I'm talking to you women out there who have thought of a dozen new businesses, but started none of them. You've dreamed up new products, contemplated marketing ideas, started little projects... and never gone past the dreaming. You've always stuck at the starting line. It wears you down.

I'm talking to you women who feel stretched to the max, pushed and pulled and demanded and needed and wanting to be everything to everyone. But also, inside, you're wanting to scream because you've pushed your own needs down for so long.

I'm talking to you.
Are you listening?

Are you wondering where you went?

Do you look back at photos of yourself and think, "Where did that girl go?" Do you stutter and mumble when people ask you what you've been doing lately? You mutter a boring answer like "oh, the job" or "oh, the house" or "oh, the kids" and then change the subject. Are you excited about anything in your life right now, or are you just tired? Kind of bored. Listless.

I don't buy the boredom excuse.

The world is so full of a number of things... and so are you. You're in there, stuffed way down near the back, crammed into a little wad behind "money worries" and "family obligations" and "taking care of other people" and "trying to get life figured out" and "large chunk of self-doubt I keep banging my shin on." Yep. There you are. I see you. Hi! Go on. Give me a little wave.

We need to get you back out into the light.

Let's talk about something inspiring, something fresh and energizing, something that awakens you... something like house cleaning. Yeah. That's it.

Look, here's the deal: some things aren't a matter of choice or preference but of necessity. House cleaning is a great example. I don't love it. It's not a natural high. It's not my fun activity for the weekend. (Is it yours, because if so, let's work out a deal...). But it has to be done, for a number of reasons, so we do it. Sometimes finding yourself isn't about what you do but about how you do it.
You still have a choice and personal expression in even the lowliest of tasks. There are three ingredients:
1. Attitude
2. How you do what you do.
3. Where you put the attention (yours and everyone else's).

"There is choice involved in the very simplest form of creativity..." says Schaeffer, and then she goes on to say that those "'if-only' feelings can distort our personalities, and give us an obsession which can only lead to more and more dissatisfaction" (1).

Let's take that housecleaning example a little bit further.

I'm not going to start preaching about the atmosphere of the home,

...the sanctity of what you do as a modern homemaker, the benefits for your children... though those issues certainly deserve thought and attention. But let's just look at you. You live in a house. You don't want to live in a dirty place. So you clean. You pick up your clothes, you wipe off a counter, you sweep the floor.

You can either do all those things (for yourself and for the other people living in your home) with a grudging, bitter, woe-is-me attitude that can't wait to be getting to the important stuff in life or you can find a way to make the necessary duties less drudge, more lively. Schaeffer refers to this as "bringing the artistic into life" (2).

I'm not saying you have to don a lacy apron and make sweet love to the vacuum cleaner.

I'm saying get creative, even on the things that are daily ho-hums.

Like this: get your organizational powers to work and make up a cleaning schedule that is the most efficient thing anyone's ever heard of. Figure out how to get your house sparkly in ten minutes a day. Or this: make your own aromatic, natural cleaning potions, if that's what toots your horn. Use them to clean your own home, wow your friends with the non-toxic goodness, and start up a side business... Or this: Put on some loud, fast, fun music, your old grubby clothes, give all the kids a dust rag, and party like it's 1999 while you clean. Or this: wear your Bluetooth and chat up your old friends while you wash dishes, wash windows, wash clothes. Or this: carry a trash bag and challenge yourself to declutter each space as you clean, week-by-week creating the simple, minimalist space you crave.

Why are we talking about housecleaning in a series that is supposed to be about rediscovering the you that got buried under all those cleaning supplies?

Because you have to start where you are.

I'm guessing that even though you feel like you want to run away from home some days, you have a commitment to staying. You love your husband. You love your children. You're not going to run away, which means that you need to rediscover yourself in that home you have to clean, while you're with those kids you need to care for, when you're spending time with that husband who loves you, too.
If transforming your life can't happen in the daily grime and grind, then it's not real transformation; it's just redecorating. We don't want that. That's a waste of time.

"We are all in danger of thinking, 'Someday...'" (3).

