As
Michael Pearl says, My goal as a parent is to work myself out of a job. Obviously, with children as young as 3 and 1 1/2 years old, self-sufficiency is incomplete at best. There’s more they can’t do than things they can do by themselves. But we underestimate our children’s abilities, and we often handicap them by not equipping them with skills to do what they are capable of.
Skills + Responsibility = Happy Toddlers
It’s our job as parents to assess our children’s abilities and teach them skills so that they can handle as much responsibility as possible for every age. Children like being responsible and independent. Every move I make toward giving them more autonomy is welcomed by my children. Mara loves going potty by herself, getting her own socks and pajamas and underwear from the shelves, folding her blankets. Wick likes being able to get his own sippie cup full of water from the kitchen table, have a drink, and put it back. It’s a good and natural growth that eases tension between parents and children and moves us all toward the adult-equal relationship, which is the outcome of successful parenting.
Adulthood Begins with Infancy
My top priority right now is teaching my two children how to deal with each other: playing together, sharing, helping each other, and working out conflicts. Can they do it all by themselves? No, of course not. But there’s a lot they can learn and handle on their own, and in the process they gain skills for life.
I’m okay with being called on to help resolve a conflict or protect personal property rights when my children are 3 and 1 1/2, or 7 and 9; I’m not so okay with that still happening when they’re 13 and 15, or 22 and 24. At some point, my children have to quit needing me and they only way to ensure that happens is to teach them what I already know. It’s the passing on of wisdom and knowledge. It’s the teaching and training that occurs every day. If it doesn’t happen from day one, there will be no magical day when my child becomes an adult. He will just become an awkward, co-dependent, adult-sized child.
Assessing Their Abilities
So how do we figure out what our children are capable of and then equip them for those tasks? For me, a certain level of annoyance is a good key; I don’t mind making their meals, helping with baths, and those other things that they cannot yet do for themselves. But when I find myself getting irritated over any particular repeated request, it’s usually a sign that training needs to take place: my children need to learn how to handle this issue on their own, or else I need to deal with it in another, proactive way.
I realized today, after the hundredth “No pwease Bubba! Moooooommmmmmy!” that this sibling
Photo by Synergy Photography
interaction is a very basic area for self-sufficiency. My children will be interacting with each other pretty much constantly for their entire childhoods. I need them to be able to handle much of this interaction on their own, especially when our third baby is born (due any day now). I’m not going to become an absentee parent, by any means; but I am going to teach them everything they can understand right now. Tomorrow they can learn more. This is the goal of each day.
Teaching Skills for New Responsibilities
So we are working on a skill set for this daily challenge. It includes Mars learning to say “Please, no” to her little brother when he does something she doesn’t like (rather than whining about it until I intervene); it also includes Wick, as young as he is, learning that a “Please, no” from his sister must be respected. They are both learning how to take turns. Today Mara learned how to come to Mommy (instead of hollering across the room or house), put her hand on my arm, and say, “Excuse me, Mommy,” when Wick doesn’t respond to her “Please, no” request. So now she knows how to appropriately ask for help when needed; Wick will learn this pretty quickly, as well.
The other skill we’re working on is for Mara to learn to walk away when Wick gets too rough. Yes, she’s older and bigger, but she’s much gentler in comparison to her rough-and-tumble little brother. He likes to climb all over her, tickle, snuggle, and roll around on the floor. She likes that too, sometimes; sometimes it’s too much, so she is learning to simply get up and move to another area when she needs some space.
Toddler Skills Become Life Skills
These skills translate from the literal toddler application to life lessons for all the relationships my children will encounter as they grow older.
There will always be people doing things we don’t like; we have to know how to address those issues politely, appeal to authority, accept differences, and discern when it’s time to clear out and get some space.
I want my children to be capable, happy, wise adults. Everyday is my chance to move them a little closer to that place.