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How long have you lived without the freedom to let go?
Don’t Miss the Moment
There’s a moment that we women often miss. It’s the moment right after the conversation, the conversation about the leak in the roof, the leak in the pipe, the budget miscalculation, the unexpected babysitting offer, the broken door knob, the sick dog. There are three things we need to do in that moment, and almost always miss them. continue reading…
You know what I’m tired of, right now? Whining women. Seriously. What is wrong with us?
Halfway across the world, a Haitian woman digs through the rubble looking for her baby’s body.
Halfway across the county, a single mom counts food stamps to see if she has enough for her groceries.
Halfway across the living room, a man sits who has loved you and worked to keep you happy, fed, clothed, and satisfied to the best of his abilities. He isn’t perfect. He does stupid, annoying stuff that makes you want to scream. But there he is.
And there you are, in a warm home with every material blessing you need for a happy life. There’s no practical concern stopping you from being happy, but you go back to whining. So do I. It’s pointless and selfish. It’s pure poison.
How did we get this way? Why do we listen to the stereotypes pushed around by our culture? Why do we make stupid jokes and snide little remarks about our men? Why do we not defend them, encourage them, support them, back them up, and find a way to see in them the best they can be? That is our job. continue reading…
Day in, day out.
You wake up, you see him. You go to bed, you kiss him.
You pick up his socks. You make his dinner. You take care of his children.
You know his favorites, his jokes, his shirt size, his embarrassments, his dreams, how to fix his coffee.
You know him so well, in fact, that some days you don’t notice him.
You walk by without a hug.
You leave the house without a kiss.
You end a phone call without an “I love you.”
You have a conversation without smiling into his eyes.
Don’t lose your boyfriend, your soul mate, your lover just because he is also your husband. Everything that you dreamed of, the way he made your heart race: it’s all in there. What you crave in a companion is held in the heart of that man whose shirts you iron. Don’t lose that love because the faithful day-by-day gets stale. You have to fight the mundane, fight the apathy, fight the lethargic rut you fall into.
Watch the video below, then think of a way you can make your husband smile like that by reminding him that he’s not just your husband, or your old-faithful best friend: he’s your breath-taking, heart-racing, one and only.
In a multitude of words, there wanteth not sin…
Honesty’s good, right? And in our liberated time, we women should not only be honest, we should be just as loud in our honesty as any man. Right?
But what about what my Mama always said:
If you can’t say anything nice… (you know the rest)
The more you talk, the more likely you are to say something stupid. It’s just a simple statistical truth. The greater the whole, the greater your percentage of goofing up in it.
So we have a dilemma. Which is it? Be honest and tell your husband you hate the birthday gift, or be nice and keep quiet? Be honest and lambast him with how he’s offended you over the last 10 days, or be sweet, overlook the offenses, and say nothing?
Isn’t it dishonest to keep quiet and let him assume you love your plaid pajama kilt? Isn’t it untruthful to hide your hurt feelings?
In a word: no. The habit of verbal vomit – spewing whatever nitpicks, nags, and nuances are uppermost in your mind – is a twisted, narcissistic way of communicating. It’s not so much honesty as it is self-indulgence.
If you know that what you are about to say will be rude, unkind, discourteous, offensive, and/or hurtful, you have two (good) options: 1) Shut your mouth and keep it shut or 2) Find something else to say.
Sure, there are times you need to talk about difficult subjects. Honesty is important. Your feelings and preferences do matter. But piling one offense on top of another is not good communication. Choosing your words carefully and following Mama’s advice is much better. Find a way to say what you need to say without offending, sarcasm, criticism…
If you can’t say it nice, chances are it’s better off unsaid.
5 Minute Action Point:
Go write down five wonderful, positive, encouraging things you can say to your husband. Read them over as many times as you can in five minutes (this helps you remember them). Next time you find yourself about to say something negative, discouraging, rude, sarcastic, or self-centered, make yourself say one of these positive statements instead.
Images courtesy of
bluebetty.
Picture yourself and your spouse on your 50th wedding anniversary. Is it a happy picture? Are you smiling, content? Are you satisfied with what you have put into this fifty-year-long relationship? Are you still best friends? Are you still in love?
Being in love is not a phase for teenagers or newlyweds. In love does not have to end with the honeymoon or the first child or financial woe. Whether or not you are in love tomorrow depends on the choices you make today. Love is not an out-of-control feeling but a structure, built up by action upon action, choice upon choice, or vulnerable and falling apart from abuse, neglect, and apathy. Choose to build your structure well by making these 12 choices.
1. Choose to be a team. No more separate lives, interests, friends, even jobs. View every endeavor as a shared one, even if your part is minimal. Joe puts in 40+ hours a week at his family’s business; I put in about 2 or 3 hours a week updating the website from the comfort of home. But when we have a shop meeting, I’m there. When policies change, I want to know. I care. It’s “our business.”
2. Choose to accept your husband’s personality. Oh, how many heartaches could be avoided with a little understanding! Personality types are very simple but most of us know nothing about them, and into this lifelong relationship we go only to be shocked by the fact that this strange creature chooses not be just like me! What could be wrong with him? Well, dear, nothing. The problem is ignorance: not everyone is like you! Save yourself more heartache by getting educated about personalities, and make the choice to love and embrace who your husband is, as he is. Do not try to make him more like yourself. There is a reason different personalities are attracted to each other. They balance each other out. Don’t ruin it all by forcing your husband to try to become some twisted, mediocre version of who he is supposed to be.
3. Choose to bite your tongue. Here is a simple test: When faced with the choice of these two cliches, which should you choose? “Silence is Golden,” or “Honesty is the Best Policy.” If you picked the first, then you’ve learned a thing or two already. Honesty is best. Don’t ever lie to your husband. Not good. But also don’t feel like you have to share every single little thought that goes through your head with your husband. “Woman, be silent!” is an admonition we all need sometimes. It is okay to just sit in quietness together. It is not only okay, it is necessary for the sake of a happy marriage, to sit in quietness when you are thinking negative things. To sum it up with an even better cliche, remember what my Mom used to say: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
4. Choose to talk about your husband positively. Now is the time for talking! You’re with his family, or your family, or a group of friends. Someone finishes a story, everyone laughs appropriately, and that small silence fills the air as everyone waits for the next topic. Jump in. “Did I tell you all about this new deck Bob just build onto our house?” Or “Did you hear that John’s boss said he was the most valuable member of management?” Or “Steve did the sweetest thing the other night…” You know the man. Next time you are en route to a social event, review a few positive stories (feel free to share them with him as you drive; he won’t mind) and share them. (Understood in this admonition is its opposite as well: Don’t talk about your husband negatively.)
5. Choose to be his best friend. You know about best friends. Best friends talk on the phone, go out, spend time together, have secrets and inside jokes, know embarrassing stories about each other, remember birthdays… well, the female best friends do, anyway! Guy best friends are a little different. They don’t go to the bathroom in pairs and they don’t paint their nails together. So compromise a little bit. The point is that best friends seek out and enjoy each other’s company; they laugh together; they make each other a continue reading…