My husband thinks I’m perfect.

Seriously. Sometimes I say, “Hey, honey, is there something I could change, do differently, you know, anything I’m doing that annoys you or you wish I wouldn’t do?” He always says something along the lines of, “No, baby, you’re perfect and I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

Now, I know and you know that I’m not perfect. My blinded-by-love husband, though… he doesn’t see the flaws. Or if he does, he thinks they’re cute. And we’re past the honeymoon stage; at least we’re supposed to be. We’re six years, three (and 1/3) children into this thing. We’ve done stupid stuff, said stupid stuff, made mistakes, and we’re still figuring this whole “life” thing out as we go. There’s been more than enough imperfection on my part. But he doesn’t see it.

Sometimes it’s tough having a husband who thinks I’m perfect.

Really. He does something minor like come home late from work and I am well on my way to working up a good, satisfying MAD… One of those seething, cupboard-door-slamming mads where you can grit your teeth and feel justified because of the wrongness of it all. Except then he walks in the door and says something like, “Hey, baby, I’m sooo glad to see you and the kids. So sorry I was late tonight, I had to finish a work project and then help a crippled man across the street and then stopped to fix an old lady’s car on the way home. Can I help with dinner?”

How the heck can I be mad after that?

Impossible. Though I’ve tried. Trust me. Because I enjoy a good mad just as much as the next girl.

But, alas, I am married to the Good Samaritan.

He is an infinitely capable Good Samaritan, too, because he knows how to fix stuff. Cars, lawnmowers, go-karts, bicycles, tire swings, dryers, dishwashers, highchairs, boats, chainsaws, lights, chairs, scraped knees, me…
Honestly, the only good reason for a mad in six years of marriage that I’ve found is this: sometimes he helps other people when I want him to ignore all those other people and pay attention to me. Only me.

And if I tell him that, he does. He pulls in, slows down, says no. Pays attention.

I’m not a naturally merciful or generous person. I lean more to the “prophetic” side of things (thanks, Dad!), as in, if I see a bum on the street with a cardboard sign, I think, “Hey bum, go get a job and then you won’t need other people’s money!” I don’t think,

• “Poor guy. He’s probably had a tough life.” I don’t think,
• “Hmm, we should be generous to the poor.”

I roll up my windows. I don’t carry cash. I drive on. I don’t even feel guilty.

Generosity is still not a natural instinct,

but in the six years of being married to the most generous and merciful person I have ever known, I’ve learned a little bit:

• It’s fun to be generous. Even when you can’t afford it. Especially when you can’t afford it. It’s a risk you take, offering out of the little you have.
• It doesn’t matter what the person does with your generosity. That’s not your part of the picture. Your part is just to be generous.
• Giving isn’t just about giving money; it’s about giving time, giving resources, giving energy, giving help, giving service. When you clutter up your life with obligations that don’t matter, you end up with nothing left to give other people.
• There is a priority in giving; you shouldn’t give what isn’t yours to give, for instance. You should meet your responsibilities. You should make sure your family has their needs met, but the thing to remember is need isn’t the same as want. We can all live with much less than we think we can.

Last week a lady knocked on my car window

in the parking lot of St. Louis Bread Company. She launched into a somewhat reasonable explanation of why she was asking for money. I stopped her. I didn’t really care what her reason was. I gave her the $20 I had in my wallet, prayed for her, and when she left I wished I’d had more to give.

Maybe she’s a drunk. Maybe she’s a drug addict. Maybe she’s somebody’s daughter and she’s had a tough life. I don’t know, and I don’t need to know.

You know why my husband thinks I’m perfect?

Because he has what I understand now as generosity of the spirit; he doesn’t just give the cash he could use for himself. He doesn’t just give his time or his abilities. He gives grace, freely, recklessly. He gives enough grace to me to cover all the times I’ve been mad, or rude, or ignored him, or messed something up, or forgotten something important, or hurt him, or demanded, or controlled, or manipulated, or accused, or proved in some other inexcusable way how imperfect I really, truly, deeply am.

