Now that Valentine’s Day is over for another year, I think it’s safe to talk about date night. Don’t you?

Date nights = good idea for couples, in particular for married couples, in special particularness for married couples with children. Because if you don’t have date nights every now and then, you tend to have approximately 2 minutes of alone time per week. (No, you can’t count the time sleeping.) And alone time, in some measure, tends to help your relationships, especially when it includes talking and things like that.

However, you may or may not have noticed that we are in a recession and most of us are living at some degree of broke.

Source: Online Schooling

The cost of date night for people with children gets, well, costly. Babysitter – $50, easy. Dinner out – $50, easy. You’re already spending $100 and you haven’t even gone to a movie yet, or had coffee! Argh. Ah, the humanity.

Cut to the point: date night doesn’t have to cost $100+.

1. Have an at-home date night.
The go-to of married couples on a budget. It works if you take it seriously; let the kids have dinner early, put them to bed early. Then have your own dinner and date time. The important thing here is to avoid falling into the same old routine and to actually focus on spending time together. So call it a date night, don’t worry about the dishes, and have alone time. At least 4+ minutes.

2. Swap babysitting with other budgeting couples.
You know people in the same situation as you, with kids but without excessive babysitting money. Swap. They babysit one night, you babysit another. Nobody has to pay out the cash, each couple gets a night out.

3. Host a dinner party.
Okay, so this one is less strictly alone time than interactive adult time, but that’s important too. Invite a few couples in on this and pool on the cost of a babysitter to oversee the kiddos, who get their own dinner and movie. Do a potluck style dinner, or a cook it together style dinner (everybody brings the ingredients for one dish). Keep it low-cost by avoiding meat-centric dishes.

4. Work the birthday/holiday.
One of the best Christmas gifts we ever got was a gift card for dinner, gift card for one night at a hotel, + a “coupon” for free overnight babysitting from the grandparents. If the overnight thing is a little too much for your nearest & dearest friends/family, just let ‘em know you would appreciate the coupon for a night of babysitting. They don’t even have to spring for the dinner gift card.

5. Eat ethnic.
Skip the restaurant with the long wait and go for something easier on the budget. Date night doesn’t have to be fancy. Get to know your favorite Indian, Chinese, Mexican, or Thai restaurant.

6. Have a picnic.
Pack your own date-night meal in nice weather and get some time outside. You can also have a pseudo-date night this way by taking the kids along and letting them run wild while you sit and eat and talk. Don’t worry about making them sit and eat. Put the food on the table. They’ll show up when they’re hungry, and in the mean time you’ll get a chance to converse with your spouse while they wear themselves out on the play ground.

7. Have a dessert date.
Save money on babysitting and dinner by going out a little later. Have dinner at home with the kids, get them all ready for bed, and have the babysitter show up at bedtime. Then go out for dessert, enjoy a couple of hours together, and only have to spend about $25 on babysitting and the same (or less) on what you eat out.

Image: DSC_0030 by taylor.f11

Disclosure: Paid Post.

from The Human Machine by Arnold Bennett: [I have a think for public domain books, what can I say?]

“One of the central secrets of efficient daily living is

to leave our daily companions alone a great deal more than we do, and attend to ourselves.

If a daily companion is conducting his life upon principles which you know to be false, and with results which you feel to be unpleasant, the safe rule is to keep your mouth shut.”

“Intimacy is no excuse for rough manners, though the majority of us seem to think it is.

You are not in charge of the universe; you are in charge of yourself…

You have no business trespassing beyond the confines of your own individuality. In so trespassing you are guilty of impertinence. This is obvious. And yet one of the chief activities of home-life consists in prancing about at random on other people’s private lawns. What I say applies even to the relation between parents and children.”

And ESPECIALLY to the relationship between wife and husband.

Ahem.
And now, I have nothing further to say on the matter.

Image: Leave Me Alone! by pheαnix

My husband thinks I’m perfect.

Seriously. Sometimes I say, “Hey, honey, is there something I could change, do differently, you know, anything I’m doing that annoys you or you wish I wouldn’t do?” He always says something along the lines of, “No, baby, you’re perfect and I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

Now, I know and you know that I’m not perfect. My blinded-by-love husband, though… he doesn’t see the flaws. Or if he does, he thinks they’re cute. And we’re past the honeymoon stage; at least we’re supposed to be. We’re six years, three (and 1/3) children into this thing. We’ve done stupid stuff, said stupid stuff, made mistakes, and we’re still figuring this whole “life” thing out as we go. There’s been more than enough imperfection on my part. But he doesn’t see it.

