photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography

1. Let them give it a good try.

That doesn’t mean don’t help, it just means give them a chance, let them try. Even let them flounder a bit. They don’t know how much they are capable of (neither do you). You have to give them room to stretch and be a bit awkward and make a few messes and get a little frustrated, even. That’s how they learn and gain new skills. Sure, teach them, walk them through processes, help them, encourage them. But don’t forget to give them room to try. You’ll be surprised at how much they can do. And once you know they can do it…

2. Don’t do anything for them that they can do themselves.

Why belittle the new skill they have just gained? Unless there’s a real need (e.g. house fire, potty emergency, we have to leave in five minutes or the world will end), let them exercise those skills and do for themselves. It will help them get better at the skills (which means faster) and will save you the trouble of doing everything for everybody.

3. Spend time listening, talking, teaching, playing with them, letting them work with you and be with you, NOT entertaining them.

You’re the Mom, not the birthday clown. They don’t need more entertainment; they need the most important people in their lives to treat them like real people, like important people. They need you to share your time, your knowledge, your respect, your sense of humor, your skills, your love. They need a real relationship, not a side show.

You don’t have sing silly songs or talk in a demented puppet voice or do hand motions or make funny faces to show your kids that you love them. (In fact, please don’t do those things except on special occasions.) Just be a real person and let them be a real part of your life. Entertaining themselves is their own responsibility.

4. Teach them to “be their own boss.”

Your job as Mom is to raise up your kids so they can take over the job of being their own boss. You are in the business of teaching them responsibility and independence. Give them principles to live by, help them develop good habits and skills, and then let them take off on their own. Remind them that they are learning to “be their own boss” but until they show that they’re capable of it, you’re the boss. (This also implies that they’re not anyone else’s boss, so they don’t need to run around telling people what to do.)

5. Teach them that respect is the basis of how we behave toward others.

Manners aren’t just a bunch of silly rules somebody made up. There’s a point to the rules: we show respect for others by how we behave around them and toward them. Teach your kids that they don’t need to just talk/do/go thoughtlessly; they need to be aware of the people around them. Teach them to notice and respect the needs and preferences of other people (starting with their own siblings).

Learning to listen, to wait, to be still, to entertain themselves, to not interrupt, to say please and thank you, to clean up their own messes, etc., is all part of showing respect (which is really showing love). This principle gives them a way to make good decisions about how to behave when there isn’t a particular rule, or when you’re not around to give them directions.

1. Quit repeating yourself.

Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. If you do say it, mean it. Say it once, leave it alone, then ACT if necessary to follow through on what you’ve said.
P.S. When saying stuff to your kids, e.g, instructions, commands, suggestions, etc., remember to be CLEAR and be BRIEF. Clear: don’t ask when you are actually telling. Don’t offer an option if there really isn’t one. Don’t confuse the issue. Don’t give too many choices. Simple is best here. Brief: The longer you talk, the less your kids hear. Short, sweet, and to the point.

2. Get rid of (at least) half the toys in your home.

If you’re thinking this is extreme, try it. Box up half of the toys/gear/supplies and stick it in the garage, attic, closet, whatever. If your kids ask for it specifically, then consider it worth keeping. If that hasn’t happened in a few weeks, give it away. Kids don’t need stuff as much as they need space, time, and freedom for creativity.

3. Equip yourself for the toughest meal time.

Maybe that’s breakfast for you, getting everyone out the door on time. Or maybe it’s dinner, what my sis and I commonly refer to as the witching hour, when everything and everyone seems to fall apart just as we’re trying to get supper finished and served. Either way, anticipate the stress by 1) planning quick, simple, easy meals; 2) keeping your pantry/fridge/freezer stocked so you always have something on hand; and 3) getting as much prep done ahead of time as you can.

4. Create a simple, daily routine for kids to follow.

Kids, in general, like routines. A simple routine does not mean you have to schedule your day and theirs in fifteen-minute increments. In fact, I beg of you, please don’t do that. But do establish some daily habits, like first we have breakfast, then we do chores, then we have art time… You can still have plenty of “unplanned” blocks of time, but giving yourself and your kids some mile markers through the day helps keep everyone sane, calm, and happy.

