SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

This post is part of the 30-Minute Blogging Challenge at Steady Mom.

I just started a pot of coffee brewing, and since my coffee maker needs to be cleaned out yet again (darn hard water) and takes about 30 minutes to brew a pot, that's my automatic timer. I'm taking this 30-minute posting challenge because I have that feeling, the one of a pesky little guilt peering over my shoulder, whispering in my ear, "You're on the computer agaaaain?" It's hard to hear the whisper sometimes because of the kids hollering in the background... Read the rest of this entry »

.

I ♥ Resolutions

Okay, I love New Year's. It's my favorite holiday. (I just realized that this year so I'm broadcasting it in hopes that the people I love will recognize and support me in my favoritism by buying me gifts for New Year's, too. I mean, it's the least they could do, really.)

I love making resolutions. I come up with a long list every year. Some years I decide not to go overboard, and I limit myself to something reasonable: 10 or, okay, 11 if I just can't help it.

And yeah, I don't keep them all. At all. Hardly ever. I goof, I fail, I mess up, I quit, I weaken, I have no willpower.

Except for this year. This is the year.
Right?

Making Progress? Really? (Or Is That Heartburn?)

I've noticed a disturbing trend, lately, despite my habitual resolution making and breaking: I'm actually making progress. I guess the endless repetition is finally getting to me. My resolutions are generally far bigger than can be accomplished in one year, anyway. (For example, #11 from 2005, "Prove global warming is a myth" and #6 from 2007, "If not a myth, figure out how to solve global warming." That just takes some time, I don't care who you are.)

I'm making progress. Don't ask me how, exactly. I still do a lot of the same stupid stuff in the same stupid way (i.e., get mad at Joe for not reading my mind, expect my kids to get along with each other, stay up too late, eat too much, forget to work out, forget to call, forget to write, forget my name, find myself on the Amtrak headed to Toronto in early spring... oh wait, sorry, I just lapsed into a Mommy-escape fantasy there. Back to what I was saying.)

I still do the same stupid stuff, but I don't do it quite as often. I still do the same stupid stuff, but I get over it quicker. And I'm happier. And maybe this has nothing to do with New Year's and making resolutions at all. Maybe this is just me and where I am in life, and I just happen to be reflecting on it all as 2009 goes out and 2010 comes in.

The last 5 years have been a rollercoaster. More ups than downs, and crazy fun, but intense.

A Recap

2004:
January - Joe and I start courting. (And yes, I said courting not dating and I'll go into that some other time but not here, goshdarnit, so just keep reading and don't get bogged down in those little details.)
May - Joe and I get engaged.
September - Joe and I get married. I move to St. Louis, since, being married and all, we kind of want to be together.
2005:
Jan - September - We adjust to married life, we work together in the family business, we have fun, I miss my family a lot, I want to have a baby, I start worrying that I can't get pregnant (no birth control! Hello!), I start writing more.
October - We're pregnant!
December - We buy a house and move in!
2006:
Jan - June - Pregnancy and home ownership.
July - Mara is born on July 11. We have a wonderful home birth. She is beautiful. She is an easy baby.
2007:
Feb - We decide that Mara is so easy, we should have another. We're pregnant!
May - I spend the entire month in MS to be with my Mom, who is not going to get better. It is the strangest experience I have ever had. Our emotions are as strung out as possible. I miss my husband.
June - My mom dies. I go back home. I am numb.
November - Robbie is born. Our son. I start getting unnumb.
December - We spend Christmas in Colorado. I think I was supposed to be born there, and live there, and we start plotting how we will move there.

2008:
April - My Dad gets married and my sister gets married, within a week of each other.
August - We haven't figured out what causes this. We're pregnant! My dad says, "You've got to be kidding me!" I alternate between "YAY" and fits of "ohmygoodness-howcouldyoudothistome-whydidwethinkthiswasagoodidea-wearegoingtobeinsane-weareinsane-ican'tdothis-aaaaaaaaaah."
2009:
April - Zeke is born. I think, "Third birth at home, nooo problem. It'll be easy." Haha, Andrea, haha. But he is beautiful, our little Ezekiel.
May - July - Our house, when did it start shrinking?
August - From out of nowhere  comes a new place to live. We move into "the parsonage." It's big. It has a huge stone fireplace and a sunroom and is on the 10 acres of church property, woods and fields and flowers and deer. I am in heaven. We rent out our house.