Sometimes it’s tough having a husband who thinks I’m perfect.

Really. He does something minor like come home late from work and I am well on my way to working up a good, satisfying MAD… One of those seething, cupboard-door-slamming mads where you can grit your teeth and feel justified because of the wrongness of it all. Except then he walks in the door and says something like, “Hey, baby, I’m sooo glad to see you and the kids. So sorry I was late tonight, I had to finish a work project and then help a crippled man across the street and then stopped to fix an old lady’s car on the way home. Can I help with dinner?”

How the heck can I be mad after that?

Impossible. Though I’ve tried. Trust me. Because I enjoy a good mad just as much as the next girl.

But, alas, I am married to the Good Samaritan.

He is an infinitely capable Good Samaritan, too, because he knows how to fix stuff. Cars, lawnmowers, go-karts, bicycles, tire swings, dryers, dishwashers, highchairs, boats, chainsaws, lights, chairs, scraped knees, me…
Honestly, the only good reason for a mad in six years of marriage that I’ve found is this: sometimes he helps other people when I want him to ignore all those other people and pay attention to me. Only me.

And if I tell him that, he does. He pulls in, slows down, says no. Pays attention.

I’m not a naturally merciful or generous person. I lean more to the “prophetic” side of things (thanks, Dad!), as in, if I see a bum on the street with a cardboard sign, I think, “Hey bum, go get a job and then you won’t need other people’s money!” I don’t think,

• “Poor guy. He’s probably had a tough life.” I don’t think,
• “Hmm, we should be generous to the poor.”

I roll up my windows. I don’t carry cash. I drive on. I don’t even feel guilty.

Generosity is still not a natural instinct,

but in the six years of being married to the most generous and merciful person I have ever known, I’ve learned a little bit:

• It’s fun to be generous. Even when you can’t afford it. Especially when you can’t afford it. It’s a risk you take, offering out of the little you have.
• It doesn’t matter what the person does with your generosity. That’s not your part of the picture. Your part is just to be generous.
• Giving isn’t just about giving money; it’s about giving time, giving resources, giving energy, giving help, giving service. When you clutter up your life with obligations that don’t matter, you end up with nothing left to give other people.
• There is a priority in giving; you shouldn’t give what isn’t yours to give, for instance. You should meet your responsibilities. You should make sure your family has their needs met, but the thing to remember is need isn’t the same as want. We can all live with much less than we think we can.

Last week a lady knocked on my car window

in the parking lot of St. Louis Bread Company. She launched into a somewhat reasonable explanation of why she was asking for money. I stopped her. I didn’t really care what her reason was. I gave her the $20 I had in my wallet, prayed for her, and when she left I wished I’d had more to give.

Maybe she’s a drunk. Maybe she’s a drug addict. Maybe she’s somebody’s daughter and she’s had a tough life. I don’t know, and I don’t need to know.

You know why my husband thinks I’m perfect?

Because he has what I understand now as generosity of the spirit; he doesn’t just give the cash he could use for himself. He doesn’t just give his time or his abilities. He gives grace, freely, recklessly. He gives enough grace to me to cover all the times I’ve been mad, or rude, or ignored him, or messed something up, or forgotten something important, or hurt him, or demanded, or controlled, or manipulated, or accused, or proved in some other inexcusable way how imperfect I really, truly, deeply am.

His generosity is what causes him to love me as much as he does. It’s not me. I’m not perfect. I don’t deserve it. I didn’t earn it. But I receive it, with open arms. And that’s why, sometimes, when I think, “Darn it, I wish Joe would quit offering to help, I really just want a weekend at home!” I try to stop before I say it out loud. Because when I put words out there, he will listen. And he will downsize his own generosity in order to make me happy.

And then he might figure out I’m really not perfect.

Image by Kjunstorm.

What

It’s the best thing you can do for your marriage. It’s simple. You already know how.
It is the Art of Listening.

Why

• It’s a basic (though often lost) courtesy of human interaction.
• Your husband is the most important person in your life. When you invest in him by listening, you invest in your own life.
• You don’t know everything about him. He can surprise you. You just need to give him a chance.

