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Better Marriage: How to Get a Wise Husband 4

Filed under build a better marriage series, the man
Written by Annie on 21st May -10

If there were one thing and one thing only I could tell every newbie wife it would be this. Now I’m only speaking from almost-six years of marriage experience. Maybe my one piece of advice will be totally different when it’s ten or twenty years. Probably, because last week I know my one piece of advice was to accept him as he is. (How’s that for a wallop of advice?) But this week it’s different. This week I’ve got it. This is the important one.

Trust him.

Trust him like you trusted your Daddy (if you had a good one) or like you wished you could (if you had a bad one).
Trust him to care, trust him to listen, trust him to love you, trust him to need you, trust him to romance you, and most of all trust him to make decisions.

Trust him, because when you do, you set up the best possible pattern for your marriage. You set up this pattern: This marriage has to have a leader. You are the leader. I trust you to be a good leader. I trust you to think things through. I trust you to do your best. I trust you to have good intentions. I trust you so I don’t have to worry about it.

Perfect Is Not Part of the Equation

Now, of course, he will mess up. He will make silly decisions, spend money on stupid things, rush into things or wait too long and miss opportunities. That doesn’t matter. There are very few messes he can make by a bad decision here or there that are as far-reaching and serious as the one you can make by refusing to trust him.

Let me say that again:
It’s more important that you trust him than that you have perfect finances in perfect order, the best car for the best value, the best house in the best school district, the ideal job, the better salary, the church that really fits you, the friends who really get you.

Why? Well, you plan on staying married, right? You signed up for life? Your marriage, God-willing and the creek don’t rise, will outlast financial problems, debt, broken cars, leaky houses, screaming babies, pooping pets, ugly furniture, a wardrobe of fat clothes, several years of bad hair days, in-grown churches, mooching friends.

That other stuff is circumstantial, situational, here today and a sweet or sour memory tomorrow. But while that stuff fades, you’ll still be waking up next to him. Him, the guy you married, the guy who probably didn’t know much when you married him, the guy who is learning about life with you. He knew enough to marry you. He’ll figure the rest out.

When Things Don’t Look Good

Trust him so he can. Trust that he has good intentions. Trust that God will protect you and provide for you. Trust that you are strong enough and wise enough to choose what matters and handle the storm that might arise because of your choices. And there will be a storm, probably many. There will be storms of condemnation and criticism (Why didn’t you stop him? Don’t you two know any better?); there will be storms of fear and worry (What will happen to us?); there will be storms of guilt (I should have told him not to do that…); there will be storms of hopelessness (Will he ever change? Will he ever get it? Will we ever get out of this situation? Will things ever get better?).

A storm is violent and furious and over in a few moments. Hold on, hunker down, and outlast it. You’re woman enough for that.

The more you trust him, the more he becomes worthy of your trust.

Do you want a wise husband?

One who thinks about the future, who has a vision for your family, who guards your heart, who provides for your needs, who acts on truth? Then trust the husband you have.
Trust him as if he is wise and watch as he becomes wise.

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This post is linked up with Fimby’s (brand-new!) Friday’s Flowers.

Images

1. Bouquet of wildflowers that look like daisies – mine.

2. Have white doves follow you courtesy of H.KoppDelaney on Flickr.

3. Hold his glowing hand courtesy of D. Sharon Pruitt (Pink Sherbet Photography) on Flickr.

Better Marriage: Fighting The Big Toddler Syndrome 2

Filed under build a better marriage series, the man
Written by Annie on 7th May -10

It’s not a good thing.

Men like to be taken care of. It’s relaxing and easy for them to become apathetic. It’s easier to let somebody else be in charge of those irritating little daily parts of life. The medium-sized parts of life. And while you’re at it, go ahead and take care of the big stuff, too.

The Big Toddler Syndrome

Here’s an example. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

“Sometimes I feel like Boseephus gets home from work and instead of my best friend – an ADULT – it’s more questions (where is this, where is that, what did you do here, what is going on there, have you done this, can you help with that, etc.) and more needs and more messes. And I just want to scream. I have been a Mommy all day long. The last thing I need is someone else to take care of.”

Does anybody have any idea what this lady is talking about? Ever been there? Felt that way?

