SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

The other stuff is icing; this is the cake.

R E S P E C T – Find Out What It Means

If you get one thing right in your marriage, make it this.

“...and let the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

Ephesians 5:33

We know the word as respect, but I think our dumbed-down version of respect doesn't quite catch it. What does reverence really mean? The Greek root word is the same used for fear and awe; it means to “venerate, to treat with deference or reverential obedience.” To show reverence is a serious thing (which means that to not show reverence where it is due is an equally serious thing).

The Amplified Bible gives us some synonyms: the wife who reverences her husband “notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him, defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.”

A One-Sided Story

Now go ahead and give me the reasons why you shouldn't have to show reverence to your husband. I'll wait.

Done?

Okay. Here's the answer.

The Lord who loves you and saves you is the same one who commands you to show reverence to your husband. Your husband may not deserve it; certainly he won't “deserve” it all the time, fallible and fallen creature that he is. The command still stands, and the tense is present continual: you are to be continually showing reverence to your husband.

It seems kind of one-sided, especially if you're married to a man who isn't doing his part to love you, his wife. But hold on. God is smarter than we think.

This Sounds Like Fun

Assuming you are a Christian, and assuming you wish to follow the Bible, you're now looking at a certain obligation to change some of your ways. Most of us probably don't intend to disrespect our husbands, but we aren't really familiar with what true reverence looks like.

What Reverence Is NOT

Myths of the “oh-so-reverent” wife:

• She wears a head covering at all times.
• She wears skirts and dresses, too, all the time.
• She never says no to her husband.
• She doesn't speak unless spoken too.
• She has no opinions.
• She can't think for herself.
• She is completely stifled.
• She never goes out of the house.

What Reverence IS

Habits of the reverent wife:

• She listens to her husband without interrupting.
• She protects his reputation (doesn't talk bad about her husband).
• She esteems his position (she doesn't make fun of her husband).
• She asks questions in a gentle tone.
• She gives her opinions without sarcasm, criticism, whining, or demanding.
• She makes his priorities her priorities.
• She is open and honest with her husband.
• She is aware of her husband's preferences and tries to accommodate them.
• She accepts his decisions.
• She acknowledges him as head of the house.
• She takes care of herself as a queenly figure should; she isn't mousy and resentful.

What Does That Look Like?

Every time God has brought this little matter of reverence to my attention (and there have been many times), I've always answered back with a little whiny voice, “But what does that even look like? I have no idea how that looks in real life!” That was my excuse: I just don't know how.

But really, I do. God never gives us a command we're not capable of carrying out. Let me give you a picture of me and Joe when I'm not showing respect, and me and Joe when I have a heart of reverence.

Me and Joe: Where Is Da Love, Baby?

It's been a long day. It's just before dinner and the kids are hitting the whiny, cranky stage. I've been doing housework all day and trying to write in between kid-catastrophes.

All day I've run across reminders of my husband: I pick up his dirty socks, I find his belt and wallet that he forgot, I have to make a phone call for him, I need to remind him of some bills to pay, and I keep tripping over the 2x4s he left in the hallway after building me a shelf.

My brain is talking like this:

Why can't he put his dirty socks in the laundry basket? It's right there!

Sheesh, he forgot his belt and wallet. He is so forgetful! Hope he doesn't need his wallet, because I'm not interrupting my day to take it all the way to work just because he couldn't remember it.

Oh, I've got to call that guy for Joe. Why do I have to do that? I am way behind and I have so much to do already.

These bills! He hasn't paid these yet! What if they're overdue? I guess I better remind him. It would be easier if I could just take care of the finances...

Ow, my shin! Good grief, why are these even here? He couldn't move these? They're way too big for me; he knows that. Why doesn't he clean up this mess?

When Joe gets home at the end of the day, he finds a few cranky kids being entertained by a mindless movie. He finds me in the kitchen making dinner. I stop and say hello, give him a little kiss, and immediately complain about my day, remind him of the bills, joke about his wallet that he forgot, and tell him how tired I am, hinting around that I've been working so hard and I could really use a break.

I see his shoulders droop but he bears up, smiles, and offers to take over for a while. I retreat to the bedroom, wondering why I don't feel better about getting a few minutes of silence.

Me and Joe: Happy Wife, Happy Life

It's been a long day. It's just before dinner and the kids are hitting the whiny, cranky stage. I'm tempted to just plop them in front of a movie and not deal with them, but I think about what Joe said. We talked last night about some behavior issues I'm having with the kids, and he gave me some ideas. I call the kids over, have a little talk, and put them to work with me, correcting them the way Joe suggested. I smile to myself; it's working! I can't wait to tell him.

