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SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

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say to wisdom, "you are my sister." {prov 7.4}

When the Desire Comes, It Is a Tree of Life

This post is part of the 30-Minute Blogging Challenge at Steady Mom.

tree1

I just started a pot of coffee brewing, and since my coffee maker needs to be cleaned out yet again (darn hard water) and takes about 30 minutes to brew a pot, that's my automatic timer. I'm taking this 30-minute posting challenge because I have that feeling, the one of a pesky little guilt peering over my shoulder, whispering in my ear, "You're on the computer agaaaain?" It's hard to hear the whisper sometimes because of the kids hollering in the background... Read the rest of this entry »

How To Get Organized Forever

I went online to recheck the library books I have out. I got an error message saying "You cannot renew these items because you owe too much money."

Yesterday I made a list of 11 things to do. I did two of them. (But I did also go sledding and make snow angels. I have priorities, people.)

Ironically, I've been working on an article called "Getting Organized for Winter."

So I changed the article, because the article sho-nuff isn't changing me. Read the rest of this entry »

I ♥ Breaking Resolutions

greengirlstanding.

I ♥ Resolutions

Okay, I love New Year's. It's my favorite holiday. (I just realized that this year so I'm broadcasting it in hopes that the people I love will recognize and support me in my favoritism by buying me gifts for New Year's, too. I mean, it's the least they could do, really.)

I love making resolutions. I come up with a long list every year. Some years I decide not to go overboard, and I limit myself to something reasonable: 10 or, okay, 11 if I just can't help it.

And yeah, I don't keep them all. At all. Hardly ever. I goof, I fail, I mess up, I quit, I weaken, I have no willpower.

Except for this year. This is the year.
Right?

Making Progress? Really? (Or Is That Heartburn?)

I've noticed a disturbing trend, lately, despite my habitual resolution making and breaking: I'm actually making progress. I guess the endless repetition is finally getting to me. My resolutions are generally far bigger than can be accomplished in one year, anyway. (For example, #11 from 2005, "Prove global warming is a myth" and #6 from 2007, "If not a myth, figure out how to solve global warming." That just takes some time, I don't care who you are.)

I'm making progress. Don't ask me how, exactly. I still do a lot of the same stupid stuff in the same stupid way (i.e., get mad at Joe for not reading my mind, expect my kids to get along with each other, stay up too late, eat too much, forget to work out, forget to call, forget to write, forget my name, find myself on the Amtrak headed to Toronto in early spring... oh wait, sorry, I just lapsed into a Mommy-escape fantasy there. Back to what I was saying.)

I still do the same stupid stuff, but I don't do it quite as often. I still do the same stupid stuff, but I get over it quicker. And I'm happier. And maybe this has nothing to do with New Year's and making resolutions at all. Maybe this is just me and where I am in life, and I just happen to be reflecting on it all as 2009 goes out and 2010 comes in.

The last 5 years have been a rollercoaster. More ups than downs, and crazy fun, but intense.

A Recap

2004:
January - Joe and I start courting. (And yes, I said courting not dating and I'll go into that some other time but not here, goshdarnit, so just keep reading and don't get bogged down in those little details.)
May - Joe and I get engaged.
September - Joe and I get married. I move to St. Louis, since, being married and all, we kind of want to be together.
2005:
Jan - September - We adjust to married life, we work together in the family business, we have fun, I miss my family a lot, I want to have a baby, I start worrying that I can't get pregnant (no birth control! Hello!), I start writing more.
October - We're pregnant!
December - We buy a house and move in!
2006:
Jan - June - Pregnancy and home ownership.
July - Mara is born on July 11. We have a wonderful home birth. She is beautiful. She is an easy baby.
2007:
Feb - We decide that Mara is so easy, we should have another. We're pregnant!
May - I spend the entire month in MS to be with my Mom, who is not going to get better. It is the strangest experience I have ever had. Our emotions are as strung out as possible. I miss my husband.
June - My mom dies. I go back home. I am numb.
November - Robbie is born. Our son. I start getting unnumb.
December - We spend Christmas in Colorado. I think I was supposed to be born there, and live there, and we start plotting how we will move there.

