They may not know it, but
I'm always close, watching, listening, protecting. Why? Right now, it's about guiding and training their behavior, protecting them from any sort of abuse, and guarding their little hearts from fear, insecurity, confusion.
That means I don't just blithely send them off to whatever activity or childcare is offered. My default is that they stay with me. I want to know what's going on with them, what they're experiencing. I have to be there to know that.

I choose very carefully the people who take care of them when I need a sitter - it's grandparents or Aunties or, very rarely, a single gal I know and trust who has a great track record with us. I have a few other standbys - married women who are raising/have raised kids in the same kind of protecting, nurturing way - but every there I'm careful, prayerful. Paranoid? Maybe, but I don't think so. These children - my children - are innocent little travelers in a big, rough world.

They'll grow up and be capable of handling it, but that's not for a while yet. Right now their hearts and minds are so tender, impressionable. A scary cartoon has a big effect. If I let them loose into a world of confusing, conflicting adult standards, the number of negative experiences would increase 1000%. Not all would be really bad. A kid doesn't have to be abused to become hurt, scared, and unsure about right and wrong.
I want my children to grow up to be adults who know right and wrong as absolutes and who have a positive, optimistic outlook. Differing standards and negative experiences undermine those two goals. No, I can't control everything. I'm not saying I always say no, or that I never let them out to learn and interact. I am saying this, though: I'm there.

I'm there to see what happens, to explain, to shield, to provide security and reason even when things are difficult. I tell my kids the truth. When our dog died, I told them. When they asked if Gigi (my step Mom) was my Mommy, I explained: No, my Mommy died. (Their answer: Like our doggie died? Yes, kids, death is death.)
They live in this fallen world too and they can't be shielded from all pain, nor should they be. But I'm in charge of their pain management. Joe and I are the interpreters of the world for them. When big scary things happen, we are there to put it in context for them. And you don't know what a big scary thing is to them unless you're there.

So. Unless one of my tried-and-true, trusted sitters is available, our kids stay with me. And even when the sitters are available, most of the time our kids stay with me. I love them. I want them with me. I want to be there. We leave them maybe twice a month for a date night out. Other times we have date night in (better dress code...).
I pass on most Mommy's Day Out, drop and shop, etc programs where there are way too many factors out of my control. Every week or two, when I get claustrophobic and need time to be me-sans-Mommyness, Joe keeps the kids at home and I go out for a couple of hours.

For classes and fun stuff like dance or gym or sports that I want them to be part of (and there aren't many), I make sure 1) it's a group deal with 2+ adults there at all times and 2) I stay and watch to see how things go for a while before I leave, IF I leave and 3) I'm always early for pickup time, to see how things wrap up and to be sure my child isn't left alone unsupervised or uncertain about what's net. I avoid situations that I can't predict with accuracy when it comes to leaving my children.

That's the place I've come to with my kids. They are very young right now, and as they grow we will have a bit more freedom. But I come back to this truth: these little people are given to me as a trust. No one else has the heart and instinct and mind to mother my children, because God gave that to me. I'm their Mom, and these days of intensive mothering are few and swiftly passing. I want to make the most of them.

(Poor kids. This means they're definitely going to end up weird like me. Mwahahaha.)

What do you think? How do you handle the endless opportunities for outings? What are you standards? How do you fit in alone time?

This post is part of the 30-Minute Blogging Challenge at SteadyMom.

I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly.  Tunafish casserole is at least as real as corporate stock. ~Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

Smart Moves for Morning

1. Get into a breakfast routine. It's okay to eat the same thing every day for breakfast, and it will help you be prepared and be sure you're eating something. Switch out week to week if you get bored.
2. Do some prep the night before: get the coffee ready to go, put out breakfast plates, go ahead and unload the dishwasher so it's not waiting for you.
3. Come in to a clean kitchen. At the minimum: put away food, wipe down counters, and put dirty dishes into hot, soapy water to soak. A step above: wash the dishes or load in the dishwasher. Leave only the dirtiest pots/pans soaking overnight.
4. Pack any to-go lunches the night before when you're putting food away. You're in the kitchen already; just get a lunch-sized Tupperware, plop in the leftovers, and put it in a lunch bag along with an apple, side salad, or baggie of carrots.
5. What you eat for breakfast doesn't have to be "traditional" according to American standards. Try something different: a boiled egg instead of scrambled, chicken salad in a pita, a grilled cheese sandwich, a cup of broth, fresh fruit salad, peanut butter on whole wheat crackers.

