SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

I went online to recheck the library books I have out. I got an error message saying "You cannot renew these items because you owe too much money."

Yesterday I made a list of 11 things to do. I did two of them. (But I did also go sledding and make snow angels. I have priorities, people.)

Ironically, I've been working on an article called "Getting Organized for Winter."

So I changed the article, because the article sho-nuff isn't changing me. Read the rest of this entry »

There's nothing like a big bowl of caviar to get you going in the morning...

And there's nothing like a food snob to make you want to run screaming to McDonald's. See how obnoxious you can make yourself. For additional help, memorize the Kitchen Glossary, complain about food and liquor pairings (even if it's just beer and chips), and order pastries by their correct French names. Refuse to eat doughnuts.

Bring your own pepper grinder and bowl of sea salt with you wherever you go.

Make a big show of pulling it out and applying the appropriate amount at those less-than-stellar restaurants you are forced to eat at with unenlightened friends. Sigh.

Curse loudly when you pass a fast food restaurant (especially)...

...or a restaurant chain of any kind. Use particular vehemence on buffets, and deliver a lecture on the insensitivity of people who eat at "those places."

Purchase basic kitchen supplies...

...such as dish soap, gloves, and drying towels exclusively at Williams Sonoma. Nothing but the highest quality in your kitchen, even if it's just used to scrub the pot after you make yet another amazing meal.

Talk about the unappreciated artisanal quality of local food.

You don't have to actually eat the food, but be sure you appreciate it.

Read obscure food writers and quote them, often.

Look shocked when other people have no idea who you're talking about. Provide even more obscure biographical facts. Look more shocked when they don't ring a bell.

Post scathing, what-do-you-know-moron comments and responses to restaurant reviews.

Correct the reviewers on opinions of taste and food presentation. Check their spelling, too.

Talk about Julia Child, James Beard, etc. by first name...

...and as if you are all old friends. Carry around your current favorite cookbook with you, everywhere. Read especially touching passages aloud.

Stock your kitchen with imported butter, expensive olive oil...

...a wide variety of vinegars, and a shelf or two of random 'gourmet' items that most people cannot identify.

Refer to burgers, pizza, chili, meatloaf, and casseroles from mom-and-pop diners...

...as the classic American cuisine, the height of comfort cooking. Discuss their origins nostalgically, even if you aren't old enough to remember them. Eat with a well-communicated sense of lost history.

Refer to different pasta types with the correct Italian pronunciation, pointedly.

Stock at least one of each, from an Italian supplier, in your pantry.

Complain about food frustrations....

...such as the poor quality of freshwater mussels, the lack of escarole, and and how the security regulations at airports have inhibited your ability to bring home more authentic foods.

Image Credit

Caviar image courtesy of angie torres on Flickr.

Use white vinegar. This stuff, apparently, is near-miraculous in its ability to remove dirt, grime, scum, gunk, and other unmentionables from the surfaces of just about nearly everything! So buy it by the gallon, or better yet, by the tanker. Store it in your backyard with a direct line in; add an extra faucet to your sink that just spews that cleaning goodness right out, and lavish it on anything that looks dirty. Just get used to people looking at you funny when you go out because you smell like pickles. And so does your house. But it's clean. It's like clean pickles.

Use baking soda. This is basically like the dry version of white vinegar, as far as I can tell. You can even brush your teeth with it! (And we know they get dirty, so go ahead and brush brush brush!) If you have something to clean but don't want it to get wet, or don't want it to smell like a Claussen's factory, then try baking soda instead of vinegar. Rub it on, rub it around, and then rinse or wipe it off. Surfaces beneath should now be sparkly clean.

Paint over it. I know this isn't technically cleaning, but it does a wonderful job of hiding dirt, grime, scum, gunk, random marker sketches on the wall, tattoos, etc. Oh, maybe not so great on the tattoos... but you can try. Besides, the same old color gets boring after a while. Quit wasting your time on scrubbing it when you're already tired of that silky lavendar that was so romantic when you first coated your bedroom walls in it. It's so 1990s now. Take it down and put up something better, like orange.