2008:
April - My Dad gets married and my sister gets married, within a week of each other.
August - We haven't figured out what causes this. We're pregnant! My dad says, "You've got to be kidding me!" I alternate between "YAY" and fits of "ohmygoodness-howcouldyoudothistome-whydidwethinkthiswasagoodidea-wearegoingtobeinsane-weareinsane-ican'tdothis-aaaaaaaaaah."
2009:
April - Zeke is born. I think, "Third birth at home, nooo problem. It'll be easy." Haha, Andrea, haha. But he is beautiful, our little Ezekiel.
May - July - Our house, when did it start shrinking?
August - From out of nowhere  comes a new place to live. We move into "the parsonage." It's big. It has a huge stone fireplace and a sunroom and is on the 10 acres of church property, woods and fields and flowers and deer. I am in heaven. We rent out our house.

End Recap.

And here we are.
2010.
I think this is what I'm defining as progress, this feeling that I finally know who I am and am comfortable in that.

But don't think for a minute I'll stop making resolutions.  I've gotten way too good at it to quit.

Image courtesy of Sara. Nel.

Resolved (I Hope): A New Year of Wisdom

Silly Me

It's kind of funny. It's actually January 2 as I write this post intended to grace the front page on January 1st. I was trying to get in on that whole new-year-resolutions craze. Silly. Silly because I'm at my sister's house.

We spent the morning drinking coffee and trying to recover from lack of sleep while keeping our kids in a semi-clothed, fed, and healthy state. We watched the Rose Bowl Parade. We plowed through leftovers for lunch, talked, and tried to pry our male counterparts away from their iphones and laptops. We weren't successful until after dinner, at which point we had to all pitch in and take care of getting kids ready for bed. Then we all sat around and played Quelf, Bananagrams, and Gin Rummy until about 5 minutes to midnight.

End Day 1 of my newly (un)resolved life.

All day long, as I could steal a few minutes here and there, I was working on a couple of posts to put up on Sister Wisdom today. But all day long, too much other great stuff was happening.

So I don't have any really great inspirational ideas to share, no ten-steps to success or a helpful list of any kind. Instead, here are a few "snapshots" from my day: Read the rest of this entry »

The Cost of Comfort

washingtonwomanprofile

The world is full of too many possibilities. We can never grasp them all. We are inadequate for everything but able still to conquer more than we think. We must let go of paralysis, fear, anxiety, self-consciousness.

We get distracted. We blind ourselves staring into the sun, but the sun isn't our aim. The world is full of obstacles and we spend too much time avoiding them. Challenges make us alive. Comfort, too much of it, deadens our senses. We need the zest, the thrill, the hurt of sweat dripping off our noses and muscles tight from exertion. We need the pain of a hard chair and tiredness of a night staying up too late writing another page, and then another, and then another, and then another.

We need hard work, because we shun hard work as a culture. Our goals are to ease the pain of work, and in so focusing on the part that is painful we lose sight of the sheer pleasure of exertion toward an admirable goal.

Work is brilliant. Work is beautiful. Work is our life. Healthy, rightful play 2girlslaughingphotois work. We have, most of us, even forgotten how to play well. Instead we seek to be amused, which is not active involvement but passive reception.

We listen to music rather than make it. We pretend our exploits via video games rather than attempt them. We watch others live and laugh and hurt and love and conquer and die on the movie screen rather than walk outside and take the risk ourselves. We detach ourselves from life by engaging ourselves in non-life, in imitations of life: ear phones, cell phones, computer screens, chat rooms, social pages, news feeds, blog posts, newspapers, radio, streaming music, youtube videos, texting, messaging, uploading, downloading, saving, reformatting, watching not a bird or a real person but an actor, listening not to the wind or the waves or the sound of a voice next to us, something real, but to a recording of something real.

None of these things are bad, but it is bad that they have become all that we are. We define ourselves on-line rather than in life. We spend more time thinking of a cute status update or a great tag line on our blog than we do thinking of a sister's birthday gift or a conversation with a friend. We are so busy recording life into pixelated pieces that we are neglecting to live it.