5. Institute room time.

Room time is essential, I think, if you have more than one kid (or hey, even if you only have one) and if you want to keep your sanity and give them their own creative space, too. We all need some down time, and especially for kids and stay-at-home Moms, we all need some down time away from each other. Room time provides that. In my house, it means the boys go to their room and shut the door and play with their toys in there (I don’t keep a ton of toys in there, by the way, mostly bigger, easy to pick up stuff like trucks. See #2.) Mara goes to her room and shuts the door and gets to chill by herself for a while. She actually asks for room time if I forget it. It gives her time to do some more complex stuff (art projects) or quieter games (her little ponies and dolls) that the boys often interrupt out in the main living areas.
I can hear if anybody destroys anything or gets hurt, but I can finish cooking dinner in peace or sit down and read for 30 minutes.

6. Quit feeling guilty about the FAIL days.

You’re a parent, you have days that are labeled with the big red FAIL stamp. This is how things go. We don’t like ‘em, and especially us Moms… oh, we think we should get it right, or mostly right, every single day. It’s not gonna happen. Yesterday was a FAIL day for me, to the point that I was really contemplating how much I could get for the kids if I put them on Craigslist. Lucky for them Joe got home just then… But you know what? We’re all human. The sooner we accept that, as parents, about ourselves, the sooner we can accept that our kids will also have faults, and we can deal with all those accumulate faults – theirs, ours, and everyone else’s – without freaking out. Freaking out, by the way, is not one of the 7 ways to be a better parent.

7. Reduce the demands on your life.

This one goes hand-in-hand with #6. It’s about expectations, and it’s about the fact that we often expect ourselves to live up to these demands that have accumulated over time. They can become burdensome, to say the least, and can keep us from enjoying life, relaxing, enjoying our kids, and doing the things that are really important (like napping). If you’re still obligated and performing simply because at some distant point in the past you agreed to some responsibility, consider if you might need to cut that off. We change, life changes, and we need to adjust the demands we allow ourselves to live under. More is definitely not better, unless you’re talking about more time with your kids, more time with your spouse, more time for yourself, more time to rest, and more time to be creative and have fun.

Image: mechika by I/Ong

I’ve stated before that one of my goals as a parent is for my children to be as independent as possible. That doesn’t mean they get to run wild; it means I make strategic choices to encourage them into independence on my terms, which looks like this:

• able to play by themselves without my constant intervention and direction
• able to handle conflict by themselves
• unafraid to try new things
• ready to learn and use new skills
• equipped to do what they can for themselves

You have to make conscious choices to encourage independent (not rebellious) children, which means children who will be independent learners. These choices don’t always look like typical parenting. Be prepared for some funny looks… and for a great pay-off: intelligent kids who can entertain themselves and who are interested in the world around them.

1. Time

   Two essential elements of time in a child’s life will either encourage or squelch independent learning.

   Element 1: Schedule/Routine. Kids need stability and a normal schedule with steady routines gives them that. When they have that stability, they have the security and confidence they need to explore and do stuff on their own. Kids without stability will be clingy or rebellious or (most often) an irritating combination of both.

   Element 2: Stretches of Time. Schedules give you an idea of where you’re going and what you’re doing; routines make it easy to accomplish the where and what. But schedules should also include stretches of time that are empty: time in which your kids are not entertained, organized, directed, instructed, or otherwise dominated (however sweetly) by a grown-up guide.

2. Boredom

   
   Boredom correlates with summer for most parents, because kids are suddenly free from the planned and structured days of schooling and left to their own plans and structures.
   It’s an overwhelming responsibility at first: a kid whose days have been directed in fifteen-minute increments must suddenly figure out his own way. Plan some summer things, sure, but not too many.
   Allow boredom to happen. Boredom is the space between entertainment and creativity. Too often we Moms jump in with the urge to fix and entertain and we prevent our kids from getting to creativity. Ignore the whines and leave them a little longer. Boredom never killed anybody.

