SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

It is 8:30 on a Saturday night and I am about to gorge myself on good chocolate and books. I am full of resolution. I am full of cheer. I am alone with the hot running water, in a cocoon the color of the shower curtain. My library loot is stacked beside me on the handmade, colored "Mara HEARTS Daddy" step stool. A pile of Ghirardellis on the ledge of the tub, next to my bottle of cold water.

Joe's out snowboarding, the 3-under-3 are sleeping, and tonight I'm kicking it Mommy-style. Mommy after 3 days of no-routines, messy-house, movie-overload, good-times chaos. Mommy after 3 days of feeling slightly guilty that she has trouble going with the flow and that
she kind of resents the extra work that results from all this fun. Read the rest of this entry »

I'm always there. I'm overseeing every moment of their little lives. Even on bad hair days.

They may not know it, but
I'm always close, watching, listening, protecting. Why? Right now, it's about guiding and training their behavior, protecting them from any sort of abuse, and guarding their little hearts from fear, insecurity, confusion.
That means I don't just blithely send them off to whatever activity or childcare is offered. My default is that they stay with me. I want to know what's going on with them, what they're experiencing. I have to be there to know that.

I choose very carefully the people who take care of them when I need a sitter - it's grandparents or Aunties or, very rarely, a single gal I know and trust who has a great track record with us. I have a few other standbys - married women who are raising/have raised kids in the same kind of protecting, nurturing way - but every there I'm careful, prayerful. Paranoid? Maybe, but I don't think so. These children - my children - are innocent little travelers in a big, rough world.

They'll grow up and be capable of handling it, but that's not for a while yet. Right now their hearts and minds are so tender, impressionable. A scary cartoon has a big effect. If I let them loose into a world of confusing, conflicting adult standards, the number of negative experiences would increase 1000%. Not all would be really bad. A kid doesn't have to be abused to become hurt, scared, and unsure about right and wrong.
I want my children to grow up to be adults who know right and wrong as absolutes and who have a positive, optimistic outlook. Differing standards and negative experiences undermine those two goals. No, I can't control everything. I'm not saying I always say no, or that I never let them out to learn and interact. I am saying this, though: I'm there.

I'm there to see what happens, to explain, to shield, to provide security and reason even when things are difficult. I tell my kids the truth. When our dog died, I told them. When they asked if Gigi (my step Mom) was my Mommy, I explained: No, my Mommy died. (Their answer: Like our doggie died? Yes, kids, death is death.)
They live in this fallen world too and they can't be shielded from all pain, nor should they be. But I'm in charge of their pain management. Joe and I are the interpreters of the world for them. When big scary things happen, we are there to put it in context for them. And you don't know what a big scary thing is to them unless you're there.

So. Unless one of my tried-and-true, trusted sitters is available, our kids stay with me. And even when the sitters are available, most of the time our kids stay with me. I love them. I want them with me. I want to be there. We leave them maybe twice a month for a date night out. Other times we have date night in (better dress code...).
I pass on most Mommy's Day Out, drop and shop, etc programs where there are way too many factors out of my control. Every week or two, when I get claustrophobic and need time to be me-sans-Mommyness, Joe keeps the kids at home and I go out for a couple of hours.

For classes and fun stuff like dance or gym or sports that I want them to be part of (and there aren't many), I make sure 1) it's a group deal with 2+ adults there at all times and 2) I stay and watch to see how things go for a while before I leave, IF I leave and 3) I'm always early for pickup time, to see how things wrap up and to be sure my child isn't left alone unsupervised or uncertain about what's net. I avoid situations that I can't predict with accuracy when it comes to leaving my children.

That's the place I've come to with my kids. They are very young right now, and as they grow we will have a bit more freedom. But I come back to this truth: these little people are given to me as a trust. No one else has the heart and instinct and mind to mother my children, because God gave that to me. I'm their Mom, and these days of intensive mothering are few and swiftly passing. I want to make the most of them.

(Poor kids. This means they're definitely going to end up weird like me. Mwahahaha.)

What do you think? How do you handle the endless opportunities for outings? What are you standards? How do you fit in alone time?

