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Modern Homemaking REdefined: Who’s the Boss? 2

Filed under the home
Written by Annie on 14th Jun -10

This guest post is by Chandra Hawkins-Bernat. If you’re interested in writing a guest post for Sister Wisdom, see the guidelines here.

I confess that pre-marriage and baby carriage, I had grandiose visions: children nestled sweetly under their (clean) sheets in a perfectly decorated bedroom, a family gathered around an immaculate dining room table, gourmet meals with coordinating napkins, lit candles, and the perfect mood music playing in the background. No picky eaters, no noisy conversationalists, no spilled milk all over Grandma Lizzie’s tablecloth.

Well, somewhere between here and the Twilight Zone, reality dawned. These visions, though certainly not bad, were not really very practical. They were hindering me from enjoying the moment and living life as life was meant to be: Honest, hopeful, happy, and free.

I come from a long line of immaculate housekeepers, who wanted to impart that trait on the next generation of women in their family. I had assumed that regardless of little mess-makers underfoot, I would be able to scrub my floors on my hands and knees once a week, dust once a week, vacuum once a day, be able to drink water from the toilet bowl, and never have be a dish or piece of laundry out of place.

As most mommas know, there are weeks that we feel that just taking a shower is an accomplishment akin to climbing Everest. And as far as keeping up with laundry goes that may as well be some uncharted territory on the Amazon where Native peoples and undiscovered insects inhabit. So how do we find that balance where familial and cultural expectations and necessity and desire lie?

Its been a slow process, but I have come to the conclusion through too many days of feeling overwhelmed and feeling something of a failure, that we are not the servants of our home, but our home is meant to serve us. With the dawning of this revelation, I felt like a burden was lifted! And perhaps more importantly, I felt free.

Let me illustrate:

One day while crying on the phone to my Grandma about my laundry nightmare she gave me some of the best advice: “Don’t sweat the small stuff, Chandra.” Momentarily arriving from out of my pity party, I sniffed. “How do I do that when my kids have to have clean underwear?”

She went on to explain to me that my Aunt, who happens to be a very busy middle school principle, doesn’t sort her laundry and doesn’t fold it. Grandma told me that my Aunt just figures that it gets wrinkled up anyway once in the drawers. I had an epiphany.

Folding laundry is one of those things that I felt that I had to do. It’s just what you are supposed to do, that’s what my mother taught me, that’s what Martha Stewart says. Right?

Wrong. If your laundry gets washed, but gets stuck on your husband’s pool table (I won’t mention names here. Ahem…) and you end up sorting through that collective pile for the next month or so, then obviously your idea of folding your laundry and having organized drawers and closets is not working. Your home has become your master. Its time to reclaim it!

I finally learned to stop folding laundry and screw sorting socks. Our laundry gets put in its appropriate drawers, unfolded. With my little boys rooting around their dresser drawers it doesn’t stay folded anyway. And socks are sorted by family member but not paired. In a family of five, I would rather outlaw socks altogether.
But that’s not practical so this Momma gave up on pairing them. I would much rather go devote that time to some other creative project or a tickle fight. If there is a stray sock, I put it in a little baggie. If its match doesn’t resurface, then I use them for dust mittens for the kids, or make little snowmen out of them for gift embellishments at Christmastime.

Because of this simple, blessed conversation this principle started oozing out and running over into all other aspects of my home. I took to heart that poem about fingerprints on the windowpanes. I wash my windows, but not religiously. I started buying stock in Lysol wipes to keep my bathroom clean. I don’t fret about the dust. I would rather go pick a bouquet out of my garden and set it on a dusty table then waste that time removing the dust in an obsessive-compulsive fashion.
I also learned to set up my kitchen in a way that works for me. Just because your mom had the silverware drawer right by the towels doesn’t mean that that works for you. For me, I have one kid-friendly cabinet that is filled with all of their dishes (sippy cups, plates, bowls). Its easy for them to have access and they can start to help in the kitchen. My breadbox houses granola bars, pistachios, and other types of snacks in order to free up storage space.

Have you ever sorted your book collections by color? I used to think the only way to organize books was by genre’ and alphabetical by author. I threw that stuffy old principle out of the window too! My books are now sorted by color and not only do they add a colorful display, its much more my personality. Free spirited and fun loving.

So, my question to you is simple:

What are some ways that your home has become your master? And how can you go about reclaiming what’s yours? And what are some expectations that have perhaps been passed down from your grandmothers or mother to you that don’t work for you personally?

Today’s 2 Cents Courtesy of:

Chandra Hawkins-Bernat is a daughter of a King, a wife of a Prince, mother of heirs to the Kingdom…and in her spare time she pretends to be a student, author, designer, and artist. She is currently working on a book as well as blogging about being an insanely creative mommy and loving life with boys and an adoring husband. Her posts will leave you feeling inspired to create: memories, beauty, projects of love, and works of art for yourself and your loved ones. Be sure to visit her at MonkeyShine and get inspired!

The One Assumption You Should Make Comments Off

Filed under build a better marriage series, the man
Written by Annie on 3rd Feb -10

babmlogo1

Always assume that your husband has the best possible motives.

Let’s Break That Down

Most of the time, conflict in marriage is a matter of two people who love each other assuming that they really don’t love each other.

In our case, we women jump to conclusions about what our husband is trying to do. We analyze his remarks, his timing, his clothing choices, his decisions, his forgetfulness, his every little move. And we tend to assume the worst. Here’s an example. continue reading…

Learning to Accept Comments Off

Filed under self, the man
Written by Annie on 30th Sep -08

My husband is changing jobs after working at this one since he was 15. It’s been his only job for his entire life. It’s a family business, and he has loved it, but it’s time. Change is moving in, people are moving on. It’s the right thing, but that doesn’t make it easier. Nothing is easy right now, because nothing is familiar.

