SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

It's the simple things that get you.

Here Without You, Baby

Tonight I'm sitting in bed alone. Joe is hundreds of miles away. He's in New Mexico. I'm in Tennessee. It's Valentine's Day, and I'm writing an article on marriage and waiting for him to call me to say good night.

Life never reaches perfection.

As I watch people trying to figure it out, I just wish I could make things simple. The thing is, things are Read the rest of this entry »

We have made it through week 1.

So - what did we learn? Did we learn anything? I learned this very important truth: as soon as I start a focused writing project about marriage, I do the MOST STUPID stupid-wife stuff possible. Like whine, and nag, and give the silent treatment, and get mad at nothing, and take offense over things I know he didn't mean that way, and not make time, and not pay attention, and get distracted, and upset, and say things like, "Hi honey welcome home i hope you have a good day i haven't made dinner because i'm too busy writing this marriage stuff and i don't have time to talk right now the kids are screaming could you get them thanks love you okay don't talk to me i'm in the middle of a sentence bye."

Beautiful. Obviously I've got this marriage thing down pat.

Let's Review

• We don't mean to end up hurt, apathetic, lonely, or separated in our marriages... but it happens when we don't pay attention.
• We don't have to settle for a marriage that is mediocre.  {from Day 1}
• Expectations are deadly little beasts.
• A demanding spirit can never be content. {from Day 2}
• Men shouldn't joke about their wives earlobes (or something like that...)
• Start believing the best about your husband, and you'll start getting it. {from Day 3}
• You can only change yourself. {from Day 4}
• Friction isn't always a bad thing.
• I LOVE quality time. {from Day 5}
• People are stupid...
• ...but we still shouldn't try to control them. {from Day 6}
• Normal changes. {from Day 7}

So what's working in your marriage? Have you made any changes? What are you working on?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I'll Get You, My Pretty!

What's so hard about taking what you get and liking it? Everything. Nobody is perfect, we know that; problem is, we like perfect, crave it, want it, wish it were reality. We've hit the conclusion that we're not reaching perfection ourselves, so we might as well start working on somebody else. Somebody else like our husbands. Maybe we'll have more success with them.

Yeah, right. Read the rest of this entry »

Always assume that your husband has the best possible motives.

Let's Break That Down

Most of the time, conflict in marriage is a matter of two people who love each other assuming that they really don't love each other.

In our case, we women jump to conclusions about what our husband is trying to do. We analyze his remarks, his timing, his clothing choices, his decisions, his forgetfulness, his every little move. And we tend to assume the worst. Here's an example. Read the rest of this entry »

Lie #1: I deserve something more than I'm getting.

It Goes Like This

You know that your man gets off work at 5, so you assume he will wrap up his work quickly, jump in the car and be on his way home by 5:15. You expect, then, that he will be walking in the door shortly thereafter.

At 5:30 you start watching the clock. At 5:45 you start pacing and watching the clock. At 6:00 you send a loving text message, along the lines of "Where ARE you???" At 6:15 he walks in the door; you are past seething and well into boiling stage. Welcome to an evening of quality time and togetherness. Read the rest of this entry »

Best-Laid Plans

I intended to write a light little introductory chapter for our first day. I wanted to be witty and warm and welcome you with a sweet story about my own romance.

But I make the wrong plans often. Sometimes I don't realize it, and I plunge right in just to run in circles until God gets my attention. Today, though, I happened to be sitting still long enough that I heard Him before I plunged in. I turned to my reading for the day and stopped on this verse:

“For if the bugle produces an indistinct sound, who will prepare himself for battle?”

{1 Corinthians 14:8}

Sound the Alarm

And that's when I knew. This first day isn't a cozy coffee chat, because this whole course isn't a feel-good fluffy pat-on-the-back for Christian women. It's a wake-up call, and the first thing to do when you want to wake someone up is sound the alarm.

