SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

What

It's the best thing you can do for your marriage. It's simple. You already know how.
It is the Art of Listening.

Why

• It's a basic (though often lost) courtesy of human interaction.
• Your husband is the most important person in your life. When you invest in him by listening, you invest in your own life.
• You don't know everything about him. He can surprise you. You just need to give him a chance.

What It's Not

1. Nodding, smiling, and saying "Mmmmhmm," and "Sure," and "Yes, of course," while your mind wanders over the 1000 things you haven't accomplished today.
2. Letting your eyes glaze over while he describes some technical/mechanical/sports-related item that you don't understand or care to understand.
3. Having a running internal commentary of snide remarks that you won't let yourself say out loud.
4. Interrupting.
5. Giving him the cues that say, "I'm really too busy for this, could you please hurry it along?"
6. Finishing his sentences.
7. Thinking of what you'll say next when he finally stops talking.

What It Is

• Saying "I want to hear this, but I'm very distracted right now. Could we talk later?" when you are distracted by valid concerns, interruptions, children, etc.
• Following up on that by actually making time to sit down and talk, even if that means staying up later than you like, or skipping the tv show, or not getting to next chapter in your book or blog in your reader.
• Making eye contact.
• Acting like you have all the time in the world, whether you do or not.
• Asking questions.
• Employing the 5-second rule: wait 5 seconds after he finishes talking before you respond. Try it. Really.
• Looking for the real story.
• Leaving your assumptions behind.
• Showing that you are interested in what he says, in what he is interested in, just because of who he is. Even if you hate sports. Even if you don't get how the gears fit together.
• Responding.

Go forth and listen!

If there were one thing and one thing only I could tell every newbie wife it would be this. Now I'm only speaking from almost-six years of marriage experience. Maybe my one piece of advice will be totally different when it's ten or twenty years. Probably, because last week I know my one piece of advice was to accept him as he is. (How's that for a wallop of advice?) But this week it's different. This week I've got it. This is the important one.

Trust him.

Trust him like you trusted your Daddy (if you had a good one) or like you wished you could (if you had a bad one).
Trust him to care, trust him to listen, trust him to love you, trust him to need you, trust him to romance you, and most of all trust him to make decisions.

Trust him, because when you do, you set up the best possible pattern for your marriage. You set up this pattern: This marriage has to have a leader. You are the leader. I trust you to be a good leader. I trust you to think things through. I trust you to do your best. I trust you to have good intentions. I trust you so I don't have to worry about it.

Perfect Is Not Part of the Equation

Now, of course, he will mess up. He will make silly decisions, spend money on stupid things, rush into things or wait too long and miss opportunities. That doesn't matter. There are very few messes he can make by a bad decision here or there that are as far-reaching and serious as the one you can make by refusing to trust him.

Let me say that again:
It's more important that you trust him than that you have perfect finances in perfect order, the best car for the best value, the best house in the best school district, the ideal job, the better salary, the church that really fits you, the friends who really get you.

Why? Well, you plan on staying married, right? You signed up for life? Your marriage, God-willing and the creek don't rise, will outlast financial problems, debt, broken cars, leaky houses, screaming babies, pooping pets, ugly furniture, a wardrobe of fat clothes, several years of bad hair days, in-grown churches, mooching friends.

That other stuff is circumstantial, situational, here today and a sweet or sour memory tomorrow. But while that stuff fades, you'll still be waking up next to him. Him, the guy you married, the guy who probably didn't know much when you married him, the guy who is learning about life with you. He knew enough to marry you. He'll figure the rest out.

When Things Don't Look Good

Trust him so he can. Trust that he has good intentions. Trust that God will protect you and provide for you. Trust that you are strong enough and wise enough to choose what matters and handle the storm that might arise because of your choices. And there will be a storm, probably many. There will be storms of condemnation and criticism (Why didn't you stop him? Don't you two know any better?); there will be storms of fear and worry (What will happen to us?); there will be storms of guilt (I should have told him not to do that...); there will be storms of hopelessness (Will he ever change? Will he ever get it? Will we ever get out of this situation? Will things ever get better?).

