Picture yourself and your spouse on your 50th wedding anniversary. Is it a happy picture? Are you smiling, content? Are you satisfied with what you have put into this fifty-year-long relationship? Are you still best friends? Are you still in love?
Being in love is not a phase for teenagers or newlyweds. In love does not have to end with the honeymoon or the first child or financial woe. Whether or not you are in love tomorrow depends on the choices you make today. Love is not an out-of-control feeling but a structure, built up by action upon action, choice upon choice, or vulnerable and falling apart from abuse, neglect, and apathy. Choose to build your structure well by making these 12 choices.

1. Choose to be a team. No more separate lives, interests, friends, even jobs. View every endeavor as a shared one, even if your part is minimal. Joe puts in 40+ hours a week at his family’s business; I put in about 2 or 3 hours a week updating the website from the comfort of home. But when we have a shop meeting, I’m there. When policies change, I want to know. I care. It’s “our business.”

2. Choose to accept your husband’s personality. Oh, how many heartaches could be avoided with a little understanding! Personality types are very simple but most of us know nothing about them, and into this lifelong relationship we go only to be shocked by the fact that this strange creature chooses not be just like me! What could be wrong with him? Well, dear, nothing. The problem is ignorance: not everyone is like you! Save yourself more heartache by getting educated about personalities, and make the choice to love and embrace who your husband is, as he is. Do not try to make him more like yourself. There is a reason different personalities are attracted to each other. They balance each other out. Don’t ruin it all by forcing your husband to try to become some twisted, mediocre version of who he is supposed to be.

3. Choose to bite your tongue. Here is a simple test: When faced with the choice of these two cliches, which should you choose? “Silence is Golden,” or “Honesty is the Best Policy.” If you picked the first, then you’ve learned a thing or two already. Honesty is best. Don’t ever lie to your husband. Not good. But also don’t feel like you have to share every single little thought that goes through your head with your husband. “Woman, be silent!” is an admonition we all need sometimes. It is okay to just sit in quietness together. It is not only okay, it is necessary for the sake of a happy marriage, to sit in quietness when you are thinking negative things. To sum it up with an even better cliche, remember what my Mom used to say: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

4. Choose to talk about your husband positively. Now is the time for talking! You’re with his family, or your family, or a group of friends. Someone finishes a story, everyone laughs appropriately, and that small silence fills the air as everyone waits for the next topic. Jump in. “Did I tell you all about this new deck Bob just build onto our house?” Or “Did you hear that John’s boss said he was the most valuable member of management?” Or “Steve did the sweetest thing the other night…” You know the man. Next time you are en route to a social event, review a few positive stories (feel free to share them with him as you drive; he won’t mind) and share them. (Understood in this admonition is its opposite as well: Don’t talk about your husband negatively.)

5. Choose to be his best friend. You know about best friends. Best friends talk on the phone, go out, spend time together, have secrets and inside jokes, know embarrassing stories about each other, remember birthdays… well, the female best friends do, anyway! Guy best friends are a little different. They don’t go to the bathroom in pairs and they don’t paint their nails together. So compromise a little bit. The point is that best friends seek out and enjoy each other’s company; they laugh together; they make each other a Read the rest of this entry »

“You said you would call.”

“You’re late.”

“You forgot again.”

“I just want a nice quiet dinner out with you. Is that too much to ask?”

“You paid how much?”

If only you would listen more, visit sooner, take out the trash, remember my birthday, make more money, quit working on the weekends, get home on time, buy me something nice, play with the kids, talk to me, pick up your clothes, call more often…

The list never ends. Come on. You know you have one: that list, that mental checklist of what makes a great husband, kid, friend, mother… fill in the blank. You have one for yourself and you feel guilty when you don’t live up to it. You have one for all the people around you, too, some more complicated and specific than others. Ladies, the list you have for your husband is probably a document vying with White House legal memorandums in length, specificity, and total lack of intelligibility - to your husband. To you, it’s perfectly understandable, isn’t it? “It’s not that complicated… all he has to do is just be here for me a little more, talk to me, be romantic, maybe bring me flowers every once in a while… that’s not so much. It wouldn’t hurt if he would start working out again, too, and spend more time with the kids. And he could get that raise if he really pushed for it, and then we could have a nice vacation…”

When is the list ever completely fulfilled? Maybe you don’t know its length and complexity as well as you think you do. The list, you see, changes, grows, morphs with each action or non-action. There is no end. It is, like the grave and the fire, never satisfied. It is you, and it is based on your expectations of who and what someone should be.