That Lost Feeling

I remember that same lost feeling for the first few months of marriage, maybe even the whole first year. I was knocked-out in love with my husband (I still am) and I knew I wanted nothing else but to be with him. But it wasn’t easy because it was all so different. No parents. No familiar routine. No Mom to run errands with. No old friends to call up for shopping or coffee. Everything was new and different, and because of that, it was difficult to accept.

Everything changed with one morning’s strange epiphany during that first year. Joe was doing something – I don’t even remember what – but it was different than what I was used to. I was just watching him, feeling that tightening, the offense at what was unfamiliar, when it came: the fact that it was different didn’t make it wrong. It just made it different, and I could get used to different.

I Can Get Used to Different

That moment was the first in many steps upward, back to the comfortable glow of familiarity. When I reached that threshold of being comfortable in my new life, it wasn’t because I had finally managed to make it the same as my old life. It was because I had accepted a new set of circumstances and behaviors and routines and surroundings as my own. I had put aside the prejudice against the unknown, allowed it to come close enough to me to become known, and had accepted it as something equally good to what I had before. In many ways, something much, much better.

The One That Stuck

I could have shortened that process had I learned a little something about acceptance before getting married. I think it was shorter than it might have been because I had been watching, a long time, and making those resolutions that single people love to make before marriage. A lot of them disappeared once I experienced marriage, but one stuck. Over and over I had seen my friends and family expend all their energy on changing their spouses. It seemed so obvious to me, the single and objective onlooker. You can’t change somebody else, and you just frustrate each other when you try.

Create a New Right

I didn’t understand the powerful motivation of wanting to accomplish that change until I entered marriage. It’s not as simple and petty as I thought, not necessarily a power struggle, though it often turns into that. Mostly we start trying to change each other because we are trying to create a life that feels right. We have strong ideas about what right is. It takes a good bucketful of humility dumped on your head before you realize that sometimes “right” is merely a matter of preference, and fighting to the death over preference is just stupid. Create a new right, together, and you’ll both be happier.

I think that’s what acceptance is. It’s letting go of comfort long enough to get close to the unfamiliar. It’s letting go of assumptions long enough to see that the unfamiliar isn’t so bad. It’s letting go of control long enough to let someone else’s preferences be just as important as yours. It’s a difficult thing to do.

But we need to learn how to do it.

Some days I wake up and I don’t feel comfortable with myself. Some days the whole world feels foreign. Some days the ability to accept is the only thing I’ve got going.

How to Get Beyond Your Assumptions Comments Off

Filed under good reads
Written by Annie on 3rd Mar -08

Assumptions are those controlling, basic habits of the mind. They are what we think without thinking. They are the default. An assumption is a “statement that is assumed to be true and from which a conclusion can be drawn,” or “a hypothesis that is taken for granted” (WordNet).

We all operate from assumptions to some degree. We assume the world will keep spinning, the sun will rise, and our boss will expect us to show up at work as usual. So we set the alarm, get up, get dressed, and go to work. What’s the problem with assumptions like that? Nothing, really. Those type of assumptions are what I call experiential assumptions. They are based on our former experiences and validated every time the experience is repeated, which is usually often.

Many experiential assumptions are accurate to a large degree, perhaps even for all of our lives. What happens, however, is that as we operate on a daily basis from experiential assumptions, we think less often and less consciously and simply operate on automatic. We get lazy.

We have assumptions about each other: spouse, children, parents, siblings, co-workers, friends, strangers. We have assumptions about spirituality, intellect, physical history, relationships, and morality. We carry these assumptions with us and apply them to the appropriate subjects without stopping to think about what the assumptions are, where they came from, what they are based on, and whether they are accurate. We assume they are true without stopping to question their history, logic, source, or motivation.

Racism comes from unquestioned assumptions. Discrimination of all kinds comes from unquestioned assumptions. Persecution – both of the religious and by the religious – comes from unquestioned assumptions. These unquestioned, unfounded assumptions are usually based on little more than the attitudes and concepts we picked up as children from our families, our peers, and our culture. They might have been someone else’s experiential assumption in a different time and place, but they may no longer be valid. Or they may be based on a one-time, never-repeated experience so powerful that a person based a life’s assumption upon it, and then passed it on to you. You assumed it was accurate. You assumed you could trust the source.

Assumptions are subtle and dangerous due to that subtlety. Even when they are mostly accurate, if they are never questioned, never grounded on something more than tradition, we accept the danger of operating our daily lives on the basis of something that may be relative to time, place, and preference.

Examining our assumptions is a basic first step toward living a life that is thoughtful and fulfilling. Here’s an exercise that can help you get started.

  • 1. Write down ten foundational beliefs you have. They may not be the “top ten” but you will probably think of the most important things first. If you have trouble getting started, ask yourself what you believe about these topics:  God/spirituality, family, relationships, work, your past, your personality, and money.
  • 2. Now comes the questioning. For each belief you wrote down, ask these questions: What is this belief based on? What is the source of this belief? What is the reasoning behind this belief? Has my personal experience repeatedly validated this belief? When did I choose to believe this?
  • 3. Based on your answers, you can determine if what you’ve written as a belief is that – something you have consciously chosen to put faith in based on reason and/or experience -  or if it is merely an assumption, something handed down to you that you simply accepted.
  • 4. Now what? The “beliefs” that turned out to be assumptions are not necessarily inaccurate; they just give you a starting point. Start digging. Start thinking. Do some research. Start looking for something true and real about these assumptions of yours. Are they worthwhile? Do they merit a place as a foundational belief that will influence the course of your life?

Image Courtesy of Jason McHuff on Flickr.

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