A storm is violent and furious and over in a few moments. Hold on, hunker down, and outlast it. You're woman enough for that.

The more you trust him, the more he becomes worthy of your trust.

Do you want a wise husband?

One who thinks about the future, who has a vision for your family, who guards your heart, who provides for your needs, who acts on truth? Then trust the husband you have.
Trust him as if he is wise and watch as he becomes wise.

---

This post is linked up with Fimby's (brand-new!) Friday's Flowers.

Images

1. Bouquet of wildflowers that look like daisies - mine.

2. Have white doves follow you courtesy of H.KoppDelaney on Flickr.

3. Hold his glowing hand courtesy of D. Sharon Pruitt (Pink Sherbet Photography) on Flickr.

For as long as we have been married, I have been able to silence (into deep, utter, uncomfortable, frozen silence) my normally upbeat and energetic husband with just five little words.

Honey, we need to talk.

Why Do Men Hate Talking?

It doesn't matter what we need to talk about. It could be a good thing, or just a circumstancial thing I need help sorting out, or just my own feelings about... whatever. Not necessarily marriage-related, you understand. But it has never failed that when I utter those words, or something like them, Joe's handsome, happy face morphs into this deer-in-the-headlights terror. I can see an inner struggle. He's enough of a man that he tries - really, really tries - to respond positively. But I can see that he has to make himself.

For a while, that fact itself hurt my feelings. Why doesn't he want to talk? If he loves me, why wouldn't he want to spend time with me? I'm not mad at him. I just want to spend some time together. I just want to share. I just want to connect.

Why Do Women Lo - o - o - ove Talking?

So I did what any rational woman would do. I said, Hey, we need to talk about talking.
Wow. What a perfect solution. I'm sure that idea lit my husband's heart with cheer and anticipation.
Hey, since you don't like this whole talking thing, let's take an hour or two to just talk through that dislike and once we talk enough (about talking) I'm sure we'll get past it and you'll probably like talking! And then we can just talk some more! All night, even! Wow! Won't that be great?!

Bless him. He didn't run away, screaming.

Recently I picked up this book at the library because, well, because of what I've just described above. The title: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

The funny thing is, we've come a long way in our talking (or not talking) and how we approach it and why we both react the way we do to each other. Joe was able to finally help me understand that my phrase and tone and even my facial expression all made him feel like he was thirteen again and just got called into the kitchen for a lecture from Mom. Wow, that's not what I was trying to do... (Was it?) And I was able to help Joe understand that when he avoided talking to me, it made me feel instantly and unequivocably rejected.

Blame the Cortisol!

But this book - seriously - everyone who is married should read this book. Some of it I skimmed over, but a few sections I stopped and reread. Like this one:

"When it comes to relationships, women often mistake this guarded response, which many males retain throughout life, for lack of interest or even loss of love. Most of the time, he hasn't lost interest; he's merely trying to avoid the overwhelming discomfort of a cortisol dump... Cortisol is a hormone secreted during certain negative emotions. Its job is to get your attention by making you uncomfortable so that your discomfort drives you to do something to make the situation better. The pain a woman feels when her man shouts at her is caused by the sudden release of cortisol. A man feels this same discomfort when he is confronted with her unhappiness or criticism. He may look like he is avoiding her, but he is essentially trying to avoid a cortisol hangover for the next several hours" (1).

The whole situation of talking in our marriage is so stereotypical it's kind of embarrassing. But this information is news to me. If it's true (and their research seems valid), then Joe is actually made physically uncomfortable by my "we need to talk" statements because he interprets them as unhappiness and/or criticism (which, let's be honest, a lot of times they are).