All day long, I've run across reminders of my husband: I pick up his dirty socks, I find his belt and wallet that he forgot, I have to make a phone call for him, I need to remind him of some bills to pay, and I keep tripping over the 2x4s he left in the hallway after building me a shelf.

My brain is talking like this:

His dirty socks are always over here, but the laundry basket is way over there. Maybe if I move it we can get the two together. There. Wow, that really looks a lot better too.

Oh, he forgot his belt and wallet. He was in such a rush this morning because he fed Zeke and then got the fire going for me, it really put him behind. I'd better call and see if he's going to need his wallet. I could run it out there and take the kids for a treat.

I better stop and call that guy for Joe. I forgot it yesterday, and I know it's important to get this taken care of, and Joe doesn't have time at work.

Oh, no, these bills need to be paid. Maybe I could set these up on auto-pay so it won't be a problem. I'll ask Joe about that. I'm so glad he is handling all the bill-paying because it really stresses me out.

Ow, I hit my shin on that 2x4 again. Maybe I can wrangle these out to the garage. This shelf Joe built is perfect, it really gets it organized in here. I know he wanted to go snowboarding this weekend but he stayed home and built this for me instead. That man is awesome.

When Joe gets home at the end of the day, he finds a few happy kids helping their happy Mommy in the kitchen. The table is set and the whole house smells like roast and mashed potatoes, one of Joe's favorites. I set the kids up with a short movie and Joe and I retreat to the bedroom for a little chill time before dinner. He gives me a great big hug and asks about my day, smiles when I mention the bills and says he already paid them online. Then he throws his socks into the laundry basket.

5-Minute Marriage Check

I repeat: reverence is not about bowing down, kissing feet, and being a mousy, opinion-less woman-slave. It is about showing respect to your husband as a person and as the leader of the family.

Reverence is a change in attitude that results in changed behavior.

For today's marriage check, just observe.

• Observe the conversations you have with your husband: how many times do you correct him, tell him what to do, or make a snide remark?
• Observe yourself in action: how many times do you sigh in exasperation, redo something he's done, raise your eyebrows at him, purse your lips at him (and not in a kissable way), roll your eyes, or ignore him?

Those ways of speaking and acting that communicate disrespect are tearing down your marriage.

A wise woman builds her house but a foolish woman tears it down herself.

Are you being wise or foolish?

5-Minute Action Point

From your observations, choose one way of speaking and one way of acting that communicate disrespect. Your job is to change those habits into speech and action that communicate the deep respect, the reverence, that God commands you to have for your husband.

Here are a few examples:

• Stop interrupting him and finishing his sentences; start making eye contact while you listen and waiting until he finishes to respond.
• Stop telling him what you want him to do; start asking him about his plans instead. (“What do you want to do tonight? What are your plans for the evening? What do you need help with? What do you want to work on?”)
• Stop rolling your eyes and redoing his efforts to help; start thanking him with sincerity for what he does and letting go of your need for things to be done your way.

Reverencing your husband is a sure way to show him your unconditional love and acceptance.

Image courtesy of yomi955.

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This post is Day 8 of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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Dear friends and readers:
I apologize for my extended and unexplained absence. Sometimes those petty things like life, housework, and motherhood get in the way of my blogging...
But hope springeth eternal! And not even mammoth piles of laundry, crying children, or a hungry husband can keep me away forever!
I am very excited about the new year we are approaching. I am excited to discuss with you all the adventures and issues and, I hope, the wisdom that we encounter in this new year.
I am not sure when I will be back on a regular posting schedule; it may not happen until after the holidays, but it WILL happen.
Till then, enjoy the moments as they come, and i'll see you soon.
Sincerely,
Annie

I learned how to read when I was four years old. All credit there goes to my Mom. Since then, I've followed my insatiable thirst for a good read through the entire juvenile section of my hometown library, young adult series like the Hardy Boys and Narnia, and on up through mysteries, novels, stacks of nonfiction and reams of poetry. Other than a brief foray into some badly written, sappy Christian romances, I've kept my reading standards rather high: if it's badly written, I put it down. If it's depressing or dark, I put it down. If it doesn't capture my attention, I put it down. And, up until just a couple of years ago, if I ran across a sex scene or profanity, I put it down...

