SISTER WISDOM

you are stronger than you think 1

Filed under faith
Written by Annie on 12th Aug -11

photo credit: 50 Watts (formerly A Journey Round My Skull)

You’re actually very strong.

Kind of obnoxiously strong, like those puffed-up body builders. Like Schwarzenegger in his glory days.
Big bulging muscles. Wow. (Don’t get any ideas about wearing a speedo, though.)

You’re capable, and you’re strong.

And so smart.
You doubt yourself, but you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t listen to that negativity.
You can accomplish anything if you will quit listening to those discouraging words and just keep going for it.

Reject your own fears; they don’t even make sense.

If you stick to it, you’ll reach your goals. It’s a struggle. I know, I know. I hear you. It would be easier to settle for something less ambitious. Heck, some days you do settle.

And on the days you don’t settle, you still feel like you’re not even close to hitting the mark.
But you are.

Much closer than you think.

See, I’ve been watching you.

I’m your friend (colleague/acquaintance/coworker/spouse/parent/child/neighbor) and I’m trying to figure you out.

I don’t know why you work at life so hard. I don’t know why you keep choosing to do what isn’t easy. I don’t quite understand what makes you tick, but I’m fascinated by it, so I keep watching.

And I see that you don’t see yourself very well.

You’re doing a great job, you just don’t know it.

You’re holding things together. You’re making progress. You’re growing. You’re learning to appreciate the moment.

You’re living out something deep.

I guess it has to do with your heart, with what you believe, with your ambitions, maybe? I’m not sure. You don’t really talk about yourself that much. You listen. You choose to give yourself. You look past the short-term stress. You handle the tension. You have made it through one crisis after another, and you stayed gracious in the midst of it.

The only thing missing is to realize that you are, actually, succeeding at life. I hope you’ll see that soon, and relax a little. I hope you’ll doubt yourself less. I hope you’ll enjoy the journey more. You may not think you’re strong, but you’ve got strength coming from somewhere.

And it’s amazing to watch.

2 Keys for finding wisdom Comments Off

Filed under the world
Written by Annie on 27th Jul -11

(OR a mild tirade on the point of this blog)

photo credit: A6U571N

Things aren’t always easy, or simple, or black and white; it is that last one that causes me the most grief, personally, because I like black-and-white, as in, easily understood, categorized, and labeled as “good” or “bad.” I think in these absolute terms. This is my filter for the world, for my life, for how I parent, how I wife and friend and write and etc.

‘Cept things ain’t always that simple, Charlie Browns.

So much gray! As in, should it be “gray” or “grey”? Does it matter? No.

But there it is, a choice, an option, with no obvious RIGHT answer. The abundance of gray (grey) has been one of the shocks of adulthood.

The other shocker of my adult life has been realizing this:

not everything you learned growing up is true.

I’m not talking about the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus or whether you rejected your parents’ religious and/or political beliefs in favor of something more enlightened. (For the record, I did not reject my parents’ religious beliefs. Or political ones, much. I like them. I believe them. But that’s another story.)

What I am talking about is much more subtle.

It is the things that are not necessarily taught but are simply passed down, assumptions about how the world works and the best way to, oh, make pie crust, or spend money, or how to parent properly and what to wear after Labor Day.
These things are not (usually) consciously relayed to the next generation: they simply are passed down, passed around the table with the green bean casserole, and you pick them up and put them on your plate and eat them and they become part of you.

Until one day you realize that you don’t even like green bean casserole (we are speaking in metaphorical terms now, follow?) or that green bean casserole is much better when it’s made in an entirely different way than your mother used to make it…
And the world rocks back and forth and you stand on very shaky ground.
Everything is uncertain.

assuming the assumptions are good…

Toooooo many of us are still operating under those passed-down assumptions about “how life works” when, really, the assumptions are not working any more. They are not necessarily WRONG but definitely not necessarily RIGHT either.

Confusing principles and preferences

So many of us are confusing principles (i.e. things that ARE absolute and either RIGHT or WRONG) with preferences. We pick up preferences about life, government, churches, cooking, family life, work, clothing, money, and so on from our parents and we go tra-la-la-ing along as if we are ready for anything.
Only: preferences are not universal, transcending space/time/culture. Preferences are fallible. Preferences have to change. Preferences quit working out of context.

