Sometimes you just got to let it go.

Short End of the Shtick

I had a good cry last night and felt immensely better. It's difficult for me to just cry, let out the excess emotion, and then pick up and go on with good heart: I want to analyze and find a problem that caused the need for the crying. Read the rest of this entry »

If we are ever to enjoy life, now is the time, not tomorrow or next year.... Today should always be our most wonderful day.

-Thomas Dreier

The Witching Hour

Every day, just before the time my husband is going to get home from work, something strange happens in my home. The kids have just had a long nap and a snack, but they get inexplicably whiny. The house looks dirty all of a sudden. The pile of laundry on the bed increases fourfold. The plans I had for dinner seem inadequate, and my feet hurt, my back hurts, my head hurts, and what-I-wouldn't-give for a little peace and quiet...

Welcome home, honey.

I'm embarrassed at the times Joe's walked in the door to that atmosphere. It seems like on those days, when I've "just had it" and all I need is a little relief, he's just had it at work too.

I'm drained; he's drained. All I want is to sit down; all he needs is a little rest. My day was constantly busy, but seems unproductive now; his, too. The kids are clamoring for our attention, and when Joe and I meet eyes it's with a mutual question of "How soon can bedtime come?"

Whose Fault Is It, Anyway?

I blame it on the undone items, usually. If I hadn't had so much to do, if I'd gotten a bit more done, if the Read the rest of this entry »

Better to live in the corner of a roof than with a contentious woman.

Simmer Down, Tiger

You know the boxer stance? Arms up, hands in fists ready to strike, eyes narrowed, focused on finding the weak spot, feet moving, restless, ready.

It's a great stance if you're a boxer and you need to punch the other guy out to win.

It's not so great when the other guy is your mate for life. Punch him out, you don't really win.

Them's Fightin' Words

A contentious woman is a woman out for a fight. She's always asking questions. She requires explanations. She needs more details, more information. She likes to offer alternate plans, helpful suggestions, better ideas.

She doesn't like just listening and accepting and following. She wants to be in charge; if she can't outright take over, she works it by always “modifying” the plan. He says green, she says, “Okay, but light green.” He says burgers, she says, “Okay, fine, but not that one place with the greasy fries.”

She has to be involved in making the decision. She really wants to be the one making the decision; since she isn't, she is constantly correcting, instructing, tweaking, improving his decisions.

Compare and Contrast

Is it wrong to ask questions or make suggestions? No. It isn't. But there are two very different ways to ask the same question. C'mon. You know.

There's the huffy way, with the Mom-like tone of voice and the sigh of exasperation at the end (sometimes it's the snort of contempt, another favorite).

Or there's the happy way, with the normal voice, no not-so-hidden agendas involved. That's the way that tells your husband he can actually answer your question honestly without fearing the repercussion.

Your Husband Gets You

He can tell when there's strife in the air. He senses it. Guess what? God designed men to stand up to those who challenge their authority and position. It's God's way of providing protection for the family.

Guess what else? God commanded men to love their wives sacrificially, as Christ loves the church.

When you are contentious, you are creating a situation that is simply impossible for your husband. He has to either 1) ignore his natural drive to face and defeat challengers or 2) ignore the command to love you.

Snip, Snip, Snip

Put yourself in your husband's position for a moment. He comes home, he senses your hostility (that's what it is, when you get right down to it), he knows he better tread carefully or there will be a fight.

He mentions an issue at work, or plans for the weekend, and you start asking questions in that snippy little voice. No answer. He's right there, he's just not responding. You ask again. No answer. You look around, and see him retreating into the garage.

Why You Get Ignored

The moment you whipped out the snippy voice with the baited questions, he had to decide. His first instinct was pure male: to take the bait (which he is aware of, because you're not as sneaky as you think), pull out his can of “WHOOP-BUTT,” and apply it, liberally, to you.

His second instinct was husband: to avoid the fight, repercussions of which tend to ruin the night, and get the heck out of Dodge until things cool down.

Showdown at the O.K. Corral

And you? You don't really like either option, do you? You want to fight and you want to win, because you're dying to prove something to somebody.

Maybe you want to prove that you're smarter, or better, or funnier, or that you work harder or do more or need more money or more time or more help. You probably forget what the point was by the time the fight's over, because the real point was just to fight.

