whose sex drive is weaker than their husbands' and those whose sex drive is stronger than their husbands'.

There's a possibility of a third, minority group of women whose luck in life is to have a sex drive exactly matched by their husbands', but I've yet to meet one. Or maybe I've met one and I just didn't realize it, because that's not the sort of thing you write on your name tag. "Hello, I'm Louise and I'm one of the few happy women whose sex drive is spot on with her husband!" Yeah. It would make for a large name tag, and they always make your lapel look goofy as it is. If you're wearing something with lapels, that is, which these days is as rare as a steak that's still mooing.

Anyway, back to the two kinds of women.
Right off the bat you know which one you are, don't you? That's okay, though, you don't have to tell me. I've conducted a survey, and according to the non-scientific results of my poll, it seems that each scenario is equally common. Yeah, you read that right, you sex-crazed women.

You're not weird or anything, we're just dealing with the residual effect of a fifties-Americana housewife stereotype. You know, the gal who was always baking a pie or vacuuming or holding her new wonder-cleaning product in well-manicured hands. The one whose smile always had that gleaming tooth. The one who most definitely never initiated sex. That one. I just have one thing to say about her:
Why do you think she was always wearing a skirt?

Ponder that.

There's no real rocket science to this subject matter. It's really just another look into the way you're different than the man you married. Either he wants sex more often than you do, or you want sex more often than he does. And, as with all differences that exist between a woman and her husband, this one is superb for generating miscommunication, hurt feelings, anger, frustration, and large expenditures on new lingerie. Not that the last one's a bad thing, necessarily...

Here's where it gets touchy, though. (Touchy... get it? Ha, ha, ha...wait. Why am I the only one laughing?) People seem to have a hard time talking about sex. (Hard time... get... oh never mind.) Well, people talk about sex all the time, actually. They make jokes about it, have casual conversations about it, make endless innuendos about it... but when it comes to a real, honest talk about it with their mate-for-life? AH! Shame, embarrassment, chagrin, fear, stress. The crassness of our culture gives us an infinite supply of dirty jokes and sexual stereotypes, but it doesn't give us any real ways of talking about sex.

Try having a serious conversation about sex and see how many terms come to mind that are demeaning or humorous or just make you feel like a 5th-grader.

The thing is, sex makes us vulnerable. Our culture treats it lightly (and crassly) as a way of covering up the vulnerability without abstaining from the sex. Well, that's great for them (though I have my doubts about the effectiveness of the method) but for two people who are married, vulnerability isn't something we need to avoid. And if we could come to terms with being vulnerable, we could have the conversations we need to have.

Something like this:

The wife whose husband wants sex more often than she does might say, "Honey, I love you and I want you, but I don't want you all the time. I don't know how to explain that because I'm afraid you'll feel hurt or rejected or unwanted, but that's not it at all. I'm just not built the same as you, and sometimes I can't respond the same way you do. I need you to give me a way to be who I am without feeling guilty, angry, and resentful. I need you to help me find the time and the way to switch from being busy, working, stressed to just being with you. Sometimes it takes me a while to get there. It doesn't mean I don't want or need you, it just means I need your patience and understanding."

The wife whose husband wants sex less often than she does might say, "Honey, I love you and I know you want me, but when I initiate and you're not interested I feel so rejected. I know we're different people, but my self-esteem and identity as a woman is all tied up in how sexy you think I am. When you're not interested in sex and I am, I feel rejected not just as your wife but as a woman. I start questioning everything about myself - my looks, my body, my desirability, your love, my sex appeal. I really need affirmation from you. I need help to understand that you still find me appealing and desirable, but you need time to switch gears, too."

I don't know. What if we could have conversations like that? What if we could broach the subject without being silly or oversensitive? Would that change things? Would it improve our relationships? I think so. I think it would remove much of the stress. And I think if some of the stress were removed from the whole subject, we would have a lot more fun.

Fun is good.