Speaking of oranges, those little navel babies have some awesome cleaning ability, right up there with the white vinegar and the baking soda. And they smell eons better than vinegar, and taste eons better than baking soda! They may not be as effective on brushing your teeth, but you'll feel better, anyway. What you want, though, is the citrus oil, not just orange juice or a slice of grapefruit. Nope, not the same at all. Apparently it's rather difficult to derive the oil from the fruit, some strange process involving citrus peels and steam and chanting.. I think this is how fruit roll-ups are made, too, but I can't be sure. At any rate, just quit being so thrifty and buy some citrus oil, then use it when you can't stand the smell of the vinegar any longer.

Burn it. Seriously. If it's that bad, and you've soaked it in vinegar, scoured it with baking soda, painted it, and poured citrus oil all over it, then it's probably not worth keeping anymore anyway. So go ahead and have a little bonfire out back with a few friends, celebrate the new simplicity in your life, and watch your stains disappear. Just be careful not to track the ashes in on the carpet...

Image courtesy of timtom.ch on Flickr.

*Time estimation is approximate. Actual results may vary.

Tough times. Tight wallets. Everybody could use a truckload of cash. Here are some really great** ideas.

1. Sell your soul.

You might get some good offers. I hear the devil's always in the market (though I'd read the fine print very carefully on that one) and you might get a good up-front payment. Of course, in the end, you won't have a soul, and that could come back to haunt you...er...

2. Hold the Internet ransom.

You know how people get about Facebook and Twitter and Squidoo and all those other addictions. If you can find a way to kidnap the Internet and then demand a hefty ransom, you will be set for life. And the great thing is, you can just ask all the users to contribute, oh, a dollar or two each for the return of the Internet; nobody will be financially ruined, and you'll end up with a great big pile of money. Just beware the angry bloggers if you don't return it in good condition.

3. Rent out your children.

If they're youngish and relatively cute, you could rent them out (supervised conditions, of course) to a) bachelors who need an excuse to talk to women, b) families who need a good Christmas photo and can't get their own offspring to sit still, or c) aging parents who want grandchildren but can't get their own grown children to procreate (or move out of the house). If they're fiendish, mischievous, loud, and/or obnoxious, you could find a great market in renting them to people who want to convince their spouses NEVER to have children.

4. Rent out your spouse.

We're not talking swingers, here, puhlease. Think practically. What's a marketable skill? You know, along those "Handy Hubby" handyman-type businesses, but according to what your spouse is good at, be it a handy-manish thing or not. Grilling burgers? Untangling shoelaces? Changing the oil? Making Saturday morning breakfast? Building a fire (only in the fireplace)? Defragmenting the hard drive? Screening phone calls? Giving you a good excuse to say no to that party you really don't want to go to?

5. Lease half your house.

Why not? Do you really need all that space? You could probably fit another entire family in there and hardly even know it. You get a bathroom; they get a bathroom. You get a bedroom; they get a bedroom. Draw a line down the middle of the "shared areas": living room, dining room, hallway, garage, kitchen. You can either have them pay half the mortgage and utilities, or charge them a comparable rent (be sure you get a deposit and a signed lease agreement).

6. Blackmail people.

Barring any potential legal issues, blackmailing can be a very lucrative venture. Not that I personally know. I don't, for the record. But if I did (which I don't) then I would suggest (which I'm not) that you look into embarrassing photos, tape-recorded conversations, or computer records for the sources of your, um, motivation. After that it's just a matter of communication.

7. Slip on ice in front of fancy restaurants and/or get in many minor car accidents and/or "accidentally" get pregnant while on birth control.

And then sue 'em all. Lots of people are making a decent living off such "incidents." Why shouldn't you? So wear those heels next time you go out and oops! You broke your ankle on the sidewalk! You are physically injuried and emotionally vulnerable and psychologically scarred. Be sure you are adept at a) victimization, b) twisting the facts in your favor, and c) believing the bizarre story you come up with from said twisted facts. Oh, and d) pulling it off with a straight face.

8. Figure out how you're being discriminated against.

Find your -ism and then find somebody who said something bad about it and you're set. Pretty much. It's best if the person who said something bad about it actually has money, in large amounts, otherwise you might win a civil suit but they might not be able to pay you anything so you just wasted your time. And don't make your -ism too obscure; it needs to be legitimate enough to have a couple of support groups, corroborating stories, and sympathetic witnesses to go along with your discrimination experience.

