SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

1. Stop talking all the time.

Really. We are obsessed with talking about everything: meetings, marriage counseling, phone calls, texting, discussions, emails, chatting, family counsels, therapy.
Some of that's great, some of it is needed, but 87% of the time, the solution is not talk but action. You only need that 13% of talk time to figure out what action to take. From there, talking is just that much more procrastination. [Yes, I made up the 87%. Seems like a good number though.]

2. Stop updating your online life every 20 seconds.

You're distracted, and you're creating a false sense of connection, community, and productivity, and it's adding to the clutter in your life without adding any real value.
Update maybe 3 or 5 times a day (if that) and then spend time in the real world creating real connections, adding to a real community, and doing some things that are really productive. Like maybe counting the times I used the word "really" in that sentence.

3. Stop with the pointless comparison.

In what areas of life do you find yourself continually tripping up, falling, failing? Proverbs tells us that the fear of man brings a snare, and asks "Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy?" [Proverbs 27:4].
Those areas where you keep tripping and falling? Look for snare: the fear of man setting a standard that isn't right for you. And look for envy, which is guaranteed to make you fall. You can't stand in the face of it, so get it out of your heart.

4. Stop using your culture and your peer group as your only reference point.

Number #3 will be directly effected for the better. Get a new, bigger frame of reference. Study history. Read about different cultures. Read the Bible. Expand.

5. Stop feeling sorry for people.

Yourself, especially. Pity helps no one. It reinforces the self-defeating cycle of victimization. It enables addictions, narcissism, and poverty of the soul.
It justifies laziness, resentment, and fear. It makes you negative. Offer mercy. Have compassion. But in your mercy and compassion, always see and call people (including yourself, especially) to be their best, to live up to what God has made them to be.

6. Stop being snarky.

Sarcasm is not that great. I know, I know, there's a lot of it here. I'm working on it. Really, I am, because here's the bottom line: it's fun to be clever, and witty, and make people laugh. But at the end of the day, sincerity counts for a lot more than snarkiness.
When people need help, they will not turn to the wit of the group, they will turn to the one who will listen and answer sincerely. I want to help people. Do you? Don't turn them away by putting a witty one-liner at a higher value than someone's feelings.

7. Stop keeping stuff you don't need.

Old clothes. Old relationships. Grasp the "seasonal" concept and apply it to everything. Okay, there are limits! Marriage - keep that. Kids - keep them. Parents - hang on. Siblings - keep them too. Some relationships are meant to last a lifetime, but not all relationships are meant to last, and not all relationships can last at the same level.
If you're a loyal person (I am), it can be extremely difficult to realize this and take action accordingly. However, for the sake of the relationships in your life that do need to last, that do have a level of depth, you need to let go of others.

8. Stop with the feel-good friends.

Find some friends who make you a little nervous, uncomfortable, who ask questions you can't answer, who know more than you do about God, parenting, child-rearing, who challenge you, who inspire you, who call you to be (what was that we said earlier?) your best, to live up to what God has made you to be. Not convinced? Read Proverbs 27: 5, 6, 9.

9. Stop assuming people don't like you, don't get you, or don't care about you.

Sure, maybe for every 100 people you meet there will be 2 who don't get you, 1 who doesn't like you, and 1 who just doesn't care about you. But the other 96? They get you (on some level); they like you; they care about you (to some degree); and they like you.
All that is needed for more getting, liking, and caring is more time, and more of you getting, liking, and caring about them. So don't be paranoid. Risk it. People care, they really do. (P.S. I like you.)

10. Stop protecting yourself, your stuff, and your territory.

If you do just one thing from this list, make it this one. You want a better life? Really? Quit trying to control everything. Quit staking your claim in the world. Quit demanding that things go your way. Quit looking out for yourself.
Quit measuring, quit hoarding, quit defending. Open up. Give. Give more than you think you can. Flex. Go with the flow. Do things your husband's way. Ask your friend for her advice, then take it. Be generous with your whole life.
There is one that scattereth, and yet increaseth; and there is one that withholdeth more than is needed, but ends up in poverty. The liberal soul shall be made prosperous; and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.Proverbs 11:24-25

Better to live in the corner of a roof than with a contentious woman.

Simmer Down, Tiger

You know the boxer stance? Arms up, hands in fists ready to strike, eyes narrowed, focused on finding the weak spot, feet moving, restless, ready.

It's a great stance if you're a boxer and you need to punch the other guy out to win.

It's not so great when the other guy is your mate for life. Punch him out, you don't really win.

Them's Fightin' Words

A contentious woman is a woman out for a fight. She's always asking questions. She requires explanations. She needs more details, more information. She likes to offer alternate plans, helpful suggestions, better ideas.

She doesn't like just listening and accepting and following. She wants to be in charge; if she can't outright take over, she works it by always “modifying” the plan. He says green, she says, “Okay, but light green.” He says burgers, she says, “Okay, fine, but not that one place with the greasy fries.”