Oh, by the way, did you figure out which kind of woman I am?

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Images courtesy of mistress_f and x ray delta one.

The story of our marriage begins back in the 1990s.

Okay, actually further back than that, in the 1980s, when a very young Joe had a crush on the little red-headed neighbor girl, and a very young Annie, miles away, decided she wanted to marry a brown-eyed Italian boy when she grew up.

Then they met.

They were both 14, or thereabouts, full of awkward adolescence, trying to be cool. Joe was a kind but rebel skateboarder, with deep brown eyes and an Italian mama. Annie was an earnest but skeptical Southern girl, with fair freckled skin and red hair. He watched her, she watched him. "Hm," they both thought. "Hmm. Interesting."

Then our fanatical parents decided to become even more fanatical by doing a home church together. Home school, home church, why not? And, actually, it was great. And he was there, with his family. I was there, with my family. We tried not to stare at each other while we were supposed to be singing.

That went on for about 4 years, all through high school. Our families were good friends, and Joe and I became good friends too, as much as you can when you really really like each other but you're trying not to acknowledge that. I talked to my parents about him. Once I even talked to his parents about him (one of the hardest things I've ever done). And, unbeknownst to either of us, our parents talked to each other about us. No, no betrothal or arranged marriage or anything like that. Just a kind of nice conversation along the lines of... Hey, if they're ever interested in each other, we think that's great!

Ever interested in each other? What an understatement! Meanwhile, we invented "full-contact basketball" and enjoyed a few games before a random parent walked out to the driveway mid-game. That was the end of that. Home school kids can get creative, and not always in a good way.

We were strange little teenagers,

but we were sincerely trying to follow God. And for both of us, at that time, it meant "just being friends" and trying (though we failed miserably many times) not to flirt, not to go where we shouldn't. Did we know we liked each other? Yes and no. I knew, but I was afraid to really believe. What if I was wrong? What if I counted on him liking me and I was just way off? And he thought, he hoped, but he wasn't sure either.

Then I graduated high school (I'm a year older than he is) and then we moved. Away. Back to Mississippi. 500+ miles away from Joe. A thousand little signs that could be interpreted as "I like you, I love you, please wait for me" but no actual conversation along those lines. I started college, he finished high school. I met a lot of nice college boys, some of whom were quite distracting. Then Joe and his family would come down to visit (because we were all good friends), or we would all go to St. Louis, and suddenly those nice college boys were just not so interesting. They were nice, but Joe was more. He was unique, he was deep, he was funny, he was adventurous, he wasn't just like everybody else.

One day I was at the bottom of

the lowest of emotional lows.

We had just seen each other, and once again it was the most exciting, heart-wrenching experience. I was 20 or 21, I don't remember the exact date. But I do remember sitting on the floor with my Bible, crying and crying out: "God, just tell me. Just tell me. Do I need to let go? Is this wrong? Am I wrong? Or is he the one, the one from You? Do I just need to wait, to hold on?"

I opened my Bible and read the story of Abraham going on a journey. Going on a journey down to the South. Sojourning there. And then returning to the place where he "had been at the beginning... to the place of the altar which he had made there at first" (Genesis 13:3,4). And as clear as if a voice had spoken from heaven or a finger had written on the wall, I knew. I knew my part was just to wait, to hold on. I knew God would take me back, back to St. Louis, back to Joe.

And He did.

There are intervening years, circumstances, signs, stories, tears, prayers. But in the space between that moment of knowing and the moment Joe proposed on a Florida beach at sunrise, I didn't doubt anymore.

We got married on September 5 of 2004 in my parents' backyard. Three kids and almost six years later, it is still

the best reality I've ever known.

What's your story? I'd love to hear it. Do share.

Every happy couple looks different.

Your version of wedded bliss isn't the same as mine. (Good thing, huh?)

But all the happy couples have at least one thing in common: they make sure that the things they love about each other take up more space than the things they don't like. Read the rest of this entry »

A stifled personality does not a happy marriage make.

