SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

I'm talking to you women who are going through the motions. You're listless, confused, bored, frustrated, tired all the time. You seek distraction. You depend on your spouse or your kid or your dog to make you feel needed, seen, alive. Unfortunately, your spouse/kid/dog doesn't always get it.

I'm talking to you women out there who have thought of a dozen new businesses, but started none of them. You've dreamed up new products, contemplated marketing ideas, started little projects... and never gone past the dreaming. You've always stuck at the starting line. It wears you down.

I'm talking to you women who feel stretched to the max, pushed and pulled and demanded and needed and wanting to be everything to everyone. But also, inside, you're wanting to scream because you've pushed your own needs down for so long.

I'm talking to you.
Are you listening?

Are you wondering where you went?

Do you look back at photos of yourself and think, "Where did that girl go?" Do you stutter and mumble when people ask you what you've been doing lately? You mutter a boring answer like "oh, the job" or "oh, the house" or "oh, the kids" and then change the subject. Are you excited about anything in your life right now, or are you just tired? Kind of bored. Listless.

I don't buy the boredom excuse.

The world is so full of a number of things... and so are you. You're in there, stuffed way down near the back, crammed into a little wad behind "money worries" and "family obligations" and "taking care of other people" and "trying to get life figured out" and "large chunk of self-doubt I keep banging my shin on." Yep. There you are. I see you. Hi! Go on. Give me a little wave.

We need to get you back out into the light.

Let's talk about something inspiring, something fresh and energizing, something that awakens you... something like house cleaning. Yeah. That's it.

Look, here's the deal: some things aren't a matter of choice or preference but of necessity. House cleaning is a great example. I don't love it. It's not a natural high. It's not my fun activity for the weekend. (Is it yours, because if so, let's work out a deal...). But it has to be done, for a number of reasons, so we do it. Sometimes finding yourself isn't about what you do but about how you do it.
You still have a choice and personal expression in even the lowliest of tasks. There are three ingredients:
1. Attitude
2. How you do what you do.
3. Where you put the attention (yours and everyone else's).

"There is choice involved in the very simplest form of creativity..." says Schaeffer, and then she goes on to say that those "'if-only' feelings can distort our personalities, and give us an obsession which can only lead to more and more dissatisfaction" (1).

Let's take that housecleaning example a little bit further.

I'm not going to start preaching about the atmosphere of the home,

...the sanctity of what you do as a modern homemaker, the benefits for your children... though those issues certainly deserve thought and attention. But let's just look at you. You live in a house. You don't want to live in a dirty place. So you clean. You pick up your clothes, you wipe off a counter, you sweep the floor.

You can either do all those things (for yourself and for the other people living in your home) with a grudging, bitter, woe-is-me attitude that can't wait to be getting to the important stuff in life or you can find a way to make the necessary duties less drudge, more lively. Schaeffer refers to this as "bringing the artistic into life" (2).

I'm not saying you have to don a lacy apron and make sweet love to the vacuum cleaner.

I'm saying get creative, even on the things that are daily ho-hums.

Like this: get your organizational powers to work and make up a cleaning schedule that is the most efficient thing anyone's ever heard of. Figure out how to get your house sparkly in ten minutes a day. Or this: make your own aromatic, natural cleaning potions, if that's what toots your horn. Use them to clean your own home, wow your friends with the non-toxic goodness, and start up a side business... Or this: Put on some loud, fast, fun music, your old grubby clothes, give all the kids a dust rag, and party like it's 1999 while you clean. Or this: wear your Bluetooth and chat up your old friends while you wash dishes, wash windows, wash clothes. Or this: carry a trash bag and challenge yourself to declutter each space as you clean, week-by-week creating the simple, minimalist space you crave.

Why are we talking about housecleaning in a series that is supposed to be about rediscovering the you that got buried under all those cleaning supplies?

Because you have to start where you are.

I'm guessing that even though you feel like you want to run away from home some days, you have a commitment to staying. You love your husband. You love your children. You're not going to run away, which means that you need to rediscover yourself in that home you have to clean, while you're with those kids you need to care for, when you're spending time with that husband who loves you, too.
If transforming your life can't happen in the daily grime and grind, then it's not real transformation; it's just redecorating. We don't want that. That's a waste of time.

"We are all in danger of thinking, 'Someday...'" (3).

Look at the obstacles which those we call great overcame to give action to their passion, their creative impulse. How many other greats are unknown, not for lack of talent, but because they settled down into and hid behind life's circumstances? Maybe you are one of them. Great people refuse to be defined by situational constraints.

