My goal is for my children to be as independent as they can be without hurting themselves or ignoring my authority.

Guilt-Free Independence

The only way children can have guilt-free independence is to be given clear limits and designated areas of freedom within those limits. Independence, too, is not the freedom to do whatever, whenever, however you want without regard to others. No true Christian ever has the “right” to that kind of irresponsibility, falsely deemed independence or freedom.

Freedom comes with limits, automatically, and the right way to teach children the real nature of freedom is to give them independence within certain constraints. For example, Mara has a shelf in her closet that is her “outfit” shelf. Once a week or so, I put 5 or 6 folded outfits on the shelf in a row. Every morning she is free to choose her outfit from that shelf. She has independence in choosing her outfit and dressing herself; she has limits in that her choice must come from a designated selection.

Freedom Is a Privilege

When the limits of freedom are ignored, a trust is broken; the right, the freedom, the independence has been abused. The only logical consequence is that the independence or freedom is either taken away completely or the privilege is reduced, the boundaries are tightened.

As a child, each freedom is a privilege. As an adult, certain freedoms we claim as rights but the vast majority are still privileges; when abused, they can be revoked. A child who is not willing to cheerfully respect the boundaries of his independence does not need more freedom but less.

Consequences of Abusing Freedom

I tell Mara and Robbie to stay in the front room and play while I take a basket of laundry to my bedroom. Three minutes later, I find them in the kitchen or wandering the hallway looking for me. What do I do? What is logical? Do I say, “Oh, I’m sorry, obviously you need more space and broader boundaries?”

No. He who is faithful in little will be faithful in much, and the converse is true: he who has not proven himself faithful in little will most likely not prove himself faithful with much. What I say is this: “Ah, you two disobeyed Mommy and went out of the limits I gave you. I can’t trust you with such big limits now. Go to the rug and stay there. Don’t leave the rug. That is your new limit.” Suddenly their freedom has been reduced. That’s a natural consequence of abusing freedom.

And my job now is to watch. The moment they edge off the rug, they receive a consequence. That’s how they learn to respect the limits that I put into place. (Conversely, as they show that they respect the limits I have put into place, I am now able to expand those limits for them.)

The Thing About Limits…

When kids break the boundaries and disregard the limits it is not because there is something wrong with the limits. No. It is because there is something wrong with the authority setting the limits: your authority. They do not respect your authority or believe your word, most likely because you have been inconsistent, threatening, repeating, and failing to stick to the limits you yourself put into place. You are not enforcing your own consequences, so they learn to disregard you.

Unfortunately, the lesson they are learning is one they will apply to all authority. You, the teacher in 6th grade, the state trooper, the new boss, and God. The home and the parents are the world for your child, and what she learns in the home and from the parents she applies to all places and all people.

I venture to say that it would be better for you to set no limits and at least let her learn from natural consequences than to set limits and threaten consequences which are ever-changing. At least she would learn something about the real nature of the world and the authority of God from natural consequences. She learns nothing helpful from your wavering. The lessons you teach her by vacillating are harmful lessons: how to manipulate, how to whine, that standards are not absolute, that authority is not to be respected, that there are no real absolutes, that rebellion pays off.

This Is Your Job

Ask yourself as a responsible parent: does your child need limits? Is he capable of setting reasonable boundaries for himself? No? Then it is your job to do so for him and your harm him when you waver and balk at this job. You leave him confused.

The limits are not the issue. Limits are circumstantial. Every child in every different culture and age has had a different set of limits, norms, standards applied. But there are still only two types of grown up people who emerge from all those countless variations of home, family, and parenting structures.

Pick One

The first type is the one who is happy, calm, capable, ready to serve or to lead, respectful of authority, and confident in his own powers in the world, creative, optimistic. The second type is the one who is panicked, uncertain, self-absorbed, insecure, selfish, moody, marked by a rebellious and apathetic spirit, with a stunted imagination and a dependency on society to define standards for him.
Yikes. I’ll take option A, please.

