SISTER WISDOM

build a better life. start today.

For Moms and other busy, distracted people: a guide to taking action Comments Off

Filed under self
Written by Annie on 25th Jul -11

Jump for Joy
Creative Commons License photo credit: The Welsh Poppy

168 Hours, a book by Laura Vanderkam, is one of the best treatments of time management, productivity, and busyness that I’ve ever read.

And I’ve read quite a few books on those topics, being semi-obsessed as I am with, well, time management, productivity, and eliminating busyness so I can just do what matters most.

Step 1: get some expert advice, then follow it.

One thing that Moms and other busy, distracted people can do to start taking action (instead of running around like headless chickens) is to take the advice given by experts to busy professionals and apply it to their own lives.

Sometimes Moms tend to wallow in Mom-oriented advice which, while often entertaining, isn’t always good. When you’re really looking to get down to the important stuff in life and quit wasting time, do you need another primer on making summertime crafts or coming up with a new menu plan? Nah.

There’s a time for those, but first you need to get the basics in order. (Disclosure: for me, there is never really a time for “making summertime crafts.” The closest I come to that is having popsicle eating contests with my kids.)

So, from the expert (Vanderkam, not me), here are four principles (and my accompanying diatribe) that can help you quit wasting time and start taking action.

1. Seize control of your schedule.

You are the master of your own fate. If you want to make excuses and let other people obligate you to do stuff, that’s still your choice. I’d recommend not going that route by learning and using one little word: No. It’s a great word. You can say it nicely, and repeat it often, and it will be very effective.

Another thing you can say is, “Hmmm, I’d love to help you but I’ll need to check my calendar first.” And be sure you don’t check it right then while standing in front of the person. Wait. Give yourself time to really think through whatever request has been made of you: is it important? Does it fit in with your priorities? Do you have any desire to do it? Are you even interested? Does it pertain to life at all? Will it cause you to cut out important things? What do you have to say no to in order to say yes to this request?

Your time belongs to you and only you. What you do with it is up to you and only you. If you choose to be passive and let other people fill up your time, that’s still a choice you’re making.

2. Do not mistake things that look like work for actual work.

Ehhhm, summertime crafts? Not work. Now if you’re into crafts, and that’s something you want to do (with or without your kids), power to you. It’s your choice what you fill your free time with, and it should be stuff you enjoy.
But work is different than hobby, free time, fun time, family time, and so on. Define what work is for you, whether you’re a stay at home Mom or a work at home Mom or not a Mom or whatever. Know your work so you can know what your work isn’t. Know your work so you can make work a priority. Know your work so you can take a break from it.

3. Get rid of non-core-competency tasks by ignoring, minimizing, or outsourcing them.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, is good at everything. And nobody has to be.

You may not have the budget to hire help for all the stuff you don’t enjoy/aren’t good at, but you can find ways to make it take less of your time.

  • You can streamline your cleaning and housekeeping chores. Lower your standards a little bit. You have other stuff to do. If you get a kick out of cleaning your baseboards monthly, do it. But if not… um. Let it go.
  • You can trade off with your spouse. Who says he has to mow the grass and you have to make dinner? What if you’re a rotten cook and he’s an amateur chef? Play to your strengths, people. Everybody will be happier.
  • You can quit doing stuff. Not everything is essential. Truly, truly evaluate the things that take up your time and just get rid of stuff. Will your family suffer or the world quake because you choose not to do something? Probably not. Drop stuff that you don’t like and that doesn’t matter; spend time on the better stuff.
  • You can hire cheap help. Your own kids, neighborhood kids, students, friends, family members… Set a price on something (painting the bedroom? cleaning out the garage? organizing your paperwork? watching the kids? washing the car? picking out new curtains?) and then find someone who’s willing to do it for that price.

4. Boost efficiency by getting better at what you do.

Read up. Practice. Take a class. Set up routines and systems to enforce your best work patterns. Treat yourself as a professional and invest in the ongoing education you need in order to be the best at what you do, whatever that is.
The people who are most productive are people who are very good at a limited number of things, and who focus on doing those core things. Get very good at what you do, and do more of it.