Not a single one of us is meant to live a mediocre life. Every one of us has the potential for greatness, for genius in some way or another. And the world needs all it can get. The vast majority never challenge themselves beyond a little circumscribed circle some person or culture or situation has drawn around them.

Are you one of those?

The vast majority live in unsatisfying, unfulfilling mediocrity due to lack of action. There are several key reasons why we often don't take action, and we're going to figure them out. Which statement rings true for you?
1. I don't want to be, but I feel kind of stuck in the "if-only" attitude, simply because I just don't see how it's even possible to make time, space, energy, money or otherwise for anything else in my life.

2. I'm frustrated, unfulfilled but I'm busy with daily life and I don't even know what I would do if I had the time. Hobbies? Interests? Did I ever have any of those?

3. I know what I want to do - it's been bugging me for years now - and I know I could make it happen, somehow, but... I just don't. I'm scared or lazy or uncertain or something, but I just can't seem to build up enough momentum or even desire.

4. I'm doing what I've always wanted to do, living the dream you could say, but really? I'm disappointed and afraid to admit it. If this is "my thing" and I'm not excited about it, what else is there?

It's time you blew away that smoke screen and figured out how to get back to the you that is excited about life. You don't even need a pretty journal (but you can go buy one if you want to).

1. Schaeffer, Edith. The Hidden Art of Homemaking. Page 25, 33.
2. Schaeffer, Edith. Page 33.
3. Schaeffer, Edith. Page 33.

It's the simple things that get you.

Here Without You, Baby

Tonight I'm sitting in bed alone. Joe is hundreds of miles away. He's in New Mexico. I'm in Tennessee. It's Valentine's Day, and I'm writing an article on marriage and waiting for him to call me to say good night.

Life never reaches perfection.

As I watch people trying to figure it out, I just wish I could make things simple. The thing is, things are Read the rest of this entry »

We have made it through week 1.

So - what did we learn? Did we learn anything? I learned this very important truth: as soon as I start a focused writing project about marriage, I do the MOST STUPID stupid-wife stuff possible. Like whine, and nag, and give the silent treatment, and get mad at nothing, and take offense over things I know he didn't mean that way, and not make time, and not pay attention, and get distracted, and upset, and say things like, "Hi honey welcome home i hope you have a good day i haven't made dinner because i'm too busy writing this marriage stuff and i don't have time to talk right now the kids are screaming could you get them thanks love you okay don't talk to me i'm in the middle of a sentence bye."

Beautiful. Obviously I've got this marriage thing down pat.

Let's Review

• We don't mean to end up hurt, apathetic, lonely, or separated in our marriages... but it happens when we don't pay attention.
• We don't have to settle for a marriage that is mediocre.  {from Day 1}
• Expectations are deadly little beasts.
• A demanding spirit can never be content. {from Day 2}
• Men shouldn't joke about their wives earlobes (or something like that...)
• Start believing the best about your husband, and you'll start getting it. {from Day 3}
• You can only change yourself. {from Day 4}
• Friction isn't always a bad thing.
• I LOVE quality time. {from Day 5}
• People are stupid...
• ...but we still shouldn't try to control them. {from Day 6}
• Normal changes. {from Day 7}

So what's working in your marriage? Have you made any changes? What are you working on?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I'll Get You, My Pretty!

What's so hard about taking what you get and liking it? Everything. Nobody is perfect, we know that; problem is, we like perfect, crave it, want it, wish it were reality. We've hit the conclusion that we're not reaching perfection ourselves, so we might as well start working on somebody else. Somebody else like our husbands. Maybe we'll have more success with them.

Yeah, right. Read the rest of this entry »

Always assume that your husband has the best possible motives.

Let's Break That Down

Most of the time, conflict in marriage is a matter of two people who love each other assuming that they really don't love each other.

In our case, we women jump to conclusions about what our husband is trying to do. We analyze his remarks, his timing, his clothing choices, his decisions, his forgetfulness, his every little move. And we tend to assume the worst. Here's an example. Read the rest of this entry »

Lie #1: I deserve something more than I'm getting.

It Goes Like This

You know that your man gets off work at 5, so you assume he will wrap up his work quickly, jump in the car and be on his way home by 5:15. You expect, then, that he will be walking in the door shortly thereafter.

At 5:30 you start watching the clock. At 5:45 you start pacing and watching the clock. At 6:00 you send a loving text message, along the lines of "Where ARE you???" At 6:15 he walks in the door; you are past seething and well into boiling stage. Welcome to an evening of quality time and togetherness. Read the rest of this entry »

Best-Laid Plans

I intended to write a light little introductory chapter for our first day. I wanted to be witty and warm and welcome you with a sweet story about my own romance.

