photo credit: 50 Watts (formerly A Journey Round My Skull)

You’re actually very strong.

Kind of obnoxiously strong, like those puffed-up body builders. Like Schwarzenegger in his glory days.
Big bulging muscles. Wow. (Don’t get any ideas about wearing a speedo, though.)

You’re capable, and you’re strong.

And so smart.
You doubt yourself, but you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t listen to that negativity.
You can accomplish anything if you will quit listening to those discouraging words and just keep going for it.

Reject your own fears; they don’t even make sense.

If you stick to it, you’ll reach your goals. It’s a struggle. I know, I know. I hear you. It would be easier to settle for something less ambitious. Heck, some days you do settle.

And on the days you don’t settle, you still feel like you’re not even close to hitting the mark.
But you are.

Much closer than you think.

See, I’ve been watching you.

I’m your friend (colleague/acquaintance/coworker/spouse/parent/child/neighbor) and I’m trying to figure you out.

I don’t know why you work at life so hard. I don’t know why you keep choosing to do what isn’t easy. I don’t quite understand what makes you tick, but I’m fascinated by it, so I keep watching.

And I see that you don’t see yourself very well.

You’re doing a great job, you just don’t know it.

You’re holding things together. You’re making progress. You’re growing. You’re learning to appreciate the moment.

You’re living out something deep.

I guess it has to do with your heart, with what you believe, with your ambitions, maybe? I’m not sure. You don’t really talk about yourself that much. You listen. You choose to give yourself. You look past the short-term stress. You handle the tension. You have made it through one crisis after another, and you stayed gracious in the midst of it.

The only thing missing is to realize that you are, actually, succeeding at life. I hope you’ll see that soon, and relax a little. I hope you’ll doubt yourself less. I hope you’ll enjoy the journey more. You may not think you’re strong, but you’ve got strength coming from somewhere.

And it’s amazing to watch.

1: Middle of the day:

busy at home, missing your husband, or running around at work, running errands, getting it all done somehow. Traffic light, a break in the rhythm, a few seconds of resetting.

Stop. Look around at the people near you. Look at the life.

Don’t miss out on why you’re doing all the stuff you do.

2: Think of the last conversation you had with your husband.

Was it positive? Eh? What was that? I couldn’t quite hear you there…

3: Send a friend a text or FB message or voice mail just to tell her something you love about her.

4: Stretch the muscles in your neck and shoulders.

5: Dump the soda and drink a big glass of water.

6: Think about what you’ve accomplished in the day so far.

Quit being so hard on yourself and start appreciating what you handle in a day by taking two minutes to acknowledge it.

7: Think of one particular thing you love about your kid(s).

8: Write down one thing you want to do by the end of the day.

9: Dark chocolate is full of antioxidants. Just sayin’.

10: Get rid of all those papers

1. Learn and practice the art of listening.

It’s a guaranteed help for your marriage, and it’s a great thing to practice in every conversation with every person you encounter. When was the last time you really listened to your kids? Or your Mom? Or that neighbor who always drops in?

2. Start having unplugged time.

Designate a day out of the week or a few hours at night when all computers and cell phones are off and you are simply alive in the world, together. We need – desperately – more time away from constant consumption, information, and digital interaction. We need more time to digest. We need time to breathe. We need time to process. We need time for things to come to the surface. We need less distraction and more depth.

3. Find a role model or an ideal and use that as your basis of comparison.

Role models give us a tangible ideal of life as it could be. Sometimes it’s too difficult to just stop comparing. So find someone worth comparing to. If you can’t find anyone, sit down and write out your ideal life, vision, world, self, future. Tack it up on the wall.
You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. -Michael Jordan

4. Start expanding your frame of reference.

• Travel. Get out of town, out of state, out of the country. Don’t critique. You’re not there to compare and identify all the ways these people do things differently. Go to learn. Go to see new things. Go to get a bigger picture of the world.
• Volunteer. Offer your help at a charity or mission or at your church. Get around people and groups that aren’t in your normal orbit. Listen, be courteous, treat everyone with respect. Pay attention. Get the stories.
• Read. Read widely, read often, read well. Feed on books. They nourish your mind and your soul. They expand your world. And they’re cheaper than a plane ticket.
• Meet people. Everywhere you go, notice the people around you. Be ready with a smile, a handshake, an introduction. Don’t be shy. Reach out. Make conversation. Invite people into your life.
• Get into other cultures. Learn a new cuisine, watch foreign films, go to the Middle East Market, practice Spanish with a friend from Mexico or Guatemala, ask questions, soak it up.

