The other stuff is icing; this is the cake.
R E S P E C T – Find Out What It Means
If you get one thing right in your marriage, make it this.
“…and let the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
Ephesians 5:33
We know the word as respect, but I think our dumbed-down version of respect doesn’t quite catch it. What does reverence really mean? The Greek root word is the same used for fear and awe; it means to “venerate, to treat with deference or reverential obedience.” To show reverence is a serious thing (which means that to not show reverence where it is due is an equally serious thing).
The Amplified Bible gives us some synonyms: the wife who reverences her husband “notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him, defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.”
A One-Sided Story
Now go ahead and give me the reasons why you shouldn’t have to show reverence to your husband. I’ll wait.
Done?
Okay. Here’s the answer.
The Lord who loves you and saves you is the same one who commands you to show reverence to your husband. Your husband may not deserve it; certainly he won’t “deserve” it all the time, fallible and fallen creature that he is. The command still stands, and the tense is present continual: you are to be continually showing reverence to your husband.
It seems kind of one-sided, especially if you’re married to a man who isn’t doing his part to love you, his wife. But hold on. God is smarter than we think.
This Sounds Like Fun
Assuming you are a Christian, and assuming you wish to follow the Bible, you’re now looking at a certain obligation to change some of your ways. Most of us probably don’t intend to disrespect our husbands, but we aren’t really familiar with what true reverence looks like.
What Reverence Is NOT
Myths of the “oh-so-reverent” wife:
- She wears a head covering at all times.
- She wears skirts and dresses, too, all the time.
- She never says no to her husband.
- She doesn’t speak unless spoken too.
- She has no opinions.
- She can’t think for herself.
- She is completely stifled.
- She never goes out of the house.
What Reverence IS
Habits of the reverent wife:
- She listens to her husband without interrupting.
- She protects his reputation (doesn’t talk bad about her husband).
- She esteems his position (she doesn’t make fun of her husband).
- She asks questions in a gentle tone.
- She gives her opinions without sarcasm, criticism, whining, or demanding.
- She makes his priorities her priorities.
- She is open and honest with her husband.
- She is aware of her husband’s preferences and tries to accommodate them.
- She accepts his decisions.
- She acknowledges him as head of the house.
- She takes care of herself as a queenly figure should; she isn’t mousy and resentful.
What Does That Look Like?
Every time God has brought this little matter of reverence to my attention (and there have been many times), I’ve always answered back with a little whiny voice, “But what does that even look like? I have no idea how that looks in real life!” That was my excuse: I just don’t know how.
But really, I do. God never gives us a command we’re not capable of carrying out. Let me give you a picture of me and Joe when I’m not showing respect, and me and Joe when I have a heart of reverence.
Me and Joe: Where Is Da Love, Baby?
It’s been a long day. It’s just before dinner and the kids are hitting the whiny, cranky stage. I’ve been doing housework all day and trying to write in between kid-catastrophes.
All day I’ve run across reminders of my husband: I pick up his dirty socks, I find his belt and wallet that he forgot, I have to make a phone call for him, I need to remind him of some bills to pay, and I keep tripping over the 2x4s he left in the hallway after building me a shelf.
My brain is talking like this:
Why can’t he put his dirty socks in the laundry basket? It’s right there!
Sheesh, he forgot his belt and wallet. He is so forgetful! Hope he doesn’t need his wallet, because I’m not interrupting my day to take it all the way to work just because he couldn’t remember it.
Oh, I’ve got to call that guy for Joe. Why do I have to do that? I am way behind and I have so much to do already.
These bills! He hasn’t paid these yet! What if they’re overdue? I guess I better remind him. It would be easier if I could just take care of the finances…
Ow, my shin! Good grief, why are these even here? He couldn’t move these? They’re way too big for me; he knows that. Why doesn’t he clean up this mess?
When Joe gets home at the end of the day, he finds a few cranky kids being entertained by a mindless movie. He finds me in the kitchen making dinner. I stop and say hello, give him a little kiss, and immediately complain about my day, remind him of the bills, joke about his wallet that he forgot, and tell him how tired I am, hinting around that I’ve been working so hard and I could really use a break.