2 simple rules

I have two simple rules which have developed into something kind of stable and specific and definite in my head and in how I look at life and how I make decisions and do things.

And, I think, the whole little point of this blog is to kind of pass those rules or ideas on and to help women apply them and quit feeling so freakin’ guilty about everything, and quit operating on preferences and assumptions that simply don’t work for one reason or another, and quit assuming that one way is RIGHT and another is WRONG when, in truth, both are FINE depending… (or both are NOT FINE, depending…).

rule 1: question everything.
rule 2: assume nothing.

Simple, yes?

Of course I don’t mean that every single time you have to make a decision you question every angle of it. I do almost mean it literally about the assumptions, tho’ of course we need some of those to survive, but overall assumptions are just a lazy woman’s way of not having to think or take responsibility and they tend to lead us to error and unpleasant arguments with our spouses.

Questions are good.

They help us figure out where things come from.

Why am I doing this? What is the point? Where is this coming from? Is this a choice or simply a tradition? Where did the tradition come from? Is it good or bad? Is it helpful? What is it supposed to accomplish? Why do I feel like I need to do things this way? Is my way better? Why? Why not try something different? What’s the risk? What’s the principle? Is there a principle, or is this a preference? What’s my preference? Why? Where did it come from?

Questions lead us to new ideas and discoveries and (gasp) truth, which is not – however you might like it to be – usually found in those assumptions of ours, the ones we like to tote around and pull out whenever feeling uncertain.

Truth is timeless.

I believe in absolute truth, truth which does transcend time and space and culture, truth which does not change or have to be replaced or modernized or adapted to a new context.
But I do not believe that everything we think fits into “truth” indeed does. Most of it, in fact, well: not. Fact, maybe, but truth?
And that’s where we get oh-so-overwhelmed-and-confused and that’s where we have conflict and guilt and terrrrrrible things happen. On a personal level, on a national level, so on: when we mix up truth with a) fact or b) opinion, we get goofy, sometimes tragic, results.

All this tirade to say top-ten-tip lists are great and how-to posts are helpful and advice can be nice but the point

THE POINT

is to help me, you, and any other woman who stumbles on this blog’s real estate to have a better life by getting WISE.

Wisdom.

That’s the key.
Wisdom is the ability to separate truth from mere knowledge.

It is the discernment to know facts and yet not be ruled by a pride in that knowledge.

It is the mind to put principles in one pile and preferences in another and use both as they should be used.

It is the will and the understanding to apply knowledge as it should be applied (not dogmatically) and to search out truth and live by it (graciously).

Wisdom is what I am looking for.

I have many goals on earth; many goals for myself and my children; many hopes, ambitions, dreams; but the greatest the deepest the truest is that I will be a woman who is WISE, that I will somehow manage to raise children who seek WISDOM all their lives, and that, through what I write here and elsewhere, I will manage to pass on a bit of that wisdom, or just the thirst for it, to others.

10 things to do when you feel overwhelmed Comments Off

Filed under take ten
Written by Annie on 21st Mar -11

(untitled)

1. Sit down with a piece of paper and write down everything you can think of that’s stressing you out,

weighing on your brain, waiting for your action, refusing to leave you alone. If you’re overwhelmed and don’t know why, this will help you figure out what’s bothering you most. And the simple act of writing is both cathartic and helps you to see things in perspective.

2. Call someone you trust

- or send an email – and just talk about what’s on your brain. We females do have a tendency to over-analyze, yes. But some situations need to be processed, emotions need to be aired out, and the simple act of talking things through relieves a lot of the mental and emotional pressure that makes us feel like we can barely hold our heads up.

3. Do the next thing,

the one thing you know that’s making you feel the most dread or anxiety. Read this if you’re not sure how to do the next thing.

4. Go outside and take a ten-minute walk.

Or twenty minutes. Or thirty. However long you can manage will help. Let your mind wander. Look around. Breathe. Push yourself to walk a little faster. Listen to some music. Listen to the world around you, and let your brain do its own processing while you occupy yourself with other things.

5. Get out and around people.

If you’re overwhelmed with stuff you can’t do anything about – situations that have no “next action step” next to them – then being by yourself is the worst option for you. Go be where people are.