3. Space

   Give your kids a little freedom from you by creating space, both physical and mental, for some of those open stretches of time. The best pattern for me and my kids has been about 10 to 15 minutes of “Mom time” followed by some time/space for independent play.
   We do something together, like reading books, singing songs, working outside, doing an art activity; then I get myself busy with work of my own, usually in my office or the kitchen, and I send them out of that room. I can still see and hear what is going on but it’s harder for me to intervene and direct and it’s easier for them to forget Mom and work things out for themselves.

4. Play

   I use the terms “independent play” and “independent learning” interchangeably because, essentially, they are the same thing. Independent play is independent learning; we just don’t also recognize it. It is also preparation for more mature independent learning. The patterns you set for play will become the patterns you follow for learning.

5. One Assumption

   Children who will be great at independent play and learning need one assumption from their parents. This single assumption will instill freedom and confidence in both you – the parent – and in your children.
   Assume that they know how and that they are capable unless they prove otherwise.

   Usually parents make the opposite assumption, and jump in to explain and help even when kids don’t need it. Sure, use common sense. A three-year-old shouldn’t be assumed capable of handling a sharp knife. But within safety boundaries, assume that they can unless they prove that they can’t. And let them struggle a bit. If they get to the place where they ask for help after they have already given a good try, they will actually be ready to listen and learn. Your instruction will be effective if you don’t give it too soon.

Remember: you’ve got to make conscious parenting choices if you want to encourage independent learning.
–

Photos by orangeacid, John Morgan.

Over the last few days, I’ve been skimming through Dr. Kevin Leman’s Becoming the Parent God Wants You to Be.
I picked it up from the church library after one of those weeks when I figured my fertility must have been oversight on God’s part. “Oh no, Annie had kids? That wasn’t supposed to happen…”

Yeah, yeah, one of those. And after one of those conversations in which a recently-returned-to-town friend casually threw out the, “So, what are you guys up to? What’s been going on with you lately?” bomb-of-a-question.

Eh? I wanted to say, Do you see these small people following me? They are what has been going on lately, and as far as I can tell, they are what will be going on for the next ten or fifteen or (dear God please help me) twenty years. That’s what I’m up to.

I held my tongue and said something vague and more appropriate. One of these days, though…

Anyway, on to the point, which I have now forgotten. Oh, yes, the book. The book that I brought home and which subsequently sat on my desk until another one of those weeks went by, at which point I pulled it out and thought, Maybe this would be more helpful if I read it.

Indeed.

“…godly parenting means treating your children the way God treats us, His children. He lovingly helps us make wise decisions about the realities of life.” (p. 21)

The line “treating your children the way God treats us” made me stop and think. God is not a taskmaster. God is not set on vengeance. God is not offended by our failures. God is not demanding our perfection. God is available. God is listening. God is speaking in ways I can understand, over and over again until I get it. God is not interested in the outward appearance, but in the heart. God is understanding, loving, gentle, kind, and merciful. God is truthful, firm, strong, and secure. God is happy: the joy of the Lord is my strength. How can He give me joy if He doesn’t have it Himself?

Ready for the obvious translation?

I should not be a taskmaster over my children. I should not be set on vengeance toward myself, for failing, or toward anyone else. I should not be offended my my children’s failures. I should not be demanding their perfection. I should be available. I should be listening, aware, watching. I should be speaking in ways that my children can understand, over and over again until they get it. I should not be so interested in how they look and should be completely interested in their little hearts. I should be understanding, loving, gentle, kind, and merciful. I should be truthful, firm, strong, and secure. (Not wavering. Not a pendulum.) I should be happy, too. It’s good to be happy.

I say “should be” not to pour guilt on myself or anyone else but to show us all what is possible.
Of course, with man these things are impossible. They are too high, too wide, too deep for my narrowness. But with God… with God…
all things are possible.

I congratulate myself on my skills of observation. It only took me a month to notice that those boxes of toys I keep tripping over – in the sun room, the front room, the bedrooms – are left emphatically alone by my children. Dismally untouched.