She has to be involved in making the decision. She really wants to be the one making the decision; since she isn't, she is constantly correcting, instructing, tweaking, improving his decisions.

Compare and Contrast

Is it wrong to ask questions or make suggestions? No. It isn't. But there are two very different ways to ask the same question. C'mon. You know.

There's the huffy way, with the Mom-like tone of voice and the sigh of exasperation at the end (sometimes it's the snort of contempt, another favorite).

Or there's the happy way, with the normal voice, no not-so-hidden agendas involved. That's the way that tells your husband he can actually answer your question honestly without fearing the repercussion.

Your Husband Gets You

He can tell when there's strife in the air. He senses it. Guess what? God designed men to stand up to those who challenge their authority and position. It's God's way of providing protection for the family.

Guess what else? God commanded men to love their wives sacrificially, as Christ loves the church.

When you are contentious, you are creating a situation that is simply impossible for your husband. He has to either 1) ignore his natural drive to face and defeat challengers or 2) ignore the command to love you.

Snip, Snip, Snip

Put yourself in your husband's position for a moment. He comes home, he senses your hostility (that's what it is, when you get right down to it), he knows he better tread carefully or there will be a fight.

He mentions an issue at work, or plans for the weekend, and you start asking questions in that snippy little voice. No answer. He's right there, he's just not responding. You ask again. No answer. You look around, and see him retreating into the garage.

Why You Get Ignored

The moment you whipped out the snippy voice with the baited questions, he had to decide. His first instinct was pure male: to take the bait (which he is aware of, because you're not as sneaky as you think), pull out his can of “WHOOP-BUTT,” and apply it, liberally, to you.

His second instinct was husband: to avoid the fight, repercussions of which tend to ruin the night, and get the heck out of Dodge until things cool down.

Showdown at the O.K. Corral

And you? You don't really like either option, do you? You want to fight and you want to win, because you're dying to prove something to somebody.

Maybe you want to prove that you're smarter, or better, or funnier, or that you work harder or do more or need more money or more time or more help. You probably forget what the point was by the time the fight's over, because the real point was just to fight.

Disturbing the Peace

Why are you so eager to get out the boxing gloves?

• Comparing: you have a continual mental scale of what he does vs. what you do. When the scale isn't balanced, you want to fight.
• Discontentment: you're simply unhappy on a level that has nothing to do with circumstances, and you're letting it come out by striving.
• Unresolved Issues: there's an issue that's been bothering you and instead of addressing it humbly and directly, you're picking fights about everything else.
• Parenting Problems: you haven't been dealing with the verbal or behavioral strife coming from your own kids, but by the end of the day you've got to get it out on somebody.
• Feelings of Failure: you're not making progress on a goal, project, or area of personal growth and that failure is hitting you deep. In response, you're lashing out.
• Disorganization: a disorderly home, a packed schedule (or no schedule at all), clutter, and lack of priorities leave you stressed and drained by the end of the day, but instead of dealing with the problem you distract yourself with a fight.

The Fall-Out

What happens when you are constantly looking for a fight?

You find one.

You get ignored. You get hurt. You get angrier. You get offended, and the offenses become a sticky mass of resentment that settles in your heart.

This is not what a happy marriage is made of. It's time to change.

5-Minute Marriage Check

Some personalities are more directly confrontational; others tend to avoid a fight but get anger out through passive-aggressive ways. Neither way is a healthy habit for marriage because your spouse is not your enemy.

You are two against the world.

You are two against the culture.

You are two against the adversities, pains, losses, disappointments, and trials that will be part of life.

You can face them together and overcome, or you can tear each other down and be torn apart.

Do this: Go outside. If it's raining, stand under the porch. Look around. Look up. The world is big. Take a deep breath. Say this to yourself:

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called daughters of God.”

(My paraphrase, Matt. 5:9, NASB)

Decide to be a peacemaker. Decide to agree instead of argue. Decide to encourage instead of analyze. Decide to support instead of question. Decide to give instead of demand.

5-Minute Action Point

Which area needs work in your life?

• Comparing
• Discontentment
• Unresolved Issues
• Parenting Problems
• Feelings of Failure
• Disorganization

It might be more than one area. For each area that you know is a problem and is creating contention in your spirit, get a piece of paper or a note card.

Write down the specific problems. For example,

Comparing: I think other women look better than me, and I'm always wondering if he thinks that too.

Unresolved Issues: I'm still grieving over my miscarriage.

Feelings of Failure: I can't believe I lost my job; and I can't lose this weight and I feel like a slob and a failure.

Disorganization: I never feel prepared for the week, the house never gets clean, I can't figure out what to cook for dinner and we end up eating out.

For each item you wrote down, do these two things:

1. Pray about it. Ask for help. Ask for wisdom. Ask for forgiveness. Give it to God.
2. Take action on it. It is dead-weight as long as you try to ignore it. Do something about it; decide what, and put it on your card. For example,

Comparing – my action: I'm going to memorize Psalm 45:10-17 and I'm going to wear make-up every day because I feel better about myself when I do.