This post is part of the 30-Minute Blogging Challenge at SteadyMom.

Attributes of Fools

Fools:

• Despise wisdom
• Despise instruction
• Hate knowledge
• Are destroyed by prosperity
• Inherit shame
• Are clamorous
• Are simple
• Know nothing
• Weigh parents down
• Will fall
• Are near destruction
• Lie
• Hide hatred
• Utter slanders
• Listen to gossip
• Die for lack of wisdom
• Delight in mischief
• Are right in their own eyes
• Make their anger known
• Proclaim foolishness
• Bring shame
• Are destroyed

Raising Up Fools

Let's translate that list into parenting.

When I ignore my husband, ridicule my pastor, and otherwise demean authority figures and teachers in my life, I am teaching my children to hate wisdom and instruction.
When I panic, yell, argue loudly, speak before I listen, nitpick, and quarrel, I am teaching my children to be clamorous. When I allow them to interrupt, argue, question authority rudely, and make demands, I am teaching them to be clamorous.
When I give my children silly answers to serious questions. I am raising them to be simple-minded.

When I give my children arbitrary rules with no underlying principles, I am raising them to be fools who know nothing.

When I don't teach them how to communicate with respect, when I make excuses for them, I am turning them into children who will bring shame and weigh us, their parents, down.

When I allow temper tantrums...
When I give explanations for everything...
When I don't set boundaries...
When I act like a fool...

I am raising fools.

That's kind of heavy, isn't it? Hang with me here. It gets better. Read the rest of this entry »

Why is it that we parents always fall back on negative reinforcement to get the training job done? Or maybe when I say "we parents" I really just mean myself. Maybe all you other Mommies are all about the positive reinforcement, encouragement, rewards, pats on the back, and the rest.

My husband's primary love language is words of encouragement; he's awesome with encouraging and motivating positively. He is also a very compassionate and giving person. I am, well, let's just say that mercy and generosity are not my strengths. Heh.
So I tend to be pretty black-and-white, and I tend to be kind of unsympathetic, and I tend to just dole out punishment "as needed" until I get tired of doling out punishment, at which point I resort to threatening and repeating. Bad cycle.

Well. It occurred to me that training, teaching, even (gasp) parenting can be a positive experience if I take a little initiative. Basically I got tired of being the NO woman and I wanted to set things up so I got to hand out rewards instead of, oh, spankings. Voila.

The chart was born: in this case, "Mara's Big Girl Skills Chart." Mara is 3 1/2 and all about being a big girl and doing things herself... unless it's bedtime, and she's tired, and I tell her to get her pajamas on. Or it's morning, and she just got up, and I tell her to get dressed. Or playtime is over, and there are toys everywhere, and I tell her to clean up. Suddenly that big-girl independence isn't so appealing.

So I made the chart. It has five big rectangles, and each one has a little description and lots of space for stickers. I don't know about your 3 1/2 year old little girl, but mine loves stickers. And even more than stickers, she loves new toys, surprises, treats: happies, I call them. So I taped the chart on her closet door and I told her the deal: everytime you complete one of these things by yourself, you earn one sticker. When you earn five stickers, you get a happy.

That night we were getting close to bedtime so I started rounding up kids for the pajama routine.
Me: "Mara, time for bed! Go potty and get your pjs on!"
Mara: "Mooooommmmmmyyyy, I think, I think, I think you need help me."
Me: "Okay, Mara, I will be happy to help you. But if you go potty and get your pjs on all by yourself, you get a sticker! If I help you, you don't get a sticker."
Mara: "Oh. Ummmm, I think, I think I can do it all by self."
Me: (smiling gleefully) "Okay, Mara!"

And she did "all by self" go potty and get pajamas on. The next day we had a similar conversation about getting dressed; and she did, "all by self," get dressed. And then put on her socks and shoes. And then cleaned up her toys. And then got ready for bed... and by that time, had earned enough stickers to get a prize which was a new can of Play-Dough. Best $0.84 I ever spent.

I think she enjoyed the whole process almost as much as I did...