His generosity is what causes him to love me as much as he does. It’s not me. I’m not perfect. I don’t deserve it. I didn’t earn it. But I receive it, with open arms. And that’s why, sometimes, when I think, “Darn it, I wish Joe would quit offering to help, I really just want a weekend at home!” I try to stop before I say it out loud. Because when I put words out there, he will listen. And he will downsize his own generosity in order to make me happy.

And then he might figure out I’m really not perfect.

Image by Kjunstorm.

What

It’s the best thing you can do for your marriage. It’s simple. You already know how.
It is the Art of Listening.

Why

• It’s a basic (though often lost) courtesy of human interaction.
• Your husband is the most important person in your life. When you invest in him by listening, you invest in your own life.
• You don’t know everything about him. He can surprise you. You just need to give him a chance.

What It’s Not

1. Nodding, smiling, and saying “Mmmmhmm,” and “Sure,” and “Yes, of course,” while your mind wanders over the 1000 things you haven’t accomplished today.
2. Letting your eyes glaze over while he describes some technical/mechanical/sports-related item that you don’t understand or care to understand.
3. Having a running internal commentary of snide remarks that you won’t let yourself say out loud.
4. Interrupting.
5. Giving him the cues that say, “I’m really too busy for this, could you please hurry it along?”
6. Finishing his sentences.
7. Thinking of what you’ll say next when he finally stops talking.

What It Is

• Saying “I want to hear this, but I’m very distracted right now. Could we talk later?” when you are distracted by valid concerns, interruptions, children, etc.
• Following up on that by actually making time to sit down and talk, even if that means staying up later than you like, or skipping the tv show, or not getting to next chapter in your book or blog in your reader.
• Making eye contact.
• Acting like you have all the time in the world, whether you do or not.
• Asking questions.
• Employing the 5-second rule: wait 5 seconds after he finishes talking before you respond. Try it. Really.
• Looking for the real story.
• Leaving your assumptions behind.
• Showing that you are interested in what he says, in what he is interested in, just because of who he is. Even if you hate sports. Even if you don’t get how the gears fit together.
• Responding.

Go forth and listen!

Trust him.

Trust him like you trusted your Daddy (if you had a good one) or like you wished you could (if you had a bad one).
Trust him to care, trust him to listen, trust him to love you, trust him to need you, trust him to romance you, and most of all trust him to make decisions.

Trust him, because when you do, you set up the best possible pattern for your marriage. You set up this pattern: This marriage has to have a leader. You are the leader. I trust you to be a good leader. I trust you to think things through. I trust you to do your best. I trust you to have good intentions. I trust you so I don’t have to worry about it.

Perfect Is Not Part of the Equation

Now, of course, he will mess up. He will make silly decisions, spend money on stupid things, rush into things or wait too long and miss opportunities. That doesn’t matter. There are very few messes he can make by a bad decision here or there that are as far-reaching and serious as the one you can make by refusing to trust him.

Let me say that again:
It’s more important that you trust him than that you have perfect finances in perfect order, the best car for the best value, the best house in the best school district, the ideal job, the better salary, the church that really fits you, the friends who really get you.

Why? Well, you plan on staying married, right? You signed up for life? Your marriage, God-willing and the creek don’t rise, will outlast financial problems, debt, broken cars, leaky houses, screaming babies, pooping pets, ugly furniture, a wardrobe of fat clothes, several years of bad hair days, in-grown churches, mooching friends.

That other stuff is circumstantial, situational, here today and a sweet or sour memory tomorrow. But while that stuff fades, you’ll still be waking up next to him. Him, the guy you married, the guy who probably didn’t know much when you married him, the guy who is learning about life with you. He knew enough to marry you. He’ll figure the rest out.