What It’s Not

1. Nodding, smiling, and saying “Mmmmhmm,” and “Sure,” and “Yes, of course,” while your mind wanders over the 1000 things you haven’t accomplished today.
2. Letting your eyes glaze over while he describes some technical/mechanical/sports-related item that you don’t understand or care to understand.
3. Having a running internal commentary of snide remarks that you won’t let yourself say out loud.
4. Interrupting.
5. Giving him the cues that say, “I’m really too busy for this, could you please hurry it along?”
6. Finishing his sentences.
7. Thinking of what you’ll say next when he finally stops talking.

What It Is

• Saying “I want to hear this, but I’m very distracted right now. Could we talk later?” when you are distracted by valid concerns, interruptions, children, etc.
• Following up on that by actually making time to sit down and talk, even if that means staying up later than you like, or skipping the tv show, or not getting to next chapter in your book or blog in your reader.
• Making eye contact.
• Acting like you have all the time in the world, whether you do or not.
• Asking questions.
• Employing the 5-second rule: wait 5 seconds after he finishes talking before you respond. Try it. Really.
• Looking for the real story.
• Leaving your assumptions behind.
• Showing that you are interested in what he says, in what he is interested in, just because of who he is. Even if you hate sports. Even if you don’t get how the gears fit together.
• Responding.

Go forth and listen!

I’m not sure where he got it, but back when my husband and I were just my “potential husband” and I, my Dad [bonus points if you can figure out which one in the list he is. Hint: my maiden name starts with N] produced a list of questions. 68 of them.

Joe and I lived 500 miles apart, so we spent a lot of time on the phone. Hours and hours and hours. And I still have this list of questions with little doodles and circles and one word answers and phrases and underlining…

So I’ve compiled, from this source and out o’ my own brain, a list of questions, pre-marriage questions, so other young couples, miles apart, phone pressed up against their now-deformed and 120-degree ear, can enjoy the same experience.
I mock (a bit) but these are good questions. I’m glad we talked about them, and as I read over them now, I see a lot that it would be good or fun or both to talk about again. Pre-marriage or relationship refresher, they work both ways.

As I recall, we started our discussion with question #36. Our answers have since altered…. But that’s another story.

65 Pre-Marriage Questions

(or Post-Marriage Questions for spurring on great conversations)

1. What were your childhood vacations like?
2. What were your family’s holiday traditions?
3. Do you have a large extended family? Are you close to them?
4. Do you have any regrets about relationships within your family?
5. How do you deal with hurts, resentment, bitterness, etc., in family relationships?
6. What makes you depressed? How do you handle depression?
7. What is your ideal life, or life calling, or vision for the future?
8. How do you know (regarding #7)?
9. When attracted you to me?
10. What have you heard about me?
11. What do you think about my family?
12. What are your concerns about our relationship?
13. What is your relationship history?
14. What are your regrets about past relationships?
15. What are your favorites? (Color, food, movie, vacation, restaurant, book, sport, band, etc.)
16. What are your pet peeves?
17. What are your music tastes? How important is music to you? How does music affect you? What kind of freedom will you give your children in what music they listen to?
18. What is your taste and preference as far as the appearance of the opposite sex?
19. What is your personal style?
20. Who are your closest friends?
21. What energizes you: being around people or being alone?
22. What does “quality time” mean to you?
23. Are you a private person? Do you share things freely or prefer to keep things to yourself?
24. What do you do in your free time?
25. What is your personality?
26. What is your spiritual gift?
27. What are your main strengths and weaknesses?
28. What are your main goals in life?
29. What three things matter most in building a successful marriage?
30. What do you see as my blind spots?
31. How will you train and discipline your children?
32. What should the spiritual structure of a marriage look like? Who is the spiritual leader? How would you lead/submit?
33. Are you a spender or a saver?
34. How would you manage money?
35. What are your preferences and style when it comes to home decor, interior design, colors, etc.?
36. How many children do you want to have? When? How close together? What do you think about birth control?
37. What are your fears or insecurities? What do you worry about?
38. How do you handle correction from others (parents, boss, friends, church leaders)?
39. What makes you angry?
40. Are you a jealous person? Do you get jealous? How do you handle jealousy?
41. What encourages you?
42. What discourages you?
43. What do you wish you could change about your past?
44. What do you hope to accomplish in your future?
45. Do you find it easy or difficult to ask for help?
46. What do you see as my strengths and weaknesses?
47. Is it hard for you to figure me out? Do you feel stuck on surface things?
48. What is your relationship with God like? What do you believe? Why? How do you live out your beliefs?
49. Name three major victories in your life.
50. Name three major failures in your life.
51. What do you believe about the major social issues of our day?
52. What should a wife be like?
53. What should a husband be like?
54. What does a wife do in the home?
55. What does a husband do in the home?
56. If a husband and wife disagree on something major, how should they resolve it?
57. Do you tend to go with the flow or stand on your own?
58. What social subgroup do you identify with?
59. Is being in style, trendy, culturally current important to you?
60. What is your preferred form of entertainment? What are your favorites in that kind of entertainment? (Music, movies, sports, etc.)
61. What books have made a major impact on your life? Why?
62. How did your parents handle conflict?
63. How do you handle conflict?
64. Are you healthy? Have you had any health problems? What do you think about natural health vs. traditional medicine?
65. Will you make the bed every morning, or will I?

