My Personal Growth Definition

I hold a pretty broad definition of personal growth: anything that is an attempt to better myself, whether it be inward, outward, as a person, a wife, a writer, a parent, a friend, a woman...
Exercising regularly is part of my personal growth. Taking time to pray is part of my personal growth. Having a date night with my husband is part of my personal growth. Planning and organizing my work time is part of my personal growth. Reading to my kids is part of my personal growth. Going to bed early with a new magazine and a little dark chocolate is part of my personal growth.

The problem with such an inclusive definition is that the efforts I am making get swallowed up in normal routines and I don't remember to keep track of what I'm actually trying to accomplish. Then even if I'm making progress, I don't know it, so I get discouraged. I have a couple of methods that are helpful for keeping track of that progress, so I can congratulate myself or push myself a little harder, as the case may be.

3 Ways to Track Your Progress

• Joe's Goals is a simple online tool.
  It makes it easy to organize and track your goals. You're already checking your email, anyway! You create a user name and password (quick and simple form) and then you can add as many goals as you want, and you can add logs to keep notes about your goals. I went a little overboard when I first found this site and popped about 20 goals up there, which quickly became more burdensome than encouraging to keep up with. So I recommend sticking to a smaller amount, the ones that you really want to make progress in, and focus on tracking those.
• Keeping a journal helps me, too.
  I just use a simple spiral notebook, these days, though I've gone from one extreme to the other with what I write in as a journal. I like those pretty, thick journals with unlined pages the best, but sometimes the formality of it keeps me from using it practically. Maybe I'll graduate up from spiral-bound one of these days, but I'm going to keep it simple for now.
  I use it to track progress by simply jotting a few notes down in my daily writing time. For example, right now I write down what I'm reading in the Bible that morning (as well as any verses that particularly stand out) and then usually a little outline of what I want to accomplish in writing that day. On a more "journaling" level, I write about what's frustrating me, what I feel stuck on, what I'm making progress in, what I'd like to work on in the future, what it might be time to drop. It's a good way to think through the choices I'm making in personal growth.
• My daily planner is my other key tool.
  I have a big but simple one: it's 8 1/2" by 11" size, in weekly divisions, so each day of the week has a nice big space to write in. I draw a couple of lines down the days, so I end up with three sections in each day. One shows me my basic schedule, any events or activities; the next is my to do list (non-writing) for the day; and the last is my editorial calendar for the day. My planner is my best tool for reaching my goals with what I'm writing, because it lets me see quickly what I haven't accomplished, what is important, what is due, and when I'm trying to do too much.

Other Ideas

• Make a chart and put it on your bathroom or bedroom wall.
• Find a friend pursuing the same goal and keep each other accountable for daily/weekly progress. This works really well for exercise, for me.
• Buy yourself a reward (something you really want) and then give it to your spouse or a friend for safekeeping. You get it only when you have reached a certain point (lost 10 lbs., logged 10 miles, written 10 pages, called 3 friends, whatever).
• Schedule a particular time every day or week for working on your goal, and note whether or not you keep the appointment.
• Use a coin jar to track your progress: put a coin in for every mile you run, page you write, day you get up early... When the jar is full, count them up! Then go cash in and get something fun. Then start over.

My husband is changing jobs after working at this one since he was 15. It's been his only job for his entire life. It's a family business, and he has loved it, but it's time. Change is moving in, people are moving on. It's the right thing, but that doesn't make it easier. Nothing is easy right now, because nothing is familiar.

That Lost Feeling

I remember that same lost feeling for the first few months of marriage, maybe even the whole first year. I was knocked-out in love with my husband (I still am) and I knew I wanted nothing else but to be with him. But it wasn't easy because it was all so different. No parents. No familiar routine. No Mom to run errands with. No old friends to call up for shopping or coffee. Everything was new and different, and because of that, it was difficult to accept.

Everything changed with one morning's strange epiphany during that first year. Joe was doing something - I don't even remember what - but it was different than what I was used to. I was just watching him, feeling that tightening, the offense at what was unfamiliar, when it came: the fact that it was different didn't make it wrong. It just made it different, and I could get used to different.

I Can Get Used to Different

That moment was the first in many steps upward, back to the comfortable glow of familiarity. When I reached that threshold of being comfortable in my new life, it wasn't because I had finally managed to make it the same as my old life. It was because I had accepted a new set of circumstances and behaviors and routines and surroundings as my own. I had put aside the prejudice against the unknown, allowed it to come close enough to me to become known, and had accepted it as something equally good to what I had before. In many ways, something much, much better.