Walking the Tight Rope

When you start writing about marriage from a Biblically based perspective, you can't avoid using words like “reverence” and even “submission.” Horrors. And though you try to give advice that stays true to Biblical principles while still making sense in our culture, it's difficult. There will be some who say you're too conservative, a fanatic, a freak, out of touch. Others will say you're shallow, affected by the culture, misinterpreting what the Bible says.

Everybody's Right, Everybody's Wrong

There is danger in any sort of marriage advice, even when it is based on something good. The danger is that we often take principles and turn them into methods. Then we cling to our methods, even when they cease to be helpful. Read the rest of this entry »

Rise above it... you got to rise above it.

Let's Face It

We look inside, we work on ourselves, we try harder, we do better. But marriage still isn't perfect, and sometimes it's just not our fault.

Oh, there are two sides to every story, sure. And sometimes his side is the one that isn't so good. So far we've focused on not focusing on his faults; it's usually counterproductive. But sometimes, well, he's acting like a fool, and the best thing to do is realize that so we can respond appropriately. Read the rest of this entry »

Best-Laid Plans

I intended to write a light little introductory chapter for our first day. I wanted to be witty and warm and welcome you with a sweet story about my own romance.

But I make the wrong plans often. Sometimes I don't realize it, and I plunge right in just to run in circles until God gets my attention. Today, though, I happened to be sitting still long enough that I heard Him before I plunged in. I turned to my reading for the day and stopped on this verse:

“For if the bugle produces an indistinct sound, who will prepare himself for battle?”

{1 Corinthians 14:8}

Sound the Alarm

And that's when I knew. This first day isn't a cozy coffee chat, because this whole course isn't a feel-good fluffy pat-on-the-back for Christian women. It's a wake-up call, and the first thing to do when you want to wake someone up is sound the alarm.

We don't need a statistic about divorce or a lecture about the homosexual movement to know that Biblical marriages are rare and getting rarer. We do need to put down our political picketing signs and take an honest look at ourselves. What should concern us most is the apathy and hostility that creep into our own hearts and poison our own marriages. Yours. Mine.

Why Does This Matter?

There is nothing more effective in winning the lost, changing the world, and building the kingdom of God than a man and woman side by side, united, strong, set apart, set on fire, ready to reach out to those God brings their way. A man and a woman like that are a warrior-team: they pick each other up, help each other, keep each other strong. They are not easily broken in the front lines of battle; two are stronger than one.

Watch Those Little Foxes

Women, if you are Christian and married, you are in a battle for the state of your marriage every single day. The most effective way to disarm this warrior-team? Not direct attack. It's the little foxes that creep in. It's culture-speak and stereotypes. It's a little offense. A hurt feeling unforgiven. A careless word, and then another. Bad habits. Laziness, busyness, holier-than-thou-ness.

Christian couples don't intend to end up apathetic, hostile, lonely, adulterous, divorced. But when we fail to see the battle we are in, we make a deadly mistake.

Your Home Is Your Battleground

We think we're safe if we keep ourselves “out of the world,” but we fail to see that the world walks right in with us. Our homes, our attitudes, our thoughts, our words, our habits, our actions, our choices, our relationships, schedules, agendas, priorities, daily life: this is where the battle rages.

This is your wake-up call. God has put it on my heart to sound the alarm, to cry out boldly to my sisters, to tell you this one thing: you must prepare yourself for battle and you must fight for your marriage.

The Marriage God Intended

I don't believe any of us have to settle for a marriage that is mediocre. No, you won't get perfection, but you can get a marriage that is joy-filled, passionate, fun, strong, and honest. You can be your husband's best friend. Your days and nights together can be precious, free from strife, and full of a holy purpose that you pursue together.