The trouble isn't technology, it is human laziness and apathy and the ease with which we roll into the rut beside us. This problem was around long before the computers lit up, and it will continue to be around long after the next fifteen thousand technologies come and go. We can lose ourselves in anything that amuses, entertains, swallows us up without providing any value.

We call it leisure but it is not; it does not refresh or rejuvenate us, it drains us of energy and leaves us blinking and yawning. It is the feeling of stepping out of the movie theater into the bright afternoon sun, surprised to find that a whole world has been happening while we were lost in another. One is real, one is not. There is nothing wrong with make-believe. We need pretend, fantasy, and ways to escape. But we need a life to escape from, not just a series of trap doors leading from one escape route to another. This is why entertainment fails to entertain us: we have too much of it. We have no contrast. Everything is technicolor.

The cost is life. We fill up our space with too many little things and then we are too busy running around trying to keep them all connected, putting them in place, keeping up with them, taking advantage of our advantages. We end up worn out by our own luxuries. A lot less of everything is what we need.

chattingwomancolorLess food to choose from might help us to enjoy our daily bread without wishing we had gone to the other restaurant instead.

It's easy to get focused on the wrong things. The world is fighting for your focus, and if you forget you are in a battle, it will be easy to get distracted. If you allow the world to grab and hold your attention, then you'll spend hours listening to and thinking about the world's messages - instead of God's - and as a result, you won't be able to do what you really want and need to do ( How to Be Your Best When You Feel Your Worst, Casey Treat, pp 34-35).

The ache we feel in our chests, the dissatisfaction with where we are and what we have, the urge that sends us to the mall, to the Internet, to the television or the club or the movie or the concert is not for something more to see or hear or buy or experience. The ache is to do, to produce, to be valuable.

Some of us are realizing that, and we see the results in all sorts of wonderful ways: backyard gardens, home made loaves of bread and preserved fruit, carefully crafted quilts, reinvented vintage clothes, entire marketplaces of hand made offerings from jewelry to toys to furniture to art.

Some of us are still caught in a culture that has yet to slow down enough to acknowledge the ache for what it is. Don't let yourself be one of those. Don't let the quick urgent pull of purchasing blind you to the deeper satisfaction of being a producer more than you are a consumer. Add more value to the world than you take away. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable (as you will be if you resist the culture even a small bit) and you will find your life rising up within you, carrying you further than you knew you could go. That's living.

If you’ve never failed, you’ve never lived.

5 Minute Marriage Check: Quit Vomiting on Your Spouse

In a multitude of words, there wanteth not sin...

moveawaywoman

Honesty doesn't mean verbal vomit.

Honesty's good, right? And in our liberated time, we women should not only be honest, we should be just as loud in our honesty as any man. Right?

But what about what my Mama always said:

If you can't say anything nice... (you know the rest)

Don't say anything at all.

The more you talk, the more likely you are to say something stupid. It's just a simple statistical truth. The greater the whole, the greater your percentage of goofing up in it.


So we have a dilemma. Which is it? Be honest and tell your husband you hate the birthday gift, or be nice and keep quiet? Be honest and lambast him with how he's offended you over the last 10 days, or be sweet, overlook the offenses, and say nothing?


Isn't it dishonest to keep quiet and let him assume you love your plaid pajama kilt? Isn't it untruthful to hide your hurt feelings?


In a word: no. The habit of verbal vomit - spewing whatever nitpicks, nags, and nuances are uppermost in your mind - is a twisted, narcissistic way of communicating. It's not so much honesty as it is self-indulgence.

If you know that what you are about to say will be rude, unkind, discourteous, offensive, and/or hurtful, you have two (good) options: 1) Shut your mouth and keep it shut or 2) Find something else to say.


woman2

Sure, there are times you need to talk about difficult subjects. Honesty is important. Your feelings and preferences do matter. But piling one offense on top of another is not good communication. Choosing your words carefully and following Mama's advice is much better. Find a way to say what you need to say without offending, sarcasm, criticism...


If you can't say it nice, chances are it's better off unsaid.


