There Is No Perfect

...at least not here on earth. In the meantime, here on earth, imperfect earth, there are only two options (neither is perfection): reality and fantasy. The things you actually do enter reality and you benefit from them, even if they're mediocre or imperfect. Some benefit is better than none. Small steps are better than standing still. But when you ignore, delay, procrastinate... nothing is real. Nothing becomes real.

The Myth of Failure

All the possibilities stay in the realm of fantasy, and you're stuck there, a prisoner to all the things that might happen. The fantasy of failure and the fantasy of success are equally unproductive and equally unlikely as long as you sit.
But if you take small steps, tiny steps, make daily efforts toward success? Even when you mess up, you're still bringing some measure of success into reality. And that's when you start seeing failure as it is: a myth.
The only real failure is the failure to move, to try, to risk, to work.

Quit Setting Ho-Hum Goals

If your goals were such that you knew you could reach immediate and perfect success in them, they wouldn't be very inspiring, would they?
Big goals inspire us to take on big challenges, face big fears, do more, be more than we knew we could. But you don't get that sitting still. Sit still on anything and you'll stay the same, while things around you slowly, surely deteriorate.
Something you'll accomplish immediately and perfectly isn't worthy of being called a goal. It's an item on our to-do list. Do it and then find something bigger, scarier, riskier, more exciting, more rewarding for a real goal. "You must do the thing you think you cannot do," said Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt.

You Have No Idea What You're Capable Of

The truth is, you have no idea what you're capable of and almost every one of us estimates far, far too low. We were made in the image of God! The dreams and goals we have - both the ones we cherish and the ones forced upon us by circumstances - are God's way of waking us up to our own potential. It's like His hand is on your shoulder, shaking you awake, saying, "Come on, this will be fun! You can do this! I wouldn't ask you to if you couldn't."
And you can either jump up and follow Him and try and see yourself succeed, or you can clench your eyes shut, hide under the covers, and rot.

Your call.

"Oh, hmm, well, I guess I'll take the rotting option. Yeah. That sounds peachy."
Okay... have fun with that, really. Me? I'm getting out of bed. I'm awake, I'm interested, I'm ready. My motto: "Find something I can't do. I DARE you."

You Can't... Unless You Want To

Are there things I can't do? Sure! Lots of them. And I'll find them, but for every one thing I find that I can't, I'll find a hundred that I can.
I've gotten a lot of "You can't" messages in life. We all do, because the world is looking for the lowest common denominator. It's a way of making every lazy, fearful person feel better about sticking their heads under a pillow instead of living. We measure ourselves by each other (even though that's a silly thing to do).
You can listen to the messages of a society which has obviously and repeatedly proved its own lack of intelligence. If that's where you go for your guide to life... well, you'll have a socially acceptable, ho-hum-boring life. You won't be a mover and a shaker, a trend-setter, a record-breaker. You won't inspire or enlighten or challenge. You'll be just another individual in the mass of individuals who want nothing more than to hide their individuality. Enjoy.
You might want to invest in a better mattress because you'll be spending a lot of time in it.

Or.

Or. That's the best two-letter word in the English language, don't you think?
Or.
Or you can take all the "you-can't" lines you've been given and throw them out the window.
"You can't have a happy marriage." (But I do!)
"You can't have a baby at home." (But I did, three of them, in fact.)
"You can't survive on one income." (But we are!)
"You can't make it without health insurance." (But here we are, healthy.)
"You can't find time to write while you're a Mom."
"You can't get out of debt."
"You can't be happy."
"You can't be faithful to your spouse."
"You can't find good friends."
"You can't accomplish big things without money."
"You can't own a business."
"You can't finish school."
"You can't make a decision."
"You can't succeed."
"You can't write a book."
"You can't change."
"You can't make money at the work you love."
"You can't, you can't, you can't...".
What are the "you-can'ts" in your world? I have one final sentence for you, the only "you-can't" worth using:
"You can't tell me what to do."

They're Just Little Obstacles

Most of the reasons that "you can't" do not actually touch the reason why you should. They're not really reasons for failure. They're just excuses for other people who are scared. They're just little obstacles to your inevitable success. Step over them. Step around them. Build a bridge. Keep moving!