I don’t want to think about the amount of money represented there, now just sitting, unused. Little plastic pieces and rubber gizmos and wooden blocks — they’ve even abandoned the wooden block set! That one hurts because I like the idea of neat little towers of wooden blocks. Maybe if all the wooden blocks weren’t lost in the jumble of MacDonald’s toys and raggedy baby dolls.

I’m thinking of a drastic change. I’m thinking of just getting rid of the toys. Chunked. Out the window. To the Good Will. I can do this, I think, because I haven’t bought most of them. They were gifts or hand-me-downs or maybe thrift store purchases. And they are taking up space while my children play with non-toys. Things like

• my bowls and spoons in the kitchen
• random lengths of ribbon and yarn
• sticks
• gravel
• dirt
• mud
• water
• markers and crayons and play-dough and glue sticks
• bubbles
• sidewalk chalk
• books

Today Mara and Robbie spent an hour standing on little chairs in front of the sink washing dishes for me. An hour. And I actually had to tell Mara it was time to stop… Sure, they got wet. They got water on the floor. I needed to mop anyway; it actually made the job a bit easier to have some sudsy water there.

I’m getting a message from the kiddos and the message is this: hey, Mom, we like to play but we like to play with real stuff. These other toys are boring.

That makes sense. The only toys around that they do pay attention to at all are things like

• trucks and cars and tractors
• train table with trains
• purses and “fancy” dresses
• play kitchen with play kitchen stuff
• a few special baby dolls

They like things that are helpful for playing at real life, because that’s what kids are interested in. Real Life. The real life that Mommy and Daddy are part of.
The real life that they’re going to grow up and have. That real life. The one that matters. They know this, instinctively. They care. They are playing at it because that’s how they learn about it and that’s how they prepare for it.

Two days ago Mara spent 30 minutes chopping mushrooms with a butter knife. A few days before that, Mara and Robbie sat at the counter diligently peeling boiled eggs. They were more absorbed in this “work” than they would have been in a movie or any fancy shiny new plastic thing.

So, hmmmm, let me think: I can entertain my daugher with a handful of mushrooms and a butter knife, and she’s learning kitchen skills, or I can spend $25 on a toy that will teach her nothing and will break and will lose its appeal before it breaks. You can buy a lot of mushrooms for $25. That’s a lot of chopping.
That’s a lot of time with my daughter at the kitchen counter, chatting me up while she works away, helping me with dinner, not just playing at real life but actively participating in it.

This is getting to be less and less of a tough decision and more and more of a given. I’ll keep you posted.

Images

1. Who needs toys courtesy of Ernst Vikne on Flickr.

Oh, joy, the haunting questions of motherhood. If you females didn’t have a guilt complex before you had a baby, I bet you got bit by one full-force in the postpartum days. Suddenly everything matters. Everything could be it – the mistake – the one wrong thing you do as a parent that is so wrong it warps your child unalterably.

What should my kids learn, what do I deal with, what is a normal part of childhood, what do I ignore?
What will they just grow out of?
What matters?
What will mess them up for the rest of their lives?
What will they tell their therapist about me?

More Haunting Questions. I’m Feeling Very Haunted Today.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I tend to a kind of parenting style I haven’t heard much about. It’s not permissive, it’s not authoritarian. It’s pendulum-swing-style parenting. It works like this: I know, know know know know know, that my children need boundaries, need to respect authority, need to know absolutes. So I set the line and I hold the line. I instruct, I train, I reprove, I discipline, I get exhausted, I feel overwhelmed, I feel guilty.

Am I going overboard?
Am I keeping them from expressing their creativity?
Am I stifling their little souls?
Am I damaging their emotions?
Am I making everything too big of a deal?

Wheee This Is Better Than Disney World

So I hop on the pendulum and swing to the other side… I ignore things. I only deal with “the big stuff.” I let it go. I give sweet little phrases meant as admonishment. I ask questions. I just dump choices on their heads. I check their preferences. I follow. They lead. I realize this is wrong. I realize we are falling apart.

I get back on the pendulum and swing to the other side.