I see his shoulders droop but he bears up, smiles, and offers to take over for a while. I retreat to the bedroom, wondering why I don’t feel better about getting a few minutes of silence.
Me and Joe: Happy Wife, Happy Life
It’s been a long day. It’s just before dinner and the kids are hitting the whiny, cranky stage. I’m tempted to just plop them in front of a movie and not deal with them, but I think about what Joe said. We talked last night about some behavior issues I’m having with the kids, and he gave me some ideas. I call the kids over, have a little talk, and put them to work with me, correcting them the way Joe suggested. I smile to myself; it’s working! I can’t wait to tell him.
All day long, I’ve run across reminders of my husband: I pick up his dirty socks, I find his belt and wallet that he forgot, I have to make a phone call for him, I need to remind him of some bills to pay, and I keep tripping over the 2x4s he left in the hallway after building me a shelf.
My brain is talking like this:
His dirty socks are always over here, but the laundry basket is way over there. Maybe if I move it we can get the two together. There. Wow, that really looks a lot better too.
Oh, he forgot his belt and wallet. He was in such a rush this morning because he fed Zeke and then got the fire going for me, it really put him behind. I’d better call and see if he’s going to need his wallet. I could run it out there and take the kids for a treat.
I better stop and call that guy for Joe. I forgot it yesterday, and I know it’s important to get this taken care of, and Joe doesn’t have time at work.
Oh, no, these bills need to be paid. Maybe I could set these up on auto-pay so it won’t be a problem. I’ll ask Joe about that. I’m so glad he is handling all the bill-paying because it really stresses me out.
Ow, I hit my shin on that 2×4 again. Maybe I can wrangle these out to the garage. This shelf Joe built is perfect, it really gets it organized in here. I know he wanted to go snowboarding this weekend but he stayed home and built this for me instead. That man is awesome.
When Joe gets home at the end of the day, he finds a few happy kids helping their happy Mommy in the kitchen. The table is set and the whole house smells like roast and mashed potatoes, one of Joe’s favorites. I set the kids up with a short movie and Joe and I retreat to the bedroom for a little chill time before dinner. He gives me a great big hug and asks about my day, smiles when I mention the bills and says he already paid them online. Then he throws his socks into the laundry basket.
5-Minute Marriage Check
I repeat: reverence is not about bowing down, kissing feet, and being a mousy, opinion-less woman-slave. It is about showing respect to your husband as a person and as the leader of the family.
Reverence is a change in attitude that results in changed behavior.
For today’s marriage check, just observe.
- Observe the conversations you have with your husband: how many times do you correct him, tell him what to do, or make a snide remark?
- Observe yourself in action: how many times do you sigh in exasperation, redo something he’s done, raise your eyebrows at him, purse your lips at him (and not in a kissable way), roll your eyes, or ignore him?
Those ways of speaking and acting that communicate disrespect are tearing down your marriage.
A wise woman builds her house but a foolish woman tears it down herself.
Are you being wise or foolish?
5-Minute Action Point
From your observations, choose one way of speaking and one way of acting that communicate disrespect. Your job is to change those habits into speech and action that communicate the deep respect, the reverence, that God commands you to have for your husband.
Here are a few examples:
- Stop interrupting him and finishing his sentences; start making eye contact while you listen and waiting until he finishes to respond.
- Stop telling him what you want him to do; start asking him about his plans instead. (“What do you want to do tonight? What are your plans for the evening? What do you need help with? What do you want to work on?”)
- Stop rolling your eyes and redoing his efforts to help; start thanking him with sincerity for what he does and letting go of your need for things to be done your way.
Reverencing your husband is a sure way to show him your unconditional love and acceptance.
Image courtesy of
yomi955.
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This post is Day 8 of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.
It’s a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We’ll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We’ll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we’ve picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day’s reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.
Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.
Here’s to better, stronger, happier marriages!
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