Refuse to be the lowest common denominator. Refuse to be anything but the full breadth of your potential.
-
Image courtesy of notsogoodphotography.

There are two kinds of women in the world: those who can wear high heels and those who can't.
But that has nothing to do with this article. Let's start over.

There are two kinds of women in the world: those whose sex drive is weaker than their husbands' and those whose sex drive is stronger than their husbands'.

There's a possibility of a third, minority group of women whose luck in life is to have a sex drive exactly matched by their husbands', but I've yet to meet one. Or maybe I've met one and I just didn't realize it, because that's not the sort of thing you write on your name tag. "Hello, I'm Louise and I'm one of the few happy women whose sex drive is spot on with her husband!" Yeah. It would make for a large name tag, and they always make your lapel look goofy as it is. If you're wearing something with lapels, that is, which these days is as rare as a steak that's still mooing.

Anyway, back to the two kinds of women.
Right off the bat you know which one you are, don't you? That's okay, though, you don't have to tell me. I've conducted a survey, and according to the non-scientific results of my poll, it seems that each scenario is equally common. Yeah, you read that right, you sex-crazed women.

You're not weird or anything, we're just dealing with the residual effect of a fifties-Americana housewife stereotype. You know, the gal who was always baking a pie or vacuuming or holding her new wonder-cleaning product in well-manicured hands. The one whose smile always had that gleaming tooth. The one who most definitely never initiated sex. That one. I just have one thing to say about her:
Why do you think she was always wearing a skirt?

Ponder that.

There's no real rocket science to this subject matter. It's really just another look into the way you're different than the man you married. Either he wants sex more often than you do, or you want sex more often than he does. And, as with all differences that exist between a woman and her husband, this one is superb for generating miscommunication, hurt feelings, anger, frustration, and large expenditures on new lingerie. Not that the last one's a bad thing, necessarily...

Here's where it gets touchy, though. (Touchy... get it? Ha, ha, ha...wait. Why am I the only one laughing?) People seem to have a hard time talking about sex. (Hard time... get... oh never mind.) Well, people talk about sex all the time, actually. They make jokes about it, have casual conversations about it, make endless innuendos about it... but when it comes to a real, honest talk about it with their mate-for-life? AH! Shame, embarrassment, chagrin, fear, stress. The crassness of our culture gives us an infinite supply of dirty jokes and sexual stereotypes, but it doesn't give us any real ways of talking about sex.

Try having a serious conversation about sex and see how many terms come to mind that are demeaning or humorous or just make you feel like a 5th-grader.

The thing is, sex makes us vulnerable. Our culture treats it lightly (and crassly) as a way of covering up the vulnerability without abstaining from the sex. Well, that's great for them (though I have my doubts about the effectiveness of the method) but for two people who are married, vulnerability isn't something we need to avoid. And if we could come to terms with being vulnerable, we could have the conversations we need to have.

Something like this:

The wife whose husband wants sex more often than she does might say, "Honey, I love you and I want you, but I don't want you all the time. I don't know how to explain that because I'm afraid you'll feel hurt or rejected or unwanted, but that's not it at all. I'm just not built the same as you, and sometimes I can't respond the same way you do. I need you to give me a way to be who I am without feeling guilty, angry, and resentful. I need you to help me find the time and the way to switch from being busy, working, stressed to just being with you. Sometimes it takes me a while to get there. It doesn't mean I don't want or need you, it just means I need your patience and understanding."

The wife whose husband wants sex less often than she does might say, "Honey, I love you and I know you want me, but when I initiate and you're not interested I feel so rejected. I know we're different people, but my self-esteem and identity as a woman is all tied up in how sexy you think I am. When you're not interested in sex and I am, I feel rejected not just as your wife but as a woman. I start questioning everything about myself - my looks, my body, my desirability, your love, my sex appeal. I really need affirmation from you. I need help to understand that you still find me appealing and desirable, but you need time to switch gears, too."

I don't know. What if we could have conversations like that? What if we could broach the subject without being silly or oversensitive? Would that change things? Would it improve our relationships? I think so. I think it would remove much of the stress. And I think if some of the stress were removed from the whole subject, we would have a lot more fun.

Fun is good.

Oh, by the way, did you figure out which kind of woman I am?