Just today I updated her chart, which is covered with stickers. She's gotten so good at the items on the chart that it's time to move on to some more challenging items. By the way, this whole concept worked great for a little night-time issue we were having: every night (or, more accurately, eeeeeearly every morning), Mara would appear in our bedroom. And want to sleep with us. Usually I just let her, or threw a blanket on the floor and told her to sleep there. It was getting old, though, so I put "sleeping in my own bed all night" on the chart. Every night when I tucked her in, I would remind her: "If you sleep in your own bed all night, you'll get a sticker on your chart in the morning!"
And in the morning, if she was in our bed, I'd say, "Oh, too bad we can't give you a sticker this morning!" If she had stayed in her own bed, she got a sticker and a hug and a high-five and a great display of congratulations. I think it took about a week. She now stays in her bed all night almost every night.

Chart 1:
"I got dressed all by myself!"
"I put on my socks and shoes by myself!"
"I cleaned up my toys!"
"I got ready for bed by myself!"
"I slept in my own bed all night!"

Chart 2:
"Clear dishes and wipe counter after a meal."
"Get dressed and straighten my bedroom."
"Put away toys/clean up my area."
"Do my chores and/or help Mommy."
"Get ready for bed and pick up the bathroom."

We'll see how Chart 2 goes. I'm hoping we can graduate from just getting dressed to getting dressed and NOT leaving half the contents of the closet on the floor... Meanwhile, I need to go find some more stickers.

Image courtesy of Pink Sherbet Photography on Flickr.

Yesterday morning, Robbie slid off the edge of my bed, trying to climb in. He looked up at me and said, "Sowwy!" A little later, he stumbled over the threshold: "Sowwy!" After church he was playing and I heard someone say, "Oh, how cute! He said sorry when he fell down."

Hmmm. Apologies are important, and necessary, and most people don't offer them enough and do a sloppy job of them. Saying "my bad" doesn't count. But over-apologizing is another beastie. Why is Robbie saying sorry for everything? Because he hears his Mommy saying sorry for everything. Why does his Mommy say sorry for everything? She's not sure.

Low self-esteem? Southern courtesy? Overly developed sense of propriety?

I don't really know, and intense self-analysis is usually a waste of my time. For some reason or for many reasons, I apologize for things that are beyond my control. I apologize when I feel uncomfortable, when I'm sympathizing, when I'm uncertain. I say I'm sorry when I should say excuse me. I say I'm sorry when I should be silent.

And here it is coming from my little boy's lips. He's smiling. He's not upset. He's just saying "Sowwy" a lot these days. Children are the mirrors of our personalities, our quirks, our habits. Whatever we throw out there they soak up and reproduce in some form. All of a sudden I feel like a bug pinned on the microscope. I don't know much about my ugly insides, but they are about to be displayed and there's nothing I can do about it. Except cringe. And say, "Sorry."

...it is upon the mothers of the present that the future depends... because it is the mothers who have the sole direction of the children's early, most impressible years.

...And they [must] take it [motherhood] up as their profession - that is, with the same diligence, regularity, and punctuality which men bestow on their professional labours.

Nothing is trivial that concerns a child.

{Charlotte Mason, Home Education}

Image courtesy of adreson.

"The training of children is no mere side-issue; it is the main business of those of us who are parents."

I realized today that the reason I most often get frustrated with my children is that I am frustrated with myself. I've gotten behind, I've lost focus, I'm having a bad hair day... For one reason or another, I'm not meeting my personal goals. I'm not being consistent and diligent with myself, and that becomes (too quickly) me not being consistent and diligent with my children. And how quickly that escalates into lots of whining, lots of nagging, lots of tears, lots of frustration. The kids don't do so well, either...

It is when I am frustrated that I don't notice the horrible things I am teaching my children.

It's Never Your Fault.

They fall and get an owie and we say, "Oh that mean old table.” Why not "Hey, watch your head when you crawl under the dinner table"? Wouldn't that be better advice, and help them avoid another head-table collision in the future?

You Always Get To Choose.