Everyone has expectations. True. We’ve all grown so accustomed to them we overlook their affect. They are deadly little beasts, sucking the life and joy out of every relationship into which they creep. They remove our ability to be surprised, delighted, and content. Contentment receives what comes - what happens - what other do or say - with an attitude of humility and disregard for self. Contentment does not mean “not wanting.” It is not the absence of any desire. Contentment means, no matter what the desire, there is an attitude of acceptance. I will take what is given even if it is not what I desired.

Expectations are based on pride. I know what should happen. My way is the best. My plan is better. You should do what I want. When people fail to meet our expectations, we get angry because they have not recognized and submitted to our superior plans for them. Obviously if they really understood the situation… if they really got it… they would see things our way. Right?

Assumptions are those controlling, basic habits of the mind. They are what we think without thinking. They are the default. An assumption is a “statement that is assumed to be true and from which a conclusion can be drawn,” or “a hypothesis that is taken for granted” (WordNet).

We all operate from assumptions to some degree. We assume the world will keep spinning, the sun will rise, and our boss will expect us to show up at work as usual. So we set the alarm, get up, get dressed, and go to work. What’s the problem with assumptions like that? Nothing, really. Those type of assumptions are what I call experiential assumptions. They are based on our former experiences and validated every time the experience is repeated, which is usually often.

Many experiential assumptions are accurate to a large degree, perhaps even for all of our lives. What happens, however, is that as we operate on a daily basis from experiential assumptions, we think less often and less consciously and simply operate on automatic. We get lazy.

We have assumptions about each other: spouse, children, parents, siblings, co-workers, friends, strangers. We have assumptions about spirituality, intellect, physical history, relationships, and morality. We carry these assumptions with us and apply them to the appropriate subjects without stopping to think about what the assumptions are, where they came from, what they are based on, and whether they are accurate. We assume they are true without stopping to question their history, logic, source, or motivation.

Racism comes from unquestioned assumptions. Discrimination of all kinds comes from unquestioned assumptions. Persecution - both of the religious and by the religious - comes from unquestioned assumptions. These unquestioned, unfounded assumptions are usually based on little more than the attitudes and concepts we picked up as children from our families, our peers, and our culture. They might have been someone else’s experiential assumption in a different time and place, but they may no longer be valid. Or they may be based on a one-time, never-repeated experience so powerful that a person based a life’s assumption upon it, and then passed it on to you. You assumed it was accurate. You assumed you could trust the source.

Assumptions are subtle and dangerous due to that subtlety. Even when they are mostly accurate, if they are never questioned, never grounded on something more than tradition, we accept the danger of operating our daily lives on the basis of something that may be relative to time, place, and preference.

Examining our assumptions is a basic first step toward living a life that is thoughtful and fulfilling. Here’s an exercise that can help you get started.

• 1. Write down ten foundational beliefs you have. They may not be the “top ten” but you will probably think of the most important things first. If you have trouble getting started, ask yourself what you believe about these topics:  God/spirituality, family, relationships, work, your past, your personality, and money.
• 2. Now comes the questioning. For each belief you wrote down, ask these questions: What is this belief based on? What is the source of this belief? What is the reasoning behind this belief? Has my personal experience repeatedly validated this belief? When did I choose to believe this?
• 3. Based on your answers, you can determine if what you’ve written as a belief is that - something you have consciously chosen to put faith in based on reason and/or experience -  or if it is merely an assumption, something handed down to you that you simply accepted.
• 4. Now what? The “beliefs” that turned out to be assumptions are not necessarily inaccurate; they just give you a starting point. Start digging. Start thinking. Do some research. Start looking for something true and real about these assumptions of yours. Are they worthwhile? Do they merit a place as a foundational belief that will influence the course of your life?