End Recap.

And here we are.
2010.
I think this is what I'm defining as progress, this feeling that I finally know who I am and am comfortable in that.

But don't think for a minute I'll stop making resolutions.  I've gotten way too good at it to quit.

Image courtesy of Sara. Nel.

(You might want to read Part 1 of this series if you haven't already.)

Knowing Why Tells You How to Fix It

TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³

If you've gone through your worksheet, you have a list of where you're stuck and, I hope, a few reasons why. Don't skip out on why. Why tells you the cause of the problem, and the cause is what you need to address. The problem itself is a symptom of the cause, just like a fever is not the real problem but a symptom of an underlying illness.

Once you know the problem and the cause, you can determine how much it matters.

Example: Getting Both Kids on Same Nap Schedule

Having my two young children on the same napping schedule is extremely important to me. It may not seem like a big deal, but because of the effect it has on the rest of my life, it is. I am a professional writer as well as a Mom; those two or three hours in the afternoon when all is peaceful and quiet not only gives me a complete mental break from answering Mommy questions, it also gives me a chance to focus on my professional work. I can do a lot of the less intense work while the kids are awake or after they go to bed; but I need those hours during the day, when I am alert and energetic, to focus on the more difficult writing projects I have.

Key: Evaluate each problem you want to deal with in terms of how it affects your whole life. Does itmatter? Does it matter now? Does it matter now enough to change something in order to make it work?

How Much It Matters

For those dead leaf items, the only change needed is a good chop of the pruning shears. My pastor spoke about new beginnings last Sunday. He said that there are some things worth holding on to, but other things that it is necessary to let go:

• Let go of emotional and psychological ties to the past. Don't try to figure it out; just let it go.

• Let go of fantasies. (They usually begin with, "If only..."). They're childish, and they lock you in a world of expectations that will never materialize. Embrace reality instead, and learn to appreciate the shades of real life and its experiences.
• Cut off unhealthy relationships. Don't let your time and energy and soul be wasted on people who are continually negative, draining, and victimized. Move on.

I added my own thoughts:

• Drop what doesn't matter. It may have mattered before; it may matter in the future; but if it doesn't matter today, if nothing important is effected by it, then drop it.

• Break bad habits. They hold you down in a rut, they make you less than who you can be, and they are sorry excuses for not fulfilling your dreams. Bad habits are energy suckers, time wasters, causes of procrastination and discouragement and failure.

What Needs to Change

For the items that do matter, determine what behavior or specific action or lack thereof is creating the cause of the problem.

Example: End-of-Day Time with My Husband

Problem: No regular talk time with Joe at the end of the day; we're often interrupted by kids, friends, neighbors, phone calls, or we jump right into getting projects finished, and by the end of the night we're just too tired to have a decent conversation.

Cause: Interruptions, and the fact that we give in to them; not having a specific time/place to catch up for a few minutes before we move on to the next thing; not having the kids used to playing by themselves for a few minutes after Daddy gets home; being in the middle of dinner prep, so I don't stop to talk and then Joe gets busy with his next thing, so then he doesn't stop to talk and so we go.

Change: Need to establish a basic routine we agree on, ie., we stop and talk for fifteen minutes as soon as he gets home; once we have that in place, we can choose to deal with interruptions by saying, “I'll get back to you in twenty minutes,” and not answering our phones; the kids can learn to play in their room while we talk; I can make sure that dinner prep is finished or can be put on hold for that time if I'm planning for it.

Key: Work backwards from the cause of the problem to determine the solution to the problem.

Who Can Change It

There are only two possible answers to this question: YOU or someone else.

If the answer is someone else, forget changing the other person. It's a futile, exasperating effort with very little chance of success. If you do succeed, you create resentment (in the other person) and obligation (in yourself) to continue “overseeing” the change you caused to happen.

When the only person who can change the cause of a problem is someone else, there are two things you can do.

• First, you can just drop the whole thing. Accept that it is what it is, focus your attention on something you can change, and move on.