6. Do something that gives you immediate, tangible results.

The big projects that make us feel like we can never accomplish them are overwhelming because it takes so long to get to completion. Take a break from ongoing projects and tackle a small task that gives you immediate results.

7. Ask yourself what will happen if you don’t accomplish everything you’d like to in this day or week or month or lifetime.

What can you let go of? How can you limit your to-do list? Let go of some things that don’t matter. If you don’t really care about how things might change when you say no, or if it’s obvious that the world will carry on without your 39 item list being completed, then hack that list down to something reasonable and breathe for a while.

8. Get away from negative people.

Even if they don’t know what’s going on in your brain, even if they’re not speaking directly to your situation, their general negativity will make you feel discouraged before you even begin. Move on, get some space, and find some happy, positive, encouraging, upbeat, unrealistically optimistic people to be around. It will help balance things out.

9. Take a break from information consumption: Internet, blogs, (Yep, I said that), Facebook, email, phone calls, television, books, magazines, so on.

The sheer amount of information we take in makes us feel like we are somehow responsible for doing something about it all, in one way or another. Give yourself time to process all that information that you already have floating around in there before you add more.

10. Do one thing at a time.

Set a timer. Don’t multi-task. Force yourself to focus on one item, however small, and focus on it fully.

Image: (untitled) by QueenAmparo

2 keys to help you reach your goals Comments Off

Filed under self
Written by Annie on 3rd Feb -11

Let’s jump right in here. What’s the toughest part about reaching your goals?
Not defining them, usually.
Not figuring out how to reach them.
The path to even the most difficult goals is usually obvious. Action 1, action 2, action 3, acgtion 4, and so on. If you want to write a book and get a great book deal, that’s difficult to do but not difficult to understand how to do.

The difficulty is in the doing, the action, the day-to-day continued commitment.

Why? What happens? It isn’t usually because the work is so hard. It’s because we lose the vision, and then we don’t remember why… and we’re basically lazy… and old habits are strong. So we give up.

Answer? Put something in place to take the place of that rush of vision.

1. Accountability

Accountability means saying in some public way or another, “Hey, I’m doing this! Everybody watch and see!”

It’s almost a dare. It’s exposure. It’s bold. It’s unnerving. And it makes you want to do whatever you said you’d do, because now you’ve got an audience and they’re going to know your failure if you give up.

“Everybody” doesn’t have to be a big group. It could be your spouse, a couple of friends, a small group of folks with the same interest. It could be your blog readership, which might be very small or very large depending. It could be your entire social network.

The size of the group doesn’t matter; what matters is that in some public way you make a commitment. You share the vision and you share the plan, and you say, “Dare you to watch me accomplish this.”

And then you don’t want to quit, because you’ve got a person, or people, or a group, watching you. You don’t want to disappoint them. You don’t want to be embarrassed. And that motivation, of pleasing and impressing people, can be enough to keep you going even when the vision is really vague.

2. Tracking

Tracking means specific actions and deadlines and then keeping track of how well you do at achieving those actions by those deadlines.

Tracking also means collecting information related to your actions or ultimate goals. Keeping a food journal, for example, and recording your daily weight is a way to track your progress on a diet or fitness program.

Tracking can be as simple as writing stuff down on a piece of paper or the calendar and scratching it off once you’ve achieved it.
Of course, there are lots of other more tech-savvy ways to track your progress, too.

You can get goal-tracking software or use an online goal-tracking system, such as Joe’s Goals.
Join a goal-tracking group, which could be “real-world” ( Weight Watchers, for example), or based online ( 43Things).
Put a goal-tracking app on your smart phone: I use Trak for iPhone. It’s free.
Or get any other type of system you want in place (calendar, notebook, etc.).

The point is, you track your day-to-day progress and you grab the information that helps you become more aware of your pgoress, your habits, and then obstacles you need to overcome to reach your goals.

And that information can be powerful motivation, a new awareness that keeps you going even when you can’t remember quite why you’re pursuing this goal.

Work It Together

For any challenging goal, the smartest move (if you want to succeed, that is) is to use both tracking and accountability. Tracking can be as detailed as you like, as simple or complicated as you need. Just keep up with it. Look at how far you’ve come. Get the information. get a system in place for it.