5. Start taking responsibility.

Listen: there are always extenuating circumstances. Nothing is never perfect. This is life on earth. Stop making excuses, start taking responsibility. There is a power and freedom in taking responsibility. You will find yourself stronger, better able to cope, less emotionally driven, less offended, less hurt, less angry, and, definitely, less victimized.

6. Start using my Mom’s rule: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

This is the complete and definite opposite of being snarky. This rule will not make you popular in trendy circles. This rule will probably make you the butt of jokes in those same trendy circles. Who cares?

7. Cultivate a real sense of humor.

Laugh at yourself. Laugh at the silly things in life. Laugh when plans change. Laugh at the absurdity of little humans trying to run the world.
A sense of humor judges one’s actions and the actions of others from a wider reference… It pardons shortcomings; it consoles failure. It recommends moderation. -Thornton Wilder

8. Get more iron in your life.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) Seek out people who will tell you the truth and challenge you to be the best version of yourself. Steer away from those who accept mediocrity in their lives. Cut back on relationships that drag you down. If every conversation you have with a friend is gossiping, complaining, or comparing, you are wasting your time and hers. If you are not influencing for the better, you are being influenced. Find people who will influence you toward good.

9. Start assuming the best about yourself, about life, and about every single person you meet.

Assume that they’re all interesting, worthwhile, valid, exceptional people with burning purpose and a passion to help and a willingness to serve and something of value to offer. Assume the same about yourself. Assume that every single thing you do makes an impact. Soon it will be true.

10. Start the daily habit of proactive generosity.

Look for ways to give. Offer your help, your expertise, your money, your wisdom, your wit, your time, your home, your hospitality, your food, your insight, your experience, your humility, your hands, your cleaning supplies. Offer what you have. Look for a need you can meet every single day. Meet it. Make it a habit. Make generosity a foundational principle in your life.
Provision for others ia fundamental responsibility of human life. -Woodrow Wilson

1. Stop talking all the time.

Really. We are obsessed with talking about everything: meetings, marriage counseling, phone calls, texting, discussions, emails, chatting, family counsels, therapy.
Some of that’s great, some of it is needed, but 87% of the time, the solution is not talk but action. You only need that 13% of talk time to figure out what action to take. From there, talking is just that much more procrastination. [Yes, I made up the 87%. Seems like a good number though.]

2. Stop updating your online life every 20 seconds.

You’re distracted, and you’re creating a false sense of connection, community, and productivity, and it’s adding to the clutter in your life without adding any real value.
Update maybe 3 or 5 times a day (if that) and then spend time in the real world creating real connections, adding to a real community, and doing some things that are really productive. Like maybe counting the times I used the word “really” in that sentence.

3. Stop with the pointless comparison.

In what areas of life do you find yourself continually tripping up, falling, failing? Proverbs tells us that the fear of man brings a snare, and asks “Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy?” [Proverbs 27:4].
Those areas where you keep tripping and falling? Look for snare: the fear of man setting a standard that isn’t right for you. And look for envy, which is guaranteed to make you fall. You can’t stand in the face of it, so get it out of your heart.

4. Stop using your culture and your peer group as your only reference point.

Number #3 will be directly effected for the better. Get a new, bigger frame of reference. Study history. Read about different cultures. Read the Bible. Expand.