5 Minute Action Point:

Go write down five wonderful, positive, encouraging things you can say to your husband. Read them over as many times as you can in five minutes (this helps you remember them). Next time you find yourself about to say something negative, discouraging, rude, sarcastic, or self-centered, make yourself say one of these positive statements instead.

Images courtesy of bluebetty.

A Birthday Manifesto {2009}

It's my 28th birthday today.

I am thankful for my life today,

for the opportunity I have each morning to be alive, to be whole, to be free, and to be with the people I love. Each day is rich and full.

The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places. I live with dreams and ideas and a reality full of wonder. I still believe in God, in goodness, in love, in absolutes - not because I always want to, but because it makes sense. I still believe fairies live in my flower garden - not because it makes sense, but because I want to.

I am thankful for new starts,

for fresh starts, reset buttons, and time-outs for grown-ups. I am thankful for the ability to feel, even when that means feeling pain. I am thankful for the freedom to say no, to live simple, to create my own enjoyment in life, to ignore negative people and to focus on all things bright and beautiful.

I am thankful for long walks, long naps, long conversations, and all of them being constantly interrupted by my children, because that means that they are whole, safe, happy, and with me.

I love this crazy hectic rushing pausing living breathing dancing feeling falling seeing hearing loving being doing running resting thing we have, this life, these moments strung together, these fly-by days, these vanishing hours.

I love the promise of eternity,

the hope spreading before me, the future opening up for me, limitless in scope.

I choose to dwell in possibility. I choose joy. I claim every wonder as a personal gift to me from the Maker. I relish the taste of each day I am given, I look toward the sun, I accept the clouds and the rain, I believe in redemption.

Everywhere I look I see the possibility of joy.

This year I am letting fly, loosing the things less-than-best. This year I am ignoring details to focus on one important thing at a time. This year I give myself the gift of order and discipline, which comes with a free trial pack of guilt-free, worry-free time-off-for-rest-and-renewal.

This year I will cancel my subscription to Worry Magazine, decline the offers for 1/2 off on "Comparing Yourself to Others: the Series" and will spend the time I save on the better classics:

  • Guilt-Free Living
  • Time with Family
  • Prayer
  • Fulfilling Work

This year my word is joy.

This year I will give more time to books and less time to the Internet. I will memorize poetry and ignore the news. I will sing songs instead of whining. I will go on dates with my husband, teach my daughter her letters, and cuddle my swiftly growing sons.

I will play in the dirt, climb trees, forget my weight, give more gifts, and accept the gifts I am given with a heart of gratitude and a life of grace.

Go then, eat your bread in happiness, and drink your wine with a cheerful heart; for God has already approved your works. Let your clothes be white all the time and let not oil be lacking on your head. Enjoy life with the one you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life, and in your toil in which you have labored under heaven. Whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might.  {Ecclesiastes 9:7 - 10}

I dwell in Possibility--
A fairer House than Prose--
More numerous of Windows--
Superior--for Doors--

Of Chambers as the Cedars--
Impregnable of Eye--
And for an Everlasting Roof
The Gambrels of the Sky--

Of Visitors--the fairest--
For Occupation--This--
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise--

{Emily Dickinson}

Wish I’d Said That…

"There's something woefully lacking in any fragmentary approach to life, however intriguing any single fragment happens to be."  {Deepak Chopra}

We have to learn to give as well as take, to find solutions in situations when our first choices don't work. If you do your best and not expect everything to work out perfectly or even according to your original plan, in time, with focused energy, patience, and experience, you can improve every aspect of your life." {Alexandra Stoddard}

You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act. {Barbara Hall}

"A loving relationship is a flexible one... We must make allowances for each other in order to grow our love. ...doing more than you can is not loving; it is a tyranny. We have energy for those we love, but it is not unlimited.

Just because someone wishes you to do something doesn't necessarily mean it is right for you at the time. You're not doing others a favor by letting them be dependent on you. ...It's not loving to react to others out of guilt." {Alexandra Stoddard}


I Like Quoting Smart People

To be outspoken is easy when you do not wait to speak the complete truth. — Rabindranath Tagore

 

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