Disturbing the Peace

Why are you so eager to get out the boxing gloves?

• Comparing: you have a continual mental scale of what he does vs. what you do. When the scale isn't balanced, you want to fight.
• Discontentment: you're simply unhappy on a level that has nothing to do with circumstances, and you're letting it come out by striving.
• Unresolved Issues: there's an issue that's been bothering you and instead of addressing it humbly and directly, you're picking fights about everything else.
• Parenting Problems: you haven't been dealing with the verbal or behavioral strife coming from your own kids, but by the end of the day you've got to get it out on somebody.
• Feelings of Failure: you're not making progress on a goal, project, or area of personal growth and that failure is hitting you deep. In response, you're lashing out.
• Disorganization: a disorderly home, a packed schedule (or no schedule at all), clutter, and lack of priorities leave you stressed and drained by the end of the day, but instead of dealing with the problem you distract yourself with a fight.

The Fall-Out

What happens when you are constantly looking for a fight?

You find one.

You get ignored. You get hurt. You get angrier. You get offended, and the offenses become a sticky mass of resentment that settles in your heart.

This is not what a happy marriage is made of. It's time to change.

5-Minute Marriage Check

Some personalities are more directly confrontational; others tend to avoid a fight but get anger out through passive-aggressive ways. Neither way is a healthy habit for marriage because your spouse is not your enemy.

You are two against the world.

You are two against the culture.

You are two against the adversities, pains, losses, disappointments, and trials that will be part of life.

You can face them together and overcome, or you can tear each other down and be torn apart.

Do this: Go outside. If it's raining, stand under the porch. Look around. Look up. The world is big. Take a deep breath. Say this to yourself:

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called daughters of God.”

(My paraphrase, Matt. 5:9, NASB)

Decide to be a peacemaker. Decide to agree instead of argue. Decide to encourage instead of analyze. Decide to support instead of question. Decide to give instead of demand.

5-Minute Action Point

Which area needs work in your life?

• Comparing
• Discontentment
• Unresolved Issues
• Parenting Problems
• Feelings of Failure
• Disorganization

It might be more than one area. For each area that you know is a problem and is creating contention in your spirit, get a piece of paper or a note card.

Write down the specific problems. For example,

Comparing: I think other women look better than me, and I'm always wondering if he thinks that too.

Unresolved Issues: I'm still grieving over my miscarriage.

Feelings of Failure: I can't believe I lost my job; and I can't lose this weight and I feel like a slob and a failure.

Disorganization: I never feel prepared for the week, the house never gets clean, I can't figure out what to cook for dinner and we end up eating out.

For each item you wrote down, do these two things:

1. Pray about it. Ask for help. Ask for wisdom. Ask for forgiveness. Give it to God.
2. Take action on it. It is dead-weight as long as you try to ignore it. Do something about it; decide what, and put it on your card. For example,

Comparing – my action: I'm going to memorize Psalm 45:10-17 and I'm going to wear make-up every day because I feel better about myself when I do.

Unresolved Issues – my action: I'm going to talk to my husband about this and about how much I'm still hurting over it.

Feelings of Failure – my action: I'm going to find a diet/exercise plan and follow it, and I'm going to work on my resume.

Disorganization - my action: I'm going to use Sunday nights to plan for my week, and I'm going to make a menu, and I'm going to clean for 20 minutes every night.

You may still fall short in these areas, especially if you have a lot of things you want to work on. Pick the top two and focus on them, first; pray, and complete the action. Then go on from there. You will see and feel a difference in your spirit as you deal with these problems.

Free yourself to be a peacemaker.

Image by kikfoto.

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This post is {Day 10} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I'll Get You, My Pretty!

What's so hard about taking what you get and liking it? Everything. Nobody is perfect, we know that; problem is, we like perfect, crave it, want it, wish it were reality. We've hit the conclusion that we're not reaching perfection ourselves, so we might as well start working on somebody else. Somebody else like our husbands. Maybe we'll have more success with them.

Yeah, right. Read the rest of this entry »

You know what I'm tired of, right now? Whining women. Seriously. What is wrong with us?