5. Stop feeling sorry for people.

Yourself, especially. Pity helps no one. It reinforces the self-defeating cycle of victimization. It enables addictions, narcissism, and poverty of the soul.
It justifies laziness, resentment, and fear. It makes you negative. Offer mercy. Have compassion. But in your mercy and compassion, always see and call people (including yourself, especially) to be their best, to live up to what God has made them to be.

6. Stop being snarky.

Sarcasm is not that great. I know, I know, there’s a lot of it here. I’m working on it. Really, I am, because here’s the bottom line: it’s fun to be clever, and witty, and make people laugh. But at the end of the day, sincerity counts for a lot more than snarkiness.
When people need help, they will not turn to the wit of the group, they will turn to the one who will listen and answer sincerely. I want to help people. Do you? Don’t turn them away by putting a witty one-liner at a higher value than someone’s feelings.

7. Stop keeping stuff you don’t need.

Old clothes. Old relationships. Grasp the “seasonal” concept and apply it to everything. Okay, there are limits! Marriage – keep that. Kids – keep them. Parents – hang on. Siblings – keep them too. Some relationships are meant to last a lifetime, but not all relationships are meant to last, and not all relationships can last at the same level.
If you’re a loyal person (I am), it can be extremely difficult to realize this and take action accordingly. However, for the sake of the relationships in your life that do need to last, that do have a level of depth, you need to let go of others.

8. Stop with the feel-good friends.

Find some friends who make you a little nervous, uncomfortable, who ask questions you can’t answer, who know more than you do about God, parenting, child-rearing, who challenge you, who inspire you, who call you to be (what was that we said earlier?) your best, to live up to what God has made you to be. Not convinced? Read Proverbs 27: 5, 6, 9.

9. Stop assuming people don’t like you, don’t get you, or don’t care about you.

Sure, maybe for every 100 people you meet there will be 2 who don’t get you, 1 who doesn’t like you, and 1 who just doesn’t care about you. But the other 96? They get you (on some level); they like you; they care about you (to some degree); and they like you.
All that is needed for more getting, liking, and caring is more time, and more of you getting, liking, and caring about them. So don’t be paranoid. Risk it. People care, they really do. (P.S. I like you.)

10. Stop protecting yourself, your stuff, and your territory.

If you do just one thing from this list, make it this one. You want a better life? Really? Quit trying to control everything. Quit staking your claim in the world. Quit demanding that things go your way. Quit looking out for yourself.
Quit measuring, quit hoarding, quit defending. Open up. Give. Give more than you think you can. Flex. Go with the flow. Do things your husband’s way. Ask your friend for her advice, then take it. Be generous with your whole life.
There is one that scattereth, and yet increaseth; and there is one that withholdeth more than is needed, but ends up in poverty. The liberal soul shall be made prosperous; and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.Proverbs 11:24-25

Today is a soapbox day. If you can’t handle it, you better go now.

I’m talking about integrity today. Integrity, which The American Heritage Dictionary defines dully as “the state of being unimpaired; soundness…the quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.”

Here’s how I break it down. (Cue Vanilla Ice beat.) Integrity means being true to the best person you can be, the best version of yourself, instead of wimping out and drifting along, hoping one day you’ll get yourself together. Look, you’re contained in one body, right? How much more together can you get?

we are masters of excuse. (me, too.)

That doesn’t mean we are excused. We can jump loopholes to mentally justify our wrong choices, but that doesn’t make them any less wrong. We all want to blame the outcome on the circumstances, but we can’t, never entirely. Because always there is more to us than instinct and circumstance. Those are the animals. How hideous of us to try and fit into their kingdom when we belong to another. How many vain philosophies were invented to keep us there, with the animals, but just the fact that we feel a need to philosophically rationalize that position should tell us that the position is wrong.

the top two excuses

Fear and laziness blind us. Fear and laziness are blinders, masks. They bind themselves to us so closely that they seem like our own desires, preferences… We don’t consciously say, “I desire/prefer to be lazy and fearful” but the flesh sees anything that requires risk or work and says, Oh no that doesn’t sound fun. Eeeeew.
And so we start thinking that’s just not for me, I’m not that kind of person, that’s not what I’m into…
But that’s why character counts. We need to overcome those character flaws because that’s what they truly are. They’re not part of our personality, our soul, our best self.