The One That Stuck

I could have shortened that process had I learned a little something about acceptance before getting married. I think it was shorter than it might have been because I had been watching, a long time, and making those resolutions that single people love to make before marriage. A lot of them disappeared once I experienced marriage, but one stuck. Over and over I had seen my friends and family expend all their energy on changing their spouses. It seemed so obvious to me, the single and objective onlooker. You can't change somebody else, and you just frustrate each other when you try.

Create a New Right

I didn't understand the powerful motivation of wanting to accomplish that change until I entered marriage. It's not as simple and petty as I thought, not necessarily a power struggle, though it often turns into that. Mostly we start trying to change each other because we are trying to create a life that feels right. We have strong ideas about what right is. It takes a good bucketful of humility dumped on your head before you realize that sometimes "right" is merely a matter of preference, and fighting to the death over preference is just stupid. Create a new right, together, and you'll both be happier.

I think that's what acceptance is. It's letting go of comfort long enough to get close to the unfamiliar. It's letting go of assumptions long enough to see that the unfamiliar isn't so bad. It's letting go of control long enough to let someone else's preferences be just as important as yours. It's a difficult thing to do.

But we need to learn how to do it.

Some days I wake up and I don't feel comfortable with myself. Some days the whole world feels foreign. Some days the ability to accept is the only thing I've got going.

So I'm thinking about registering for this 5k. I need to lose ten pounds before I start getting baby fat again. Hmm.I need to get some motivation for exercising regularly, and paying $20 to be in a 5K might just do it. I worked in the yard for 2 hours today. That's a good start. I've been tired, and haven't gotten up early as usual for the past couple of days. That's not a good start. I'm behind on a few things... but I weeded all around my compost bin and the back patio. I did not take "before" photos because, well, it was just too ugly. I don't have any "after" photos yet, either, because I'm not through yet.

I guess I have two goals with exercising: I figure if I can get myself up early again, and go out for a 30 minute walk in the morning, then I can spend 20 minutes working in the yard/garden. And, if I am walking and gardening every day, I can get in shape enough to survive a 5K.

I'm kind of talking myself into this...

I get us all on a pretty, shiny schedule, and these silly kids won't quit growing. Mara stays awake through at least one naptime, now, wreaking havoc instead of sleeping peacefully. The days of two extended kid-quiet times are over.

Yesterday I kept Mara up in the morning while Robbie napped as usual. I didn't really have a plan, just a vague idea that I would throw some toys over in the living room and she would play quietly while I wrote for a couple of hours as usual. Every person reading this who has a child is laughing right now. You know what happened, or rather, what didn't happen.

She did pretty well at staying in her designated play area; we've worked on that before so it's nothing new. But the playing quietly all by herself - when Mommy is still in sight - oh ha ha.

"Mama, cor?" (color) "No, baby, not now. Mommy's working."

"Mama, wead? Book?" "No, sweetie, not now. Mommy's working."

"Mama, choo choo tree?" (choo choo train). "No, Mommy's not going to play with trains right now."

"Mama! Boo!" (Her little head pops up from behind the bench at the dining table. I can't help laughing. The scenario repeats two hundred times.)

I didn't get much work done yesterday morning. She took a great nap in the afternoon, so I think the schedule works well for her, but by afternoon my mental abilities move at a slug-like pace. I can do general no-think stuff, like pay bills and cook and deal with the mail and answer emails, but actual writing doesn't go too well after 3 p.m. So I took a nap, too. I guess the day wasn't a complete loss.

Last night, after putting the babies to bed and whining to Joe for a bit, I took a nice long soak in the bathtub, because that's what I do when I need to think. (That, or take a long walk, and I was just not feeling up to it.) Here are my options: 1) Quit trying to do anything other than just the Mommy/run the household thing. 2) Continue shutting Mara in her room during morning nap time, giving her a pile of books, and hoping nothing catastrophic happens. 3) Figure out a way to keep her occupied with her own "work" while Mommy works.

Oh, #3 I like! Actually, #1 sounds appealing when I'm tired at night, but I really enjoy writing, web design, and helping Joe with his business stuff; even if I wanted to quit, I probably couldn't extricate myself at this point. And I've done solely the Mommy/Household thing for months on end; while it was challenging and fun, a significant part of me was missing. I got bored. I started to contemplate taking up complicated craft projects that require a large investment in many tiny itty bitty supplies. But I don't like crafting. You make "crafty," I make "crappy." It's just not me.

I like a pile of projects on my to-do list. I like learning new things, writing, reading, thinking, analyzing information, writing, compiling, finding resources, researching, organizing projects, managing, writing.

So. #1 is out, #2 is stupid. #3 is it. Brilliant. How?