9. Sell all your belongings on eBay.

Simplicity is the new rich. Go with the trend and sell every one of your possessions on eBay. Be sure you figure in shipping costs.

10. Find your special talent, then find the right reality TV show.

There's one out there for you, and they're all looking for the star of the next big season in reality tv. Get some good headshots, or just show up at the studio and demand a meeting with the production, production assistant, director, writer, or key grip. Somebody. Anybody. Keep at it until they listen. The more extreme you are, the better. Go all the way.

** "Really great" is a subjective term and could be misconstrued due to personal interpretation.

Disclaimer: These suggestions are all made in the good spirit of sarcasm, i.e., don't take them seriously. If any one of you reading is stupid or amoral enough to attempt them, then the last thing you really need is a lot of money.

Image Courtesy of The Hiking Artist on Flickr.

My Personal Growth Definition

I hold a pretty broad definition of personal growth: anything that is an attempt to better myself, whether it be inward, outward, as a person, a wife, a writer, a parent, a friend, a woman...
Exercising regularly is part of my personal growth. Taking time to pray is part of my personal growth. Having a date night with my husband is part of my personal growth. Planning and organizing my work time is part of my personal growth. Reading to my kids is part of my personal growth. Going to bed early with a new magazine and a little dark chocolate is part of my personal growth.

The problem with such an inclusive definition is that the efforts I am making get swallowed up in normal routines and I don't remember to keep track of what I'm actually trying to accomplish. Then even if I'm making progress, I don't know it, so I get discouraged. I have a couple of methods that are helpful for keeping track of that progress, so I can congratulate myself or push myself a little harder, as the case may be.

3 Ways to Track Your Progress

• Joe's Goals is a simple online tool.
  It makes it easy to organize and track your goals. You're already checking your email, anyway! You create a user name and password (quick and simple form) and then you can add as many goals as you want, and you can add logs to keep notes about your goals. I went a little overboard when I first found this site and popped about 20 goals up there, which quickly became more burdensome than encouraging to keep up with. So I recommend sticking to a smaller amount, the ones that you really want to make progress in, and focus on tracking those.
• Keeping a journal helps me, too.
  I just use a simple spiral notebook, these days, though I've gone from one extreme to the other with what I write in as a journal. I like those pretty, thick journals with unlined pages the best, but sometimes the formality of it keeps me from using it practically. Maybe I'll graduate up from spiral-bound one of these days, but I'm going to keep it simple for now.
  I use it to track progress by simply jotting a few notes down in my daily writing time. For example, right now I write down what I'm reading in the Bible that morning (as well as any verses that particularly stand out) and then usually a little outline of what I want to accomplish in writing that day. On a more "journaling" level, I write about what's frustrating me, what I feel stuck on, what I'm making progress in, what I'd like to work on in the future, what it might be time to drop. It's a good way to think through the choices I'm making in personal growth.
• My daily planner is my other key tool.
  I have a big but simple one: it's 8 1/2" by 11" size, in weekly divisions, so each day of the week has a nice big space to write in. I draw a couple of lines down the days, so I end up with three sections in each day. One shows me my basic schedule, any events or activities; the next is my to do list (non-writing) for the day; and the last is my editorial calendar for the day. My planner is my best tool for reaching my goals with what I'm writing, because it lets me see quickly what I haven't accomplished, what is important, what is due, and when I'm trying to do too much.

Other Ideas

• Make a chart and put it on your bathroom or bedroom wall.
• Find a friend pursuing the same goal and keep each other accountable for daily/weekly progress. This works really well for exercise, for me.
• Buy yourself a reward (something you really want) and then give it to your spouse or a friend for safekeeping. You get it only when you have reached a certain point (lost 10 lbs., logged 10 miles, written 10 pages, called 3 friends, whatever).
• Schedule a particular time every day or week for working on your goal, and note whether or not you keep the appointment.
• Use a coin jar to track your progress: put a coin in for every mile you run, page you write, day you get up early... When the jar is full, count them up! Then go cash in and get something fun. Then start over.