• Second, you can choose to change your reaction to the other person's behavior, so that the result of the behavior is different and/or no longer causes the same problem.

Example: Dealing with a high-maintenance friend.

You're busy. Your friend gets mad if you don't have a two-hour-long phone conversation every week. If you forget to return her call, or don't have time to talk for more than ten minutes, she gets in a huff and you end up apologizing sometime in the next day or two. The scenario repeats regularly. You can't get her to change (don't even try), but you can change.

Decide how much the friendship is worth. Is it worth a two-hour per week investment, or is it time to drop it and move on? It might be a relief for her, too. If the friendship is worth saving, either schedule in the time to have the conversation, thus eliminating the conflict, or figure out how you're going to change your behavior the next time the issue surfaces.

Be proactive. Give her a call and say, “Listen, I am running a tight ship this week and won't have time to talk; but can I give you a call next Monday so we can have a nice long conversation and catch up?” Don't give her the chance to get made. You've taken control without losing the friendship.

Alternately, change your number...

When You Are the Solution

Thou shalt not be a victim. Thou shalt not be a perpetrator. Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.
- Holocaust Museum, Washington, DC

Really, you always are. When you figure out how your behavior relates to the cause, you figure out what you can change in yourself. Maybe it's simply your expectations of how someone else should behave. Maybe it's just a stupid habit you haven't been aware of. Maybe it's needing to plan a little more, or say Yes a little less.

The key is realizing that you are the one with the power to change your life. You are the one who decides to be happy. You are the one who can change.

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.
- Theodore Roosevelt

Image Courtesy of TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³'s on Flickr.

.

Coaching, team development, and personal growth are a big part of business now. I'm not sure I buy into it: seems like a corporate extension of what is often a self-help racket. Can coaching and leadership development really produce increased productivity, magically cooperative team-players, and employees so motivated they beg you for extra projects?

Maybe. Maybe not. As with most broad-sweep solutions to common problems, what you put in is exactly what you get out. A corporation can't force you to develop yourself any more than you Mom or Dad could. It's up to you. That said, choosing to exercise discipline, smooth out your rough places, and gain skills is beneficial whether you work in a corporate office or a drive-thru window or from a laptop at your kitchen table. Read the rest of this entry »

I had a dream about a woman who wanted to be a chef. "Someday," she said, "I hope I can be a passionate cook like that." In the dream, I was trying to find a way to leave her a note with three simple words on it: Why Not Today?

Why trade today for someday? Why push our dreams back day after day, until years roll by? Sometimes we forget the dreams. We let the daily complexities overwhelm us. We let the obligations reach a level we can barely survive. We let our lives become controlled chaos, and all our time, energy, and resources go toward holding it together one more day. We never give ourselves a moment to ask what would happen if we let go. Would the world really end? Would our world end?

We need to end this chaotic, frenzied world, this empty, lethargic one. You come home from running all day and collapse in front of a box to watch other people have fun doing the things you wish you could do. Underneath the chatter, you are bored. You never stir the deeper water. The foaming and rushing on top make you seem busy, active, productive, but you are not drawing from the greater resources. You are not even allowing yourself to look that deep.

Deep in that undisturbed place are the visions and dreams. You sunk them like a pirate's chest. You left them there to wait. You wait too long, you'll die and they will die with you.

Meanwhile, there are storms and troubles building on the surface. You are navigating your boat down the river and you have to pay attention. If you jump off to dive into deeper places, the boat will hit the bank. You'll lose direction. You'll lose everything. The wind will fling your vessel and all it holds up and down the river. You will surface and find yourself alone, struggling to swim with no place to rest.

But if you wait until everything is calm, find a good place to tie up your boat, secure your stuff, clean up the storm damage, make sure everyone is okay... the next wind will be rising. Too late to dive in now; you've got to handle this first. Maybe then...

That perfect calm never comes. We have to find a way to live, to keep cruising down the river, maintaining a steady course, and get to that treasure. Nobody wants a shipwreck. But what is the good of an empty ship? Or one with a hold full of junk, haphazard leftovers you skimmed off the surface as you floated by? You may get to port safely, but what will you have once you arrive? The treasure is not for later; it is for now. If it is truly treasure, it will survive the using, the journey, and so will we.