Save Time and Money

• Teach your kids to set the table and clear the table. Even very young children can set out place mats, napkins, and silverware. A 3 year old can learn to carefully carry her plate and scrape the scraps off of it, then set it on the counter. A 2 year old can take cloth napkins to the laundry room. Use the help you have!
• Simplify lunches at home for the kids. You don't need an elaborate spread. Leftovers always work. A sliced apple, a couple of pieces of cheese, and a few crackers make my kids happy. Or try a simple bagel sandwich, leftover veggies and a helping of cottage cheese, boiled eggs and fresh fruit.
• Always figure out dinner before lunch time. That way you have time to thaw meat, ransack the pantry, borrow a cup of sugar, whatever you need to do to get it ready without a freak-out at 5 p.m. And if you need hubby to pick something up on his way home, you can let him know sooner in the day; he can get it on his lunch break if he wants to and avoid the end-of-day rush at the store.
• Buy spices at the local Asian or Indian market. Curry, cumin, cinnamon, cardamom, and lots of others: good quality, low price.
• Don't buy vegetables and fruit you don't like unless you have a specific recipe to try with them. It's a waste to purchase food and let it rot, so go with the stuff you know you enjoy. When you find a recipe that looks appealing with a "new" food in it, try it along with other stuff you know you like. Give yourself a few times of trying before you decide if you like it or not. Familiarity is a powerful part of how we react to food.

Make a Better Salad

Copy the prepackaged salad concept - the ones with lettuce already washed, a little bag of toppings and a little bag of dresing - with your own salad ingredients.

• Wash, dry, and package your lettuce (see here for ideas on best ways to keep it fresh).
• Wash and chop your veggies; sort out your toppings into zip bags
• Make a batch of your favorite home-made dressing for the week.

When you want a salad, just...

• dump the lettuce in a bowl
• tear into pieces
• throw on some veggies
• add the toppings of choice
• and dress.

For a lunch bag, put the lettuce and veggies in a container, then add the bag of toppings and a small container of dressing on the side.

Try these topping/dressing combinations:

• dried cranberries, sunflower seeds, raspberry vinaigrette
• peanuts, shaved coconut,  diced cilantro, Asian lime dressing
• pecans, fresh blueberries, poppyseed dressing
• walnuts, dried apricots, fresh pear slices, poppyseed dressing
• garlic croutons, red pepper flakes, Italian or roasted garlic dressing
• sundried tomatoes, bacon bits, ranch dressing

Give it some heft with one of these babies:

• boiled eggs
• grilled chicken
• broiled fish (tilapia is awesome)
• tuna
• cheese
• beans

Remember that herbs add the zippydidooda. Keep fresh cilantro, parsley, basil, whatever your fave is: throw some chopped in with your lettuce or minced in with your dressing. Yum.

30-Minute Meals

Shrimp Stirfry and Rice. Make 4 cups of rice according to package directions; meanwhile, chop an onion, a bell pepper, and a head of broccoli; saute in oil until crisp-tender; throw in a package of frozen snow peas and some peeled shrimp; cook; season with garlic, pepper, soy or teriyaki. Serve veg-shrimp over rice.

Pasta with Tomato Cream Sauce. Cook pasta according to package directions; meanwhile, mince 4 cloves of garlic; heat olive oil in a large saute pan; add the garlic, cook till fragrant; add a 10 ounce can of tomato paste, 2 cups of water, and 1/2 cup of cream. Whisk together; season with salt, pepper, basil, oregano. Serve sauce over pasta.

Sausage Potato Soup. Peel 4 large potatoes, chop, and add to a pot of boiling water; let cook just under a boil for 20 minutes; meanwhile, slice a pound of kielbasa or smoked sausage into pieces. Drain the potatoes, reserving 2 cups of water; return potatoes and water to pot, add sausage and a can of creamed corn. Heat through, add a cup of milk, and season with salt and lots of pepper.

Ranch Burger Soup. Cook a pound of ground beef; drain off grease. Add beef to large pot; pour in 1 quart of chicken or vegetable broth and add whole kernel corn, cooked navy or kidney beans, diced tomatoes (fresh or canned, undrained), and a packet of Ranch seasoning. Add more water if you want it soupier. Cook until heated through. Serve over corn chips, top with grated cheddar.

This Week's Menu

I'm linked up with OrgJunkie's Menu Plan Monday; you should be, too!

• Winter Squash Soup, Deviled Eggs
• " Real Food" Hamburger Helper, Salad
• Cheesy Chicken Quesadillas with Homemade Tortillas
• Creamy Cajun Pasta, Salad
• Broiled Tilapia, Dilled Potato Salad, Sauteed Kale

Image courtesy of Zoha N.