And so it goes until we are all dizzy and confused.

This morning I read a verse that, I think, must be new to my Bible. At least I’ve never noticed it before.

“Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the tablet of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.” (Proverbs 3:3-4)

Let’s Get Together, Yeah Yeah Yeah

It’s that first part, do you see it?
Mercy and truth. Both of them. Mercy and truth together. Mercy and truth as a pair. Mercy and truth working together.

You see the connection, I’m sure. Truth, the authoritarian side, the black is black and white is white, the walk-the-line parent. Mercy, the empathetic heart, the emotional response, the nurturing, explaining, protecting parent. They’re supposed to work together. Really close together. Bound on your neck and written on your heart together.

I’m not sure how I missed that all this time. I’m not sure exactly what that looks like in parenting: how does it become an even, steady gait instead of a dizzying ride back and forth? I think now would be a good time to find out.

-

Images

1. Requisite photo courtesy of EdenPictures on Flickr.

“Children are thoroughly human and if all their needs are provided for, with little effort on their parts they fall into habits of inertia and moral flabbiness as surely as their elders do under similar conditions. What we parents need to realize is that ordinary modern conditions more and more tend to put children in a passive, receptive mental attitude, and not in an active and masterful one; and further that we can not better this condition without taking a great deal of very intelligent thought” (1).

A lovely woman by the name of Dorothy Canfield Fisher wrote that back in 1916, which I personally didn’t realize was such a time of modern convenience. Comparative, I guess, to 1816 or thereabouts, I guess things had gotten significantly easier.
Wonder what she would have thought about video games? Talk about a passive, receptive mental attitude.

A Slight Dilemma?

But I take your point, Ms. Fisher, all goose-chasing aside. The point is even more relevant now, in 2010, almost a hundred years later. (Look at me, doing simple math all by myself!)
Thought 1: I am not going to revert to raising & killing my own chickens, washing clothes by hand, or hauling water by the bucketful in order to teach my children about work.
Thought 2: I am not willing to raise passive, lazy, good for nothings.

Work Is Good

Work (required, unpaid) should be a natural part of a child’s life. Work is part of the life of the family. Through doing work for and with the family, the child learns a few important points:

Point 1: There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

Well, really, that’s the baseline, isn’t it? “If a man shall not work, neither shall he eat” (2). Obviously it would be futile for us to expect our tender young dears to literally earn the money required to feed them. But it is not futile or unreasonable to expect a certain amount of work to be done by their cute little hands.

Point 2: Every member of the family is important.

Every member of the family is a contributor to the whole health, wealth, and happiness of the family. Work is the original self-esteem group therapy. When a child (yours, for instance, or mine) knows he really is helping, he feels wanted, needed, and valuable. Ta da! Instant self-esteem! When a child, however, sees that Mommy is working and Daddy is working and they are all too busy with work to be with him, he feels left out and unimportant. That’s why kids always want to help. They’re asking in their little way, Hey, how do I fit in here? If you’re doing the important work, how do I get in on that? I want to be important too.

Here are the things we parents must keep in mind:

Easy as Herding Cows Cats

Thing 1: Teaching your children to work when they are either a) very young and innocently incompetent or b) older and not used to working, thus annoyingly resentful, is about as easy as herding cats.

The young ones are eager, usually, but need instruction (over and over and over again) and help (over and over and over again) and show-me-how (over and over and over again) and practice (over and over and over again). And they’ll slow you down while they are tagging along to help out.
You have to think of training very young children to work as an investment. If you’d been smart enough to invest in Google way back when, you wouldn’t have gotten much of a return the first couple of years. But later, it would have paid off.

Um, You Might Have to Work, Too…

Thing 2: Monkey see, monkey do. If you’re lazy and spend every moment you can lounging around, that’ll be your kid, too. If you grumble and complain about going to your job or getting up early or having to do hard things, that’ll be your kid, too.

So Parent, train thyself! Self-discipline is necessary in order to be a good parent, the kind of self-discipline that you want to avoid, but that you need in large, painful doses.

And Now I’d Like to Introduce…Chores!

