SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

Notes from a sermon by Dr. David Bailey titled How To Deal With Difficult People:

1. Don't expect the person to change.
2. Avoid retaliation.Don't take get-even actions and words. Go the opposite direction: turn the other cheek. Turn negative energy into positive outward response.
3. Love, which means a. do good to (Luke 6:27) and b. bless (speak well of them). Jesus defines love not as an emotion but as action. Not "feel good" but "do good." No matter how many true but negative things you know and could say, choose to bless instead. Step into the maturity of God's relationships.
4. Pray. Prayer comes not first, but last in the sequence. Accept first, let go of vengeance first, love first; then pray. It's important to keep that in mind.

So, I'm sitting there listening and I realize I don't know very many truly difficult people. Dr. Bailey defined a "difficult person" for us: someone who is emotionally unresponsive, self-centered, uncommunicative, blind to their faults, critical... I can think of one or two people who really fit that description, and none that I have to see regularly. Sure, there are lots of us who have some of those traits. Everybody is difficult sometimes.

I was tempted to tune out. Don't know any difficult people, don't need to know what to do with them, right? But then Dr. Bailey started talking about how to deal with these difficult people, and it hit me that these 4 little steps are what we women need. It's a manual on marriage. It's how we should treat our husbands.

Some of them are difficult people, certifiably so. Some of us are. But even if he's a great guy and you're a great gal, employing Step #1 alone would save most of the offenses and arguments that sneak up. If that didn't do it, Step #2 almost certainly would, and Step #3 would cover any loose ends. But we spiritual women-folks, we like to skip to Step #4. Especially if we can involve a friend or two for group prayer.

Silly women. Love first, pray later. Say it with me now. Love first, pray later.

Look, I can call you silly because I'm a woman too. Young, sure. Immature, sure. Full of myself, sure. Don't kill the messenger, ladies. Quit praying for your husband to shape up and be a better man, and start loving him and being a better woman. It's not that difficult (okay, I know sometimes that being nice is akin to ripping your heart from your chest, but do it anyway).

5 Minute Action Point:

Start applying the 4 difficult-people principles. Focus on accepting, not retaliating, and showing love in action by doing something nice. Here are five things you could do today that would be nice:
1. Give him a sweet kiss.
2. Ask him for one thing to do that would help him out today, then do it.
3. Be quiet. Yes, that's an official nice thing.
4. Thank him for something.
5. Cook him something he loves to eat.

None of that is so difficult, is it?

Image courtesy of Theodore99.

Day in, day out.
You wake up, you see him. You go to bed, you kiss him.
You pick up his socks. You make his dinner. You take care of his children.
You know his favorites, his jokes, his shirt size, his embarrassments, his dreams, how to fix his coffee.
You know him so well, in fact, that some days you don't notice him.

You walk by without a hug.
You leave the house without a kiss.
You end a phone call without an "I love you."
You have a conversation without smiling into his eyes.

Don't lose your boyfriend, your soul mate, your lover just because he is also your husband. Everything that you dreamed of, the way he made your heart race: it's all in there. What you crave in a companion is held in the heart of that man whose shirts you iron. Don't lose that love because the faithful day-by-day gets stale. You have to fight the mundane, fight the apathy, fight the lethargic rut you fall into.

5 Minute Action Point

Watch the video below, then think of a way you can make your husband smile like that by reminding him that he's not just your husband, or your old-faithful best friend: he's your breath-taking, heart-racing, one and only.

In a multitude of words, there wanteth not sin...

Honesty doesn't mean verbal vomit.

Honesty's good, right? And in our liberated time, we women should not only be honest, we should be just as loud in our honesty as any man. Right?

But what about what my Mama always said:

If you can't say anything nice... (you know the rest)

Don't say anything at all.

The more you talk, the more likely you are to say something stupid. It's just a simple statistical truth. The greater the whole, the greater your percentage of goofing up in it.

So we have a dilemma. Which is it? Be honest and tell your husband you hate the birthday gift, or be nice and keep quiet? Be honest and lambast him with how he's offended you over the last 10 days, or be sweet, overlook the offenses, and say nothing?

Isn't it dishonest to keep quiet and let him assume you love your plaid pajama kilt? Isn't it untruthful to hide your hurt feelings?

In a word: no. The habit of verbal vomit - spewing whatever nitpicks, nags, and nuances are uppermost in your mind - is a twisted, narcissistic way of communicating. It's not so much honesty as it is self-indulgence.

If you know that what you are about to say will be rude, unkind, discourteous, offensive, and/or hurtful, you have two (good) options: 1) Shut your mouth and keep it shut or 2) Find something else to say.

Sure, there are times you need to talk about difficult subjects. Honesty is important. Your feelings and preferences do matter. But piling one offense on top of another is not good communication. Choosing your words carefully and following Mama's advice is much better. Find a way to say what you need to say without offending, sarcasm, criticism...

If you can't say it nice, chances are it's better off unsaid.

5 Minute Action Point:

Go write down five wonderful, positive, encouraging things you can say to your husband. Read them over as many times as you can in five minutes (this helps you remember them). Next time you find yourself about to say something negative, discouraging, rude, sarcastic, or self-centered, make yourself say one of these positive statements instead.

Images courtesy of bluebetty.