R E S P E C T – Find Out What It Means

If you get one thing right in your marriage, make it this.

“...and let the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

Ephesians 5:33

We know the word as respect, but I think our dumbed-down version of respect doesn't quite catch it. What does reverence really mean? The Greek root word is the same used for fear and awe; it means to “venerate, to treat with deference or reverential obedience.” To show reverence is a serious thing (which means that to not show reverence where it is due is an equally serious thing).

The Amplified Bible gives us some synonyms: the wife who reverences her husband “notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him, defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.”

A One-Sided Story

Now go ahead and give me the reasons why you shouldn't have to show reverence to your husband. I'll wait.

Done?

Okay. Here's the answer.

The Lord who loves you and saves you is the same one who commands you to show reverence to your husband. Your husband may not deserve it; certainly he won't “deserve” it all the time, fallible and fallen creature that he is. The command still stands, and the tense is present continual: you are to be continually showing reverence to your husband.

It seems kind of one-sided, especially if you're married to a man who isn't doing his part to love you, his wife. But hold on. God is smarter than we think.

This Sounds Like Fun

Assuming you are a Christian, and assuming you wish to follow the Bible, you're now looking at a certain obligation to change some of your ways. Most of us probably don't intend to disrespect our husbands, but we aren't really familiar with what true reverence looks like.

What Reverence Is NOT

Myths of the “oh-so-reverent” wife:

• She wears a head covering at all times.
• She wears skirts and dresses, too, all the time.
• She never says no to her husband.
• She doesn't speak unless spoken too.
• She has no opinions.
• She can't think for herself.
• She is completely stifled.
• She never goes out of the house.

What Reverence IS

Habits of the reverent wife:

• She listens to her husband without interrupting.
• She protects his reputation (doesn't talk bad about her husband).
• She esteems his position (she doesn't make fun of her husband).
• She asks questions in a gentle tone.
• She gives her opinions without sarcasm, criticism, whining, or demanding.
• She makes his priorities her priorities.
• She is open and honest with her husband.
• She is aware of her husband's preferences and tries to accommodate them.
• She accepts his decisions.
• She acknowledges him as head of the house.
• She takes care of herself as a queenly figure should; she isn't mousy and resentful.

What Does That Look Like?

Every time God has brought this little matter of reverence to my attention (and there have been many times), I've always answered back with a little whiny voice, “But what does that even look like? I have no idea how that looks in real life!” That was my excuse: I just don't know how.

But really, I do. God never gives us a command we're not capable of carrying out. Let me give you a picture of me and Joe when I'm not showing respect, and me and Joe when I have a heart of reverence.

Me and Joe: Where Is Da Love, Baby?

It's been a long day. It's just before dinner and the kids are hitting the whiny, cranky stage. I've been doing housework all day and trying to write in between kid-catastrophes.

All day I've run across reminders of my husband: I pick up his dirty socks, I find his belt and wallet that he forgot, I have to make a phone call for him, I need to remind him of some bills to pay, and I keep tripping over the 2x4s he left in the hallway after building me a shelf.

My brain is talking like this:

Why can't he put his dirty socks in the laundry basket? It's right there!

Sheesh, he forgot his belt and wallet. He is so forgetful! Hope he doesn't need his wallet, because I'm not interrupting my day to take it all the way to work just because he couldn't remember it.

Oh, I've got to call that guy for Joe. Why do I have to do that? I am way behind and I have so much to do already.

These bills! He hasn't paid these yet! What if they're overdue? I guess I better remind him. It would be easier if I could just take care of the finances...

Ow, my shin! Good grief, why are these even here? He couldn't move these? They're way too big for me; he knows that. Why doesn't he clean up this mess?

When Joe gets home at the end of the day, he finds a few cranky kids being entertained by a mindless movie. He finds me in the kitchen making dinner. I stop and say hello, give him a little kiss, and immediately complain about my day, remind him of the bills, joke about his wallet that he forgot, and tell him how tired I am, hinting around that I've been working so hard and I could really use a break.

I see his shoulders droop but he bears up, smiles, and offers to take over for a while. I retreat to the bedroom, wondering why I don't feel better about getting a few minutes of silence.

Me and Joe: Happy Wife, Happy Life

It's been a long day. It's just before dinner and the kids are hitting the whiny, cranky stage. I'm tempted to just plop them in front of a movie and not deal with them, but I think about what Joe said. We talked last night about some behavior issues I'm having with the kids, and he gave me some ideas. I call the kids over, have a little talk, and put them to work with me, correcting them the way Joe suggested. I smile to myself; it's working! I can't wait to tell him.