10 Habits to Drop for a Better Life 2

Filed under self
Written by Annie on 11th Aug -10

?

1. Stop talking all the time.

Really. We are obsessed with talking about everything: meetings, marriage counseling, phone calls, texting, discussions, emails, chatting, family counsels, therapy.
Some of that’s great, some of it is needed, but 87% of the time, the solution is not talk but action. You only need that 13% of talk time to figure out what action to take. From there, talking is just that much more procrastination. [Yes, I made up the 87%. Seems like a good number though.]

2. Stop updating your online life every 20 seconds.

You’re distracted, and you’re creating a false sense of connection, community, and productivity, and it’s adding to the clutter in your life without adding any real value.
Update maybe 3 or 5 times a day (if that) and then spend time in the real world creating real connections, adding to a real community, and doing some things that are really productive. Like maybe counting the times I used the word “really” in that sentence.

3. Stop with the pointless comparison.

In what areas of life do you find yourself continually tripping up, falling, failing? Proverbs tells us that the fear of man brings a snare, and asks “Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy?” [Proverbs 27:4].
Those areas where you keep tripping and falling? Look for snare: the fear of man setting a standard that isn’t right for you. And look for envy, which is guaranteed to make you fall. You can’t stand in the face of it, so get it out of your heart.

4. Stop using your culture and your peer group as your only reference point.

Number #3 will be directly effected for the better. Get a new, bigger frame of reference. Study history. Read about different cultures. Read the Bible. Expand.

5. Stop feeling sorry for people.

Yourself, especially. Pity helps no one. It reinforces the self-defeating cycle of victimization. It enables addictions, narcissism, and poverty of the soul.
It justifies laziness, resentment, and fear. It makes you negative. Offer mercy. Have compassion. But in your mercy and compassion, always see and call people (including yourself, especially) to be their best, to live up to what God has made them to be.
stoya

6. Stop being snarky.

Sarcasm is not that great. I know, I know, there’s a lot of it here. I’m working on it. Really, I am, because here’s the bottom line: it’s fun to be clever, and witty, and make people laugh. But at the end of the day, sincerity counts for a lot more than snarkiness.
When people need help, they will not turn to the wit of the group, they will turn to the one who will listen and answer sincerely. I want to help people. Do you? Don’t turn them away by putting a witty one-liner at a higher value than someone’s feelings.

7. Stop keeping stuff you don’t need.

Old clothes. Old relationships. Grasp the “seasonal” concept and apply it to everything. Okay, there are limits! Marriage – keep that. Kids – keep them. Parents – hang on. Siblings – keep them too. Some relationships are meant to last a lifetime, but not all relationships are meant to last, and not all relationships can last at the same level.
If you’re a loyal person (I am), it can be extremely difficult to realize this and take action accordingly. However, for the sake of the relationships in your life that do need to last, that do have a level of depth, you need to let go of others.

8. Stop with the feel-good friends.

Find some friends who make you a little nervous, uncomfortable, who ask questions you can’t answer, who know more than you do about God, parenting, child-rearing, who challenge you, who inspire you, who call you to be (what was that we said earlier?) your best, to live up to what God has made you to be. Not convinced? Read Proverbs 27: 5, 6, 9.

9. Stop assuming people don’t like you, don’t get you, or don’t care about you.

Sure, maybe for every 100 people you meet there will be 2 who don’t get you, 1 who doesn’t like you, and 1 who just doesn’t care about you. But the other 96? They get you (on some level); they like you; they care about you (to some degree); and they like you.
All that is needed for more getting, liking, and caring is more time, and more of you getting, liking, and caring about them. So don’t be paranoid. Risk it. People care, they really do. (P.S. I like you.)
lumin