Unresolved Issues – my action: I'm going to talk to my husband about this and about how much I'm still hurting over it.

Feelings of Failure – my action: I'm going to find a diet/exercise plan and follow it, and I'm going to work on my resume.

Disorganization - my action: I'm going to use Sunday nights to plan for my week, and I'm going to make a menu, and I'm going to clean for 20 minutes every night.

You may still fall short in these areas, especially if you have a lot of things you want to work on. Pick the top two and focus on them, first; pray, and complete the action. Then go on from there. You will see and feel a difference in your spirit as you deal with these problems.

Free yourself to be a peacemaker.

Image by kikfoto.

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This post is {Day 10} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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The standard advice is to focus on one habit at a time; that's what I usually recommend, because it's simply more difficult to overhaul your entire life in one month. You'll have a far easier time establishing one habit than trying to establish twenty. That said, sometimes your life/circumstances/time line/tendency to be a glutton for punishment dictates that you take on more than one change at a time. You can be successful that way, too, and in the end you'll have established a good amount of positive change in your life. But you have to focus on what you're doing and plan how you'll do it, or else you'll get bogged down on Day 4.

Method: Create a Routine

Routines are great when you want to establish several related habits at once. For example, one month I worked on establishing a morning routine; it included getting up at a specific time, reading my Bible, having breakfast with my husband, straightening up the house, and posting on my blog. Those were all habits I needed to establish, and by creating a routine that incorporated them all into one time-frame, they became, essentially, one “big” habit to tackle at one point in the day. I didn't have to try to remember different new habits at different points in the day.

Key: Find a common thread in your new habits and create a routine out of them. It doesn't even have to be linked to a specific time of day, though having time as as trigger is usually helpful. Write down your routine and keep it close by. Set an alarm to remind yourself when it's time to go through the routine, and check off the items one by one. Get yourself used to doing all of the items in the same order, and as the habits form, one item will trigger another.

Method: Make Appointments

If you want to form two or three habits that simply don't fit into a routine together, make separate appointments for each one. Establish a time of day when each should be accomplished, and write it into your daily schedule just as you would a meeting, a dentist appointment, or a date. Find someone to meet with you, if possible, as you establish these habits. Perhaps you have a friend who wants to start jogging, too, so you make an appointment to meet everyday after work for a jog together.

Key: Making your appointment in a way that tells you it is serious, and knowing you will let someone down if you forget about it. If you never look at your planner, then writing down a new habit in it won't help much. But if you depend on your planner to keep your life somewhat sane, it can be a great tool.

Method: Link to Habits You Already Have

For each new habit you want to form, create a link to an old (strong) habit you already have, such as eating dinner or watching your favorite show. Leave your set of hand weights on your couch; when you sit down to watch the show, do your arm-toning exercises. Or put a note up in your kitchen reminding you to call your Mom; when you step in to fix dinner, you will see it and can give her a call while you prepare the food.

Key: Pick a habit that is strong and hardly ever flexes. If you eat in half the time and eat out the other half, so your dinner routine isn't the same every night, then linking to that habit might not work. Think of the things you do the same way, at the same place, and around the same time, every single day. Then find a way to link your new habit to one of those, and you'll have an automatic daily trigger.

Method: Set Yourself Up

So if your new habit is to get up and go for a walk every morning, but that cup of coffee just sounds too tempting, get rid of the coffee maker! Have a friend keep it for a month. Put your walking shoes on the floor by your bed, and a note telling you to walk for your coffee. Plan your walking route to end or loop at a great coffee shop in the area, or treat yourself to a coffee on the way to work once you've taken your walk. Once you establish the habit, you can bring your coffee maker back home and let yourself enjoy the home java after your morning walk.

Key: Eliminate the temptation to skip the new habit by getting rid of it, at least temporarily. And make sure you have the gear you need for your new habit in an obvious place, so you can't accidentally forget what you are supposed to do.

Always Keep a Record

No matter what your habits and what methods you use to establish them, keep a record somehow. Journal, jot notes in your planner, text message yourself, post it on your blog or social pages, something. You need to be able to see that you are making progress, and keeping a written record not only helps you do that, it also serves as an additional reminder and a way of noticing what made the habit more difficult and what made it easier to establish. You can use what you learn as you go on to establish more new habits.

Success is sweet. Remember, though, that failure happens sometimes. You might mess up a few times, but don't throw out the whole effort. Stop, regroup; remind yourself of why you're doing what you're doing. Write down the end result. Think about the goal you have. Remember why it's important to you to get there, and how this habit helps you reach your goal.

Related Material...

Choice from The Wilder Zone

Start 2009 with a Clean Slate from The Integrated Mother

Image Courtesy of woodleywonderworks on Flickr.