All day long, I've run across reminders of my husband: I pick up his dirty socks, I find his belt and wallet that he forgot, I have to make a phone call for him, I need to remind him of some bills to pay, and I keep tripping over the 2x4s he left in the hallway after building me a shelf.

My brain is talking like this:

His dirty socks are always over here, but the laundry basket is way over there. Maybe if I move it we can get the two together. There. Wow, that really looks a lot better too.

Oh, he forgot his belt and wallet. He was in such a rush this morning because he fed Zeke and then got the fire going for me, it really put him behind. I'd better call and see if he's going to need his wallet. I could run it out there and take the kids for a treat.

I better stop and call that guy for Joe. I forgot it yesterday, and I know it's important to get this taken care of, and Joe doesn't have time at work.

Oh, no, these bills need to be paid. Maybe I could set these up on auto-pay so it won't be a problem. I'll ask Joe about that. I'm so glad he is handling all the bill-paying because it really stresses me out.

Ow, I hit my shin on that 2x4 again. Maybe I can wrangle these out to the garage. This shelf Joe built is perfect, it really gets it organized in here. I know he wanted to go snowboarding this weekend but he stayed home and built this for me instead. That man is awesome.

When Joe gets home at the end of the day, he finds a few happy kids helping their happy Mommy in the kitchen. The table is set and the whole house smells like roast and mashed potatoes, one of Joe's favorites. I set the kids up with a short movie and Joe and I retreat to the bedroom for a little chill time before dinner. He gives me a great big hug and asks about my day, smiles when I mention the bills and says he already paid them online. Then he throws his socks into the laundry basket.

5-Minute Marriage Check

I repeat: reverence is not about bowing down, kissing feet, and being a mousy, opinion-less woman-slave. It is about showing respect to your husband as a person and as the leader of the family.

Reverence is a change in attitude that results in changed behavior.

For today's marriage check, just observe.

• Observe the conversations you have with your husband: how many times do you correct him, tell him what to do, or make a snide remark?
• Observe yourself in action: how many times do you sigh in exasperation, redo something he's done, raise your eyebrows at him, purse your lips at him (and not in a kissable way), roll your eyes, or ignore him?

Those ways of speaking and acting that communicate disrespect are tearing down your marriage.

A wise woman builds her house but a foolish woman tears it down herself.

Are you being wise or foolish?

5-Minute Action Point

From your observations, choose one way of speaking and one way of acting that communicate disrespect. Your job is to change those habits into speech and action that communicate the deep respect, the reverence, that God commands you to have for your husband.

Here are a few examples:

• Stop interrupting him and finishing his sentences; start making eye contact while you listen and waiting until he finishes to respond.
• Stop telling him what you want him to do; start asking him about his plans instead. (“What do you want to do tonight? What are your plans for the evening? What do you need help with? What do you want to work on?”)
• Stop rolling your eyes and redoing his efforts to help; start thanking him with sincerity for what he does and letting go of your need for things to be done your way.

Reverencing your husband is a sure way to show him your unconditional love and acceptance.

Image courtesy of yomi955.

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This post is Day 8 of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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We have made it through week 1.

So - what did we learn? Did we learn anything? I learned this very important truth: as soon as I start a focused writing project about marriage, I do the MOST STUPID stupid-wife stuff possible. Like whine, and nag, and give the silent treatment, and get mad at nothing, and take offense over things I know he didn't mean that way, and not make time, and not pay attention, and get distracted, and upset, and say things like, "Hi honey welcome home i hope you have a good day i haven't made dinner because i'm too busy writing this marriage stuff and i don't have time to talk right now the kids are screaming could you get them thanks love you okay don't talk to me i'm in the middle of a sentence bye."

Beautiful. Obviously I've got this marriage thing down pat.

Let's Review

• We don't mean to end up hurt, apathetic, lonely, or separated in our marriages... but it happens when we don't pay attention.
• We don't have to settle for a marriage that is mediocre.  {from Day 1}
• Expectations are deadly little beasts.
• A demanding spirit can never be content. {from Day 2}
• Men shouldn't joke about their wives earlobes (or something like that...)
• Start believing the best about your husband, and you'll start getting it. {from Day 3}
• You can only change yourself. {from Day 4}
• Friction isn't always a bad thing.
• I LOVE quality time. {from Day 5}
• People are stupid...
• ...but we still shouldn't try to control them. {from Day 6}
• Normal changes. {from Day 7}

So what's working in your marriage? Have you made any changes? What are you working on?