10. Stop protecting yourself, your stuff, and your territory.

If you do just one thing from this list, make it this one. You want a better life? Really? Quit trying to control everything. Quit staking your claim in the world. Quit demanding that things go your way. Quit looking out for yourself.
Quit measuring, quit hoarding, quit defending. Open up. Give. Give more than you think you can. Flex. Go with the flow. Do things your husband’s way. Ask your friend for her advice, then take it. Be generous with your whole life.
There is one that scattereth, and yet increaseth; and there is one that withholdeth more than is needed, but ends up in poverty. The liberal soul shall be made prosperous; and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.Proverbs 11:24-25

Marriage Killer: Contention Comments Off

Filed under build a better marriage series, the man
Written by Annie on 10th Feb -10

Better to live in the corner of a roof than with a contentious woman.


Simmer Down, Tiger

You know the boxer stance? Arms up, hands in fists ready to strike, eyes narrowed, focused on finding the weak spot, feet moving, restless, ready.

It’s a great stance if you’re a boxer and you need to punch the other guy out to win.

It’s not so great when the other guy is your mate for life. Punch him out, you don’t really win.

Them’s Fightin’ Words

A contentious woman is a woman out for a fight. She’s always asking questions. She requires explanations. She needs more details, more information. She likes to offer alternate plans, helpful suggestions, better ideas.

She doesn’t like just listening and accepting and following. She wants to be in charge; if she can’t outright take over, she works it by always “modifying” the plan. He says green, she says, “Okay, but light green.” He says burgers, she says, “Okay, fine, but not that one place with the greasy fries.”

She has to be involved in making the decision. She really wants to be the one making the decision; since she isn’t, she is constantly correcting, instructing, tweaking, improving his decisions.

Compare and Contrast

Is it wrong to ask questions or make suggestions? No. It isn’t. But there are two very different ways to ask the same question. C’mon. You know.

There’s the huffy way, with the Mom-like tone of voice and the sigh of exasperation at the end (sometimes it’s the snort of contempt, another favorite).

Or there’s the happy way, with the normal voice, no not-so-hidden agendas involved. That’s the way that tells your husband he can actually answer your question honestly without fearing the repercussion.

Your Husband Gets You

He can tell when there’s strife in the air. He senses it. Guess what? God designed men to stand up to those who challenge their authority and position. It’s God’s way of providing protection for the family.

Guess what else? God commanded men to love their wives sacrificially, as Christ loves the church.

When you are contentious, you are creating a situation that is simply impossible for your husband. He has to either 1) ignore his natural drive to face and defeat challengers or 2) ignore the command to love you.

Snip, Snip, Snip

Put yourself in your husband’s position for a moment. He comes home, he senses your hostility (that’s what it is, when you get right down to it), he knows he better tread carefully or there will be a fight.

He mentions an issue at work, or plans for the weekend, and you start asking questions in that snippy little voice. No answer. He’s right there, he’s just not responding. You ask again. No answer. You look around, and see him retreating into the garage.

Why You Get Ignored

The moment you whipped out the snippy voice with the baited questions, he had to decide. His first instinct was pure male: to take the bait (which he is aware of, because you’re not as sneaky as you think), pull out his can of “WHOOP-BUTT,” and apply it, liberally, to you.

His second instinct was husband: to avoid the fight, repercussions of which tend to ruin the night, and get the heck out of Dodge until things cool down.

Showdown at the O.K. Corral

And you? You don’t really like either option, do you? You want to fight and you want to win, because you’re dying to prove something to somebody.

Maybe you want to prove that you’re smarter, or better, or funnier, or that you work harder or do more or need more money or more time or more help. You probably forget what the point was by the time the fight’s over, because the real point was just to fight.

Disturbing the Peace

Why are you so eager to get out the boxing gloves?