Look at the obstacles which those we call great overcame to give action to their passion, their creative impulse. How many other greats are unknown, not for lack of talent, but because they settled down into and hid behind life's circumstances? Maybe you are one of them. Great people refuse to be defined by situational constraints.

Not a single one of us is meant to live a mediocre life. Every one of us has the potential for greatness, for genius in some way or another. And the world needs all it can get. The vast majority never challenge themselves beyond a little circumscribed circle some person or culture or situation has drawn around them.

Are you one of those?

The vast majority live in unsatisfying, unfulfilling mediocrity due to lack of action. There are several key reasons why we often don't take action, and we're going to figure them out. Which statement rings true for you?
1. I don't want to be, but I feel kind of stuck in the "if-only" attitude, simply because I just don't see how it's even possible to make time, space, energy, money or otherwise for anything else in my life.

2. I'm frustrated, unfulfilled but I'm busy with daily life and I don't even know what I would do if I had the time. Hobbies? Interests? Did I ever have any of those?

3. I know what I want to do - it's been bugging me for years now - and I know I could make it happen, somehow, but... I just don't. I'm scared or lazy or uncertain or something, but I just can't seem to build up enough momentum or even desire.

4. I'm doing what I've always wanted to do, living the dream you could say, but really? I'm disappointed and afraid to admit it. If this is "my thing" and I'm not excited about it, what else is there?

It's time you blew away that smoke screen and figured out how to get back to the you that is excited about life. You don't even need a pretty journal (but you can go buy one if you want to).

1. Schaeffer, Edith. The Hidden Art of Homemaking. Page 25, 33.
2. Schaeffer, Edith. Page 33.
3. Schaeffer, Edith. Page 33.

Here Without You, Baby

Tonight I'm sitting in bed alone. Joe is hundreds of miles away. He's in New Mexico. I'm in Tennessee. It's Valentine's Day, and I'm writing an article on marriage and waiting for him to call me to say good night.

Life never reaches perfection.

As I watch people trying to figure it out, I just wish I could make things simple. The thing is, things are simple but that simplicity doesn't make them any less difficult. In fact, we often hide behind complexity.

When things get simple, that's when we have to face the facts about who we are and what our problems might mean about us.

My Dad was here this weekend, too. He and my Mom were married for over 30 years, until my Mom's death in 2007. He's now happily married for a second time. I told him I was writing a series about marriage and he offered to share his marriage advice. One thing I have learned: never turn down a chance to hear my Dad's advice.

Dad's Marriage Tips

• Die to self.
• Never let the sun go down on your wrath.
• Return evil with good.
• Remember that marriage is a covenant and that every day you choose to walk in it or break it. That covenant is to love, honor, and cherish your spouse.
• Always respect your spouse as much or more than you respect your friends and fellow workers. Never take that relationship for granted.
• Husbands – cherish your wives and treat them as the more delicate vessel so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Simple. Profound. If I could just get that first one right, I wouldn't need to think about how to build a better marriage ever again. I'd have it made.

It's that first word that gets me: “die.”

Bonus Points

Dad called me on his drive home and we talked a little more about marriage. We came up with two more points:

• Let go of the expectations you hold. They get you in trouble. (We've talked about that a bit already.)
• Be transparent.

Transparency is difficult. It's hard for us women to ask for help, to say, “I can't,” to say, “I need.” We push ourselves too hard sometimes. We need to say, “I am struggling right now,” or “I am tired,” or “You hurt my feelings,” or “Please help me.”

It's okay for us not to reach perfection, either.

It's okay, because not only are we learning how to accept, we are also learning how to be accepted. Imperfect. Flawed. Weak. Vulnerable.

Still worth loving. Still beautiful.

5-Minute Marriage Check

When you think about yourself, do you feel positive or negative? Do you feel hopeful or resigned?

Never give up on yourself.

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:6

You can accept yourself – imperfections and all – and you can still hope to keep growing and getting better because (this is important, listen!) the growth does not depend on you.

Who is perfecting the good work in you?

Who began it?

God did. God is.

For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.

Philippians 2:13

5-Minute Action Point

All that you have read in the last 16 days has been challenging. Much of it has been convicting, a big finger pointing at you and saying, “Change! Change now!”