Not that this means he gets out of ever having one of those talks again... but maybe I will be a little more sympathetic. Or maybe I will tie him to a chair first...
-

Images

1. Couple kissing courtesy of Jolien Vallins on Flickr.

2. Couple almost not kissing and talking instead courtesy of Jolien Vallins on Flickr.

Sources

1. Patricia Love, Ed.D, and Steven Stosny, Ph.D. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. New York: Broadway Books, 2007. Pages 12-13.

It's not a good thing.

Men like to be taken care of. It's relaxing and easy for them to become apathetic. It's easier to let somebody else be in charge of those irritating little daily parts of life. The medium-sized parts of life. And while you're at it, go ahead and take care of the big stuff, too.

The Big Toddler Syndrome

Here's an example. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

"Sometimes I feel like Boseephus gets home from work and instead of my best friend - an ADULT - it's more questions (where is this, where is that, what did you do here, what is going on there, have you done this, can you help with that, etc.) and more needs and more messes. And I just want to scream. I have been a Mommy all day long. The last thing I need is someone else to take care of."

Does anybody have any idea what this lady is talking about? Ever been there? Felt that way?

Here you are, trying to be a good wife, trying to have a better marriage, a Biblical marriage, trying to help out and keep being in love... And this. This is not helping. This is not what you need. Where did your husband, that strong, capable man, go? Why did he disappear? And where did this adult-sized, toddler-brained look alike come from? And how do you fix it?

And how do you fix it? You?You aren't the one who needs to fix it, that's how.

Step away from the grown-up toddler.

How It All Starts

Men want their wives to be happy, so they sacrifice their own desires for their wives.
"Most women do not understand how much it pleases a man to please a woman, specifically how important it is to the man in her life to please her. Furthermore, a man does not simply want to please her -- he lives to please her" (1).

They start asking instead of telling, getting the wife's opinion instead of just making the decision, asking about our preferences instead of just doing things their way. That's very nice and sacrificial and loving of them. Unfortunately... something gets lost in translation. We take in all the checking and asking as uncertainty (at best) or cluelessness (at worst).

The wife thinks, first, something like, "Wow, he really needs me, isn't that sweet?" Then she thinks something like, "Wow, I have to babysit him." Eventually it becomes a simple habit: "I have to tell my husband how to do everything."

Meanwhile, the husband is thinking, I wouldn't do it that way but because she requested it, or because I know she prefers it, or because I think it will make her happy... I'll do it for her. So the husband lets her be in charge to accomodate her. The wife assumes that if she doesn't take charge then he just won't do anything. Soon he starts to resent the way she bosses him around. Soon she starts to resent the way he's totally passive.

How It All Gets Worse

She may not have meant to, but little wifey took advantage of her husband's willingness to let her make the choices and have her own preferences. A heart to help becomes twisted. It's easier for the guy to let the woman take over; then he becomes apathetic in the areas in which she takes over, and then she takes over all the other areas. It quickly spreads.

That's why the laid-back husband might start establishing these "hidden" areas, addictive hobbies, an obsession with sports, hours in front of the screen, etc. It's just to establish something in his own life over which his woman cannot establish/maintain control... That's why he gets so defensive about it, too, when the woman questions: Why do you spend so much time on the golf course/watching football/on the computer? The man is thinking, This is the LAST and ONLY thing which I have kept for myself, which I haven't changed or given up in order to please you. Would you just leave it alone!

How It All Needs to Stop

Somebody needs to step back and create some space here. We wives often won't get out of the way long enough to give them room to lead. We get so used to being consulted, accommodated, in charge, that we make it nearly impossible for our husbands to do things without "checking" first. We don't want to be in charge, really, but they don't know how to take charge again without offending us.