  • Comparing: you have a continual mental scale of what he does vs. what you do. When the scale isn’t balanced, you want to fight.
  • Discontentment: you’re simply unhappy on a level that has nothing to do with circumstances, and you’re letting it come out by striving.
  • Unresolved Issues: there’s an issue that’s been bothering you and instead of addressing it humbly and directly, you’re picking fights about everything else.
  • Parenting Problems: you haven’t been dealing with the verbal or behavioral strife coming from your own kids, but by the end of the day you’ve got to get it out on somebody.
  • Feelings of Failure: you’re not making progress on a goal, project, or area of personal growth and that failure is hitting you deep. In response, you’re lashing out.
  • Disorganization: a disorderly home, a packed schedule (or no schedule at all), clutter, and lack of priorities leave you stressed and drained by the end of the day, but instead of dealing with the problem you distract yourself with a fight.

The Fall-Out

What happens when you are constantly looking for a fight?

You find one.

You get ignored. You get hurt. You get angrier. You get offended, and the offenses become a sticky mass of resentment that settles in your heart.

This is not what a happy marriage is made of. It’s time to change.

5-Minute Marriage Check

Some personalities are more directly confrontational; others tend to avoid a fight but get anger out through passive-aggressive ways. Neither way is a healthy habit for marriage because your spouse is not your enemy.

You are two against the world.

You are two against the culture.

You are two against the adversities, pains, losses, disappointments, and trials that will be part of life.

You can face them together and overcome, or you can tear each other down and be torn apart.

Do this: Go outside. If it’s raining, stand under the porch. Look around. Look up. The world is big. Take a deep breath. Say this to yourself:

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called daughters of God.”

(My paraphrase, Matt. 5:9, NASB)

Decide to be a peacemaker. Decide to agree instead of argue. Decide to encourage instead of analyze. Decide to support instead of question. Decide to give instead of demand.

5-Minute Action Point

Which area needs work in your life?

  • Comparing
  • Discontentment
  • Unresolved Issues
  • Parenting Problems
  • Feelings of Failure
  • Disorganization

It might be more than one area. For each area that you know is a problem and is creating contention in your spirit, get a piece of paper or a note card.

Write down the specific problems. For example,

Comparing: I think other women look better than me, and I’m always wondering if he thinks that too.

Unresolved Issues: I’m still grieving over my miscarriage.

Feelings of Failure: I can’t believe I lost my job; and I can’t lose this weight and I feel like a slob and a failure.

Disorganization: I never feel prepared for the week, the house never gets clean, I can’t figure out what to cook for dinner and we end up eating out.

For each item you wrote down, do these two things:

  1. Pray about it. Ask for help. Ask for wisdom. Ask for forgiveness. Give it to God.
  2. Take action on it. It is dead-weight as long as you try to ignore it. Do something about it; decide what, and put it on your card. For example,

Comparing – my action: I’m going to memorize Psalm 45:10-17 and I’m going to wear make-up every day because I feel better about myself when I do.

Unresolved Issues – my action: I’m going to talk to my husband about this and about how much I’m still hurting over it.

Feelings of Failure – my action: I’m going to find a diet/exercise plan and follow it, and I’m going to work on my resume.

Disorganization – my action: I’m going to use Sunday nights to plan for my week, and I’m going to make a menu, and I’m going to clean for 20 minutes every night.

You may still fall short in these areas, especially if you have a lot of things you want to work on. Pick the top two and focus on them, first; pray, and complete the action. Then go on from there. You will see and feel a difference in your spirit as you deal with these problems.

Free yourself to be a peacemaker.

Image by kikfoto.

—————————

This post is {Day 10} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.


It’s a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We’ll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We’ll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we’ve picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day’s reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here’s to better, stronger, happier marriages!

—————————

How to Form More Than One Habit at a Time Comments Off

Filed under the home
Written by Annie on 3rd Jan -09

The standard advice is to focus on one habit at a time; that’s what I usually recommend, because it’s simply more difficult to overhaul your entire life in one month. You’ll have a far easier time establishing one habit than trying to establish twenty. That said, sometimes your life/circumstances/time line/tendency to be a glutton for punishment dictates that you take on more than one change at a time. You can be successful that way, too, and in the end you’ll have established a good amount of positive change in your life. But you have to focus on what you’re doing and plan how you’ll do it, or else you’ll get bogged down on Day 4.