We have to clear out the junk so there is room for the treasure. We must invent ways to handle the storms and keep going in the right direction. We must find a way to get down, get deep, get to what really matters and bring it into our ship. We must make those dives often so that as we use our treasure along the way we can replenish our store.

It seems impossible, but it isn't. There are ways to live deeper than this surface scurrying that we do. As we begin to wake up, we can find them.

The first step toward fulfilment is dissatisfaction.

SCHEDULING, SCHMEDULING (YAWN). WHAT'S THE POINT?
Some of us resist schedules because they seem restrictive, anti-creativity, control-freakish. Certainly some schedules are that way. If you're scheduling your time down to ten-minute sections, I think we might need to work on your control freak tendencies. On the other hand, if you schedule nothing and live to follow the natural flow, you not only stifle productivity but you will also end up stifling creativity as well. You live by a schedule whether you admit it or not; a schedule is simply a matter of doing a certain thing at a certain time. When you take initiative to set your own schedule, you can do so according to your own priorities. When you don't set your own schedule, you are not only at the mercy of your own whims (which very often do not line up with your bigger goals and priorities) but you are also at the mercy of others who will not hesitate to impose their schedules on yours... or your lack thereof. So it really comes down to whose schedule you want to follow: yours, thoughtfully laid out, or some haphazard construct of circumstances. Seems like a no-brainer to me, but take the time to think it over if you must.

BASIC SCHEDULING
I like to keep my schedule pretty basic. It includes 1) A Beginning and an End and 2) Time Blocks. There are multiple planning calendars in as many formats as you can dream up. I find them all too complicated for my simple living preferences. This is not true for everyone; my husband loves his Franklin Covey planner and uses it faithfully. I feel restricted by all those boxes with lines and titles. The perfectionist in me just can't leave well enough alone, so I spend more time scheduling in all the pretty boxes than I do actually implementing my schedule. Since the point of a schedule is to simplify and to increase productivity, and I find that the more complex planners accomplish neither goal for me, I stick with my basics and forgo the professional leather-binder look. You might find that a combination of methods works best for you. My advice is this: start simple and be diligent with your simple scheduling techniques. Once you know they work for you, you can tweak and add on and adjust to your heart's delight. Don't start way at the top of the complex calendar hierarchy. The very complexity is too overwhelming to keep up when you're first learning how to schedule, and you'll get discouraged and drop it all.

A BEGINNING AND AN END
This topic makes me think of Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music, when she first attempts to teach the Captain's children how to sing: "Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start..." Of course, she drops her little Happy Beginnings song in favor of the inexplicably popular Do-Re-Mi. We, however, shall carry our Happy Beginnings all the way to Happy Endings.

What needs a beginning and an end is your working day. Your entire day is capped on both ends automatically by your bed. You wake up and get out of bed, your day begins. You get sleepy and get back in bed, your day ends. I see no reason to mess with that kind of perfection, unless you need some help on the waking up and getting out of bed part. We'll get to that in another article. For now, we're dealing with the workday itself, the part of the day that begins after you've been awakened by the sound of bluebirds (or the alarm clock) and, I hope, have eaten a halfway decent breakfast. Oh, also, you should get dressed. Maybe even before breakfast.
Your workday beginning may be set in stone already. You have to be at the office at 9:00 am. There you go. 9:00 am it is. For those of us who work in more flexible fields, in which the office hours dictate next to nothing, setting a Beginning is a matter of choice and convenience. If you're a stay-at-home Mom trying to wake, dress, and feed three kids, then give yourself enough time to do that before you try to get down to the rest of your work. If you're a work-from-home small business owner who likes to start the day with a two-hour gym session, then set your workday beginning accordingly.

The End of the workday is just as important as the beginning. Again, this may be dictated by office hours, or it may be a matter of choice and fitting in with what happens in the rest of your day. Perhaps it's 3:00 pm when the kids get home from school. Perhaps it's 6:00 pm when your spouse gets home from work. Perhaps it's 9:00 pm when you realize you haven't eaten anything since noon. (I don't recommend that last time option, by the way.) Choose an End. Put a cap on your working hours. Sure, you can always choose to do "extra" work or finish up projects in the evening if you want to, but that should be something you do because you really want to, not because you have to, and it should never interfere with your family time or social obligations.