“We need the courage to start and continue what we should do, and courage to stop what we shouldn’t do.” -Richard L. Evans

Laziness. I’m seeing it in myself and trying to overcome it. The sleep thing. The I-need-time-to-chill thing. The I-just-can’t-focus-right-now thing. The default to taking a nap when I’m overwhelmed by what needs to be done. The million projects that are always unfinished and the guilt and burden of that hanging over my head.

Laziness is a choice, and a cowardly one at that. Laziness has a profound, negative impact on the quality of my life in almost every area. Frankly, I’m just tired of it. I’m frustrated by my own bad habits. Sometimes frustration is the key to change.

Fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, a stubborn unwillingness to take a risk, to put yourself out there where you might fail. Well. Here we are, and we can all get introspective and self-diagnostic and cuddly on the psychiatrist’s couch. Helpful? No.

So I have an inferiority complex. So I like to think the worst about yourself and hide behind that self-pity. Life is moving on with me, and without you. Get over it, grow up, face your fears. Every moment you don’t increases the negative effect on the people you love. Find out who you are in Christ. Put aside the fear of man. Take action. Action is the antidote to so many negative feelings and consequent cycles. Doing something, trying and failing, is admirable. But doing nothing is cowardly.

slaves of stress? or buddies?

Do you know what stress is? The best definition I’ve ever heard came from this book. Here’s my paraphrase: stress comes from knowing the right thing to do but doing the wrong thing instead.
Stress comes from knowing who you are, knowing what you’re capable of, knowing the visions and calling on your life, but choosing to slide down and live at a lower level instead.

Here are four words I never want to hear again: “I’m so stressed out.”

I have no sympathy. Sorry. Sure, there are some situations which are out of your control and which will impact you and cause stress in your life. Those are the exceptions. 90% of the stress in our lives is self-induced. We allow it, we invite it, we entertain it, we become buddies with it, we hide behind it, we cuddle up with it.
Don’t tell me about your stress unless you can also tell me, in all honesty, that every morning you wake up and you do your best, you choose to be disciplined, you choose to do what you know is right for who you are, the best version of who you are.

Then we can talk about stress, but I bet you won’t have any.

Soapbox speech over.

Annie climbs down, looks around, feels awkward and mean and cruel. Hopes you understand. Hopes you get it. Hopes you see her heart here.

Image courtesy of MonsieurLui.

found: repressed penelope. please return to owner.

I’m finding out a few things about myself. After reading 30 or so posts in a row from Penelope Loves Lists, I think I’m a repressed Penelope. I think I caught on early in life to the fact that (what were those words she used? anal-retentive, perfectionist, and so on) the Penelope type isn’t always the popular girl at the party. She doesn’t always fit in. If she’s going to fit in, she might just have to smooth over some of her Penelope ways. You know what I mean?

I was a shy kid, and sometimes, despite the fact that now I will eagerly talk to just about any stranger, anywhere, anytime, about (almost) anything, I still get attacks of shyness. Everyday. With the people I know best.

And that shyness makes me want to do everything I can to fit in. Just fit in, Annie, darn it, quit being so weird. Don’t be too anal-retentive. Don’t be too clean-freakish. Don’t be too organized, or detailed, or superpowered, or hyperactive, or scheduled, or seen making lists of my lists. Don’t push yourself too much, succeed too much and make other people feel bad. I want people to like me. I want to please people. I want to make people happy.

and now for a review of my motives

Why do I want to make people happy?
Because other people’s happiness makes me happy.

Sounds noble, doesn’t it? Ah, what a selfless creature, living for the happiness of others. But we should all know, us people-pleasers (you don’t have to raise your hands here, we’ll just be a People Pleasers Anonymous with no formal introductions), that the desire to please is, at the root, a selfish desire.