When Things Don’t Look Good

Trust him so he can. Trust that he has good intentions. Trust that God will protect you and provide for you. Trust that you are strong enough and wise enough to choose what matters and handle the storm that might arise because of your choices. And there will be a storm, probably many. There will be storms of condemnation and criticism (Why didn’t you stop him? Don’t you two know any better?); there will be storms of fear and worry (What will happen to us?); there will be storms of guilt (I should have told him not to do that…); there will be storms of hopelessness (Will he ever change? Will he ever get it? Will we ever get out of this situation? Will things ever get better?).

A storm is violent and furious and over in a few moments. Hold on, hunker down, and outlast it. You’re woman enough for that.

The more you trust him, the more he becomes worthy of your trust.

Do you want a wise husband?

One who thinks about the future, who has a vision for your family, who guards your heart, who provides for your needs, who acts on truth? Then trust the husband you have.
Trust him as if he is wise and watch as he becomes wise.

—

This post is linked up with Fimby’s (brand-new!) Friday’s Flowers.

Images

1. Bouquet of wildflowers that look like daisies – mine.

2. Have white doves follow you courtesy of H.KoppDelaney on Flickr.

3. Hold his glowing hand courtesy of D. Sharon Pruitt (Pink Sherbet Photography) on Flickr.

For as long as we have been married, I have been able to silence (into deep, utter, uncomfortable, frozen silence) my normally upbeat and energetic husband with just five little words.

Honey, we need to talk.

Why Do Men Hate Talking?

It doesn’t matter what we need to talk about. It could be a good thing, or just a circumstancial thing I need help sorting out, or just my own feelings about… whatever. Not necessarily marriage-related, you understand. But it has never failed that when I utter those words, or something like them, Joe’s handsome, happy face morphs into this deer-in-the-headlights terror. I can see an inner struggle. He’s enough of a man that he tries – really, really tries – to respond positively. But I can see that he has to make himself.

For a while, that fact itself hurt my feelings. Why doesn’t he want to talk? If he loves me, why wouldn’t he want to spend time with me? I’m not mad at him. I just want to spend some time together. I just want to share. I just want to connect.

Why Do Women Lo – o – o – ove Talking?

So I did what any rational woman would do. I said, Hey, we need to talk about talking.
Wow. What a perfect solution. I’m sure that idea lit my husband’s heart with cheer and anticipation.
Hey, since you don’t like this whole talking thing, let’s take an hour or two to just talk through that dislike and once we talk enough (about talking) I’m sure we’ll get past it and you’ll probably like talking! And then we can just talk some more! All night, even! Wow! Won’t that be great?!

Bless him. He didn’t run away, screaming.

Recently I picked up this book at the library because, well, because of what I’ve just described above. The title: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

The funny thing is, we’ve come a long way in our talking (or not talking) and how we approach it and why we both react the way we do to each other. Joe was able to finally help me understand that my phrase and tone and even my facial expression all made him feel like he was thirteen again and just got called into the kitchen for a lecture from Mom. Wow, that’s not what I was trying to do… (Was it?) And I was able to help Joe understand that when he avoided talking to me, it made me feel instantly and unequivocably rejected.

Blame the Cortisol!

But this book – seriously – everyone who is married should read this book. Some of it I skimmed over, but a few sections I stopped and reread. Like this one:

“When it comes to relationships, women often mistake this guarded response, which many males retain throughout life, for lack of interest or even loss of love. Most of the time, he hasn’t lost interest; he’s merely trying to avoid the overwhelming discomfort of a cortisol dump… Cortisol is a hormone secreted during certain negative emotions. Its job is to get your attention by making you uncomfortable so that your discomfort drives you to do something to make the situation better. The pain a woman feels when her man shouts at her is caused by the sudden release of cortisol. A man feels this same discomfort when he is confronted with her unhappiness or criticism. He may look like he is avoiding her, but he is essentially trying to avoid a cortisol hangover for the next several hours” (1).

The whole situation of talking in our marriage is so stereotypical it’s kind of embarrassing. But this information is news to me. If it’s true (and their research seems valid), then Joe is actually made physically uncomfortable by my “we need to talk” statements because he interprets them as unhappiness and/or criticism (which, let’s be honest, a lot of times they are).