--

Images courtesy of mistress_f and x ray delta one.

Focus is key in getting things done. Be diligent at what you're good at and see what happens. Let other things go, unimportant things.
Distraction is the enemy of focus. Planning becomes procrastination and procrastination is the enemy of action.
What distracts us?

Distraction #1: Prep Work

Before I can write or exercise or go here or fix that, I need to... get my gear, do my research, find my tools, what-have-you.
Solution: set aside a designated prep time. Take 5 minutes and list what needs to be done to get ready, then do it as quickly as possible. Set a time limit and don't go over it.
And, once you're prepared, note what that looks like and change your habits a bit so you now keep all your gear in one accessible place.

Distraction #2: Opportunities

We love opportunity in America. It feels anti-American to hear opportunity knocking and not answer the door. I am telling you right now it's okay. Lock the door. Deadbolt it, turn off the lights, and hide under the kitchen table so Opportunity thinks you're not home.
We're blessed because we live in a world where anything is possible. With endless possibility though is endless distraction. If you don't focus on a few possibilities, then none of them will become reality.
Solution: Make a list (big) of your top goals, your priorities, your Absolute Yes list. Tape it up. Compare every single opportunity to it, and only consider the ones that get you closer to your goals.

Distraction #3: Details

Details matter, but there's a time to focus on them and a time to pretend they don't exist. As a writer, I can easily slip into detail-edit mode while I'm writing. I break my flow, my concentration, by nitpicking over a word choice. I have to make myself focus on the writing and ignore the "detail" monitor in my head. Once I get a piece written, it's time to go to edit mode.
If you're organizing your house, teaching your kids, or writing a book, you deal with the same tendency. You have to fight that perfectionist tendency (need matching containers and a labeler, need new crayons and stickers and better curriculum) in order to get the job done.
Solution: Break projects and steps toward your goal into two parts: 1) get it done and 2) fix the details. Set a time limit to complete the first part: get it done. Then, if you have time left over and you still really want to, you can go back and fix the details. Often I find that my attention to detail was really just a way of procrastinating. I might be overwhelmed or tired, and I'm looking for a way to avoid the work altogether. Quit letting yourself make excuses, set a short time limit, focus, and do all you can. Then quit!

Distraction #4: Side Issues

Rabbit trails tend to lead us on interesting journeys but at the end, we end up lost. "Where am I? Why am I here? What am I doing?" You know that dazed feeling? It comes from this common problem: letting a related side issue pull you so far off course you can't remember where you started.
I'm sweeping the kitchen when I find a toy on the floor, so I leave the broom and take it to the toy box, when I notice the toys are all mixed in a jumble and I've been meaning to sort them so I start sorting them, find a pencil, leave the toys to go put the pencil away, notice the dining room table looks awful, get out a new tablecloth, start looking for candles for the centerpiece, wander out, trip over the broom and wonder what it's doing there.
Ehhhh. Nobody wants a day like that, but we let it happen to ourselves all the time.
Solution: Keep a notebook handy, or a list on the fridge; keep a small basket handy too. When you're working, drop the random out-of-place stuff in the basket. Jot notes on the notepad to remind you of stuff to do later. Deal with it later, after you've finished your current task.

Another solution: Get in the habit of checking off each task as you complete it. This means you'll want to write it down first, of course, and if you're not already using a planner or list of some sort, you should because it will take a load off your brain. Finish a task, check it off. This reminds you to stick to it, gives you that little high from getting to mark it done, and shows you what's next on the list. It's a win-win-er...win situation.
Online solution: Since the Internet is basically just email with 10 trillion side issues attached, a click away, this is a big problem for, well, anyone who checks email. A few ideas for solving this:

• use a reader for your blog subscriptions (thus yr not distracted by the cute sidebar ads and buttons)
• use an email client which downloads your emails into a desktop interface
• keep a note of 'want to check out later' either on yr computer, in an email draft, or on a real piece of paper. have some designated 'computer free time' to check that stuff out later.
• have 'focused computer time' and free computer time. and OFF-SCREEN time. Too. Lots of it.
• employ the 5-second rule. you click, you're at a new site, you've got 5 seconds. Is it worth your time or not? There's so much good stuff that you don't need to waste time on the mediocre. If it's not great, let it go. Close the tab. If it is great, add it to your reader, book mark it, put it on your list.