But I make the wrong plans often. Sometimes I don't realize it, and I plunge right in just to run in circles until God gets my attention. Today, though, I happened to be sitting still long enough that I heard Him before I plunged in. I turned to my reading for the day and stopped on this verse:

“For if the bugle produces an indistinct sound, who will prepare himself for battle?”

{1 Corinthians 14:8}

Sound the Alarm

And that's when I knew. This first day isn't a cozy coffee chat, because this whole course isn't a feel-good fluffy pat-on-the-back for Christian women. It's a wake-up call, and the first thing to do when you want to wake someone up is sound the alarm.

We don't need a statistic about divorce or a lecture about the homosexual movement to know that Biblical marriages are rare and getting rarer. We do need to put down our political picketing signs and take an honest look at ourselves. What should concern us most is the apathy and hostility that creep into our own hearts and poison our own marriages. Yours. Mine.

Why Does This Matter?

There is nothing more effective in winning the lost, changing the world, and building the kingdom of God than a man and woman side by side, united, strong, set apart, set on fire, ready to reach out to those God brings their way. A man and a woman like that are a warrior-team: they pick each other up, help each other, keep each other strong. They are not easily broken in the front lines of battle; two are stronger than one.

Watch Those Little Foxes

Women, if you are Christian and married, you are in a battle for the state of your marriage every single day. The most effective way to disarm this warrior-team? Not direct attack. It's the little foxes that creep in. It's culture-speak and stereotypes. It's a little offense. A hurt feeling unforgiven. A careless word, and then another. Bad habits. Laziness, busyness, holier-than-thou-ness.

Christian couples don't intend to end up apathetic, hostile, lonely, adulterous, divorced. But when we fail to see the battle we are in, we make a deadly mistake.

Your Home Is Your Battleground

We think we're safe if we keep ourselves “out of the world,” but we fail to see that the world walks right in with us. Our homes, our attitudes, our thoughts, our words, our habits, our actions, our choices, our relationships, schedules, agendas, priorities, daily life: this is where the battle rages.

This is your wake-up call. God has put it on my heart to sound the alarm, to cry out boldly to my sisters, to tell you this one thing: you must prepare yourself for battle and you must fight for your marriage.

The Marriage God Intended

I don't believe any of us have to settle for a marriage that is mediocre. No, you won't get perfection, but you can get a marriage that is joy-filled, passionate, fun, strong, and honest. You can be your husband's best friend. Your days and nights together can be precious, free from strife, and full of a holy purpose that you pursue together.

Marriage on God's terms isn't the usual. It will look funny to people. It might look funny to you. Getting there can be painful. But getting there means you get to wake up in the morning and say, “This is my beloved and this is my friend,” about the man next to you. Getting there means your marriage gets richer and better, not stale and sad. Getting there means your kids grow up hoping they'll have a marriage like you someday.

Are You Willing?

Don't aid and abet the enemy through ignorance any longer. Face the enemy: the enemy of your own flesh, of the world, of lies, of sin, of the devil. Fight the enemy: by being honest, humble, and willing to change. Defeat the enemy: make choices that build up your heart, your husband, and your home.

You are equipped. You are able. Are you willing?

Image courtesy of alancleaver_2000.

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This post is Day 1 of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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...I am initiating a challenge and hoping you'll join me.

It's the Build a Better Marriage challenge.

In a nutshell:

• a post every day for the next 30 days focusing on how we can build better marriages
• a 5-minute marriage check & 5-minute action point at the end of each post
• a once-weekly "round-up" to comment/discuss what we've learned - this is totally optional. The last thing I want to do is add MORE to our already packed schedules. If you want to participate in the round-up, you are welcome, but please don't compromise on family time or responsibilities for it.
• That's it!
• Click the link above for more details and/or to sign up with our friendly mr linky.
• Pssst. You don't even really have to sign up, it just makes me feel good. If you want to just read along, please feel free. The point isn't me feeling good but us all being encouraged to be happy joyful peaceful wives and have blissful fun strong marriages and honor our God!
• Okay I'm done talking now. I just like bullet points and it's hard for me to quit... Seriously. Stopping now.

I tend toward what is easy. Discipline, pain, sacrifice? I shudder at the thought. Yesterday the sermon was on being spirit-led. Sounds nice, but it was uncomfortable: controlling your appetite, saying no to what you want, realizing that the urge toward what is easy, comfortable, and instantly gratifying is probably the opposite of what spirit-led means.

Everything worthwhile that I have done has required discipline, pain, and sacrifice. Think about pregnancy and birth. Even getting married, candy-coated as that time was, required change, which is always difficult, and leaving behind the old life to begin a new one. Read the rest of this entry »