SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

This guest post is by Chandra Hawkins-Bernat. If you're interested in writing a guest post for Sister Wisdom, see the guidelines here.

I confess that pre-marriage and baby carriage, I had grandiose visions: children nestled sweetly under their (clean) sheets in a perfectly decorated bedroom, a family gathered around an immaculate dining room table, gourmet meals with coordinating napkins, lit candles, and the perfect mood music playing in the background. No picky eaters, no noisy conversationalists, no spilled milk all over Grandma Lizzie’s tablecloth.

Well, somewhere between here and the Twilight Zone, reality dawned. These visions, though certainly not bad, were not really very practical. They were hindering me from enjoying the moment and living life as life was meant to be: Honest, hopeful, happy, and free.

I come from a long line of immaculate housekeepers, who wanted to impart that trait on the next generation of women in their family. I had assumed that regardless of little mess-makers underfoot, I would be able to scrub my floors on my hands and knees once a week, dust once a week, vacuum once a day, be able to drink water from the toilet bowl, and never have be a dish or piece of laundry out of place.

As most mommas know, there are weeks that we feel that just taking a shower is an accomplishment akin to climbing Everest. And as far as keeping up with laundry goes that may as well be some uncharted territory on the Amazon where Native peoples and undiscovered insects inhabit. So how do we find that balance where familial and cultural expectations and necessity and desire lie?

Its been a slow process, but I have come to the conclusion through too many days of feeling overwhelmed and feeling something of a failure, that we are not the servants of our home, but our home is meant to serve us. With the dawning of this revelation, I felt like a burden was lifted! And perhaps more importantly, I felt free.

Let me illustrate:

One day while crying on the phone to my Grandma about my laundry nightmare she gave me some of the best advice: “Don’t sweat the small stuff, Chandra.” Momentarily arriving from out of my pity party, I sniffed. “How do I do that when my kids have to have clean underwear?”

She went on to explain to me that my Aunt, who happens to be a very busy middle school principle, doesn’t sort her laundry and doesn’t fold it. Grandma told me that my Aunt just figures that it gets wrinkled up anyway once in the drawers. I had an epiphany.

Folding laundry is one of those things that I felt that I had to do. It’s just what you are supposed to do, that’s what my mother taught me, that’s what Martha Stewart says. Right?

Wrong. If your laundry gets washed, but gets stuck on your husband's pool table (I won’t mention names here. Ahem…) and you end up sorting through that collective pile for the next month or so, then obviously your idea of folding your laundry and having organized drawers and closets is not working. Your home has become your master. Its time to reclaim it!

I finally learned to stop folding laundry and screw sorting socks. Our laundry gets put in its appropriate drawers, unfolded. With my little boys rooting around their dresser drawers it doesn’t stay folded anyway. And socks are sorted by family member but not paired. In a family of five, I would rather outlaw socks altogether.
But that’s not practical so this Momma gave up on pairing them. I would much rather go devote that time to some other creative project or a tickle fight. If there is a stray sock, I put it in a little baggie. If its match doesn’t resurface, then I use them for dust mittens for the kids, or make little snowmen out of them for gift embellishments at Christmastime.

Because of this simple, blessed conversation this principle started oozing out and running over into all other aspects of my home. I took to heart that poem about fingerprints on the windowpanes. I wash my windows, but not religiously. I started buying stock in Lysol wipes to keep my bathroom clean. I don’t fret about the dust. I would rather go pick a bouquet out of my garden and set it on a dusty table then waste that time removing the dust in an obsessive-compulsive fashion.
I also learned to set up my kitchen in a way that works for me. Just because your mom had the silverware drawer right by the towels doesn’t mean that that works for you. For me, I have one kid-friendly cabinet that is filled with all of their dishes (sippy cups, plates, bowls). Its easy for them to have access and they can start to help in the kitchen. My breadbox houses granola bars, pistachios, and other types of snacks in order to free up storage space.

Have you ever sorted your book collections by color? I used to think the only way to organize books was by genre’ and alphabetical by author. I threw that stuffy old principle out of the window too! My books are now sorted by color and not only do they add a colorful display, its much more my personality. Free spirited and fun loving.