The end.

Freedom from distraction is freedom to focus.

Freedom to focus is freedom to accomplish.

All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify. (1 Corinthians 10.23)

This post is part of Steady Mom's 30-Minute Blogging Challenge.

It is 8:30 on a Saturday night and I am about to gorge myself on good chocolate and books. I am full of resolution. I am full of cheer. I am alone with the hot running water, in a cocoon the color of the shower curtain. My library loot is stacked beside me on the handmade, colored "Mara HEARTS Daddy" step stool. A pile of Ghirardellis on the ledge of the tub, next to my bottle of cold water.

Joe's out snowboarding, the 3-under-3 are sleeping, and tonight I'm kicking it Mommy-style. Mommy after 3 days of no-routines, messy-house, movie-overload, good-times chaos. Mommy after 3 days of feeling slightly guilty that she has trouble going with the flow and that
she kind of resents the extra work that results from all this fun.

This is Mommy after 3 days of fun which were, somehow, more work than the non-holiday, normal routine days.
Oh, life, life, life.

Mommy pops the dark chocolate square in her mouth, grabs the book on top of the stack, sinks down into the hot water...
And thinks.
Holidays, birthdays, special days are a lot of work, but she loves them for some reason.
Building traditions seems pointless, sometimes, but she won't quit trying.

She reminds herself of a truth both promising and frightening: they grow up. Mommyhood at this level - this diaper-changing, baby-food-making, potty training, everything-training level - doesn't last.

No time off. No paid vacation. Heck, no unpaid vacation.
But life. Moments. Memories of Mara's face concentrating, of Robbie's sleepytime snuggles, of Zeke's insistent crawling delight.
Life is a mess, life is messy, life is exhausting, life takes everything she's got.
And this life, these moments are hers to savor, to tuck away, to ponder in her heart. Is this what Mary felt like, holding a baby Jesus, knowing, somehow, that the things to come would be more than she could understand or bear? Did she grab those peaceful moments, those "normal" Mommy moments, did she savor them, tuck them away, and hold on to them while pondering all the prophecies of what would come for her baby boy?

I am so glad the future is unwritten for my children, unknown by the Mommy. I can handle one day at a time, at most; one hour at a time, one moment at time, one step at a time.

But there's a balance of looking forward in order to be present. You have to realize that the children grow, that the future comes in order to value this moment, in order to not be overwhelmed by the repetition of Mommylife in this stage. So we walk a tightrope. Too much focus on the future and we miss this beautiful moment. Too much focus on the moment and we can so easily miss how valuable it is.

I think the thing to do is hold that truth deep in our hearts, like Mary must have done: these moments are precious, are few. God has given us our children for this short time, to hold and nurture and cherish and teach, but He did not send them into the world just for us. He sent each one of our precious children for a particular purpose, and the time will come, swiftly come, when we will need to step back and release them.

And we will be so very, very glad then to have those moments tucked away, to pull them out and savor those memories even as we watch in awe at what our grown-up children do and become for the glory of God.

Mary, mother of Jesus: she had to see the extreme of every mother's fear. God does not call most of us to such a test, but still there will come times when, as my children grow, I will need to stand still and let them hurt and struggle as they pursue the will of God. This time and this culture does not make it easy to follow God with passion and persistence.

If I train my children right, they will be made fun of. They will be misunderstood. They will not fit in. They will be scorned, hurt, mocked, questioned, criticized, persecuted to some degree. If I don't train them, they'll fit right in with the culture. They'll default to what surrounds them. They'll have easier lives, but I will mourn.

My greatest joy is to know that my children walk in truth. And that brings me back to what I was thinking that night, resting my head on the cold bathtub ledge, pondering how exhausting it is to be a Mommy but how rewarding, too.

I look forward to the joy I will have, if I do my job right. No, not perfectly. The grace of God is the most important element in my parenting. But I will run this race with endurance, I will look forward to the joy of watching my children walk in truth. I will love them, teach them, build traditions with them, talk with them, discipline them, hug them. I will savor these moments and tuck them away, and I will ponder the calling of God upon the lives of my children.