In the end (or, I guess I should say, at the beginning), it’s all about me. It’s all about how I feel, how I can make me happy.

When I am the one making other people happy, they like me. They accept me. They give me pats on the back. I feel needed, wanted, affirmed, and worthwhile. Oh I love feeling neeeeeeeeded. I crave it. It’s an addiction.

and now for a review of our mistakes. just two of them, though.

SuperMan and I were talking on the way home from Mississippi (I Love Road Trips) about mistakes we’ve made. Two in particular. I’ll give you a little breakdown of these two particular ones, in irritatingly vague terms. Sorry, it’s for the sake of enduring interpersonal relationships.

Mistake #1:

At a point about two years ago, I pressured Joe to finish up a particular family project, a big project, because 1) I wanted it done just for all the “benefits” it would bring us, and 2) I wanted to please other people and I thought this particular, finished project would be a humdinger of a way to do it. (Did I realize all this at the time? Maybe. Probably not fully.) Well, guess what? Joe likes to make me happy, so he felt the pressure and he tried to make it happen. The result? A time-energy-money suck that we’re still dealing with. We’ll get past it, but it’s going to take a while.

Mistake #2:

At a point also about two years ago (geez what was wrong with us two years ago? and have we gotten over it yet?), we let the emotional pressure of a particular situation drive us away from it instead of finding a positive way to deal with it. Honestly, at that point, we didn’t really see a positive way to deal with it, but we didn’t really stop, think, and pray about it. We could have. About a year after that, we had the opportunity to deal with it positively and we kind of did, but not all the way, and we hesitated… and the opportunity passed. And now, my friends, it is unlikely (at best) to roll back around again. Sometimes you only get one chance (or in our case, I guess it was two but that’s not a guarantee… ).

and now for a review of our reviews. hang in there.

Ever made any mistakes like those? The heart of the matter is simple enough, in both cases:

Mistake #1 was a result of being motivated by the desire to please people so they would like us. So that we would be happy.
Mistake #2 was a result of trying to defend ourselves from a hurtful and confusing situation so we wouldn’t get hurt. So that we wouldn’t be unhappy.

And now the $42,000 question: can Joe and Annie learn from their mistakes? Or are they doomed to repeat them in a never-ending, self-defeating, masochistic and dizzying cycle of self-centeredness and self-defensiveness? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK.

Oh, nevermind. I’ll go ahead and write the conclusion and then try to live up to it.

today I make my resolution.

I am going to be a person who learns from her mistakes. Probably not all of them, people, because if I had to consciously review all my past mistakes in order to gain a lesson from them I would end up rocking back and forth and humming to myself in the hall closet. But Holy Flapping Pancakes, Batman, I can at least learn something from some of them.

Would you like to hear what I’ve learned so far? (Or is it so painfully obvious that repeating it is like saying VIN Number? Get it? V I N – the N means Number so when you say Number after the N you’re just repeating… um.. where did everybody go?)

Whatever, you get to hear it so quit complaining and read just one more measly paragraph and then Kool-aid and cookies for everyone!

measly paragraph about life lessons thus far learned from my mistakes

#1: It’s nice to make people happy, but as a primary motivation for life, it just doesn’t work. Sometimes it is not worth it. Sometimes what I think will make other people happy is so far from what will actually contribute to my long-term happiness that the twain can never actually co-exist, so I need to let one go. I’m voting to let go of that elusive other-people’s-happiness because a) I don’t really know what will make them happy and b) it isn’t my job to make them happy.
#2: Running away from problems does not solve problems. Avoiding hurt feelings does not guarantee you will not get hurt. Isolating yourself does not mean that you will be safe. It means that you will be lonely and will have made a large space in which to cultivate resentment, bitterness, and the lie we call victimization. If you want to be a grown-up, you need to deal with your problems. If the right choice is to get away, it should be done not in self-defensive knee-jerks, but with a thought-out, prayed-out decision.