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. ~Benjamin Franklin

Dream Big and Deep and Wide

If you, like me, can't resist the smell of fresh paper, the feel of a pen, and the urge to make a list, you know that you'll end up making your own list of resolutions. I think some resolutions are there simply to remind us of our dreams. It's okay to make them vague and big and unmeasurable. Our souls feed on our dreams. Give them plenty of food.

Make Some Dreams into Actions

Some resolutions need to be kept, right? The one you made to exercise, because your blood pressure is higher than it's every been, or you just never feel sexy anymore with those extra twenty pounds hanging around your midsection. It's time to start feeling sexy again (or organized, or peaceful, or whatever it is).

How to Keep Your Resolutions

For each dream you intend to turn to action..

1. Define the reason

2. Make it trackable

3. Make it public

4. Keep a record

5. Set up consequences (good and bad)

Define the Reason

You've got to know why you're pushing yourself or you'll just feel deprived and punished. Think about the rewards. Picture the goal, and remind yourself why it's important. Think about what will happen if you don't do this thing: what will you miss out on? What will you regret? When you're old and looking back on your life, will you be glad you put this effort in?

Make It Trackable

Repeat these words to yourself: specific and measurable. Specific and measurable. Specific and measurable. You know this. Come on. This is Goal Setting 101. You can't succeed at something like “exercise a lot.” How much is “a lot”? Specify, sister. “Exercise three times a week, for 20 minutes each time,” or “Walk daily for fifteen minutes,” or “Do an aerobics class at the gym four times a week.”

The only way you know you succeed is if you set up a way to measure your success.

Make It Public

The most powerful motivation may be internal, but there's something to be said for the fear of losing a bet. Go around bragging about your resolutions, and you know your friends will tease you when you don't keep them. Maybe it's childish, but I'll do a lot to avoid looking stupid. I might even exercise daily.

So make a bet with your brother, call up your best friend, email your Mom. Share your resolutions, talk about the changes you're making, and find friends to join in with you.

Keep a Record

Blog, write, tweet about what you're doing. Post your resolution list and talk about the one you're going to work on first. Set up monthly challenges and track your success in a forum or on your own blog. Keep a journal. Use Joe's Goals or another goal-tracking software. Mark your goals and your progress on your calendar.

Set Up Consequences

Use behavioral psychology to your advantage. If you achieve your goal, you get something you really, really, really want. If you don't achieve your goal, you have to do something you really, really, really don't like doing. You better make this part public, too, so you know you have to follow through.

Make it motivational. Don't set up something you don't really care about. “If I save $100 every month for three months, I'll let myself, uh, go have a burger at McDonald's.” Eccch, is that a reward or a punishment? Make it something good! And make sure you'll feel it if you don't follow through.

Don't pansy out on your potential punishment. “If I don't save $100 every month, then I won't get to, uh, shave my legs for a week.” Big deal. You can wear pants. What will hurt? How about, “If I don't save $100 every month for three months, then I have to cancel my iTunes subscription for the next three months.”

One at a Time

You can tackle as many resolutions as you want, but you'll do better if you focus on one at a time. Make your goal date-specific, and once you achieve it, move on to the next goal. Why? Because taking on too much is overwhelming, and when you start failing in one area you tend to carry that failure over into other areas. Suddenly you're going nowhere on anything you resolved to do. It's hard to pull yourself out of a slump like that.

But if you focus on one at a time, you can put more effort and attention toward a single goal. You'll be more successful, and that success will motivate you to move on and achieve your next goal. And if you fail, you've only failed at one thing. Learn from it, and move on to the next one at which you will succeed.

Related Material...

Great articles worth reading, all about forming great new habits:

Motivating Yourself to Exercise

Simple Steps to Change Your Bad Food Habits

What Would My 80 Year Old Self Tell Me To Do?

Teaching Good and Godly Habits

How to Make Good Habits Last

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Image Courtesy of woodleywonderworks on Flickr.

“Use now and then a little Exercise a quarter of an Hour before Meals, as to swing a Weight, or swing your Arms about with a small Weight in each Hand; to leap, or the like, for that stirs the Muscles of the Breast.” Benjamin Franklin

Update (Wednesday): 20 minutes cardio (walking in park); 5 minutes stretch/abs.

Using the opportunities you have helps you to do something that otherwise you would find excuses not to do. That is most possibly the wordiest sentence possible and says the least but I am using a really loud keyboard right now and just typing more words than necessary because I like the sound it makes. Clack clack clatter.

Okay. Let's try it again. I think what I want to say is this: You can either find a way to make do with what you have and reach your goal regardless of your circumstances, or you can make excuses and stay where you are, which is not where you want to be.

As Steven Pressfield says in his book The War of Art , "Casting yourself as a victim is the antithesis of doing your work. Don't do it. If you're doing it, stop." (By the by, there are 118 customer reviews at Amazon on this book. Is that normal? 118? Wow.)