We do this a million times a day. Red cup or blue cup? Pink pajamas or purple pajamas? Crackers or pretzels? Juice or milk? Up or down? The Alphabet Song or The Itsy Bitsy Spider Song? Markers or crayons? We're trying to be nice. We like watching their little decision-making mechanism at work.

We think it's cute, but we end up  creating a whole lot of unnecessary confusion for our children, hassle for ourselves, and in the end a child who expects that, always, in every situation, he gets to make a choice.

Real life, of course, is full of choices but also full of situations in which there are no options. Pain, hurt, injury, Speedos, work, loneliness, heartburn, hardship, grief, traffic, betrayal, bad hair days, rain, nosy neighbors, PMS, aging, IRS, taxes, polyester, death: you can avoid some, but you certainly can't avoid all. The only choice that always exists is the choice of how we respond.

We would bless our children to teach them the art and skill of choosing happiness no matter what, choosing acceptance when there is no other option, choosing gratitude... Those are good choices to know how to make. Choosing red or blue never really helped anyone, even when it comes down to politics.

Life Is Fair.

Everyone gets equal portions of cake passed out on equally pretty plates. Siblings endure the same bedtime even when the age differs significantly. We count to make sure they all have the same number of presents, within the same price range, the same opportunities, experiences, advantages, and on and on. I don't need to point out why this is a stupid move.

Anyone who has experienced life beyond the cradle knows it isn't fair. That we long for justice, that we feel justice should prevail, is true. This is why we love movies with a clear-cut hero and villain and you-know-who gets what's coming to him in the end. Rah rah rah for truth, justice, and the American way! We have ideals, but we also have reality.

Everybody gets hangnails and indigestion, not just the bad guys. Sometimes the nicest people have the crummiest lives. Sometimes the hardest workers end up the poorest. Why we feel like we should coddle our children into thinking otherwise is beyond me. Of course, it's nice to be even and equal, and it's nice that we can smooth some things out for kids, but we parents make a career of it.

Right and Wrong Are Relative.

We daily, hourly instill in them a principle of morals by preference: if it feels good (at the time) then it's right, if it feels otherwise then it's wrong. It's by our own failure to be consistent with discipline – for ourselves and for them - that we pound this into their little brains. No wonder they wind up confused about God, truth, right, wrong, professional sports, and Santa Claus.

The good news is that love covers a multitude of sin. It is our own sin that needs covering, when it comes to being a parent. “We're not ready for a baby yet,” I've heard young couples say. Heavens no. They're not ready. No one ever is.

How can you be ready to be a perfect moral example, to wear spit-up like a badge of honor, to second-guess every truth you've ever known, to realize that your failures directly influence your child, to give up sleep, sex, sanity, selfishness? You're never ready; you just go into it blind and deaf and mute and come out of it seeing and hearing and singing (sometimes yelling). Parenting is the strangest thing a person can ever do. I highly recommend it.

Images courtesy of octavioags,  minotaurus, David Knox, felly1000. Quote from The Training of Children in the Christian Family, by Luthur Allan Weigle, p. 14.

What's more difficult than getting things done with kids underfoot? Getting things done with kids underfoot without feeling guilty for ignoring them!

Finding balance is key: work time, play time, me time, kid time... but soon all those different time sections just merge into one mass of "I don't have enough time" and then - wheeee! - you get to feel guilty for not getting anything done. It's a drag. Let's find a better way to live. (Quick, pack your suitcase and meet me in Terminal A for the next flight to Oahu.)

Here's the Tip List for dealing with a day, a household, a work schedule, a life that refuses to be neat and manageable.

• First thing to remember: Perfection is not a part of the deal.
• Second thing to remember: Quit taking yourself so seriously.
  
• Third thing to remember: What will you remember about these years? Make that important. Let the rest slide.