Read the rest over at 5 Minutes for Books...

I don't know about you folks, but, well, it helps me to have some accountability. Especially on stuff that is not always pleasant, like giving up soda or exercising every day.

Or completing a morning routine.

Here is a printable check list for a basic morning routine, more geared for a woman's morning routine since, well, that's what I am. It's on a points system: you get 1, 2, or 3 points for each item you check off the list, and then I suggest you decide on two rewards. One itty bitty reward for getting at least 25 points, and one bigger reward for getting a perfect 35.

The pdf is 2 pages. The first page is the morning routine check list with a couple of helpful links. The second is the same morning routine list with no links, which might make for easier printing.

Feel free to pass the pdf along or share on your website, I just ask that you leave the attribution link intact:

Click here to download Printable Morning Routine Check List: Basic Version.

I've been writing for Demand Studios since May of this year. It's interesting, because I get to write about rather diverse topics. Here are a few from the "waste no time and get things done" category:

How to Be Goth in Less Than an Hour

How to Write a Book in 14 Days

How to Power Clean.

Due to the holiday - and our trip to MS for a family reunion - I'm starting the monthly challenge a bit behind. Just two days. Details, friends, details.

Speaking of details, let's just get right to it and I'll break down this monthly challenge. Here's where I am, personally, professionally, esoterically speaking... (everybody go look up esoterically now. Oh, nevermind. I'll do it for you. Here.) Where was I?
Right. Where I am, in broad, somewhat vague "life" terms: 1) happy about the birth of our third baby, 2) happy and excited about the major life/career change my husband is navigating (more on that in the future), 3) happy with the progress I'm making in my writing career, 4) overwhelmed by the thought of being a mom of 3 and getting too busy with day-to-day and forgetting to enjoy these children, 5) freaked out and trying to remain calm about the major life/career change my husband is navigating that will, necessarily, constitute a major life change for me, too, and 6) aware that if I don't exhibit some serious self-discipline all the progress I've made in writing will crumble around me.

Hm. I think that just about covers it. Basically, I'm looking at a lot - a whole huge heapin' lot - of change right now. I am not really a big fan of change. I like Christmas traditions and having the same bedtime every night. I am not a naturally spontaneous person. I have come to appreciate spontaneity, and enjoy it, and even, sometimes, purposely incorporate it into my life. (Is it still spontaneity if you "purposely incorporate it" into your life? Probably not.)

So, just from a basic "me" point of view, change is more threatening than welcoming. I know from life experience that even the most threatening change can end up being amazing. However, I still default to feelings of panic more than feelings of happy, calm, comfort. This is true whether the change is planned or unplanned. Change itself that makes me a little nervous.

Change makes me nervous because I feel out of control. I can't predict what life will be like, if I will like it, if I will be able to handle it. I can plan for it, but I can't preview before we go live. I would like a preview.

September is about counterbalancing that out-of-control feeling by taking charge of what I can. Not everything, and not all at once; I'm talking about a steady effort in dealing with those things that I've put off and in building self-discipline in areas that I've allowed to grow flabby.

Enough introduction. Here's my plan for the September RECLAIM YOUR LIFE Monthly Challenge. (I think the title is kind of catchy...)

1) Set priorities
2) Set a basic schedule
3) Simplify maintenance
4) Create routines
5) Choose project(s)
6) Choose a personal goal(s)
7) Track progress for one month

More on this tomorrow. For now, I'm off to write some other articles, as that is next on my schedule. La de da!

The Time Has Come

It's time. I just finished writing three articles and I'm munching a butterscotch oatmeal cookie from a batch that Mara 'helped' me make this afternoon. (Her newest favorite thing to do is "Help cook, please!" and it's really cute. I'll take pictures next time and post them. Washing dishes is the highlight.) So, the finished article and the yummy cookie (perfect as I felt my stomach start a warning rumble of "I'm hungry and if you don't feed me soon I will wreak vengeance upon you to the fourth generation") are results of going with the option I talked about a couple of days ago: Ignore the pain (irritation/annoyance/emotional hang-up/whatever the case may be) and get on with what you need to do.

A New Month, A New Challenge

And now I find myself at the beginning of a new month, which needs a new monthly challenge to go along with it. The basic idea is simple: choose Option IGNORE THE PAIN for the month of September. But I think I need to put that plan into something a little more specific so it will actually work, so that I'll know it's working (or not), so that I can brag (or cry in shame).