Not that this means he gets out of ever having one of those talks again… but maybe I will be a little more sympathetic. Or maybe I will tie him to a chair first…
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Images

1. Couple kissing courtesy of Jolien Vallins on Flickr.

2. Couple almost not kissing and talking instead courtesy of Jolien Vallins on Flickr.

Sources

1. Patricia Love, Ed.D, and Steven Stosny, Ph.D. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. New York: Broadway Books, 2007. Pages 12-13.

It’s not a good thing.

Men like to be taken care of. It’s relaxing and easy for them to become apathetic. It’s easier to let somebody else be in charge of those irritating little daily parts of life. The medium-sized parts of life. And while you’re at it, go ahead and take care of the big stuff, too.

The Big Toddler Syndrome

Here’s an example. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

“Sometimes I feel like Boseephus gets home from work and instead of my best friend – an ADULT – it’s more questions (where is this, where is that, what did you do here, what is going on there, have you done this, can you help with that, etc.) and more needs and more messes. And I just want to scream. I have been a Mommy all day long. The last thing I need is someone else to take care of.”

Does anybody have any idea what this lady is talking about? Ever been there? Felt that way?

Here you are, trying to be a good wife, trying to have a better marriage, a Biblical marriage, trying to help out and keep being in love… And this. This is not helping. This is not what you need. Where did your husband, that strong, capable man, go? Why did he disappear? And where did this adult-sized, toddler-brained look alike come from? And how do you fix it?

And how do you fix it? You?You aren’t the one who needs to fix it, that’s how.

Step away from the grown-up toddler.

How It All Starts

Men want their wives to be happy, so they sacrifice their own desires for their wives.
“Most women do not understand how much it pleases a man to please a woman, specifically how important it is to the man in her life to please her. Furthermore, a man does not simply want to please her — he lives to please her” (1).

They start asking instead of telling, getting the wife’s opinion instead of just making the decision, asking about our preferences instead of just doing things their way. That’s very nice and sacrificial and loving of them. Unfortunately… something gets lost in translation. We take in all the checking and asking as uncertainty (at best) or cluelessness (at worst).

The wife thinks, first, something like, “Wow, he really needs me, isn’t that sweet?” Then she thinks something like, “Wow, I have to babysit him.” Eventually it becomes a simple habit: “I have to tell my husband how to do everything.”

Meanwhile, the husband is thinking, I wouldn’t do it that way but because she requested it, or because I know she prefers it, or because I think it will make her happy… I’ll do it for her. So the husband lets her be in charge to accomodate her. The wife assumes that if she doesn’t take charge then he just won’t do anything. Soon he starts to resent the way she bosses him around. Soon she starts to resent the way he’s totally passive.

How It All Gets Worse

She may not have meant to, but little wifey took advantage of her husband’s willingness to let her make the choices and have her own preferences. A heart to help becomes twisted. It’s easier for the guy to let the woman take over; then he becomes apathetic in the areas in which she takes over, and then she takes over all the other areas. It quickly spreads.

That’s why the laid-back husband might start establishing these “hidden” areas, addictive hobbies, an obsession with sports, hours in front of the screen, etc. It’s just to establish something in his own life over which his woman cannot establish/maintain control… That’s why he gets so defensive about it, too, when the woman questions: Why do you spend so much time on the golf course/watching football/on the computer? The man is thinking, This is the LAST and ONLY thing which I have kept for myself, which I haven’t changed or given up in order to please you. Would you just leave it alone!

How It All Needs to Stop

Somebody needs to step back and create some space here. We wives often won’t get out of the way long enough to give them room to lead. We get so used to being consulted, accommodated, in charge, that we make it nearly impossible for our husbands to do things without “checking” first. We don’t want to be in charge, really, but they don’t know how to take charge again without offending us.