So, my question to you is simple:

What are some ways that your home has become your master? And how can you go about reclaiming what’s yours? And what are some expectations that have perhaps been passed down from your grandmothers or mother to you that don’t work for you personally?

Today's 2 Cents Courtesy of:

Chandra Hawkins-Bernat is a daughter of a King, a wife of a Prince, mother of heirs to the Kingdom...and in her spare time she pretends to be a student, author, designer, and artist. She is currently working on a book as well as blogging about being an insanely creative mommy and loving life with boys and an adoring husband. Her posts will leave you feeling inspired to create: memories, beauty, projects of love, and works of art for yourself and your loved ones. Be sure to visit her at MonkeyShine and get inspired!

So I was thinking about what I mean by Modern Homemaking. I throw the term around, nonchalant, basically because I want to say hey I'm a cool hip young Mama, I can take care of my house and kids and still rock out on a Friday night.
Except.
Except that, sans caffeine, I will most likely be asleep by 9:00 on a Friday night.
Except that I've never really thought of myself as cool or hip, even when there might have been a smidge of validity to it.

These exceptions lead me to conclude that what I think I mean by Modern Homemaking isn't really what I mean at all.
(They also lead me to conclude that I think way too much about things that probably aren't important.)

Things I Am Trying to Say

What am I trying to say, then?

I'm trying to say that the divide between "career woman" and "housewife" is arbitrary, stupid, and well past its expiration date.

I'm trying to say that there is glory, beauty, and honor in caring for your home and those who live in it with you. Even when that caring means picking up dirty socks, washing another load of linens, putting together another last-minute dinner.

I'm trying to say that I do value the daily managing and making of a home, but I don't value many of the standard side items.

I'm trying to say that I'm coming to peace with my own decisions. It's okay that I make a quick dinner so I have time to write an article. It's okay that I don't make dinner at all because I am flowing with this chapter and I want to get it done. It's okay that I close the laptop to do the laundry. And it's okay when the laptop, the laundry, and everything else must wait because I am resting, thinking, being. Or because I have fallen asleep on the couch again...

Homemaking is a term relegated to certain categories: outdated 50s-esque domestic mamas or crafty creative DIY types or simplifying, organizing comfort mavens. None of us fit perfectly into any category, and some of us resist categorization at all. We're all unique, but we feel like by identifying ourselves as someone interesting in "homemaking" we are instantly boxed, labeled, and shelved.

I tend to resent that just a little bit.
Okay, a lot.

Modern homemaking isn't about wearing vintage skirts or knitting scarves or cooking gourmet meals or having children or even having a husband. Wherever you live, with whomever you live, you can either make a home to dwell in or clean a house to sleep in. Those are two different experiences.

Home is important. We need home. We need the atmosphere of comfort, warmth, order, freedom. We need space to relax in, stretch out in. We need space by which we identify ourselves, in which we can be ourselves.

I've never lived alone, so all my talk of home includes, in my mind, the people we share a home with. But that's not even the core of it. Home can exist whether it is for me or for us. And sometimes, depending on the circumstances, you have to create a little home for me within the larger house for all of us. Sometimes that's how life is: not ideal. But you shouldn't wait for ideal.

Modern homemaking doesn't look the same for everybody. I am a stay-at-home Mom and a freelance writer; among my friends and acquaintances are women who are single, single or separated with children, separated without children, living alone, living with parents, living with friends, starting a career, having babies, staying at home with kids, working part-time, working full-time, running a business, working from home... you name it. All sorts of in-between places, roles that aren't clear-cut in a world that likes simple categories.

But all of these women are in the midst of daily making a home.

So my question is this: what is it about making a home that is important to all of us, as different as we are? How are we the same? How are we different? What can we learn from each other, both in terms of inspiration and practical, day-to-day methods? Are we willing to expand our category blinders a bit and see that the world - even the world of something like modern homemaking - is a bigger and more varied place than we knew?
Okay, that was more than one question. I'll narrow it down to one, because this is the one I'd really like to hear your answers to.
When you clean, or cook, or hang a picture, or wash a towel, or paint a wall, or organize the closet, or any of the myriad items that fall under "modern homemaking"...
What are you trying to say?