Marriage on God's terms isn't the usual. It will look funny to people. It might look funny to you. Getting there can be painful. But getting there means you get to wake up in the morning and say, “This is my beloved and this is my friend,” about the man next to you. Getting there means your marriage gets richer and better, not stale and sad. Getting there means your kids grow up hoping they'll have a marriage like you someday.

Are You Willing?

Don't aid and abet the enemy through ignorance any longer. Face the enemy: the enemy of your own flesh, of the world, of lies, of sin, of the devil. Fight the enemy: by being honest, humble, and willing to change. Defeat the enemy: make choices that build up your heart, your husband, and your home.

You are equipped. You are able. Are you willing?

Image courtesy of alancleaver_2000.

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This post is Day 1 of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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I'm working on improving the quality of sound... and getting some of those cute little intro instrumental humdingers... working on it. Till then, here it is, bare bones podcasting from Sister Wisdom. I'd love to hear some feedback, so let me know if you love it, hate it, think my voice sounds like a herd of Himalayan mountain goats, wish I would talk slower, detect a hint of a Southern accent, or hate podcasts and wish I hadn't published one. (On second thought, don't let me know if you hate podcasts because that's just so discouraging...)

Without further ado:

[display_podcast]

Thanks for listening!

Oh, and here's that giant heart I was talking about:

You know what I'm tired of, right now? Whining women. Seriously. What is wrong with us?

Halfway across the world, a Haitian woman digs through the rubble looking for her baby's body.
Halfway across the county, a single mom counts food stamps to see if she has enough for her groceries.
Halfway across the living room, a man sits who has loved you and worked to keep you happy, fed, clothed, and satisfied to the best of his abilities. He isn't perfect. He does stupid, annoying stuff that makes you want to scream. But there he is.

And there you are, in a warm home with every material blessing you need for a happy life. There's no practical concern stopping you from being happy, but you go back to whining. So do I. It's pointless and selfish. It's pure poison.

Whining women get on my nerves.

How did we get this way? Why do we listen to the stereotypes pushed around by our culture? Why do we make stupid jokes and snide little remarks about our men? Why do we not defend them, encourage them, support them, back them up, and find a way to see in them the best they can be? That is our job. Read the rest of this entry »

In a multitude of words, there wanteth not sin...

Honesty doesn't mean verbal vomit.

Honesty's good, right? And in our liberated time, we women should not only be honest, we should be just as loud in our honesty as any man. Right?

But what about what my Mama always said:

If you can't say anything nice... (you know the rest)

Don't say anything at all.

The more you talk, the more likely you are to say something stupid. It's just a simple statistical truth. The greater the whole, the greater your percentage of goofing up in it.

So we have a dilemma. Which is it? Be honest and tell your husband you hate the birthday gift, or be nice and keep quiet? Be honest and lambast him with how he's offended you over the last 10 days, or be sweet, overlook the offenses, and say nothing?

Isn't it dishonest to keep quiet and let him assume you love your plaid pajama kilt? Isn't it untruthful to hide your hurt feelings?

In a word: no. The habit of verbal vomit - spewing whatever nitpicks, nags, and nuances are uppermost in your mind - is a twisted, narcissistic way of communicating. It's not so much honesty as it is self-indulgence.

If you know that what you are about to say will be rude, unkind, discourteous, offensive, and/or hurtful, you have two (good) options: 1) Shut your mouth and keep it shut or 2) Find something else to say.

Sure, there are times you need to talk about difficult subjects. Honesty is important. Your feelings and preferences do matter. But piling one offense on top of another is not good communication. Choosing your words carefully and following Mama's advice is much better. Find a way to say what you need to say without offending, sarcasm, criticism...

If you can't say it nice, chances are it's better off unsaid.

5 Minute Action Point:

Go write down five wonderful, positive, encouraging things you can say to your husband. Read them over as many times as you can in five minutes (this helps you remember them). Next time you find yourself about to say something negative, discouraging, rude, sarcastic, or self-centered, make yourself say one of these positive statements instead.

Images courtesy of bluebetty.