My recommendation for the wife of Boseephus – or the wife of any man who has reverted to toddler-like behavior - is this:

• Get busy with your own responsibilities, hobbies, and stuff so you’re not just sitting around looking available to do/control/critique his responsibilities, hobbies, and stuff.
• Give him a little downtime when he first gets home from work to unwind. Everybody unwinds differently. Maybe he likes to chat, be silly, rough house with the kids, zone out on the computer or in front of the tv, be alone for a few minutes, tackle a physical project. I know, I know: you want to see him, you want to talk to somebody over the age of 10, you need to unwind too. You’ll get your chance! Just hang in there a little bit longer. Try it. See what happens.
• Use these three magic words for those questions you shouldn’t have to answer (e.g. where is my wallet?, or, have you seen that random thing that fell out of my pants pocket, sat on my closet floor for three days, and has now disappeared?): “I don’t know.” Be nice, now. You could even say, “I don’t know, honey.”
• Don’t get upset when he starts making some decisions without consulting you first. It’s kind of a package deal. You don’t get to say I’ll be in charge of areas x, y, z, and you be in charge of areas a, b, c, but please ask me about d, don’t do e without checking first, and for pete’s sake remember how I prefer f to be handled! Come on. Chill out a bit. Try new things. It will be good for you. Weeeeee!
• If you’re up for extra credit here, try this too: start asking about his preferences and opinions. That doesn’t mean you have to custom-cater everything to his whims. But it’s kind of nice to know what he likes, isn’t it?

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Images

1. Toddler in the bath courtesy of Jolien Vallins on Flickr.

Sources

1. Patricia Love, Ed.D, and Steven Stosny, Ph.D. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. New York: Broadway Books, 2007. Page 66, quoting research by Patricia Love and Jo Robinson for the book Hot Monogamy in which 1500 couples were interviewed regarding relationships.

You need friends besides your husband. You need girlfriends and sisters and preferably a mom or two (whether biological or not). You need women in your life, because those friendships provide understanding, comfort, inspiration, and camaraderie in a way that is different from what you’ll develop with your husband.
And you need to hold on to interests that are your own, unique and special, whether hobby or craft or pastime or work or passion. Those are important. You shouldn’t let go of the things you love, the things that are fun for you.

However, I believe that those girl-friendships and those personal-interests should be second fiddle to your husband. In what should be a normal marriage, you should be closer to your husband, spend more time with your husband, and have more fun with your husband than you do being with anyone else or doing anything else. This is ideal, though it’s not always reality.

It’s not always reality because sometimes we get so serious about marriage that we make it all a chore. We get really intense about having time together, about talking and sharing, about growing our relationship, bonding, building intimacy. Sometimes we forget to just relax and have fun.

I got lucky. My husband is one of those crazy-fun, life-of-the-party, always-has-an-idea kind of a guys. If I want to have fun, I just clear my schedule and wait around for what he comes up with next. I’ve learned that you can do almost anything and have fun. (Almost is a key word here. Anything involving excruciating physical pain is difficult to fit into the fun category. Childbirth, for example: not fun.)

My tendency is to give practical tips, and I want to start writing a paragraph about the elements of fun times, or 55 fun things to do together, but I think that just won’t work in this case. You don’t need me to tell you how to have fun, or what to do for fun. I think the best advice I can give is to loosen up. Maybe clear your schedule a bit, shorten your to-do list, so you can have guilt-free time for fun, so you won’t be so hurried and stressed that you’re virtually unable to experience fun.

Laughing together builds intimacy faster than anything else.

I think most of us don’t need deep conversations with our husbands as much as we need to laugh at their jokes and tell a few of our own. Maybe let’s start renting comedies instead of dramas, and then we’ll have more comedy and less drama. Next time you’re in the middle of an argument, stop and tell a knock-knock joke. Or get in a tickle war. Or smear chocolate icing on his face. (That last one has personally worked for me to defuse the tension, so I can recommend it. Just be prepared for retaliation.)

Life is serious enough without us adding to it.