We need challenges. We need conviction.

We also need to be reminded of the challenges we've already faced, the convictions we've already been living up to.

Today, make another list: five ways, areas, or things in which you have conquered, overcome, done the right thing, become a better person, stuck to your beliefs, loved, died to self.

Maybe it's cooking your husband's favorite meal when you really wanted to call for a pizza.

Maybe it's teaching your daughter about modesty, or your son how to tie his shoes.

Maybe it's making it through the early days of motherhood, when fatigue and hormones and post-partum made you feel like nothing would be good again.

Maybe it's finishing your education, or just finishing that book.

Maybe it's keeping the house clean, or maybe it's putting aside the chores to snuggle a baby, read to a child, take a nap and some time for yourself.

You are already being perfected, day unto day. Take a moment in this day to see the work that is going on in your heart and life. See the progress. You are closer than you were yesterday.

The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day.

Proverbs 4:18

Image courtesy of markus_76.

This post is linked up with the 30-Minute Blogging Challenge at Steady Mom. (I wrote it in 30, but it took me a few more to get it posted!)

---------------------------

This post is {day 16} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

---------------------------

We have made it through week 1.

So - what did we learn? Did we learn anything? I learned this very important truth: as soon as I start a focused writing project about marriage, I do the MOST STUPID stupid-wife stuff possible. Like whine, and nag, and give the silent treatment, and get mad at nothing, and take offense over things I know he didn't mean that way, and not make time, and not pay attention, and get distracted, and upset, and say things like, "Hi honey welcome home i hope you have a good day i haven't made dinner because i'm too busy writing this marriage stuff and i don't have time to talk right now the kids are screaming could you get them thanks love you okay don't talk to me i'm in the middle of a sentence bye."

Beautiful. Obviously I've got this marriage thing down pat.

Let's Review

• We don't mean to end up hurt, apathetic, lonely, or separated in our marriages... but it happens when we don't pay attention.
• We don't have to settle for a marriage that is mediocre.  {from Day 1}
• Expectations are deadly little beasts.
• A demanding spirit can never be content. {from Day 2}
• Men shouldn't joke about their wives earlobes (or something like that...)
• Start believing the best about your husband, and you'll start getting it. {from Day 3}
• You can only change yourself. {from Day 4}
• Friction isn't always a bad thing.
• I LOVE quality time. {from Day 5}
• People are stupid...
• ...but we still shouldn't try to control them. {from Day 6}
• Normal changes. {from Day 7}

So what's working in your marriage? Have you made any changes? What are you working on?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I'll Get You, My Pretty!

What's so hard about taking what you get and liking it? Everything. Nobody is perfect, we know that; problem is, we like perfect, crave it, want it, wish it were reality. We've hit the conclusion that we're not reaching perfection ourselves, so we might as well start working on somebody else. Somebody else like our husbands. Maybe we'll have more success with them.

Yeah, right.

Solving Other People's Problems

We try to fix others as a means of avoiding the changes we need to make in ourselves. Not that we don't know we need to change; just that we prefer not to deal with it. Instead we find another victim and focus on his faults instead. It's so much more fun.

This habit, however, leaves us with absolutely no progress made. We can't control other people, not even with all our amazing manipulation skills. But we spend so much energy trying that we have no will or desire left to work on ourselves. So everything stays the same, except that it gets worse.

The Opposite of Acceptance

But we still try, don't we? And the whole time, we keep waving the perfection flag at ourselves as well. That way we can resent our husband's faults and imperfections while we simultaneously deal with the continual guilt and self-imposed pressure of never living up to our own expectations. Our mental catalogs fill with pages full of criticism, disapproval, worry, and fear.

How is any marriage going to survive this?

How To Start Accepting

It's time to clean house and get a few things in order inwardly. Here's your straight-up, tell-it-like-it-is (read: this is going to hurt) guide to becoming a wife who accepts and enjoys her husband.