My workday beginning is 8:00 am and my workday end is 5:00 pm. Of course there is more that happens before and after those times, but it is within those times that I block out time for work and have specific goals to accomplish.

BLOCKING OUT YOUR TIME
I learned this one from my husband, who implements the concept with his Franklin Covey planner in a way I can only admire. The idea itself is Read the rest of this entry »

The Universal Questions

Who am I? What is my purpose? Why don't I feel satisfied? Is there more to life? Finding your place in the universe is a large task, but it is what we're all after in one way or another. We're either on the hunt, or wish we could be, or have been and have given up, or think maybe we have found something special, finally, but we're unsure and afraid. Some of us, very few of us, walk confidently through each day with the assurance that they are being who they are meant to be, doing the best that they can do, and using the moments as wisely as possible.

How Do You Fit in Now?

You feel misunderstood, unappreciated, insecure, sometimes alienated from the people you are closest to. You are constantly seeking but never achieving the standard you have set for yourself, overwhelmed by the tragedy in the world, and disappointed by your own failures and the failure of others.

You feel restless, bored with life, never taken seriously. You see your good ideas go to waste and are frustrated by the unwillingness of others to take a chance and have some fun. You are handicapped by your own disorganization, full of great visions but too overwhelmed by the process to ever get to the end result.

You feel impatient, demanding, and hate the unproductivity in life that you can't fix. You end up alone because you don't know how to connect with others. You are aggravated by the weakness and stupidity all around you, and though you see clearly how to correct wrongs you are frustrated because you simply cannot fix them all.

You feel apathetic, worried, indifferent to what others enthuse over, and fearful because you're so indifferent. You are unsure why other people can't just relax and get along, but you are full of unexpressed frustrations and secretly wish you could be bolder and more confrontational. You hesitate, go blank in key moments, and then regret the missed opportunities.

The Common Thread of Dissatisfaction

Which paragraph describes you? Maybe one in particular, or all of them, or a combination jumped out and you nodded to yourself as you read. The common thread of all the descriptions is this: dissatisfaction with yourself and your own part of the universe. You don't want to feel misunderstood, or bored, or unproductive, or fearful. You never intended to alienate yourself, or miss so many opportunities, or leave so many things undone, or let so many good ideas just die. But every day you see those negative moments repeated in your life and you haven't found a way to change that.

"The first step is admitting you have a problem," as we learn from Alcoholics Anonymous. Admitting dissatisfaction is the first step toward eliminating it. In yourself, the inner workings of who you are, and in your life, all those outward activities that compose your days, dissatisfaction is not really a negative thing at all; rather, it implies two very important concepts.

You and Your Life Are Worth Improving

Dissatisfaction with yourself and your life implies, first, that you and your life have a value beyond what is being given to them today from your current attitudes and habits. For example, you are dissatisfied with your relationship with your spouse. You feel like your spouse Read the rest of this entry »

I love typing 2008 instead of 2007. For some reason, or perhaps for many reasons, I am eager to be done with 2007 and push on into this new year. It could turn out to be the worst year of my life, but at this point the unknown possibilities are still more appealing than the all too well-known and survived past year.    It has been a year of change. The whole structure of the family business shifted with a fair share of growing pains. While my husband was dealing with those adjustments, I spent a month in Mississippi saying goodbye to my mom. In the six months since mom's funeral, we've begun remodeling our basement, my sister's divorce became final, Mara started walking, we had our second baby, Joe's grandfather moved in with Joe's parents after being diagnosed with liver failure, our church's senior pastor resigned, we started designing and maintaining websites as a side venture, I started putting more time into freelance writing, my dad got engaged to a wonderful lady, we hosted out-of-town family and friends, and we just returned from an amazing trip to Colorado over Christmas vacation.

I resist change even when it is good, as most of us do, so a year of change means a year of emotional stretching way past the point of comfort. Stretching hurts sometimes but it creates growth and brings in new experiences and new life. I need to start reaching for change instead of resisting it. Growth is, after all, what I'm after.