Resources: Go to your local library or bookstore and check out a copy of Pressfield's book. It's a great, creative kick-in-the-pants, and though it addresses the "creative life" most directly, the principles apply to any endeavor.

If you are a graphic designer or photographer, check out TheCreativeForum.com, which is "a Web-based community for the creative professional that will allow graphic designers, art directors, commercial photographers and other commercial artists to exchange creative ideas via posting of images and work samples for discussion and critique." There you have it.

If you're a writer, read this excellent article from Write to Done - which I don't know much about, but I'm impressed with what I've seen; I think it's a good find - on establishing the daily habit of writing. (It comes from the Zen Habits blogger, Leo Babauta, so it's got to be good.)

Tip: It's more important to be diligent in the small things, everyday, than to kill yourself trying to accomplish that one big thing. The small things add up to big things. Pick something you've been slacking on (time with your spouse, exercise, calling a friend, reading, cooking a good meal) and be diligent and excellent at that small thing. There will be big results. It's just a matter of time + diligence.

Teach the wise, and they will be wiser. Teach the righteous, and they will learn more. Proverbs 9:9

Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself. Elie Wiesel

Update (Monday): 30 minutes cardio (walking); 5 minutes toning (abs).

I went through Kim Lyons' book yesterday and picked out some toning, strength, and stretching moves to try. I am needing a routine for that half of this extreme exercise regime... My "sexy abs sit-ups" just aren't quite enough.

Speaking of the Kim Lyon's book ( optimum everything in 12 weeks!), it's a useful tool for at-home exercise, plus a good overall fitness primer. She begins with an introduction to your body, then moves on to your mindset. Her discussion of habits is valuable for anyone wanting to make exercise and good nutrition a real part of life.

Because it's really all about the habits. We can force ourselves to stick to a diet for a certain amount of time, to really push through on working out for a while, but it is only in forming habits that we get long-lasting benefits. That's what these monthly challenges are all about: 30 days to form a habit.(Some people say 21, I know, but I'm going for 30 just to be safe.)

These life-improvement binges we go on don't help us; in fact, they turn us off to making real, positive changes. I went on a diet once, when I was 17. My whole family did; Mom read about it in a magazine. It was called " The Cabbage Soup Diet." To this day, I don't understand what dark, mysterious force compelled all 4 of us to agree to a week of eating cabbage soup. (That's wrong right there, I don't care who you are...)

I ate cabbage soup for a week and gained two pounds. I have never dieted since. One bad experience can turn you off from something that could be good. (Though I don't think cabbage soup is ever that good.)

It's better, far, far better to establish habits that you can maintain for a long time. You make small changes that produce small effects, but over months and years those small things become big. Diligence and consistency can accomplish lots more, and in a much more painless way, than fads and binges.

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Resources: From Fox News Health Blog, a 7-day log of the Cabbage Soup Diet experience. Read it and weep. (At least I did.)

From BPhoenix website, an article and list of fad diets. Yep, Cabbage Soup is on there.

From KidsHealth, an article on establishing habits that will help your kids be healthy eaters from 'kidhood' on. I don't at all agree with their "avoid battles" concept of training toddlers how to eat... But then, I seldom agree with popular culture's child-rearing philosophies. More on that some other time.

Tip: Think of one unhealthy habit you have now that you could change. It could be small, but small changes add up! Drink a glass of water every morning; eat a salad every night; snack on fruit instead of a Swiss Cake Roll. Pick one, and start making it a habit.

Say unto Wisdom, You are my sister; and call Understanding your intimate friend. Proverbs 7:4

1. Always be on the phone when you see him at the end of the day.

   Preferably, be talking to your girlfriend, your sister, or your mom about a topic that either (a) irritates him or (b) means absolutely less than nothing to him. Give him a slight wave but don't interrupt your conversation to give him a kiss, a smile, or a word. Continue talking with all the intensity you can muster. Be extremely interested in your conversation. Show no signs of slowing down just because he's around. And make sure you talk loudly, pace, or otherwise make yourself impossible to ignore. If you're at home, be sure the kitchen is dark and cold and very much untouched by you.

2. Talk to him like you would to your five-year-old nephew.

   An extremely effective method of irritation. Make sure you use the same small words, repeat yourself, ask if he understands at the end of every sentence, and throw in a somewhat drippy, condescending tone to top it all off. Use an appropriate pet name: cutie, silly boy, munchkin, and little man are all excellent choices.

3. Never tell him what's of concern to you, and never ask for his help.

   Be sure your stress is evident: creased brow, frown lines, nervous movements, loud sighs, and lots of muttering to yourself. If he takes the bait and asks you what's wrong, look at him like you forgot he was there, give a little laugh and say, “Oh, nothing honey, really...” Then ask him a very unimportant question using Method #2. Be sure you continue to look adequately stressed about your issue as he answers your question. Bonus points: Have a muttered, somewhat secretive phone conversation with girlfriend/sis/mom about said issue later that night. Be sure he sees you and catches your stressed tone of voice.