• Realize that you can change yourself and yourself only. What you don't like about yourself can be transformed, or you can learn to accept what is unchangeable about you. This is possible. You are the only person you are in charge of changing.
• Realize that we're all standing on level ground. Yeah, I know you've been marching to the Equality Tune for a while now, but you haven't really understood what it means. Equality means, yes, that no one else is inherently better than you; it also means you are not inherently better than anyone else. Not even your spouse.

• Realize that we're working with a world of imperfection and preference. Imperfection means that you will never, ever find someone who does what you want, when you want, as you want, all the time. (Would that really be perfection, anyway?) Preference means that a lot of stuff - stuff you like to fight over - really isn't a matter of right or wrong. It's a matter of opinion, priority, taste, timing, preference. The universe will not shift on its axis one way or the other.

• Realize that sometimes you have to pretend you don't have any rights. Oooh. You don't like that one, do you? The problem with rights, though, is that everybody has 'em. That means that at some point, your right to do what you want and his right to do what he wants will be in, er, what do we call that? Conflict. Big, bad, ugly conflict that only ends when somebody wins and somebody else loses, on the terms that the winner's rights matter and the loser's do not. You can choose to either fight it out until you win, or give up, feel like a loser, and resent it. Those were your only choices in the past.

• Realize that you have another option; you can choose to willingly lay down your rights and treat your husband as more important. You can do that without being threatened now, because you know we're all on level ground. And you can let him have his preference over yours (even if his is stupid) because you know the universe will keep on going anyway.

What Acceptance Looks Like

Once you've made some inward adjustments, you can start changing your outward habits. It's difficult to change what might have become second nature, but you can do it. Heck, honey, if you can spend years of your life in a futile but never-ending attempt to control and change other people, you can drop a few bad habits.

It's great to be able to smile and accept who a person is (even yourself) without a nagging need to fix. It creates room in your mind for interesting ideas, and space in your life for goals you want to reach, and energy in your being to go after them.

5-Minute Marriage Check

None of this acceptance stuff sounds fun, but you're going to have to try it (more than once) and see.

There's something that you learn if you stick to this accepting long enough: it's nice to let it go. It's nice to be free. It's nice to be free from controlling, criticizing, worrying, and instructing. It's nice to just roll with whatever happens.

Acceptance is the key to a truly liberated, joy-filled life.

What is difficult for you to accept in your husband? List ten quirks, habits, behaviors, failures, etc. that you find yourself resenting or trying to change.

Ask yourself this question: if your husband doesn't change any of the things on that list, would you still love him? So start today. Choose to accept your husband as he is – with all those ten irritating things in place – and love him anyway.

Quit trying to fix him so you can love him more and just love him more anyway.

5-Minute Action Point

Sometimes acceptance is the most difficult thing you've ever done. These four steps are the key to keeping yourself on track.

Identify Your Job

Know what you need to take care of and what you need to leave alone. Ask yourself, “Is this my job? Am I responsible for this?” Make a list. Think about it. Ask your husband, if you're not sure.

Get Busy

Do your job and leave the rest alone. I'm not saying you can't help out; you can. But while you're all new and fresh at this acceptance thing, or whenever it is a struggle, it's going to be hard to help without taking over. So back off. Take up knitting. Read a novel. Put together a scrapbook. Do your nails. Take a nap.

Quiet Down

Don't instruct. Don't complain. Don't nag. Don't critique. Don't whine. Don't mention it, whatever it is. Smile and shut up, sister. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Pretty soon you'll be enjoying the beautiful, blessed quiet that you have created. You'll have a secret little smile on your face. No one will know why but you. Enjoy.

Let It Go

When you feel your shoulders starting to tense up, your teeth starting to grind, your eye starting to twitch, take a step away. Whatever is happening may not be what you want; that's okay. It may not be ideal; that's okay. It may be stupid; that's okay. It may be painful; that's okay. It may be the stupidest, most painful, least ideal thing-that-you-do-not-want ever; that's okay. Take a deep breath, release, and let it go.

Enjoy the beautiful, blessed quiet in your own spirit. It's a nice change, isn't it?

---------------------------

This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

---------------------------

Always assume that your husband has the best possible motives.

Let's Break That Down

Most of the time, conflict in marriage is a matter of two people who love each other assuming that they really don't love each other.