{irritating questions intended to spur discussion}

I mean, wait, this is just a heartfelt informal poll.

MARRIED FOLKS: what questions should be added to that list? Any? I mean, what is really important to know about each other before you get married? Or is this all a waste of time because you can’t really know a person until you’re married to him/her?
UNMARRIED FOLKS: what stupid mistakes do you see married people making all the time that you wish you could correct? Here’s your chance; play nice, but tell us from your on-looker perspective what seem like the common failings to you.
EVERYBODY: who should make the bed every morning? Really?
-
Image courtesy of Helga.

Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank your for your selfless love. Thank you for being a hero all the time, every day, but never bragging about it. Thank you for handling my kryptonite days with humor and a kick-in-the-pants when I need it. Thank you for helping me to be a better person. Thank you for encouraging me to follow my dreams. Thank you for making me part of yours.

The best day of my life was the day I married you.

I love you, my SuperMan! Happy birthday.

Love,

Annie

Trust him.

Trust him like you trusted your Daddy (if you had a good one) or like you wished you could (if you had a bad one).
Trust him to care, trust him to listen, trust him to love you, trust him to need you, trust him to romance you, and most of all trust him to make decisions.

Trust him, because when you do, you set up the best possible pattern for your marriage. You set up this pattern: This marriage has to have a leader. You are the leader. I trust you to be a good leader. I trust you to think things through. I trust you to do your best. I trust you to have good intentions. I trust you so I don’t have to worry about it.

Perfect Is Not Part of the Equation

Now, of course, he will mess up. He will make silly decisions, spend money on stupid things, rush into things or wait too long and miss opportunities. That doesn’t matter. There are very few messes he can make by a bad decision here or there that are as far-reaching and serious as the one you can make by refusing to trust him.

Let me say that again:
It’s more important that you trust him than that you have perfect finances in perfect order, the best car for the best value, the best house in the best school district, the ideal job, the better salary, the church that really fits you, the friends who really get you.

Why? Well, you plan on staying married, right? You signed up for life? Your marriage, God-willing and the creek don’t rise, will outlast financial problems, debt, broken cars, leaky houses, screaming babies, pooping pets, ugly furniture, a wardrobe of fat clothes, several years of bad hair days, in-grown churches, mooching friends.

That other stuff is circumstantial, situational, here today and a sweet or sour memory tomorrow. But while that stuff fades, you’ll still be waking up next to him. Him, the guy you married, the guy who probably didn’t know much when you married him, the guy who is learning about life with you. He knew enough to marry you. He’ll figure the rest out.

When Things Don’t Look Good

Trust him so he can. Trust that he has good intentions. Trust that God will protect you and provide for you. Trust that you are strong enough and wise enough to choose what matters and handle the storm that might arise because of your choices. And there will be a storm, probably many. There will be storms of condemnation and criticism (Why didn’t you stop him? Don’t you two know any better?); there will be storms of fear and worry (What will happen to us?); there will be storms of guilt (I should have told him not to do that…); there will be storms of hopelessness (Will he ever change? Will he ever get it? Will we ever get out of this situation? Will things ever get better?).

A storm is violent and furious and over in a few moments. Hold on, hunker down, and outlast it. You’re woman enough for that.

The more you trust him, the more he becomes worthy of your trust.

Do you want a wise husband?

One who thinks about the future, who has a vision for your family, who guards your heart, who provides for your needs, who acts on truth? Then trust the husband you have.
Trust him as if he is wise and watch as he becomes wise.

—

This post is linked up with Fimby’s (brand-new!) Friday’s Flowers.

Images

1. Bouquet of wildflowers that look like daisies – mine.

2. Have white doves follow you courtesy of H.KoppDelaney on Flickr.

3. Hold his glowing hand courtesy of D. Sharon Pruitt (Pink Sherbet Photography) on Flickr.