Sometimes, I confess, I am not quick to have fun. Like that time I had fallen asleep on the couch and my husband squirted Cheez Whiz all over my face. I awoke with the cold light of fury in my eyes. Then I got him back. Then I told him how rude he was. Then, later, I laughed…

Fun is pretty simple, though. It’s just a little twist on the everyday stuff. It’s laughing instead of grunting. It’s telling a joke instead of complaining. It’s being hokey enough to pretend everything is an adventure even when it isn’t. It’s being humble enough to look stupid. It’s being confident enough to try new things.

And I’m really interested in how other people have fun. If you have a minute, could you answer two questions? 1) What “special” things do you do for fun with your husband/family? and 2) How do you make the normal, daily stuff fun?

Now go have some fun, you crazy kids!

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This post is linked up with Se7en’s Fabulous Friday Fun.

This article was written by my sister, Mileah Hodge. She has walked through fires and come out shining like gold, with humbleness and wisdom to build a strong marriage.

Yellow light means CAUTION

Caution lights usually mean SLOW down and assess the situation as you approach. God has given us built-in caution sensors. We know when something is wrong. We can be blowing through life at 70 miles per hour but when we sense the caution light, we slow down. It is our God-given nature and duty to protect our home.

A wise woman watches over the ways of her household.

Proverbs 31:27

Read & Respond to the Warning Signs

Be aware. We don’t approach an intersection without caution. Don’t drive blindly in your marriage either.

I know when something is bothering my husband. He may not want to talk about what it is, and it’s not always necessary that we do, but I am always aware. Sometimes my job is simply to be the wife that I am supposed to be, and support him in prayer and leave him & God to deal with whatever is going on. Sometimes God uses me, most often in ways I’m not expecting.

Guard your heart. Proverbs 4:23 says it best, “Keep your {own} heart with all diligence for out of it spring the issues of life.” That’s pretty heavy. Our pastor has a few little sayings that go along with that….”What you see, you will eventually be. What you ponder, you will soon honor.”

You get the idea. What we allow ourselves to focus on, plants itself in our hearts. And after a while, we pursue what we have in our hearts. Guard your heart diligently!

Don’t allow the actions or reactions of the world to influence your behavior. The world will tell you it’s okay to have a crush on someone who is ‘unattainable.’ FALSE! That sets a dangerous precedent in your heart.

It’s not okay for your husband to stare gaga at the beer commercial with the scantily clad women in them. WARNING! Watch over your household; that means all parts of it, including the media that comes in, the books you read, and whom you friend on Facebook.

Guarding Your Territory

There are also warning signs of a different nature; those of a poacher trying to hunt the big buck on the reserve. Someone is encroaching on your territory. That’s your buck, and some hussy has him in her sights.

Like a momma bear guarding her cubs, I go into warrior mode when I sense another female vying for my husband’s attention. Sometimes the warning signs are simply a lingering glance in his direction, a small flirtation, and to my husband’s credit, he’s completely oblivious! Other times, the warning signs are more dangerous.

When to apply caution for yourself AND your spouse:

• mild flirting
• too much attention to, or given by your husband, to/from someone of the opposite sex
• too much attention to, or given by you, to/from someone of the opposite sex.
• development of friendships w/ single members of the opposite sex
• unresolved conflict between you and your spouse. {This can cause you to seek comfort from an understanding friend, of the opposite sex.}

Smart Limits

In case you’re not seeing the repetition here – I’ll spell it out for you. You cannot maintain close friendships with members of the opposite sex after you are married. You’d think that would be an obvious observation but often it’s not, until it’s too late.

What starts as a seemingly innocent friendship may not end that way. The only man I should seek friendship from is my husband! No one else should ever be allowed to be that intimate or close with me.

You can develop a dangerous attachment to anyone who offers a sympathetic shoulder. Unresolved conflict in your marriage is one of the easiest ways for both husband and wife to justify spending time with someone else. And trust me, you will not like the outcome. Ladies – as fervently as we guard our children from danger, we should even more fiercely guard our hearts and our marriage from predators.

Sacred and Transparent

Hold your marriage as sacred! Because it is. It is a holy covenant before God and should be respected.