In our case, we women jump to conclusions about what our husband is trying to do. We analyze his remarks, his timing, his clothing choices, his decisions, his forgetfulness, his every little move. And we tend to assume the worst. Here's an example.

Scenario 1: How Rude

It starts with a simple thing, usually some sort of unmet expectation or careless word. Husband makes joke about wife's earlobes, he thinks it is funny, wife thinks it is rude, wife gets feelings hurt...

Wife thinks: I can't believe he said that! How juvenile! He is so rude and insensitive! He must know how I feel about jokes like that! He knows I'm sensitive about my ear lobes. I can't believe he would say that! He's just trying to hurt my feelings. He is being so mean!

Husband thinks: Wow, I guess she didn't like my joke. Wonder what's for dinner?

Wife thinks: And now he's IGNORING the fact that my feelings are hurt! How could he? Why can't we just talk about this like normal people? Is he even going to apologize? What is trying to do, make me cry?

Husband thinks: Uh-oh, she looks really upset. I guess it's that joke, because I can't think of anything else... Wonder why that made her mad? I wonder if I should apologize now or just let her settle down for a minute. I don't want to make her cry and ruin our night with a big scene. It was just a little joke! It didn't mean anything! I was just trying to make her laugh after a long day! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT DID I MISS?

Wife thinks: And after the day I've had, which he knows all about, I can't believe he would make a stupid, mean, rude, awful joke like that just to tick me off and then just let me sit here, all alone, and he must know how hurt I am and he's just totally ignoring it, he doesn't even care, he probably doesn't even want to be here, he probably said that just to get back at me because I told him I wanted to have some family time tonight and instead of having a pleasant conversation he has to come in here with that stupid remark and ruin everything and now he's just sitting there. Why did I even bother making dinner?

Husband thinks: Wow, I was really looking forward to a quiet night at home, just us and the kids, a little dinner and a movie, relaxing... not this. Looks like it's going to be a big one. Guess I better go apologize now, because I think the damage is already done and there ain't no undoing. Oh God, please don't let her cry, don't let her start crying...

It could have been oh, so different.

Love believes the best. One of two things will happen when you start believing the best: 1) you'll be right, and you'll avoid a conflict over something that wasn't there anyway by seeing what really is there or 2) you'll be wrong, your husband really did have stinky motives, but by believing the best about him and acting accordingly, you'll make him want to be better without creating conflict over it.

When we know the person we love believes the best about us, we start wanting to live up to it. Conversely, when we know that they expect the worst from us, we tend to let ourselves slide lower and lower. Start believing the best about your husband, and you'll start getting it.

Scenario 2: How Funny

Husband makes joke about wife's earlobes, husband thinks it is funny, wife thinks it is rude, wife is about to get feelings hurt when...

Wife thinks: I can't believe he said that! How juvenile! He is so rude and insensitive.... oh wait. No, he's not. He's never rude on purpose. He loves me. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings. He knows I had a long day, I'm worn out, and the kids were misbehaving. He must have made that joke just to try to cheer me up. He probably forgot that I'm actually really sensitive about my ear lobes. I can remind him. No big deal. And it was a pretty funny joke, after all.

Wife says: Honey, you're so funny. Thanks for cheering me up. By the way, I think your joke is funny, but I am really kind of sensitive about...

Husband interrupts: Your earlobes? Oh my goodness, I forgot, you're right, I'm so sorry! I was just trying to help you forget about your stressful day. I'm so sorry, baby. I love your cute little earlobes...

Fade out.

Better, don't you think?

5-Minute Marriage Check

If you have a tendency to believe the worst about your husband, it often comes from an even deeper tendency to believe the worst about yourself.

You think, "He doesn't really love me"; you mean, "I don't really think I'm worth loving."

You think, "He doesn't even like me"; you mean, "I can't figure out what there is to like about me."

You think, "He doesn't want to spend time with me"; you mean, "I feel like such a drag."

You think, "He is so insensitive"; you mean, "I'm way too sensitive but I don't know how to stop."

Find a time and space to be alone for five minutes (lock yourself in the car!) and read these statements out loud.