I've got a little plan. I've coerced some of my friends into writing guest posts for me so we can a few different perspectives. These guest posts will be running for the next several Mondays, the day I normally post some house/home related article. Next Monday will be Marci from Overcoming Busy. Stay tuned!

-

Images

1.What, you expect me to use this? courtesy of NicasaurusRex on Flickr.

Once upon a time, I had an elaborate morning schedule/routine all written out which included my daily housework items. It made me not want to get out of bed... and I'm a morning person.
Simplicity works best for me. I quit making lists and I just started doing what needs to be done every day.

daily routine

My "daily routine" usually means I sweep, straighten, and do a load of laundry every day. And take out any stinky diapers that have accumulated in the trash can. I cook and clean up the kitchen as needed (oddly, "as needed" falls into a three-times-a-day pattern almost every day, something about meals I guess). I don't write this stuff down anymore. I don't need to, because what I'm doing is intuitive, simple, simply what needs to be done. (I do write down my weekly routine because otherwise I would never wash the windows or dust the furniture.)

Other than that, if something I see is dirty, I either clean it right away or ignore it. It usually takes less time to just tackle the job than it does to get my calendar and write it down on a future to-do list. If I don't have time (or the will or the inclination) then, I ignore it until I notice it again and do have time.

weekly routine

This is the current weekly housekeeping groove I'm rocking. It's working for me. It's better than cleaning the whole house every day or not cleaning at all. What is that thing people are always talking about? Balance? Yeah. That might be worth looking into...

• Monday: sweep and mop floors, empty trash, dust (if I get to it).
• Tuesday: clean bathrooms, vacuum rugs.
• Wednesday: wash windows (only the ones that look really dirty), clean up porch and walkways.
• Thursday: try to catch up on laundry.
• Friday: re-clean what needs it.
• Saturday: make Sunday's lunch.
• Sunday: plan for the upcoming week.

a few things I've learned

Work on changing and improving one habit, one area at a time, establishing one habit at a time, making big progress toward one goal at a time. Commit to success at that one thing and just keep other areas on a routine, maintaining. Focus your energies, your attention - even if just for one week at a time.
The thing about clutter. My goal is an uncluttered, open, orderly, easy-to-maintain home. Stuff takes up so much time and work. If you're strapped for cash, take the opportunity and sell some stuff. Get more space and more cash. Get a little ruthless and get rid of any and all that you do not "know to be useful or believe to be beautiful."
And the useful thing: let's just say that if it's not actively useful - at least once a week, or on a regular basis - then it isn't worth keeping. It isn't useful if it isn't being used. Don't let the potential keep you locked in a clutter paralysis.

about cleaning supplies

I've already admitted I'm lazy, but you just can't leave well enough alone, can you? Fine. I'll admit it, then. I'm lazy and I'm cheap. The last thing I want to spend money on is......... housecleaning supplies! Come on, people! They're overpriced and they smell funny and they all essentially do the same thing and most of them are toxic and you still want me to buy 17 different kinds just to clean my bathroom?

I think not, my friends. I think not.

In my brilliance, I decided to make my own. How hard can it be? Well, kind of involved as it turns out. Do you remember that whole laziness factor? Yeah. It comes into play again here. Making an array of nicely bottled and labeled housecleaning supplies really isn't the way I want to spend my weekend, as it turns out. I could totally cheap out and just buy the dollar store all-purpose cleaner and use it on everything, but the toxicity factor bothers me just enough.

Here's what I did instead. I bought an empty spray bottle ($1). Then I bought a liter of Dr. Bronnor's Peppermint Castile Soap ($14.99 at my Walgreens). I already had some baking soda.

I filled the spray bottle almost full with water, added a couple of tablespoons of baking soda, a few tablespoons of the peppermint soap, capped it, shook it, and voila: my cleaning arsenal. That $15 bottle of castile soap will create, I don't know, like 50 spray bottles of my cleaning concoction. Peppermint is a natural antibacterial agent. Baking soda is good for something, I forget what. Plus when I clean the whole house smells like peppermint which makes it seem even cleaner than it is.