Halfway across the world, a Haitian woman digs through the rubble looking for her baby's body.
Halfway across the county, a single mom counts food stamps to see if she has enough for her groceries.
Halfway across the living room, a man sits who has loved you and worked to keep you happy, fed, clothed, and satisfied to the best of his abilities. He isn't perfect. He does stupid, annoying stuff that makes you want to scream. But there he is.

And there you are, in a warm home with every material blessing you need for a happy life. There's no practical concern stopping you from being happy, but you go back to whining. So do I. It's pointless and selfish. It's pure poison.

Whining women get on my nerves.

How did we get this way? Why do we listen to the stereotypes pushed around by our culture? Why do we make stupid jokes and snide little remarks about our men? Why do we not defend them, encourage them, support them, back them up, and find a way to see in them the best they can be? That is our job. Read the rest of this entry »

There he stood, my little 1 1/2 year old, with his blond curls on his head and his diaper in his hand. As in, not on his little bottom. And yes, there was poop. And it was Not Good.

I was writing about happiness. I had stopped writing about happiness just to go get that little booger up from his nap. I was needing a break from the sort of thing I kept finding in my research on happiness. Things like this:

Happiness is..."the ultimate state of conscious feeling where all the five senses integrate into a purest form of dreamless love. Happiness flows out of 'FORGIVE'ness and not 'FORGET'ness," says Asesh Datta here.

This is why happiness is so elusive; we've just defined the heart and soul out of it.

How in the name of all that is yellow and buttery are you supposed to make all five senses integrate into a purest form of dreamless love?

First of all, what is dreamless love? Is love normally full of dreams? Is it better without the dreams? How do you get it to be dreamless? How can you tell? Can you be happy with love that stubbornly retains one or two dreams involving giant French fries, a purple tuxedo, and a burro named Roxy?

And how do you integrate all five senses into this sort of state? Let's just refresh on all five senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching. Please explain to me how you can smell dreamless love. Please. I want to know.

Anybody?

By now you're thinking Okay, ha ha ha with the sarcasm, where is the happiness?

Well, it's elusive, like a deer, so quit being so pushy.

I take that back. Happiness isn't elusive. Happiness is hard work. We pretend it's elusive so we don't have to fess up to being lazy. That way we can continue to be unhappy without feeling like it's our own fault, which allows us to continue complaining about the utter injustice of the universe and how we're gonna tell that Happiness Guru a thing or two when we get up there. Or over there. Or through there. Whatever.

Happiness isn't elusive, like a deer. Happiness is big and ugly, like a rhino. Happiness likes stare-downs. Happiness needs plenty of space and care and feeding. Happiness makes great big piles of poop.

Uh, my analogy might have broken down on that last one.

And now I have a story to tell. I finished the line above (the one about the rhino poop, you remember?), and went to wake up my napping children. Well. They weren't exactly napping anymore. They had been awake for an undisclosed amount of time as I recorded my brilliant and vanishing insights into your happiness. That is the price they pay for having a famous authoress a writer as a mother.

I opened the door to my daughter's room. I opened the door to my son's room. I smelled rhinos. Well, I smelled something I now unfailingly associate with rhinos.

Those are the little ironies of life. You get up from writing about happiness and walk in to wake your wonderful, cuddly, cute baby only to find yourself scraping poo off the floor, which was put there by said baby, whom you are currently not referring to as "wonderful" or "cute" and very definitely not "cuddly." Half a roll of paper towels and a bottle of disinfectant later, your happiness is being put to the test. And this is the essay question that stumps you at the end:

Can you be happy while you are cleaning up poo?

I will now defer to my collection of quotations from people much smarter than me:

Abraham Lincoln, who certainly knew a thing or two about cleaning up gigantic messes, said that "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Benjamin Franklin said that "It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man," so according to the illustrious Mr. Franklin, me cleaning poo off the floor is a happier person than me sitting around idly in that cushy blue chair, reading a novel and nibbling pistachios. I don't know. I've always admired B.F. but he seems to be falling a little short of insightful on this one.

Here's what I think: happiness doesn't come when you have more fun; fun comes when you have more happiness.

We wait for certain conditions and expect them to provide happiness and we're always disappointed. Reality can never live up to fantasy. Disney World is fun when you're there, but it's never quite as good as it was in those hours of imagining how great it would be to go to Disney World.