Here you are, trying to be a good wife, trying to have a better marriage, a Biblical marriage, trying to help out and keep being in love… And this. This is not helping. This is not what you need. Where did your husband, that strong, capable man, go? Why did he disappear? And where did this adult-sized, toddler-brained look alike come from? And how do you fix it?

And how do you fix it? You?You aren’t the one who needs to fix it, that’s how.

Step away from the grown-up toddler.

How It All Starts

Men want their wives to be happy, so they sacrifice their own desires for their wives.
“Most women do not understand how much it pleases a man to please a woman, specifically how important it is to the man in her life to please her. Furthermore, a man does not simply want to please her — he lives to please her” (1).

They start asking instead of telling, getting the wife’s opinion instead of just making the decision, asking about our preferences instead of just doing things their way. That’s very nice and sacrificial and loving of them. Unfortunately… something gets lost in translation. We take in all the checking and asking as uncertainty (at best) or cluelessness (at worst).

The wife thinks, first, something like, “Wow, he really needs me, isn’t that sweet?” Then she thinks something like, “Wow, I have to babysit him.” Eventually it becomes a simple habit: “I have to tell my husband how to do everything.”

Meanwhile, the husband is thinking, I wouldn’t do it that way but because she requested it, or because I know she prefers it, or because I think it will make her happy… I’ll do it for her. So the husband lets her be in charge to accomodate her. The wife assumes that if she doesn’t take charge then he just won’t do anything. Soon he starts to resent the way she bosses him around. Soon she starts to resent the way he’s totally passive.

How It All Gets Worse

She may not have meant to, but little wifey took advantage of her husband’s willingness to let her make the choices and have her own preferences. A heart to help becomes twisted. It’s easier for the guy to let the woman take over; then he becomes apathetic in the areas in which she takes over, and then she takes over all the other areas. It quickly spreads.

That’s why the laid-back husband might start establishing these “hidden” areas, addictive hobbies, an obsession with sports, hours in front of the screen, etc. It’s just to establish something in his own life over which his woman cannot establish/maintain control… That’s why he gets so defensive about it, too, when the woman questions: Why do you spend so much time on the golf course/watching football/on the computer? The man is thinking, This is the LAST and ONLY thing which I have kept for myself, which I haven’t changed or given up in order to please you. Would you just leave it alone!

How It All Needs to Stop

Somebody needs to step back and create some space here. We wives often won’t get out of the way long enough to give them room to lead. We get so used to being consulted, accommodated, in charge, that we make it nearly impossible for our husbands to do things without “checking” first. We don’t want to be in charge, really, but they don’t know how to take charge again without offending us.

My recommendation for the wife of Boseephus – or the wife of any man who has reverted to toddler-like behavior - is this:

  • Get busy with your own responsibilities, hobbies, and stuff so you’re not just sitting around looking available to do/control/critique his responsibilities, hobbies, and stuff.
  • Give him a little downtime when he first gets home from work to unwind. Everybody unwinds differently. Maybe he likes to chat, be silly, rough house with the kids, zone out on the computer or in front of the tv, be alone for a few minutes, tackle a physical project. I know, I know: you want to see him, you want to talk to somebody over the age of 10, you need to unwind too. You’ll get your chance! Just hang in there a little bit longer. Try it. See what happens.
  • Use these three magic words for those questions you shouldn’t have to answer (e.g. where is my wallet?, or, have you seen that random thing that fell out of my pants pocket, sat on my closet floor for three days, and has now disappeared?): “I don’t know.” Be nice, now. You could even say, “I don’t know, honey.”
  • Don’t get upset when he starts making some decisions without consulting you first. It’s kind of a package deal. You don’t get to say I’ll be in charge of areas x, y, z, and you be in charge of areas a, b, c, but please ask me about d, don’t do e without checking first, and for pete’s sake remember how I prefer f to be handled! Come on. Chill out a bit. Try new things. It will be good for you. Weeeeee!
  • If you’re up for extra credit here, try this too: start asking about his preferences and opinions. That doesn’t mean you have to custom-cater everything to his whims. But it’s kind of nice to know what he likes, isn’t it?