The Two Components: Schedule and Projects

I've still got a couple of days before September 1st proper to ponder this, but I think two components are needed here: 1) Sticking to my schedule (which would include actually making a schedule) and 2) Tackling a few projects.
Those two elements are the ones which go when I step into survival mode. I don't look at the clock, let alone a schedule. I meander along with no regard for silly things like "dinner time." I notice with mild surprise that the kids are whiny, and wonder why until Joe suggests that perhaps it could be because they are a) hungry or b) up past their bedtime or c) both.

And projects! In survival mode, I've completed a project if I get dressed by noon. Check off a major project if I actually cook something. Bonus points for cleaning it up.

The schedule keeps me on track with the basics, the requirements to maintain a functional household and keep me, Joe, and two little cuties fed, clothed, and reasonably clean. The schedule reminds me to pay bills, answer emails, write articles, and get some exercise.

The projects are, technically, "extra" work, but it's extra work that will result in continuing benefits. Cleaning up a few areas, splashing some paint around, taking care of some piles and setting up some systems will help me to enjoy my home and my work more and to be more efficient in it.

I think this is a good plan. I think I'll stick to it. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

As part of my effort to choose Option B) IGNORE THE PAIN as my plan for life, I am making myself list out all those things I want to fix. These are the things I ignore in survival mode. They don't cease to bother me, I just cease to entertain the idea of actually doing something about them. I think of them as insurmountable, things that must be endured because they cannot be changed. Talk about a pessimistic outlook. Time to get over that one.

And in the "Minor Annoyances" Category...

• No garbage can in the master bedroom.
• Stuff on top of my refrigerator.
• The nail that holds my broom keeps disappearing into the plaster.
• No broom on the back patio.
• Two (growing) piles of papers in the dining room.
• No good place upstairs to work on my laptop.
• A box of clothes to give away sitting in my bedroom. For a month.
• Wire hangers from Joe's uniforms cluttering up the closet.
• Closet full of clothes that I don't like/that don't fit.
• Box full of books that need to go somewhere (like in a bookcase) sitting in the dining room.
• Nowhere sufficiently big enough for all the stuff that comes out of Joe's pockets at the end of the day.
• Need some outdoor storage something for Mara's bubbles and sidewalk chalk and balls.
• Toys! Everywhere! Do they procreate?

And in the "Bigger Projects" Category...

• Redo bathroom upstairs (paint walls and cabinets, do something with the floor, put up new shower curtain and rug, get shelves for over the toilet, rehang towel hooks, replace hardware and vent cover).
• Redo master bedroom (paint walls, hang new curtains, get new bedding and rugs, rearrange before April 6th so bassinet will fit).
• Finish up the kids' room (clean out closet, get/hang something on the walls, make curtains and covers from that roll of material in the closet).
• Redo kitchen cabinets (paint, replace hardware).
• Set up work/play area for Mara upstairs (somewhere?) so I can get some work done in the morning.
• Landscape the front yard. (This should probably go in the "Things That I Cannot Do Myself" category...)
• Put some mulch/pebbles/something down in the back by the patio so we don't get weed-infested there again.
• Clean up the patio.

And in the "Things That I Cannot Do Myself" Category...

• Put a sump pump in the basement.
• Buy and install a water softener so my glasses don't look opaque!
• Um...new car? Mini van with two automatic side doors! YES. (Why not?)
• Finish the bathroom in the basement...
• Finish the laundry room, bedroom, storage room in the basement.
• Clean up the pile of lumber in the backyard.

I think I'd better stop now...

On our first anniversary, we were broke. We had a very simple celebration. We didn't care. On our second anniversary, we were slightly less broke. We did dinner out. We were happy. On our third anniversary, feeling rather affluent as compared to the state of our first-year finances, we decided to take a little trip. We set up babysitting with our family, and we planned a train ride to Kansas City, a couple of nights away. I was 7 months pregnant with our second. It sounded like a perfect, relaxing little get away.

The first bumpy spot in our ideal plan occurred when I called to reserve a hotel room. Our trip happened to be the same weekend as the Royal Arabian Horse Show, which is a big deal for Kansas City. Everything was booked, except for the most expensive hotel in the city. We weren't feeling that affluent. I had already paid for the non-refundable train tickets. We were bound for a city with nowhere to stay. The very next day, though, a friend of mine called. She lived in Kansas City and would be gone for the weekend. Would we like to stay in her apartment? Would we? Oh, yes. We were set.