You don't imagine standing in line for an hour, melting into a pool of sweat in the shiny asphalt, and wearing a scratchy polyester jumpsuit as a fill-in for Captain Kirk in the make-your-own Star Trek movie event. So you go, you have fun, but it's not as good as the expectation. Too often we let that gap between what we get and what we expect just destroy our happiness.

I didn't expect poo on the bed when I walked into my son's room, but that's what I got. And there was my moment of destiny in the pursuit of happiness: do I curse and mutter? Do I let it ruin my day? Do I yell at my child?

I'm basically a selfish person, and I'd rather be happy than be unhappy. So I stopped and looked and then I laughed. Because, really, what else can you do?

I laughed because it's a great story. I laughed as I took the sheets of the bed, bathed the child, and mopped the floor. (Okay, I might have stopped laughing at some point because you can't just laugh indefinitely; bear with me, I'm trying to make a point.) Here's the point: Happy is up to you. Happy doesn't make the mess go away, but it does make cleaning up any kind of mess better.

Oh, and yeah, I also laughed because it's not as great a story as my friend's, whose daughter not only took off her diaper and pooped but then proceeded to wipe it all over the walls. Comparison isn't always a bad thing.

Images courtesy of mpeterke and lanuiop.

It's an ongoing endeavor for a lot of people, like all the nice folks who have written these books (even an encyclopedia) in the attempt:

• 101 Myths of the Bible: How Ancient Scribes Invented Biblical History
• Two Thousand Bible Errors in the Old Testament
• The Encyclopedia of Biblical Errancy

But no one's been quite definitive enough to settle it once and for all. People are still reading this book, finding (apparently) helpful ideas, and writing more articles and books which actually support the Bible. This as recently as last year (can you believe it?):

• The Stones Cry Out: What Archaeology Reveals About the Truth of the Bible
• Scientific Facts in the Bible: 100 Reasons to Believe the Bible is Supernatural in Origin
• Is the Bible True? How Modern Debates and Discoveries Affirm the Essence of the Scriptures

The controversy.

The contention.

We are divided. We are stuck. But you, my friend, can settle it all. There are two simple requirements: Read the rest of this entry »

The Witching Hour

Every day, just before the time my husband is going to get home from work, something strange happens in my home. The kids have just had a long nap and a snack, but they get inexplicably whiny. The house looks dirty all of a sudden. The pile of laundry on the bed increases fourfold. The plans I had for dinner seem inadequate, and my feet hurt, my back hurts, my head hurts, and what-I-wouldn't-give for a little peace and quiet...

Welcome home, honey.

I'm embarrassed at the times Joe's walked in the door to that atmosphere. It seems like on those days, when I've "just had it" and all I need is a little relief, he's just had it at work too. Wierd. I'm drained; he's drained. All I want is to sit down; all he needs is a little rest. My day was constantly busy, but seems unproductive now; his, too. The kids are clamoring for our attention, and when Joe and I meet eyes it's with a mutual question of "How soon can bedtime come?"

Whose Fault Is It, Anyway?

I blame it on the undone items, usually. If I hadn't had so much to do, if I'd gotten a bit more done, if the kids had napped longer, if the phone had rung less... then the house would be clean, laundry put away, dinner on the table, make-up on my face, kids neat and happy, and I'd feel better because it wouldn't be there waiting for me. When it isn't that way, I feel tired just looking around and then I feel resentful. Why should I still have to work once Joe gets home and is off work? Why does my job never end? Why doesn't he notice what needs to be done?

Hmmm. Wondering where those kids pick up that whiny attitude?

Two things are necessary to kill the whine. And it's necessary to kill the whine in order to eliminate that witching hour and make the Welcome Home, Honey, a genuine welcome.

1: Kill the expectations.

2: Have a party.

The Secret of Happiness

Here's a secret that every woman, mom, wife should learn from day one. Want to be happy? Quit expecting to be served. Drop it. Set your sights, from the moment of waking up onward, to doing your job fully and without expecting anyone else (such as, ahem, your husband) to pitch in and do it for you. You are the CEO of your own life and life's work, whatever that includes. Take charge of all of it, not just the parts you enjoy. See it to the finish, not just to the moment Hubs walks in the door and you decide to throw the rest in his lap.