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Images

1. Toddler in the bath courtesy of Jolien Vallins on Flickr.

Sources

1. Patricia Love, Ed.D, and Steven Stosny, Ph.D. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. New York: Broadway Books, 2007. Page 66, quoting research by Patricia Love and Jo Robinson for the book Hot Monogamy in which 1500 couples were interviewed regarding relationships.

{Build a Better Marriage} Having Fun Together 1

Filed under build a better marriage series, Uncategorized
Written by Annie on 26th Mar -10

I feel a little funny writing an article about having fun together. Questions assail. First, do I know enough about having fun with my spouse to actually give people advice on it? Two, after a bunch of far-more-serious articles about respect and trust and intimacy and the like, will people get this? Will it come across as flippant? Is it flippant? And most of all, this problem: fun is a relative term. What is fun to me is boring, strange, unnerving to a lot of people. So I’m not sure how to introduce the concept and give help that might be practical on a topic that is so subjective and preferential. But here goes. continue reading…

Building Your House 1

Filed under build a better marriage series, the man
Written by Annie on 2nd Mar -10

Every happy couple looks different.


Your version of wedded bliss isn’t the same as mine. (Good thing, huh?)

But all the happy couples have at least one thing in common: they make sure that the things they love about each other take up more space than the things they don’t like. continue reading…

Marriage Key: Transparency Comments Off

Filed under build a better marriage series, the man
Written by Annie on 1st Mar -10

A problem shared is a problem halved.

Pull Out the “FAIL” Stamp

I am the worst person in the world to be writing any sort of advice about how to be transparent. I’m an introvert (mostly). My counterpart in the animal kingdom is a clam. I am really good at hiding my feelings, so good, in fact, that sometimes I don’t even know what I really feel. Crying for no reason, to me, is the equivalent of a big fat FAIL stamped on my forehead.

Transparency, to me, seems like the worst kind of weepy emotionalism in the world.

But somehow the alternate titles I had didn’t fit.

  • Marriage Key: Isolation
  • Marriage Key: Avoidance
  • Marriage Key: Stoicism

Yeah.

How Do They Do That?

Even though I don’t like the emotional woman stereotype, and even though I kind of laugh at my more, er, expressive friends, to be quite honest (or transparent), I’m kind of jealous. I wish it were that easy, that natural for me to show emotions. I wish I didn’t have to actually make the conscious decision to let my guard down.

But I do. That’s me. And it’s a work in progress.

From the Trenches

All I can do is offer you some advice from the trenches. I don’t know much about transparency, but I do know this: if you want a happy marriage, you better start figuring out how to be transparent with your spouse.

You can’t build trust and intimacy when you’re not willing to let yourself be seen and known for who you really are. But that’s what is so difficult, because I know that who I am isn’t all that great sometimes. And to be transparent means to be vulnerable. It means that I let someone important see all the ugliness, all the pettiness, all the mistakes and pride and manipulation and jealousy and what-have-you.

Ech.

Real Love Welcomes You

The one and only reason I’m still pursuing this transparency concept is this: when you let yourself be known as you are, and you find that you are still accepted, you begin to experience love as you never have before.

If you’ve been holding your husband at arm’s length, stop. If you’ve been hiding who you really are behind no emotions or some sort of showy, shallow display, stop. Be real. Stop cheating yourself out of real love.

5-Minute Marriage Check

It’s tempting, oh so tempting, to use anger as a self-protective tool. We get emotional, and we show it, and then we feel vulnerable, so we get angry to cover up our own raw emotions.

Anger works really well.

Why is it so difficult for us to say calmly, even sweetly:

That hurt my feelings. I’m sad. I’m upset. I’m lonely. I’m confused. I need help. I’m uncertain. I have no confidence right now. I need a hug. I need a friend.

5-Minute Action Point

Your assignment is to pin your emotions down in that instant before the anger-drive kicks in and clouds everything. In that instant, define what you feel. Then share it; right away, if you can, or later, if you need a little while to turn the anger switch off.

Let your husband know what’s going on in your heart and in your head. If you can’t say it, write it down.

Whatever you do, be honest. Don’t let the instinct for self-defense keep you from the beauty of intimate, vulnerable, honest transparency.

Image courtesy of Janine.

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This post is {day 29} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.


It’s a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We’ll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We’ll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we’ve picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day’s reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here’s to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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