1. I am a child of God and I have been made worthy of His love.

2. I am a child of God and He likes me enough to count the hairs on my head.

3. I am a child of God and He died just to spend time, all of time, with me.

4. I am a child of God and He is sensitive enough to capture my every tear in a bottle.

5. I am a child of God and He believes the best about me.

Did you catch that?

God believes the best about you.

5-Minute Action Point

Memorize this verse:

“This is my beloved, and this is my friend.”

{Song of Solomon 5:16}

Walk around today with that verse in your heart for your husband. Say it when you look at his photo, talk to him on the phone, fold his laundry, make his dinner, train his children. Say it every time you think about him.

You are reminding yourself of your husband's true heart for you: he is your beloved, and you are his beloved. He is your friend, and you are his friend.

This is the truth of marriage that we often forget. If you will remember, you will automatically begin to assume the best motives in your husband: the motives of a true beloved and a best friend.

I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.

---------------------------

This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

---------------------------

Lie #1: I deserve something more than I'm getting.

It Goes Like This

You know that your man gets off work at 5, so you assume he will wrap up his work quickly, jump in the car and be on his way home by 5:15. You expect, then, that he will be walking in the door shortly thereafter.

At 5:30 you start watching the clock. At 5:45 you start pacing and watching the clock. At 6:00 you send a loving text message, along the lines of "Where ARE you???" At 6:15 he walks in the door; you are past seething and well into boiling stage. Welcome to an evening of quality time and togetherness.

Where the Trouble Starts

The trouble started with your initial assumption and got worse when that became an expectation, concrete and obvious to you but not even communicated to him.

How many times do we have these unspoken expectations, based on these unquestioned assumptions, and how many times do we let them create anger and offense in our hearts, conflict in our homes?

Our Assumptions

* You assume he will handle all the icky jobs around the house, because your Dad always did; so you expect him to take out the trash. You don't get it when he doesn't; he doesn't get why it's such a big deal, and how did that get to be his job anyway?

* You assume that he should spent time quality time with the kids every night, because that's what a Christian dad should do; so you expect him to walk in, drop to the floor, and spend an hour entertaining and interacting with the children. You think he's being a bad father when he doesn't; he can't figure out why you seem so irritated every night - he hasn't even been home long enough to do anything, so what's the problem?

The Expectation List

You have one for your husband, you have one for yourself and you feel guilty when you don't live up to it. You know and understand the contents of your list, but to your husband it is probably a document vying with White House legal memorandums in length, specificity, and total lack of intelligibility.

When is the list ever completely fulfilled? The list, you see, changes, grows, morphs with each action or non-action. There is no end. It is, like the grave and the fire, never satisfied.

Those Deadly Little Beasts

Everyone has expectations, and we've grown so accustomed to them that we overlook their affect. They are deadly little beasts, sucking the life and joy out of every relationship into which they creep. They remove our ability to be surprised, delighted, and content.

Contentment receives what comes - what happens - what others do or say - with an attitude of humility and disregard for self. Contentment does not mean "not wanting." It is not the absence of any desire. Contentment means, no matter what the desire, there is an attitude of acceptance. I will take what is given, even if it is not what I desired.

Submit to My Superior Plans, You Fool!

Expectations are based on pride. I know what should happen. My way is the best. My plan is better. You should do what I want.

When people fail to meet our expectations, we get angry because they have not recognized and submitted to our superior plans for them. Obviously if they really understood the situation... if they really got it... they would see things our way. Right?

5-Minute Marriage Check

What is a continual source of irritation or conflict in your marriage? Write down the top 3 things.

Now take a minute to think about the expectations underlying these conflicts. What are you assuming? What are you expecting?

Conflict often comes when we expect something from our husbands but we have either failed to communicate that expectation or he has simply failed to meet it. Sometimes the best way to erase the conflict is to erase the expectation.

It isn't about whether it's a good thing or a bad thing, whether it's reasonable or not. What matters is that an expectation is really a demand of the spirit, and it comes from a heart that is self-serving. That self-serving attitude keeps you from accepting your husband as he is, receiving his love with gratitude, and cultivating contentment in your spirit.

A demanding spirit can never be content.