My recommendation for the wife of Boseephus - or the wife of any man who has reverted to toddler-like behavior - is this:

• Get busy with your own responsibilities, hobbies, and stuff so you're not just sitting around looking available to do/control/critique his responsibilities, hobbies, and stuff.
• Give him a little downtime when he first gets home from work to unwind. Everybody unwinds differently. Maybe he likes to chat, be silly, rough house with the kids, zone out on the computer or in front of the tv, be alone for a few minutes, tackle a physical project. I know, I know: you want to see him, you want to talk to somebody over the age of 10, you need to unwind too. You'll get your chance! Just hang in there a little bit longer. Try it. See what happens.
• Use these three magic words for those questions you shouldn't have to answer (e.g. where is my wallet?, or, have you seen that random thing that fell out of my pants pocket, sat on my closet floor for three days, and has now disappeared?): "I don't know." Be nice, now. You could even say, "I don't know, honey."
• Don't get upset when he starts making some decisions without consulting you first. It's kind of a package deal. You don't get to say I'll be in charge of areas x, y, z, and you be in charge of areas a, b, c, but please ask me about d, don't do e without checking first, and for pete's sake remember how I prefer f to be handled! Come on. Chill out a bit. Try new things. It will be good for you. Weeeeee!
• If you're up for extra credit here, try this too: start asking about his preferences and opinions. That doesn't mean you have to custom-cater everything to his whims. But it's kind of nice to know what he likes, isn't it?

-

Images

1. Toddler in the bath courtesy of Jolien Vallins on Flickr.

Sources

1. Patricia Love, Ed.D, and Steven Stosny, Ph.D. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. New York: Broadway Books, 2007. Page 66, quoting research by Patricia Love and Jo Robinson for the book Hot Monogamy in which 1500 couples were interviewed regarding relationships.

I feel a little funny writing an article about having fun together. Questions assail. First, do I know enough about having fun with my spouse to actually give people advice on it? Two, after a bunch of far-more-serious articles about respect and trust and intimacy and the like, will people get this? Will it come across as flippant? Is it flippant? And most of all, this problem: fun is a relative term. What is fun to me is boring, strange, unnerving to a lot of people. So I'm not sure how to introduce the concept and give help that might be practical on a topic that is so subjective and preferential. But here goes. Read the rest of this entry »

Protect yourself and your husband from the subtle ways of infidelity.

This article was written by my sister, Mileah Hodge. She has walked through fires and come out shining like gold, with humbleness and wisdom to build a strong marriage.

Yellow light means CAUTION

Caution lights usually mean SLOW down and assess the situation as you approach. God has given us built-in caution sensors. We know when something is wrong. We can be blowing through life at 70 miles per hour but when we sense the caution light, we slow down. It is our God-given nature and duty to protect our home. Read the rest of this entry »

A stifled personality does not a happy marriage make.

Walking the Tight Rope

When you start writing about marriage from a Biblically based perspective, you can't avoid using words like “reverence” and even “submission.” Horrors. And though you try to give advice that stays true to Biblical principles while still making sense in our culture, it's difficult. There will be some who say you're too conservative, a fanatic, a freak, out of touch. Others will say you're shallow, affected by the culture, misinterpreting what the Bible says.

Everybody's Right, Everybody's Wrong

There is danger in any sort of marriage advice, even when it is based on something good. The danger is that we often take principles and turn them into methods. Then we cling to our methods, even when they cease to be helpful. Read the rest of this entry »

Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness, no laziness, no procrastination: never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.

-Philip Dormer Stanhope

#1: Take Ten

Find ten minutes today to read the Bible and pray: for your husband, your marriage, your own heart.

My Pastor suggests a chapter in Psalms and a chapter in Proverbs each day. Start with the one that corresponds to today's date and go from there.

Or choose only a verse or two to read and meditate upon. Let the Word of God sink into your heart.

Praying is simply a conversation with God. You talk and you listen. Be honest. Out loud or silent, it doesn't matter. God can hear your heart. Read the rest of this entry »

Xena's got nothing on you.

Time to Be a Warrior Princess

Strap on your sword; we're going into battle. To fight effectively you need to know your enemy, and guess what? It's not your husband. (Even though he may be acting like it.) Three opposing forces stand against you as you strive to build a better marriage. Let's meet and greet, and then we can slice and dice. Read the rest of this entry »