We don't need a statistic about divorce or a lecture about the homosexual movement to know that Biblical marriages are rare and getting rarer. We do need to put down our political picketing signs and take an honest look at ourselves. What should concern us most is the apathy and hostility that creep into our own hearts and poison our own marriages. Yours. Mine.

Why Does This Matter?

There is nothing more effective in winning the lost, changing the world, and building the kingdom of God than a man and woman side by side, united, strong, set apart, set on fire, ready to reach out to those God brings their way. A man and a woman like that are a warrior-team: they pick each other up, help each other, keep each other strong. They are not easily broken in the front lines of battle; two are stronger than one.

Watch Those Little Foxes

Women, if you are Christian and married, you are in a battle for the state of your marriage every single day. The most effective way to disarm this warrior-team? Not direct attack. It's the little foxes that creep in. It's culture-speak and stereotypes. It's a little offense. A hurt feeling unforgiven. A careless word, and then another. Bad habits. Laziness, busyness, holier-than-thou-ness.

Christian couples don't intend to end up apathetic, hostile, lonely, adulterous, divorced. But when we fail to see the battle we are in, we make a deadly mistake.

Your Home Is Your Battleground

We think we're safe if we keep ourselves “out of the world,” but we fail to see that the world walks right in with us. Our homes, our attitudes, our thoughts, our words, our habits, our actions, our choices, our relationships, schedules, agendas, priorities, daily life: this is where the battle rages.

This is your wake-up call. God has put it on my heart to sound the alarm, to cry out boldly to my sisters, to tell you this one thing: you must prepare yourself for battle and you must fight for your marriage.

The Marriage God Intended

I don't believe any of us have to settle for a marriage that is mediocre. No, you won't get perfection, but you can get a marriage that is joy-filled, passionate, fun, strong, and honest. You can be your husband's best friend. Your days and nights together can be precious, free from strife, and full of a holy purpose that you pursue together.

Marriage on God's terms isn't the usual. It will look funny to people. It might look funny to you. Getting there can be painful. But getting there means you get to wake up in the morning and say, “This is my beloved and this is my friend,” about the man next to you. Getting there means your marriage gets richer and better, not stale and sad. Getting there means your kids grow up hoping they'll have a marriage like you someday.

Are You Willing?

Don't aid and abet the enemy through ignorance any longer. Face the enemy: the enemy of your own flesh, of the world, of lies, of sin, of the devil. Fight the enemy: by being honest, humble, and willing to change. Defeat the enemy: make choices that build up your heart, your husband, and your home.

You are equipped. You are able. Are you willing?

Image courtesy of alancleaver_2000.

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This post is Day 1 of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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...I am initiating a challenge and hoping you'll join me.

It's the Build a Better Marriage challenge.

In a nutshell:

• a post every day for the next 30 days focusing on how we can build better marriages
• a 5-minute marriage check & 5-minute action point at the end of each post
• a once-weekly "round-up" to comment/discuss what we've learned - this is totally optional. The last thing I want to do is add MORE to our already packed schedules. If you want to participate in the round-up, you are welcome, but please don't compromise on family time or responsibilities for it.
• That's it!
• Click the link above for more details and/or to sign up with our friendly mr linky.
• Pssst. You don't even really have to sign up, it just makes me feel good. If you want to just read along, please feel free. The point isn't me feeling good but us all being encouraged to be happy joyful peaceful wives and have blissful fun strong marriages and honor our God!
• Okay I'm done talking now. I just like bullet points and it's hard for me to quit... Seriously. Stopping now.

I tend toward what is easy. Discipline, pain, sacrifice? I shudder at the thought. Yesterday the sermon was on being spirit-led. Sounds nice, but it was uncomfortable: controlling your appetite, saying no to what you want, realizing that the urge toward what is easy, comfortable, and instantly gratifying is probably the opposite of what spirit-led means.

Everything worthwhile that I have done has required discipline, pain, and sacrifice. Think about pregnancy and birth. Even getting married, candy-coated as that time was, required change, which is always difficult, and leaving behind the old life to begin a new one. Read the rest of this entry »