5-Minute Action Point

Write down three statements that correspond to the areas of conflict you mentioned above. This is your chance to retrain your spirit into gratitude instead of expectation.

1. I will not expect my husband to...

2. I will not expect my husband to...

3. I will not expect my husband to...

You have just set yourself and your husband free from the prison of expectation in those areas. Next time you find yourself entering one of those conflicts, stop and go back to these statements.

Remind yourself that you have given up the right to have this expectation, to make this demand. Now you are free to receive, with joy, what your husband chooses to give.

Doesn't that feel better? (Hey... psst... it might not at first. Stick with it. Freedom is so much more fun.)

Erase the expectations and you erase the conflict.

---------------------------

This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

---------------------------

Best-Laid Plans

I intended to write a light little introductory chapter for our first day. I wanted to be witty and warm and welcome you with a sweet story about my own romance.

But I make the wrong plans often. Sometimes I don't realize it, and I plunge right in just to run in circles until God gets my attention. Today, though, I happened to be sitting still long enough that I heard Him before I plunged in. I turned to my reading for the day and stopped on this verse:

“For if the bugle produces an indistinct sound, who will prepare himself for battle?”

{1 Corinthians 14:8}

Sound the Alarm

And that's when I knew. This first day isn't a cozy coffee chat, because this whole course isn't a feel-good fluffy pat-on-the-back for Christian women. It's a wake-up call, and the first thing to do when you want to wake someone up is sound the alarm.

We don't need a statistic about divorce or a lecture about the homosexual movement to know that Biblical marriages are rare and getting rarer. We do need to put down our political picketing signs and take an honest look at ourselves. What should concern us most is the apathy and hostility that creep into our own hearts and poison our own marriages. Yours. Mine.

Why Does This Matter?

There is nothing more effective in winning the lost, changing the world, and building the kingdom of God than a man and woman side by side, united, strong, set apart, set on fire, ready to reach out to those God brings their way. A man and a woman like that are a warrior-team: they pick each other up, help each other, keep each other strong. They are not easily broken in the front lines of battle; two are stronger than one.

Watch Those Little Foxes

Women, if you are Christian and married, you are in a battle for the state of your marriage every single day. The most effective way to disarm this warrior-team? Not direct attack. It's the little foxes that creep in. It's culture-speak and stereotypes. It's a little offense. A hurt feeling unforgiven. A careless word, and then another. Bad habits. Laziness, busyness, holier-than-thou-ness.

Christian couples don't intend to end up apathetic, hostile, lonely, adulterous, divorced. But when we fail to see the battle we are in, we make a deadly mistake.

Your Home Is Your Battleground

We think we're safe if we keep ourselves “out of the world,” but we fail to see that the world walks right in with us. Our homes, our attitudes, our thoughts, our words, our habits, our actions, our choices, our relationships, schedules, agendas, priorities, daily life: this is where the battle rages.

This is your wake-up call. God has put it on my heart to sound the alarm, to cry out boldly to my sisters, to tell you this one thing: you must prepare yourself for battle and you must fight for your marriage.

The Marriage God Intended

I don't believe any of us have to settle for a marriage that is mediocre. No, you won't get perfection, but you can get a marriage that is joy-filled, passionate, fun, strong, and honest. You can be your husband's best friend. Your days and nights together can be precious, free from strife, and full of a holy purpose that you pursue together.

Marriage on God's terms isn't the usual. It will look funny to people. It might look funny to you. Getting there can be painful. But getting there means you get to wake up in the morning and say, “This is my beloved and this is my friend,” about the man next to you. Getting there means your marriage gets richer and better, not stale and sad. Getting there means your kids grow up hoping they'll have a marriage like you someday.

Are You Willing?

Don't aid and abet the enemy through ignorance any longer. Face the enemy: the enemy of your own flesh, of the world, of lies, of sin, of the devil. Fight the enemy: by being honest, humble, and willing to change. Defeat the enemy: make choices that build up your heart, your husband, and your home.

You are equipped. You are able. Are you willing?

Image courtesy of alancleaver_2000.

---------------------------

This post is Day 1 of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

---------------------------