1. Take 10 minute breaks to focus on the kids and quit thinking about work/housework. You need a play break and they need a break when they can have your attention without interrupting what you're doing. Take 5 or 10 minutes every hour or two and sing a song, dance, play a silly game, sit and talk, read a book, walk the block, color a picture.
2. Expect interruptions. They are inevitable. If you expect them as part of the normal flow of your day, you won't be as irritated. Always give yourself a cushion: allow more time than you really need to complete a task so that the interruptions which will occur when kids are around don't throw you into tailspin.
3. Focus on one task at a time. You're already multitasking; you're a Mom. Don't make it harder on yourself by adding even more. Focus on one single task at a time.
4. Simplify. Challenge yourself to simplify something every single day. Switch to one all-purpose cleaner instead of five different specialty products. Take something off the calendar. Get rid of clutter. Give away the books you don't really want to read.
5. Include your kids in what you're doing when you can; make it clear to them when you can't so they understand the difference. So, if they can have a little cleaning rag and spray bottle and "help" you with housework, let them. If you need to sit at the computer or, say, dismantle a bomb, then just let them know: "Mommy is working by herself right now. You may go ____________. I'll be available in 20 minutes." And then remember Tip #2.
6. Accept spontaneous snuggles. There are never enough, and you will never regret breaking from that blog post or dirty dish or tv show to get one. Schedule in play time for yourself with the kids.
7. Have some extended play time beyond the 5 and 10 minute breaks. It doesn't have to be everyday, but it could be. It doesn't have to be hours long. How about at the end of the afternoon when everyone is kind of tired and cranky and ready for Daddy to get home or dinner to finish cooking or the right show to start or whatever? Grab a board game or head outside to the sprinkler for 20 or 30 minutes. It will do you all good.
8. Lay down the law first thing in the morning; this establishes the tone for the rest of the day. It's time for Mommies everywhere to rise up and take charge! The sooner, the better. It's not fun doling out discipline right after breakfast (or before) but the quicker you are at dealing with bad attitudes and unacceptable behavior, the quicker you'll see a change. It's much more difficult to convince kids you're serious - "No whining for REAL!" - when they've been getting away with it all day long. But catch it in the morning and they'll be very aware - all day long - that you said it and, jiminy cricket, you mean it.
9. Don't attempt intense projects with the kids around. Wait until naptime. For work which requires full concentration, whether household project or business item, wait until you have time alone: nap time, kids over at a friend's house, night time after kids are in bed. You will only be frustrated if you attempt the intense stuff with your children all over the place. You will do a poor job of it and probably end up snapping some unsuspecting child's head off in the process. Remember Tip #2. Yeah. That's why.
10. Talk to them about what you're doing. Whether they can help or not, they can learn. Kids are fascinated by what grown-ups do (up to a certain age, that is). Explain. Show them how things work. Talk to them, even if it's way over their heads. If nothing else, they'll get so bored they'll go find something else to do until you're finished...
11. Take the learning moments as they come. You can't plan everything, even if you and Franklin Covey are, like, BFF. So when spills, messes, upsets, owies, new experiences, questions, needs, and the like arise, take them for what they're worth. A spill at the table is a moment to teach how to hold a cup correctly. A mess in the living room is a good time to review picking up toys. An upset over sharing a toy can be 5-minute training time on saying please and thank you. You get the idea.
12. Give yourself a break. You're doing a great job. Sure, your kids will be weird and warped and not - gasp! - perfect. Welcome to life. But a kid who is loved can overcome all sorts of weirdness and warpedness (is that a word?). So take a breath, relax your shoulder muscles, and enjoy the craziness.

"In this country, we are apt to let children romp away their existence, till they get to be thirteen or fourteen [or twenty-three or twenty-seven]. This is not well. It is not well for the purses and patience of parents; and it has a still worse effect on the morals and habits of children. Begin early is the great maxim for everything in education. A child of six years can be made useful; and should be taught to consider every day lost in which some little thing has not been done to assist others." {Lydia Marie Child; The American Frugal Housewife.}

Begin early.

Even 1 and 2 and 3 years old. As soon as children start crawling, have them come and go where you direct. Teach them to help you by staying where you put them, in a particular area (on a blanket, on a rug, in a room with you), or by following along with you as you move through the house. If they understand the mental and physical coordination of crawling or scooting, they likewise can understand Read the rest of this entry »