End life lessons. Now, somebody get some Dixie cups for the Kool-aid, and everybody get a vanilla-creme-filled sandwich cookie… Nom nom nom.
-
{annoying follow-up questions intended to spur a discussion}
1. How do you treat other people in order to secure your own happiness? Some of us try to please (okay, lots of us); some of us try to control; some of us manipulate; some of us attempt to be all things to all people by pleasing, controlling, and manipulating. Is it fair – to others, to yourself – to put your happiness on their shoulders? Is it fair to think you can provide happiness for them?
2. How do you isolate yourself in order to avoid pain? It could be by withdrawing emotionally, by staying too busy, by putting up a front (“Oh, everything’s fine, we’re good, kids are great, life is peachy, I’m just swell, blahdiblah”), or by ignoring or deliberately misunderstanding people. Isolation is not a way to solve a problem. It only intensifies the pain by adding loneliness and resentment. How can you start dealing with pain (real or imagined) instead of avoiding it?
3. Which do you prefer, the vanilla-filled or lemon-filled sandwich cookies? Or do you like those daisy shaped ones with the hole in the middle that you can stack on your finger? I’m taking votes for next week…

I am feeling totally burned out and the last thing I want to do right now is write. I don’t even really want to read, and that’s a sure sign of word fatigue at its worst incarnation. I want to sleep. Oh. Coffee might help.

There are two little girls in the kitchen and I’m watching them through the big pass-through. They are standing on little blue chairs in front of the sink, “washing dishes” for me. Happy. Intensely involved in their work. Oblivious to the water on the counter, on the floor, on their shirts. I think right now they’re guessing what soap bubbles taste like and wondering why I won’t let them taste to find out…

The Conflict Between What Is Needed and What I Want

Writing through burn-out. Working through fatigue. Giving through selfishness. That’s what it comes down to, isn’t it? Writing or working or caring for children or giving careful attention to a conversation when what you want is to run away, anywhere away, far away. It is the conflict between what I’m feeling, which is telling me what I want, and what is needed from me.

It is a sign of maturity when you can ignore the feelings and simply do what is needed, in spite.

In Spite of the Feelings

Not without the feelings. That’s a crock. In spite of the feelings. You can’t turn emotions on and off. You can’t make “happy” happen anytime you feel a little stressed or down.
But you can decide that feelings aren’t the most important factor. You can look at yourself and say, Okay, I don’t feel like doing this. I, in fact, want to vomit at the thought of this… job, obligation, event, conversation, pile of child’s vomit to be cleaned up. But it still needs to be done. So I am going to do it.

When Not to Focus on the Feelings

It is not bad to have feelings, even negative feelings. Feelings are worthwhile. But feelings are not valid excuses for just checking out on the things we’ve committed to doing and being. But when we have these bad feelings, we tend to focus on fixing them so we can get on with the doing and being. It’s the wrong order, and it never works. The more we focus on the negative feelings, the bigger and scarier and more negative they become.

The best thing to do in those moments is to decide, in the simplest of ways, that you will just let those feelings sit there while you get on with the doing and being that is your life. Your life is not your feelings. Your life is effected by your feelings, but the moment you make that simple decision, the feelings lose a bit of their power.

You type a sentence in spite of the burn-out.
You smile at your child in spite of the frustration.
You hug your husband in spite of the stress.

When to Focus on the Feelings

Negative feelings are valid markers of something being wrong. But sometimes the “something wrong” is just too little sleep or too much navel-gazing. The moment the feelings are in full-blown attack is the worst time to start trying to analyze the cause. Worst, worst, worst.

Wait on it. Don’t worry about them. There they are, those feelings. If they’re indicating something you need to deal with, you’ve got time to deal with it. Later. After a good night’s sleep or a good meal or a long walk or some belly laughs. After the doing and being, go back and think through the feelings. You’ll have the gift of just enough distance to actually analyze them and their cause instead of getting swept up in their force.

This is how you start to grow up. This is how you start to accept feelings for what they are: part of your life, not all of your life.

Images

1. Sometimes you just want courtesy of Vale the Kid on Flickr.