4. Keep a mental list of his faults; add to it continually.

   Of course you know he's not perfect, and the best way to show him that you know is to keep thinking about all the ways he isn't. You actually don't have to say any of these out loud to communicate your displeasure (although there will be chances for that, too). Just keeping that mental list will be sufficient, and be sure you add every new fault you notice as soon as you notice it, even if it's only happened once. Also, come up with creative little titles for the faults on your mental list. Include dramatic words with a sense of finality and hopelessness. For example, “picks his nose in the car” should be called “Is SO disgusting because he's ALWAYS shoving his finger up his nose in the MIDDLE of traffic.” Much more effective.

5. Mock him publicly, especially in front of your family and/or his friends.

   You will, of course, never be at a loss for what to mock him about since you've got that handy mental list ready at all times. And since you're continually thinking about it and adding to it, you'll be able to create a connection with whatever conversation you're in, no matter how vague to everyone else. Example: You run into a couple of friends at the grocery store who relate the horrible car wreck they witnessed yesterday. You listen and nod and then say, “Well, at least Jimbo here wasn't with you. He would've just stuck his finger up his nose as usual, right in front of all the cops...” Ignore Jimbo's look of chagrin. Ignore the fact that you've only actually seen him pick his nose twice in your entire relationship.

6. Moderate your interest level carefully.

   This is a key concept if you really want to alienate your husband. You need to practice because if you go too overboard with either demonstration it will just be weird. So get those “I'm really interested” signals down very well. Use them anytime you get a phone call, anytime you're talking about your past, anytime someone else in a group that includes your husband is talking, and especially when you're talking about your preferences, your day, or your emotions. Now, for the “I'm not at all interested and I'm just managing to tolerate the hideous boredom of this conversation” signals, pick key times. These include anytime your husband is talking about his family, his work, or his past; anytime he shares an idea (any kind of idea); anytime you're at some event that is more in keeping with his interests than yours; and especially anytime he hints around for intimacy. Really, the only time you should show interest when your husband talks is when he talks about you.

7. Cultivate irritating habits.

   The infamous silent treatment is probably the mother of all irritating habits. Be sure you use that one often. Nagging, of course, is another especially effective irritation. Use a whiny voice even when you're in a good mood. Sigh often without explanation. Blame everything on your hormones, your past, or your husband's typically male inability to be sensitive enough. Make fun of anything overtly masculine about him. Make fun of anything he likes that you don't. Forget the names of important people from his past. Act a little fuzzy about what he actually does at work when anyone asks. Get a baby-innocent blank look to employ when he asks you about his favorite sweater, season tickets, or “planned” trip to his family reunion. Come up with a girly, demeaning name for his favorite band, sport, place, food, etc., and use it often.

8. Be obviously manipulative.

   Face it, you're probably manipulative anyway, and it's probably obvious to your husband even if he doesn't point it out. Well, go ahead and play it up for all it's worth. Use that baby voice. Use sex as a prize if he does what you want (or lack thereof as punishment if he doesn't). Use all your best irritating habits to get what you want. Nag him about a vacation until he agrees. Start giving him the silent treatment if he doesn't seem interested in taking you to that new romantic comedy (making it even more romantic when he finally does agree to take you). Threaten to call his mother, your mother, his boss, or his best friend whenever needed. Use impossibly unreasonable jabs like “Do you really want me to be unhappy?” and “You really hate our kids, don't you?” and “I just never expected you to be so insensitive all the time.”

9. Never tell him what you want in a way that makes sense.

   Rely on your irritating habits and manipulation skills to get what you want. Never, ever just ask him for something in a normal voice. If he asks you a direct question about your preference, just say something like, “Oh, you know.....” or “Oh... I don't really care....”. Of course, if he makes the mistake of taking you seriously and simply making a decision without questioning you further and deciphering your hints until he finally figures out what you do want, employ one of those irritating habits like the silent treatment.

10. Maintain your impossible expectations.

    All those items on your mental list of your husband's faults are probably negative exaggerations of your own expectations of what he should be. By all means, hang on to these expectations, no matter how silly, because they are invaluable in keeping your husband alienated. Whatever you do, never consider the possibility that your expectations are the problem, not your husband's hideous faults. Meditate on your expectations religiously. See them as the key to your happiness. Refer to them as the only separation between the two of you and marital bliss. Take no responsibility for your attitudes or emotions when they go haywire due to an expectation being, once again, grossly unfulfilled. Consider yourself a selfless martyr every time your husband fails to either automatically understand an expectation or flawlessly meet it.

Employ these ten simple habits and you are well on your way to continual conflict, total dissolution of mutual interests, and marital hell. They're effective enough to be used singly whenever harmony seems to be rearing its ugly head, but are especially helpful when collectively applied over time. Ruin your marriage – don't let a day go by without alienating your husband!

Image courtesy of electricinca on Flickr.