Back in my day (the first time legwarmers were in style), work which we’re talking about, the required and unpaid “part of the family” kind, was simply called chores. Heard of that? I bet you have. Bet you grew up with chores. Bet your parents told you stories about how much easier you had it, how their chores were much more difficult, never-ending, so on.

Before I go on, I’ve got a confession to make. I’m not really good at this with my kids, not on a consistent, thought-out basis.

I expect certain things from them, but I’m also half-obsessed with efficiency and so I often sweep in and do it for them. I “help” and hurry them along and that is not teaching them about work. That is teaching them about how to dawdle until Mommy gets so irritated that she does it for you. Kids are smart. They catch on.

So this is me, working out my work ethic for my children via the writing & posting process. (Did I mention I was obsessed with efficiency? I’m also knitting a sweater for Mara with my toes as I type… and listening to books on tape. And meditating.)

Why My Children Work

• Because work is part of life, a good and rewarding and necessary and unavoidable* part of life. Teaching my children about work from an early age builds in them a right attitude toward work, a good work ethic, and allows them to learn basic skills as they grow.
• Because work is part of family life. Having definite, regular work assigned to each child is a constant assurance of that child’s place in the family. Teaching and then expecting children to do their work responsibly is the clearest way of saying You are important and a valuable part of our family and we couldn’t do without you.
• Because I love to work. Don’t get me wrong, I love to get a massage or take a nap, too, but hands-down my favorite thing to do is accomplish something. Those words are the Balm of Gilead to my over-active little soul. So, since I want to have my children with me, and since it’s either entertain them and try to work at the same time or make the work the entertainment, they get to work too! Lucky kids.
• Because work, and the skills necessary to do the work, are helping my children become self-reliant, competent, and intelligent people who have a good idea of the world and what’s in it. I don’t expect my children to be rocket scientists by 15; but I do expect them to have common sense and a good stock of common knowledge. Work is a natural antidote to ignorance.

What Work Is, What Work Isn’t

What I do not mean by work is a bunch of arbitrary, unplanned tasks thrown at a child who needs discipline and/or attention. Children will be frustrated and resentful if you use work as a way to avoid them (both by obsessing over your work or giving them too much of their own). Children, like anyone, want to know that what they are doing actually matters.

Very very young children are a little different: my 2 year old likes to “tap” the boiled eggs as a help to me and his sister before we peel them. Kind of arbitrary, yes, doesn’t really matter, no. But he doesn’t get that yet. He will soon, and as a general rule of thumb I try to remember this: the older a child gets, the more important and challenging the work required of them should be.

A Few Points to Remember

• Work should be regular and definite, so there is a beginning and an end.
• Work should be taught, one task at a time. You should offer assistance or, at the least, verbal instruction and encouragement while a child masters a new task.
• Work should be established as a regular habit. You do your chores every morning, you clean up every night, etc. Make it routine and you’ll get less resistance.
• Work should come before play. This is a beautiful principle that every child should learn, the principle of deferred gratification. First you do your chores, then you get to go outside and play. First you make your bed, then you eat breakfast.
• Work should be the default way your child can earn extra privileges at home. I’m not saying kids should have to work for everything; it’s great to give and be a generous parent. Go for it. But don’t forget to give your child the chance to earn something he wants by the sweat of his brow. It will create more value than could ever be attached to a gift.
• Work should have an end. Yours, too. Teach your children, by example, to work hard and work well, and then teach them that there is also a time for rest and play. Don’t train them to find their identity in what they can accomplish by being a workaholic yourself. Praise them for how they work, for their attitude, for their effort, and for their character, not just for what they accomplished. And when it’s time to stop working, stop without guilt or regret or nagging or distraction and focus fully on the leisure time you have together.

*A few options do exist for avoiding work entirely, but most are unethical. Or stupid. Or irritating to the rest of the world. So just don’t go there.

References

1. Fisher, Dorothy Canfield. Self-Reliance. Pages 4 and 5.

2. 2 Thessalonians 3:10.

Images

1. Hardworking little woman courtesy of Vince Alongi on Flickr.