1. Always be on the phone when you see him at the end of the day.

   Preferably, be talking to your girlfriend, your sister, or your mom about a topic that either (a) irritates him or (b) means absolutely less than nothing to him. Give him a slight wave but don’t interrupt your conversation to give him a kiss, a smile, or a word. Continue talking with all the intensity you can muster. Be extremely interested in your conversation. Show no signs of slowing down just because he’s around. And make sure you talk loudly, pace, or otherwise make yourself impossible to ignore. If you’re at home, be sure the kitchen is dark and cold and very much untouched by you.

2. Talk to him like you would to your five-year-old nephew.

   An extremely effective method of irritation. Make sure you use the same small words, repeat yourself, ask if he understands at the end of every sentence, and throw in a somewhat drippy, condescending tone to top it all off. Use an appropriate pet name: cutie, silly boy, munchkin, and little man are all excellent choices.

3. Never tell him what’s of concern to you, and never ask for his help.

   Be sure your stress is evident: creased brow, frown lines, nervous movements, loud sighs, and lots of muttering to yourself. If he takes the bait and asks you what’s wrong, look at him like you forgot he was there, give a little laugh and say, “Oh, nothing honey, really…” Then ask him a very unimportant question using Method #2. Be sure you continue to look adequately stressed about your issue as he answers your question. Bonus points: Have a muttered, somewhat secretive phone conversation with girlfriend/sis/mom about said issue later that night. Be sure he sees you and catches your stressed tone of voice.

4. Keep a mental list of his faults; add to it continually.

   Of course you know he’s not perfect, and the best way to show him that you know is to keep thinking about all the ways he isn’t. You actually don’t have to say any of these out loud to communicate your displeasure (although there will be chances for that, too). Just keeping that mental list will be sufficient, and be sure you add every new fault you notice as soon as you notice it, even if it’s only happened once. Also, come up with creative little titles for the faults on your mental list. Include dramatic words with a sense of finality and hopelessness. For example, “picks his nose in the car” should be called “Is SO disgusting because he’s ALWAYS shoving his finger up his nose in the MIDDLE of traffic.” Much more effective.

5. Mock him publicly, especially in front of your family and/or his friends.

   You will, of course, never be at a loss for what to mock him about since you’ve got that handy mental list ready at all times. And since you’re continually thinking about it and adding to it, you’ll be able to create a connection with whatever conversation you’re in, no matter how vague to everyone else. Example: You run into a couple of friends at the grocery store who relate the horrible car wreck they witnessed yesterday. You listen and nod and then say, “Well, at least Jimbo here wasn’t with you. He would’ve just stuck his finger up his nose as usual, right in front of all the cops…” Ignore Jimbo’s look of chagrin. Ignore the fact that you’ve only actually seen him pick his nose twice in your entire relationship.

6. Moderate your interest level carefully.

   This is a key concept if you really want to alienate your husband. You need to practice because if you go too overboard with either demonstration it will just be weird. So get those “I’m really interested” signals down very well. Use them anytime you get a phone call, anytime you’re talking about your past, anytime someone else in a group that includes your husband is talking, and especially when you’re talking about your preferences, your day, or your emotions. Now, for the “I’m not at all interested and I’m just managing to tolerate the hideous boredom of this conversation” signals, pick key times. These include anytime your husband is talking about his family, his work, or his past; anytime he shares an idea (any kind of idea); anytime you’re at some event that is more in keeping with his interests than yours; and especially anytime he hints around for intimacy. Really, the only time you should show interest when your husband talks is when he talks about you.

7. Cultivate irritating habits.

   The infamous silent treatment is probably the mother of all irritating habits. Be sure you use that one often. Nagging, of course, is another especially effective irritation. Use a whiny voice even when you’re in a good mood. Sigh often without explanation. Blame everything on your hormones, your past, or your husband’s typically male inability to be sensitive enough. Make fun of anything overtly masculine about him. Make fun of anything he likes that you don’t. Forget the names of important people from his past. Act a little fuzzy about what he actually does at work when anyone asks. Get a baby-innocent blank look to employ when he asks you about his favorite sweater, season tickets, or “planned” trip to his family reunion. Come up with a girly, demeaning name for his favorite band, sport, place, food, etc., and use it often.