Challenge Update: I'm on a roll, feeling like this 5 am wake time is more habit than not habit. I think I am going to have to continue to think of it as a monthly challenge for another month, however, to really get the habit solidified. Those few days of sickness and "rest" threw off my rhythm. Getting up is rather habitual, but my body is trained well enough to stay awake yet. I can stay awake, and do, but it's a struggle. I need to get that pattern in place so my body clock adjusts. I also need to work on going to bed a wee bit earlier than, oh, midnight.

Improve Your Life: Bill Ford, in his book High Energy Habits, suggests making a list of all the little things that annoy you and then dedicating time to taking care of those things. Here's what he says:

We pick up a lot of drag in our lives; little things that slow us down, which we hardly notice and come to think of as just part of life - inevitable friction, like barnacles on a ship's hull. The good news is that we don't have to put up with them and life is different when we do something about them.

Ford suggests making this list and then choosing three of the easy items on the list and tackling them immediately. He suggests making time every day to deal with these annoyances. And yes, for the inevitable protest of no time, he has an answer:

We are so busy that these little things do not seem to justify a high priority. But it takes energy to ignore them. And that is the cost - the energy spent on ignoring is wasted and it adds up.

So take his advice. I'm working on it. Yesterday I got rid of a dead plant that had been sitting in my living room, annoying me, for months. Then I tried to fix the loose screw on our table. I say tried because once I got the screwdriver and got under the table, the only screws I could locate were tight. So this is an annoyance I will have to pass on to my husband, the resident fixer-improver-constructor-man.

Be Open-Minded: Take a moment and think of a person you spend a lot of time with, like your spouse, your children, your cubicle mate, your best friend. Identify one thing you do, habitually, almost unconsciously, that has the potential to annoy that person. (Just pick one!) Work on eliminating that habit, or replacing it with something that will uplift and energize rather than annoy. You'll find yourself more uplifted and energized as well.

By the way, you can buy Ford's book online at Amazon for as little as $1.99. It's a good framework for revamping some life habits that drain you and includes chapters and suggestions on using your strengths more often, clearing clutter, creating time to think, and more.

Challenge Update: Late to bed, not early to rise. I got up and started my coffee, then made the mistake of laying down for "just a few more minutes" while it brewed.

Not a good idea.

What is so difficult about consistency in getting up early? Let's look at the factors.

Physical Factors

• Physical Weariness/Fatigue: Fatigue is caused by more than just how much sleep you get; unfortunately, most of us always attribute weariness to lack of sleep without considering other causes. Psychologically, then, if you experience lots of fatigue during the day, you're much less likely to want to get up when the alarm goes off. The rationalization goes like this: I was so tired yesterday. I'm not productive when I'm that tired. I hate being tired. If I sleep in just a little longer, I won't be so tired today. Sometimes, lack of sleep is the problem, but this should be addressed by adjusting your bedtime, not by hitting snooze five times in the morning. That "extra" sleep usually isn't sufficient for another REM cycle anyway and won't make you feel any more rested.
• Diet, Nutrition, and Exercise: Lots of processed food, lots of sugar, refined flours, fast food, greasy food, and too much caffeine give your body lots of hard work and can cause you to feel sluggish, unenergized, and unmotivated. Regular exercise, even if only for fifteen or twenty minutes a day, will boost energy.
• Amount of Sleep Needed: We all have this "eight hours of sleep" programmed into our brains from childhood. However, eight hours is not always an accurate estimate of how much sleep you need. People are different, and people's needs change during the course of life. An article from WebMD points out that eight hours is an average gained from a classic sleep study, and that there are long sleepers (those who need nine or more hours) and short sleepers (those who need five to six hours).

• Sickness and Special Physical Conditions: When you're sick, your body needs more rest because it is working harder than normal to fight off infection. Listen, and go to bed earlier, take naps, turn off your alarm, and do what you need to do in order to get extra rest. Special physical conditions such as pregnancy also create a need for additional sleep; the body is working hard to provide for a new little life. Naps and earlier bedtimes help a lot.

Mental and Emotional Factors

• Continual Stress: Situations that create anxiety, especially when the situation is ongoing, can cause debilitating weariness. Stress comes from work situations, loss of job, family crisis, relationship problems, financial problems or even things not tagged as problems: moving, changing careers, remodeling, major holidays, adoption, pregnancy, etc. Any situation that brings change, good or bad, also brings stress. Your emotional defense to this stress can be the "find a cave and hide" reaction, and it sends a strong message via physical weariness. This kind of reaction is especially common if you, like me, are a person who avoids conflict.
• Lack of Vision: Having no purpose, no vision for the day or week or month or year or life, or having a purpose but no plan for implementation will make it difficult to get yourself moving in the morning. If you have no reason, no goal that you are seeking to accomplish, no drive, then you have no motivation. You have no reason to get moving, and you also probably have depression because of a lack of defined purpose.
• Intimidating Project: Perhaps you have purpose, and a plan, but you also have a challenge waiting for you at work or at home. It could be a project you enjoy but that takes a long time and doesn't show much progress. It could be a challenge that you don't feel adequate to tackle. The knowledge that something big, overwhelming, and discouraging waits for you makes staying in bed much more appealing.