The secret of a happy family is a happy mom.

Once you let go of that ball-and-chain (the expectations are the huge, heavy ball; your emotions are the chain), you're free to do your job AND to enjoy it at the same time. This is when the party starts. You may not have it all done by the end of the day, but that's not really the happiness issue. You are. If you're tired of whining, dragging, and nagging through dinnertime, bathtime, and bedtime, turn up the music. Get your kids with you and dance your way through making dinner and folding clothes. Sing at the top of your lungs. See how many neighbors you can shake out of twilight tiredness. Get out in the front yard, play freeze tag, throw water balloons, make daisy chains.

You'll still be tired at the end of the night. You may have to finish folding those clothes at 10pm instead of 7. But the kids will be asleep with dreams of how fun their Mommy is, your husband will be humming a tune, and you'll be matching socks and smiling a little secret smile.

Photo courtesy of charles chan * on Flickr.

1. Figure out why it matters.

Everybody complains, but very few people do anything about their complaints. It's as if most of us enjoy complaining... Hmmm. Do we?

Sometimes the solutions are so obvious and simple that it's all I can do to keep my mouth shut. I want to point out the path for everybody's personal growth: "Well, you just need to..." That's not the problem, however. 9 times out of 10, we know exactly what we need to do to solve our problems. What we don't take time to figure out, however, is how much it matters. The little things that we complain about today seem like little things; we don't see how they turn into big consequences over time.

• If I don't start exercising and I keep gaining ten pounds a year, then in five years I will be more than 50 pounds overweight. That's not who I want to be in 5 years, so I need to make changes today.

• If I sleep in everyday and don't meet my work and income goals, then in five years I will be more in debt than I am now, and working on an even tighter budget.

I don't want to move backward; I want to move forward. Forward motion only happens with effort, so I have to make those choices, be self-disciplined, and make the forward motion happen. Otherwise the things that are irritating now will become the things that ruin my life in a few more years.

So why does it matter for you? Fast forward the current effects of your lifestyle five or ten years. The minor irritations will become magnified as they continue. The consequences will pile up. Figure out why improving your life now matters for the life you will live in the future.

2. Make a plan and stick to it.

You'll never get the perfect plan, so quit worrying about the little details and just take action. I am so bad about planning and replanning and scheduling and organizing and then totally failing on the follow-through. But the following through is what gets me to the goal. My plan may not be perfect, but if followed, I will at least be making some kind of progress. There are always opportunities to adjust as we go along, but first we have to start going!

Excuses and procrastination will simply leave you in a rut. How many 'if only' phrases creep into your plans for a better life? Quit looking at what is hindering you and start figuring out how you can reach your goals in spite of the obstacles.

There will always be obstacles. That's why reaching your goals is difficult! Figure out some way, anyway, to move forward in spite of discouraging circumstances, tight budgets, not enough time, lack of energy, poor health, family problems, whatever. You have to decide that building a better life is possible no matter what else is going on.

Women second guess themselves into failure many times. I don't know if this is a uniquely female trait (it seems to have a hold on our gender) or if it has more to do with personality, but the result is that we sabotage our own personal growth. Don't let doubt and excuses hold you down. Make a plan, however imperfect, and start acting on it.

3. Expect the best from yourself.

If we are going to move forward, we need to remember that 'personal' word in personal growth. Improving your life begins with you first deciding that you are capable of living the life you desire. You want to write and publish books? Do you expect from yourself the type of behavior and self-discipline necessary to acheive those goals? Or do you allow laziness to define you, excuse your sporadic writing habits, and still expect to succeed?
Take a close look at the daily habits necessary to move you from Point A (your life now) to Point B (your life as you dream it). What does it require of you? What choices does that person at Point B make every day that enable her to live that dream life? Begin making those same choices in your life now and you will end up there. Keep on living like you are, as the person who makes the choices that result in Point A, and that's where you'll stay.

Figure out what is required, and then start expecting that from yourself. You are capable of far more than you have acknowledged in the past. Start acknowledging. This isn't about being boastful or putting others down. It is about choosing to be the best person you can be and making your life reflect fit that person.

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Image courtesy of headexplodie.