8. Be obviously manipulative.

   Face it, you’re probably manipulative anyway, and it’s probably obvious to your husband even if he doesn’t point it out. Well, go ahead and play it up for all it’s worth. Use that baby voice. Use sex as a prize if he does what you want (or lack thereof as punishment if he doesn’t). Use all your best irritating habits to get what you want. Nag him about a vacation until he agrees. Start giving him the silent treatment if he doesn’t seem interested in taking you to that new romantic comedy (making it even more romantic when he finally does agree to take you). Threaten to call his mother, your mother, his boss, or his best friend whenever needed. Use impossibly unreasonable jabs like “Do you really want me to be unhappy?” and “You really hate our kids, don’t you?” and “I just never expected you to be so insensitive all the time.”

9. Never tell him what you want in a way that makes sense.

   Rely on your irritating habits and manipulation skills to get what you want. Never, ever just ask him for something in a normal voice. If he asks you a direct question about your preference, just say something like, “Oh, you know…..” or “Oh… I don’t really care….”. Of course, if he makes the mistake of taking you seriously and simply making a decision without questioning you further and deciphering your hints until he finally figures out what you do want, employ one of those irritating habits like the silent treatment.

10. Maintain your impossible expectations.

    All those items on your mental list of your husband’s faults are probably negative exaggerations of your own expectations of what he should be. By all means, hang on to these expectations, no matter how silly, because they are invaluable in keeping your husband alienated. Whatever you do, never consider the possibility that your expectations are the problem, not your husband’s hideous faults. Meditate on your expectations religiously. See them as the key to your happiness. Refer to them as the only separation between the two of you and marital bliss. Take no responsibility for your attitudes or emotions when they go haywire due to an expectation being, once again, grossly unfulfilled. Consider yourself a selfless martyr every time your husband fails to either automatically understand an expectation or flawlessly meet it.

Employ these ten simple habits and you are well on your way to continual conflict, total dissolution of mutual interests, and marital hell. They’re effective enough to be used singly whenever harmony seems to be rearing its ugly head, but are especially helpful when collectively applied over time. Ruin your marriage – don’t let a day go by without alienating your husband!

Challenge Update: I was a little behind (that darn snooze button) but I got up at 5:45 and am feeling good. Feeling great, actually. Even though I went to bed late last night (around midnight), I am awake and thinking this morning. I do need to watch my bedtime though; I can do three or four “short” nights (5 to 6 hours) but then I need a “catch-up” night of eight hours or more.

Or I need to start taking naps in the afternoon. I napped a lot while I was pregnant but I’ve since gotten out of the habit. Now I find it difficult to slow down and rest in the middle of the day, even when I’m tired. I’m working on not being in such a non-stop mode but it is still habit.

Build Your Better Life: Set up a date night with your husband. Now. Get your calendar, give him a call, find a babysitter, do whatever you need to do to make this happen within a week. I let it slide too long, sometimes, and though we see each other we don’t get that focused time to reconnect.

Connecting with your spouse is worth whatever sacrifice it takes to make it happen. Remember, you don’t have to spend a lot of money. You can eat sandwiches at home and go get a cup of coffee together. Or just go walk around the mall. Just make sure that you have time and space to talk to each other about more than the kids and the car and the stuff at work. Get a little deeper. Ask questions. Pretend it’s your first date.

For the singles sisters, here’s a suggestion: set a date for yourself or with a close girlfriend and make a list of the five essential qualities for your future husband. Don’t be trivial (great abs) and don’t be vague (good character). You need to know the things that are make-it-or-break-it in a relationship, and if you share them with a friend who can hold you accountable, all the better. If you’re feeling really ambitious, make a list of the five essential qualities you need to have to be a great wife. Do you have them all? What can you work on? Get started!