The foundation for a strong marriage is transparency. Don’t ever let there be any secrets between the two of you. That is where the breakdown begins. I have an open door, open phone, open email, open Facebook policy with my husband. There is NOTHING that is secret or hidden from him. Why? I want and need the accountability that brings. If I am transparent before my husband, than I will never have to worry about being unfaithful to him! That is a fact.

RED Light Cautions

• A pattern of deceit. This is the foundation for betrayal. It starts with small untruths. Before long, you find it easier and easier to hide bigger things. You take bigger risks. Before you know it you are justifying your actions and you are on a slippery slope downward. It is a matter of time before you fall.
• Too much computer time/phone time. If you or your spouse are spending too much time using the internet or phone for your social interaction then the risk skyrockets. It’s so easy to develop those seemingly “harmless” friendships online. And you are intentionally shutting your spouse out of your life. {Yes ladies, friendships on Facebook with your ex-boyfriend…don’t go there.}
• Leading separate lives. This seems like such an obvious warning sign. But oddly enough it’s one of the ones that will often go unnoticed the longest. When we develop the attitude that we are two independent people with different interests who should be able to continue to do the things we each enjoy, we are setting a dangerous precedent for infidelity. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Matthew 19:5

• Seeking validation/attention elsewhere. If your life is a constant attempt to get people to notice, admire, and talk about you, watch out. If you put more effort into your profile picture than into your marriage, watch out. If you’re engaging in “harmless” flirting, chatting, and mutual admiring, you’re in trouble. There’s nothing harmless about flirting with other men. Every attempt to get attention that way takes you a step further from your spouse.

Watch Out for the Mud Pit

The truth of marriage is that it is not perfect. I don’t like to watch sports, but should I sacrifice what I want to spend time with my husband? YES! Dying to self is one of the first rules of a great marriage.

A second truth is that we cannot use our spouse’s failings to justify our own selfishness. Ouch! Yeah that hurts to hear; trust me it hurts to say it. I have a big fat finger pointing at myself. When my husband fails to respond to me in love, I don’t get to hurt him back. Don’t try to level the playing field; you will just end up in a mud pit.

Be a Wise Woman

A wise woman watches over the ways of her household, remember? It’s difficult, and it requires much from you. It’s far easier to quit taking things so seriously, flirt a little bit, watch whatever comes on, and just go with the flow of our culture. But you know what the wise woman gets in the end? She gets the love, admiration, and commitment from her husband, and is praised by her children.

That’s a reward worth seeking.

5-Minute Marriage Check

(Annie here.)

Yesterday I went through my husband’s Facebook friend list and deleted a few, mainly gals who had profile photos with more cleavage than face.

Right now we don’t have high-speed Internet access in our home, but if we do, we will also have some program or firewall that will block “adult-rated” sites.

When we’re watching a movie, at home or in a theatre, and there’s any sort of female nudity, my hand is over his eyes.

When we’re out in public and I catch some hussy eyeballing him, I slide a little closer, give him a big kiss and a smile, and move us in the opposite direction.

He laughs at me sometimes, and I just smile and say, “Hey, no problem. That’s my job. You can thank me later.”

I take down the hussies. I guard against porn entering our home. Why? Because I don’t trust my husband? No. Because it’s just good common sense. There’s no point in opening the door to temptation just to see how strong you are. That’s foolishness.

5-Minute Action Point

As you seek to guard your own heart diligently, think about practical things you can do to make your home a place where marriage is valued and guarded, and temptation is booted out the door.

Think about the things you watch, read, and do online.

Think about the people you hang out with at work.

Think about your conversations.

Think about the friends who come over.

Think about the clothes you wear: are you creating temptation for another woman’s husband?

The best defense against infidelity is a close, intimate, transparent relationship with your husband. But it sure doesn’t hurt to put a few signs up, just to make it clear to people who don’t get it: We’re not interested. We’re in love.

Image courtesy of iwanp.

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This post is {day 26} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It’s a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We’ll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We’ll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we’ve picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day’s reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here’s to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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