Method: Create a Routine

Routines are great when you want to establish several related habits at once. For example, one month I worked on establishing a morning routine; it included getting up at a specific time, reading my Bible, having breakfast with my husband, straightening up the house, and posting on my blog. Those were all habits I needed to establish, and by creating a routine that incorporated them all into one time-frame, they became, essentially, one “big” habit to tackle at one point in the day. I didn’t have to try to remember different new habits at different points in the day.

Key: Find a common thread in your new habits and create a routine out of them. It doesn’t even have to be linked to a specific time of day, though having time as as trigger is usually helpful. Write down your routine and keep it close by. Set an alarm to remind yourself when it’s time to go through the routine, and check off the items one by one. Get yourself used to doing all of the items in the same order, and as the habits form, one item will trigger another.

Method: Make Appointments

If you want to form two or three habits that simply don’t fit into a routine together, make separate appointments for each one. Establish a time of day when each should be accomplished, and write it into your daily schedule just as you would a meeting, a dentist appointment, or a date. Find someone to meet with you, if possible, as you establish these habits. Perhaps you have a friend who wants to start jogging, too, so you make an appointment to meet everyday after work for a jog together.

Key: Making your appointment in a way that tells you it is serious, and knowing you will let someone down if you forget about it. If you never look at your planner, then writing down a new habit in it won’t help much. But if you depend on your planner to keep your life somewhat sane, it can be a great tool.

Method: Link to Habits You Already Have

For each new habit you want to form, create a link to an old (strong) habit you already have, such as eating dinner or watching your favorite show. Leave your set of hand weights on your couch; when you sit down to watch the show, do your arm-toning exercises. Or put a note up in your kitchen reminding you to call your Mom; when you step in to fix dinner, you will see it and can give her a call while you prepare the food.

Key: Pick a habit that is strong and hardly ever flexes. If you eat in half the time and eat out the other half, so your dinner routine isn’t the same every night, then linking to that habit might not work. Think of the things you do the same way, at the same place, and around the same time, every single day. Then find a way to link your new habit to one of those, and you’ll have an automatic daily trigger.

Method: Set Yourself Up

So if your new habit is to get up and go for a walk every morning, but that cup of coffee just sounds too tempting, get rid of the coffee maker! Have a friend keep it for a month. Put your walking shoes on the floor by your bed, and a note telling you to walk for your coffee. Plan your walking route to end or loop at a great coffee shop in the area, or treat yourself to a coffee on the way to work once you’ve taken your walk. Once you establish the habit, you can bring your coffee maker back home and let yourself enjoy the home java after your morning walk.

Key: Eliminate the temptation to skip the new habit by getting rid of it, at least temporarily. And make sure you have the gear you need for your new habit in an obvious place, so you can’t accidentally forget what you are supposed to do.

Always Keep a Record

No matter what your habits and what methods you use to establish them, keep a record somehow. Journal, jot notes in your planner, text message yourself, post it on your blog or social pages, something. You need to be able to see that you are making progress, and keeping a written record not only helps you do that, it also serves as an additional reminder and a way of noticing what made the habit more difficult and what made it easier to establish. You can use what you learn as you go on to establish more new habits.

Success is sweet. Remember, though, that failure happens sometimes. You might mess up a few times, but don’t throw out the whole effort. Stop, regroup; remind yourself of why you’re doing what you’re doing. Write down the end result. Think about the goal you have. Remember why it’s important to you to get there, and how this habit helps you reach your goal.

Related Material…

Choice from The Wilder Zone

Start 2009 with a Clean Slate from The Integrated Mother

New Year’s Success: How To Form New Habits Comments Off

Filed under the home
Written by Annie on 1st Jan -09

Image Courtesy of woodleywonderworks on Flickr.

Image Courtesy of woodleywonderworks on Flickr.