Add the tracking to some kind of accountability. Start a blog, join a group, join a forum, take on a challenge with a friend.

Achieving your goals is difficult because it requires you to stretch out of your comfortable boundaries and create new spaces, new habits. You have to stretch, you have to lose old habits, and you have to gain proficiency at unfamiliar and difficult tasks. Don’t set yourself up for failure. Don’t be a loner. Share your vision and it becomes stronger.

If one fails to develop goals that give meaning to one’s existence, if on does not use the mind to its fullest, then good feelings fulfill just a fraction of the potential we possess. A person who achieves contentment by withdrawing from the world to “cultivate his own garden,” like Voltaire’s Candide, cannot be said to lead an excellent life. Without dreams, without risks, only a trivial semblance of living can be achieved.

Image: success by charliedayartist

3 Steps to Successful Goal-Setting for Moms Comments Off

Filed under self
Written by Annie on 20th Jan -11

You can have anything but you can’t have everything.

So you have to choose:

what constitutes success in your life right now?

Don’t limit yourself because of fear, but do limit your goals (the ones you are actively pursuing) to as many as you can focus on. I’ve found that I max out at about 3 big goal chases at a time.

What’s wrong with traditional goal-setting

I’ve seen lots of recommendations; the most common among women’s advice circles seems to be to go through the basic areas of your life and set goals for each one. Depending on what you define as a single area, you can have from 5 to 10 areas, and thus, 5 to 10 goals, happening at a time.
For example, a typical area-of-life breakdown might look like this:

- marriage/relationships
- kids/parenting
- home
- work/career
- health/fitness
- personal
- social
- educational/intellectual
- hobbies…

If you take the traditional route of setting one goal for each area, then actively pursuing each goal, you’ll be simultaneously trying to fix your life in 5, 10, 12 areas at a time.
That’s a lot of pressure.

a better goal-setting method

I suggest a different, simpler, and infinitely more effective route; this works for anyone, but it’s especially helpful for Moms who are juggling their own needs along with those of husband, kids, house, job, social life, etc. When your life is complicated, your goal-setting should be simple.
Basically, you need to ask yourself three questions:

Question 1. What in my (current) life bothers me most?

Not just that nagging tooth ache you need to make an appointment for, though certainly you should go see your dentist about that… But what is happening, or not happening, in your life that bothers you on a daily and deeply?
Goal #1: Fixing/eliminating the problem you identify in Question #1.

Question 2. What do I dream of pursuing someday?

For Moms, maybe you’ve put your career on hold until your kids are in school; or maybe you dream of what life will be like when you’re financially able to quit your job and stay home; or maybe you have a career and kids and you’re loving both but you’ve put off some other dreams, like traveling or learning a new language or learning to cook or getting in shape or volunteering. What are you putting off, waiting on, putting on hold while your life continues around you?
Goal #2: Taking action to reach that dream you identify in Question #2.

Question 3. What can I do to simplify and de-stress my life in a practical/logistical way?

You want to keep your life above the survival level, but you can’t fix everything all at once. That’s where most of us mess up; we get inspired, motivated, frustrated enough to declare war on the way things are. We’re going to fix the kids, fix the husband, fix the finances, fix ourselves, fix the house, all by February 15, so help me God.

And that just doesn’t happen… so we give up, right? The point is, it’s simply too much to try to fix it all. The point of Question #3 is to help you figure out one goal you can reach to simplify your life, thus reducing stress (and improving the quality) of all your life. Maybe it’s declutter the closets, finish the kitchen remodel, join a gym, get a new wardrobe, or get a regular babysitter. Maybe it’s quit your job, get out of debt, or simplify your social life. You decide; what rings truest with you right now? You can tackle the other stuff later.
Goal #3: Simplifying/reducing stress in your life by tackling one practical/logistical area you identify in Question #3.

Printable Goal-Setting Worksheet

I’ve put together a down loadable, printable worksheet so you can sit down with these three questions and your purple Sharpie (oh, is that just me?) and set some goals that you’ll actually reach. Download it by clicking here.

Image: No. 3 (Washington, DC) by takomabibelot

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