I've been reading about Montessori methods lately (you can see my post on it here) so I decided that's what I wanted to incorporate, on a very small scale. Basically, next to my office, set up a play area for Mara with several different activities that she can get out and put away herself, a little Mara-sized table and chair, and provide a little direction when needed. I figured that would work for about an hour or so, then I can let her watch a Baby Einstein, and then rest for 20 or 30 minutes, because she still gets a little tired. (At this point I stopped planning, because my hands were all wrinkly. Time to get out of the bathtub.)

One problem: my current "office" is the dining room table. This morning I tackled clearing off half of the long table Joe uses as a desk in the basement. It's a work in progress (don't look at the far end of the table, past Joe's really huge monitor, to the piles of stuff.) It's workable, though; I have a nice, big, clean work space for laptop, papers, books, phone, big glass of water, camera... And I can use Joe's chair because he's not here in the mornings. Whoopdedoo!

I have a big rug on the floor over to the right. I found a little green table that is the perfect Mara size, and she has a paint can for a stool, plus her own little rocking chair. I'm still working on the activities; today she colored for quite a while, then played with her number and shape cards until I decided it was movie time. Yes, she interrupted me several times, but with a little direction and encouragement she kept herself occupied for the most part.

I'm thinking this can work. I'm hoping. I'm really, really hoping...

Maria Montessori, you better not have made this stuff up.

The Basics

1. It’s about character, not personality.
2. You’re a responsible creator, not an (un)empowered victim.
3. Your choices today determine your life tomorrow.
4. There is justice in the world.
5. Hard work isn’t just a fad.

Create or Be Created

<2> You are a responsible creator, not an (un)empowered victim.

My friend Mr. Webster says this about empowerment: to empower means "to give legal or moral power or authority to; Read the rest of this entry »

The Basics

1. It's about character, not personality.
2. You're a responsible creator, not an (un)empowered victim.
3. Your choices today determine your life tomorrow.
4. There is justice in the world.
5. Hard work isn't just a fad.

Quite the Character, Aren't You?

<1> It's about character, not personality.

Stephen Covey explains this well, so I'll just let him do the talking: "...shortly after World War I the basic view of success Read the rest of this entry »

It's Pulling Me In

Every time I go to the bookstore or library, I am drawn to those shelves. You know the ones. You've wandered there, too, trying not to appear too interested in how to organize your inner space or the three habits that will renew your vision.

Self-help is big. In a way, that's a good thing: at least we are admitting that we need help. We're taking a little time to think about why our lives are so busy, hectic, unfulfilled, absent of beauty. We're comparing a little more with the rest of the world, wondering if we might have lost some universal truths in the race for the American dream.

But the term "self-help" should warn us. We're still enamored of the do-it-yourself independence that got us into all these messes. We're not willing to change our "Quick, fix it so I can get back to work" mental rut. We cruise the self-help aisle and grab the title that's brightest and laid out in the simplest, bullet-point format. That way we can just skim the chapters, get the basics through the headings, and avoid all the time wasted on wading through those extraneous words. We'll be fixed and good as new by lunchtime.

Sound the "RRRRR, try again" buzzer. Read the rest of this entry »

Courtship isn't just that time, pre-marriage, when we spend lots of money on flowers and little stuffed animals and cell phone bills. Courtship is any kind of conscious behavior that displays affection, attentiveness, and attraction toward the one you love. The amazing thing about courtship is that it also tends to produce affection, attentiveness, and attraction from the one you love toward you. That's what we call a mutually beneficial arrangement.

If you've tossed the idea of courtship out as too old-fashioned for your modern dating philosophy or too demeaning for your tolerant mindset or too much work for your stuck-in-a-rut relationship, stop and think. Any successful romantic relationship requires affection, attention, and attraction.The behavior of courtship is the ideal way to demonstrate those traits, whether you are winning a new love or reaffirming an older one. Read the rest of this entry »

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From The Growing Life:

"The process of baselining

involves writing down everything you don’t have to have, be, or do, to live a happy and fulfilled life (for more on this, see here). For example, I don’t have to own nice furniture (thrift store furniture works just fine) or a house, I don’t have to finish graduate school, I don’t have to be able to tell a coherent story about how I make money. If you’re serious about doing a thorough job of baselining, you’ll download this spreadsheet and write down how much money and time you’ll eliminate by doing away with existing possessions, obligations, and self-images...What I’ve found is that my dreams naturally emerge after I’ve eliminated bullsh*t assumptions about what I have to be, do, and have in order to be happy (if this doesn’t happen for you, then simply do some dreamlining after you’ve done some baselining)." Read the rest of this entry »