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. ~Benjamin Franklin

Dream Big and Deep and Wide

If you, like me, can’t resist the smell of fresh paper, the feel of a pen, and the urge to make a list, you know that you’ll end up making your own list of resolutions. I think some resolutions are there simply to remind us of our dreams. It’s okay to make them vague and big and unmeasurable. Our souls feed on our dreams. Give them plenty of food.

Make Some Dreams into Actions

Some resolutions need to be kept, right? The one you made to exercise, because your blood pressure is higher than it’s every been, or you just never feel sexy anymore with those extra twenty pounds hanging around your midsection. It’s time to start feeling sexy again (or organized, or peaceful, or whatever it is).

How to Keep Your Resolutions

For each dream you intend to turn to action..

  1. Define the reason

  2. Make it trackable

  3. Make it public

  4. Keep a record

  5. Set up consequences (good and bad)

Define the Reason

You’ve got to know why you’re pushing yourself or you’ll just feel deprived and punished. Think about the rewards. Picture the goal, and remind yourself why it’s important. Think about what will happen if you don’t do this thing: what will you miss out on? What will you regret? When you’re old and looking back on your life, will you be glad you put this effort in?

Make It Trackable

Repeat these words to yourself: specific and measurable. Specific and measurable. Specific and measurable. You know this. Come on. This is Goal Setting 101. You can’t succeed at something like “exercise a lot.” How much is “a lot”? Specify, sister. “Exercise three times a week, for 20 minutes each time,” or “Walk daily for fifteen minutes,” or “Do an aerobics class at the gym four times a week.”

The only way you know you succeed is if you set up a way to measure your success.

Make It Public

The most powerful motivation may be internal, but there’s something to be said for the fear of losing a bet. Go around bragging about your resolutions, and you know your friends will tease you when you don’t keep them. Maybe it’s childish, but I’ll do a lot to avoid looking stupid. I might even exercise daily.

So make a bet with your brother, call up your best friend, email your Mom. Share your resolutions, talk about the changes you’re making, and find friends to join in with you.

Keep a Record

Blog, write, tweet about what you’re doing. Post your resolution list and talk about the one you’re going to work on first. Set up monthly challenges and track your success in a forum or on your own blog. Keep a journal. Use Joe’s Goals or another goal-tracking software. Mark your goals and your progress on your calendar.

Set Up Consequences

Use behavioral psychology to your advantage. If you achieve your goal, you get something you really, really, really want. If you don’t achieve your goal, you have to do something you really, really, really don’t like doing. You better make this part public, too, so you know you have to follow through.

Make it motivational. Don’t set up something you don’t really care about. “If I save $100 every month for three months, I’ll let myself, uh, go have a burger at McDonald’s.” Eccch, is that a reward or a punishment? Make it something good! And make sure you’ll feel it if you don’t follow through.

Don’t pansy out on your potential punishment. “If I don’t save $100 every month, then I won’t get to, uh, shave my legs for a week.” Big deal. You can wear pants. What will hurt? How about, “If I don’t save $100 every month for three months, then I have to cancel my iTunes subscription for the next three months.”

One at a Time

You can tackle as many resolutions as you want, but you’ll do better if you focus on one at a time. Make your goal date-specific, and once you achieve it, move on to the next goal. Why? Because taking on too much is overwhelming, and when you start failing in one area you tend to carry that failure over into other areas. Suddenly you’re going nowhere on anything you resolved to do. It’s hard to pull yourself out of a slump like that.

But if you focus on one at a time, you can put more effort and attention toward a single goal. You’ll be more successful, and that success will motivate you to move on and achieve your next goal. And if you fail, you’ve only failed at one thing. Learn from it, and move on to the next one at which you will succeed.

Related Material…

Great articles worth reading, all about forming great new habits:

Motivating Yourself to Exercise

Simple Steps to Change Your Bad Food Habits

What Would My 80 Year Old Self Tell Me To Do?

Teaching Good and Godly Habits

How to Make Good Habits Last

—-

Image Courtesy of woodleywonderworks on Flickr.

Uses wordpress plugins developed by www.wpdevelop.com