I use this on everything: bathrooms, floors, spills in the refrigerator, unidentifiable gooey spots on the wall, kitchen counters, mirrors, furniture. That and a bottle of Windex for the windows and I am set. Sometimes the lazy-cheap thing kind of turns out nice, after all.

Sometimes necessity isn't the mother of invention. Sometimes laziness is...

Images

1. I just can't wait to get home courtesy of Ale Bonvini on Flickr.

2. Look at the pretty sponges courtesy of Horia Varlan on Flickr.

in even the laziest creature among us
a wisdom no knowledge can kill is astir--
now dull eyes are keen and now keen eyes are keener
(for young is the year,for young is the year)
--let's touch the sky:
with a great(and a gay
and a steep)deep rush through amazing day

Pete and Repeat Were Sittin' on a Fence

The thing that kills me about housework is the repetition. No, that's not it. The thing that kills me about housework is the thought of all those other things I could be doing instead of housework. Repetition is just part of life, after all.

We shower every day (or thereabouts, hopefully), we say hello and goodbye and I love you, we eat three meals (or thereabouts), we sleep, we work. So on. Life is full of repetition, and that isn't always bad despite the occasional plunge into boredom. There are ways to avoid the boredom. Read the rest of this entry »

Principle: Your behavior means more than your background.

This is good news for people with less-than-stellar backgrounds and bad news for people with a perfect past.
Oh wait. I've never met anyone with a perfect past. Have you? I guess that makes it good news for all of us.
True, there are prejudices to overcome, assumptions to dispel, and first impressions that aren't accurate. You have to deal with what other people expect from you because of what they know (or assume) about your background. You still have to reckon with the emotional burdens and false ideas that you carry from your past. But you aren't locked in there.

What you do, day after day, carries more weight than where you've been. People may expect one thing of you, but if they consistently see something different, soon that is what they will expect instead. That can be good or bad: what's good is that it depends on you. It's in your hands, your choices, your life. Who you are and who you become isn't a matter of determinism, but of your will.

Challenge Update

I'm doing better at getting up early: more early mornings than late ones in the last ten days, though I'm still not quite hitting my target. But I'm getting closer, and the more often I get up early the more I enjoy the time I have in that quietness and the more I want to get up (even earlier) the next day. I'm building strength here...

and with exercising, too.

The best idea I've had for exercising isn't mine. My neighbor asked if I wanted to start walking in the park with her. We live right across the street from the city park, which has a 1/2 mile paved walking loop. I feel a bit hamster-esque, yes, but it's easy to keep track of how far you've gone and easy to push a stroller. Last week I walked three times by myself. I went 2 miles the first two days and 3 miles the last day. This week my neighbor and I have walked together; we went 5 miles on Monday and 4 miles yesterday. My legs are so sore, but I feel so much better and more energetic overall. Having someone to exercise with makes a huge difference. If you struggle to fit it into your life consistently, see if you can't find a buddy.

House/Work

I'm working on getting some routines in place for the general (dull) repetitive (dull) house cleaning that must be done on a regular (dull) basis. (Do you get that I find it kind of, um, dull?) Routines are perfect for dull duties: you set up a routine, you pay close attention the first few times you follow it so that you don't leave anything out (that's important), and then you can go on auto-pilot while you're employing it the rest of the time. You can think about your next great writing project or hair style, talk to your kids, call your best friend, listen to a podcast, sing with the radio. Whatever. Makes the dull stuff much better.

Here are some house routine articles and tips I've come across:

Great article at Minti: Routine for Grown Ups - Easy House Cleaning Tips.

The Queen of Kaos (whose posts and podcasts I enjoy) has good advice for Creating a Daily Routine.

AOL Home offers some ideas to develop A Cleaning Routine for Busy Women.

Old-Fashioned Homemaking also tells us how to Create a Cleaning Routine.

And Zen Habits offers a somewhat broader article on how to Handle Chores, House Cleaning, and Errands with Simple Systems.

Hope you find those helpful!