Environmental Factors

• Clutter: A messy room, home, and work environment sends strong messages that you can't really ignore. Clutter makes you feel out of control even if you aren't. It makes you take serious things less seriously; if your home or office isn't important enough to keep neat and clean, then how important are the activities that take place within it? Waking up to a messy room tells you that you are already starting out behind.
• Lack of Light: A room with no windows or very heavy drapes that allow no sunlight creates a perpetual night. Light is the natural wake-up call. If you don't have any in your room, you are sabotaging your own efforts.
• Weather: Hibernation instincts kick in during winter, especially on those gray days. Dark, rainy days anytime of year tend to make the bed feel much more comfortable.
• Family Habits: If your night-owl husband keeps you up too late and then sleeps peacefully through the alarm, it's going to be much more difficult for you to bound out of bed and start your day. If you have children and no morning or evening routines, you're creating even more difficulty.
• Social Obligations: Staying out too late with friends, not to mention the unpleasant effects of too much alcohol, work against your getting up early efforts.
• Bad Alarm Clock Set-Up: You need an alarm clock you can hear and cannot ignore (it should be very annoying); you need to put it close enough to wake you up but too far away to turn off without getting out of bed. If you can sleep through your alarm or hit the snooze button without lifting your head, you will still be in bed an hour after it rings.

Help Yourself

Don't be a slave to habits that work against your efforts. Change a few things (the ones that made you nod and say, Oooh, that's my problem) and renew your efforts to get up early.

• Drink lots of water during the day. Keep a bottle handy and refill it every time you empty it. Make yourself drink a glass of water before you have a soda or a coffee or a snack.
• Drink no caffeine after noon. Caffeine's effects can hit you much later than you think. Too much caffeine isn't good for you anyway, so get what you want in the morning and drink decaf after lunch. Better yet, drink water after lunch!
• Cut out fast food. If it's a habit, then let yourself have fast food once a week, maybe for a treat on Saturday or something. Otherwise, don't eat it.
• Cut out processed food for snacks. Eat fresh fruit and vegetables instead.
• Add a salad to your daily lunch or dinner, or to both. Eat your salad first.
• Get some exercise. Fifteen or twenty minutes is great. Start somewhere. Walk in the park. Get some exercise videos. Walk in the mall. Get some hand weights or an aerobic band. Dance.
• Don't worry about a bedtime; go to sleep when you're sleepy.
• Don't talk about or deal with stressful matters at night. Turn off the phone ringer if you have to. Do things that are calming, repetitive, and relaxing. Don't watch movies that are disturbing.
• Keep a notebook and pen handy at night. If you think of something to do, someone to call, whatever, write it down. That way your brain won't feel like it has to remember and you can continue to relax.
• Use a planner and make a plan. Jot down your morning get-up time in your planner, and a short to-do list for the next day. Leave it out on the kitchen table or by the coffee maker so you see it first thing in the morning.
• Find your purpose.
• Get help with your challenging projects. Have a friend come over to help you paint or cook pies or whatever. Schedule a meeting to work on a project together. Make a date with your spouse to do taxes. Don't tackle this stuff alone.
• Balance your day with long-progress projects and immediate- gratification items. Do something every day that allows you to see immediate results.
• Clean up your bedroom, including the closet. Take everything out of your room except what you need for dressing, sleeping, and sex. If you must, keep a couple of books by your bed; but don't bring in a whole library and definitely don't bring in work papers.
• Simplify your decor. Soft, muted colors are relaxing.
• Plan a special "reward" for yourself on nasty-weather days. Buy yourself a latte or have a cinnamon roll or rent a movie on the way home as a reward for getting yourself out of bed on those icky, rainy days. But you don't get the reward if you didn't get up on time!
• Tell your spouse you need help. If you're dealing with a night-owl spouse, just let him know that you're going to go to bed a little earlier than he does. Then when you get sleepy, go to bed. It's okay. He'll still love you.
• Set up routines for your children. Morning and evening. Nights will go smoother, they'll get to bed on time, you can relax and get a good night's sleep. Mornings will be easier and hassle-free and you won't have to dread them anymore.
• Limit your social obligations. If you know it's going to be later than you want to be, just say no. Save it for the weekend. Stay home more. Play with your kids. Talk to your husband. Knit something. Call your aunt in Nebraska. Write a letter to your sister (she'll be amazed). Watch a good movie. Be a homebody during the week. It's okay to slow your life down.
• Open the curtains, or get new ones. Let in some morning light.
• Get a good alarm clock, and set it up where you can see it but not touch it from your bed.
• Set up your coffee maker at night. When your alarm goes off, get up, turn it off, flip on your coffee maker, and don't even think about going back to bed while it brews!