We got to the train station with plenty of time and walked inside to turn in our internet order code for the actual tickets. Problem. No ticket agent. No self-serve kiosk. Nothing but a bench and a few pictures on the walls. Frequent train travelers would have known, I guess, that some stations are very, er, functionally limited. As was this one. I started panicking. We called the 1-800-HELPMEAMTRAK number.

Me: Hi, listen, I'm at the Washington, MO, station, I have my internet purchase number, but there's no kiosk, there's no ticket agent, there's no one here! What do I do? Where do I go? What's wrong with this place?

Amtrak Employee: Oh, yes, let's see, um, the Washington Station is a board-only pick-up point; you can't redeem online purchases there.

Me: Uhhhhhhh........okay. This is my first Amtrak experience, (and quite likely to be my last, judging from how things are going), so I really don't know what to do here. Is there anything we can do?

Amtrak Employee: Well, let's see. Okay. I'll wire to the train conductor that you are pre-purchased, and he can let you on and then you can pick up the actual tickets at the other end of the line.

Me: Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.

So we made it on the train. I didn't breathe easy until the Conductor approved us. We were good. I leaned back against my seat and settled in for a good five hour bonding time alone with my husband. As I turned my head to smile at him, I noticed the other passenger boarding. The only other passenger boarding from the same station, entering the train car that contained about five people scattered over its 15 rows of seats. And he walked straight up the aisle and sat directly across from my husband. And started talking. Incessantly.

I groaned. For those of you who know Joe, you know he's way too friendly to just give a good cold shoulder, which is what I was fervently wishing he would do. I took a deep breath and thought, okay, fine, I can share for a few minutes. They can chat, and then he'll chill out and Joe and I can talk. Alone. Together.

Instead, Mr. Friendly Passenger opens up his suitcase and pulls out a Pepsi, a cup, and a half gallon of rum. He offered to share. We declined. He drank enough for all three of us. He kept talking. He drank more. He talked louder. He drank more. He started cursing, colorfully, while he kept talking, even louder. Three rows up, a young Mom just a bit older than me popped her head over the seat. "I've got my five-year-old little girl with me, sir. Could you keep it down?" Oh, sure, he says, slightly dazed. Joe informs him for the tenth time that we are going to take a nap now, so bye bye, no more talkie-talkie. He finally decides to make his way down to the snack bar.

We have an hour or so of peace. We take a little nap, we talk. We see Mr. Friendly Drunk heading back toward his seat. This time he offers to share his liquid wealth with another passenger, who accepts, so they get all chummy a row further up from us. We can still hear the entire conversation quite well, including the increasingly rude racial slurs Mr. Friendly Drunk is throwing around. His current seat mate is African American. Things are getting tense.

Young Mom from three rows up pops her head up again, and tells him to keep it down or else. We're not sure what "or else" means. Will she throw him from the train? The assistant conductor has been absent from our little train car for a while now. Mr. Friendly Drunk does not keep it down. Young Mom exits her seat, marches up to Mr. Friendly Drunk, and informs him that if he does not shut his mouth then he will experience dire consequences. I am thinking that she might actually attempt throwing him from the train. I am thinking that I will help her.

Mr. Friendly Drunk is turning into Mr. Not-So-Friendly Drunk, and his seat mate is getting angrier. They start threatening each other. Joe sits up straighter. I can see he is ready to interfere, if needed. I am praying. The conductor comes over the intercom to announce the next stop, and Mr. Drunk shakes his head as if waking up. "Oh, that's me," he says.

"Thank you, Lord, thank you, Lord, thank you, Lord," I say.

His seat mate is getting off at the same stop. We watch them exit and try to catch a glimpse of them on the platform. Are they going to fight it out now? The seat mate walks away quickly. It looks like Mr. Drunk will live another day.

As the train picks up speed, the assistant conductor walks into our train car. "Was he getting bad?" she asks. We look at her. Someone responds, "Yeah, it was getting pretty ugly."
"Yeah," she says, "He rides through four or five times a week, always half-drunk or worse. He's a pain." I am staring at her. She has left us alone to the mercy of a frequently drunk passenger on OUR ONE AND ONLY THIRD ANNIVERSARY TRIP? Isn't it illegal to even bring alcohol onto the train? Why do they let him get on? She moves on to the next train car, and we settle back in the silence. I guess Amtrak's policy is every passenger for himself. Now I know, and next time I'll bring Mace.