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Images

1. Lads a leaping courtesy of DragonDrop on Flickr.

Zeke is sleeping rather well at night; he usually gets a last feeding at 9 or 10, when I go to bed, and then wakes up once around 1 and again around 4.  I’m hopeful we can work our way past needing that 1 a.m. feeding pretty quickly. It’s kind of an unpleasant interruption in the middle of dreams, and it cuts the sleep really short, especially if I don’t go to sleep right after I feed him at 9 or 10. Which I hardly ever do…

I’m so much more relaxed with him, far more than with Mara and even more than with Robbie as a newborn. I’m not sure what the difference is. Maybe letting go of some perfectionism. Maybe trusting myself as a mother more. It helps to look at Mara and Robbie and think, “Hmm, they’re happy. They’re healthy. They’re relatively well-behaved. We must be doing okay.”

Actually what I’m struggling most with is staying consistent with Mara and Robbie while caring for Zeke. Since they are relatively well-behaved most of the time, I tend to just let little things slide. But then those little things become habitual behaviors, and I know they’re not good. How do you stay consistent and motivated when it’s not a BIG deal?

Yesterday I could hardly get Robbie to come when I called him, and he was crying (his version of pitching a fit) every time I told him no on anything. We were with my sister-in-law and niece at her house, then out at MacDonald’s – it wasn’t really the time for a training session. But obviously I’ve been letting some things go over the last few days if he feels comfortable with ignoring my commands. How do I see that coming? How do I keep myself consistent with him?

Perhaps I will put a Post-It on his forehead today, saying something like, “Hey, Mom, PAY ATTENTION!”

Ideas? Help?

Everything worthwhile that I have done has required discipline, pain, and sacrifice. Think about pregnancy and birth. Even getting married, candy-coated as that time was, required change, which is always difficult, and leaving behind the old life to begin a new one.

I have never regretted doing what is necessary to reach a worthy goal, to accomplish something important to me. Often I have regretted waiting, procrastinating, dumbing down the process until I’ve removed any thing really painful or fulfilling.

I don’t know why there is this necessary friendship of self-discipline and fulfillment, but it is undeniable. If you want to get anywhere that matters , it’s time to embrace the pain and learn the process.

1. Convince yourself of the benefits of the particular action. Write down the pros and cons. Show yourself on paper that it is necessary for you to do this in order to reach important goals. Don’t just focus on the goal, here, but on the difficult action to reach the goal. Don’t sugar coat it. Recognize that it is difficult but worth the difficulty.
2. Read a bout people who have done this sort of thing, any aspect of it. Read about their struggles. Memorize their quotes. Contemplate their success and what they gained by overcoming their own resistance. Saturate yourself with stories of these people until the difficult action seems normal, the very least to be demanded from you.
3. Create a plan and a schedule, define your specific action(s), make a checklist for every day for a month, and set up your surroundings to help you, not drag you back into old habits. Throw out the stuff that kept old habits alive. Clean out your refrigerator, or cancel your cable, or delete that number from your phone. Bring in the stuff that will help you with this new action. Set up your writing area, or buy fruits and vegetables and a healthy cookbook, or write a list of the qualities you’re looking for in a mate.
4. Get a daily accountability system in place. This could be a friend you phone or email for a progress report, your spouse, a blog ( like this one) or social site where you make a public commitment and then give daily updates, or a group working toward the same goal together.
5. Write a statement, just a sentence or two long, that reminds you of why you’re doing this, what the consequences will be if you don’t stick to it, and what the rewards will be if you do. Read it every night before bed and every morning when you wake up and every time you can through the day, especially when you’re tempted to cut corners on reaching your goal.

Persistence is key; make progress one day at a time and don’t let up. The more you repeat an action, the easier it becomes. If you make doing difficult things part of your life, you’ll come to enjoy the challenge each one brings and you’ll be rewarded by a life that is rich and fulfilling and inspiring to others. Someday people will be copying your own words down as motivation to help them do their difficult things.