SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

It is 8:30 on a Saturday night and I am about to gorge myself on good chocolate and books. I am full of resolution. I am full of cheer. I am alone with the hot running water, in a cocoon the color of the shower curtain. My library loot is stacked beside me on the handmade, colored "Mara HEARTS Daddy" step stool. A pile of Ghirardellis on the ledge of the tub, next to my bottle of cold water.

Joe's out snowboarding, the 3-under-3 are sleeping, and tonight I'm kicking it Mommy-style. Mommy after 3 days of no-routines, messy-house, movie-overload, good-times chaos. Mommy after 3 days of feeling slightly guilty that she has trouble going with the flow and that
she kind of resents the extra work that results from all this fun. Read the rest of this entry »

I'm always there. I'm overseeing every moment of their little lives. Even on bad hair days.

They may not know it, but
I'm always close, watching, listening, protecting. Why? Right now, it's about guiding and training their behavior, protecting them from any sort of abuse, and guarding their little hearts from fear, insecurity, confusion.
That means I don't just blithely send them off to whatever activity or childcare is offered. My default is that they stay with me. I want to know what's going on with them, what they're experiencing. I have to be there to know that.

I choose very carefully the people who take care of them when I need a sitter - it's grandparents or Aunties or, very rarely, a single gal I know and trust who has a great track record with us. I have a few other standbys - married women who are raising/have raised kids in the same kind of protecting, nurturing way - but every there I'm careful, prayerful. Paranoid? Maybe, but I don't think so. These children - my children - are innocent little travelers in a big, rough world.

They'll grow up and be capable of handling it, but that's not for a while yet. Right now their hearts and minds are so tender, impressionable. A scary cartoon has a big effect. If I let them loose into a world of confusing, conflicting adult standards, the number of negative experiences would increase 1000%. Not all would be really bad. A kid doesn't have to be abused to become hurt, scared, and unsure about right and wrong.
I want my children to grow up to be adults who know right and wrong as absolutes and who have a positive, optimistic outlook. Differing standards and negative experiences undermine those two goals. No, I can't control everything. I'm not saying I always say no, or that I never let them out to learn and interact. I am saying this, though: I'm there.

I'm there to see what happens, to explain, to shield, to provide security and reason even when things are difficult. I tell my kids the truth. When our dog died, I told them. When they asked if Gigi (my step Mom) was my Mommy, I explained: No, my Mommy died. (Their answer: Like our doggie died? Yes, kids, death is death.)
They live in this fallen world too and they can't be shielded from all pain, nor should they be. But I'm in charge of their pain management. Joe and I are the interpreters of the world for them. When big scary things happen, we are there to put it in context for them. And you don't know what a big scary thing is to them unless you're there.

So. Unless one of my tried-and-true, trusted sitters is available, our kids stay with me. And even when the sitters are available, most of the time our kids stay with me. I love them. I want them with me. I want to be there. We leave them maybe twice a month for a date night out. Other times we have date night in (better dress code...).
I pass on most Mommy's Day Out, drop and shop, etc programs where there are way too many factors out of my control. Every week or two, when I get claustrophobic and need time to be me-sans-Mommyness, Joe keeps the kids at home and I go out for a couple of hours.

For classes and fun stuff like dance or gym or sports that I want them to be part of (and there aren't many), I make sure 1) it's a group deal with 2+ adults there at all times and 2) I stay and watch to see how things go for a while before I leave, IF I leave and 3) I'm always early for pickup time, to see how things wrap up and to be sure my child isn't left alone unsupervised or uncertain about what's net. I avoid situations that I can't predict with accuracy when it comes to leaving my children.

That's the place I've come to with my kids. They are very young right now, and as they grow we will have a bit more freedom. But I come back to this truth: these little people are given to me as a trust. No one else has the heart and instinct and mind to mother my children, because God gave that to me. I'm their Mom, and these days of intensive mothering are few and swiftly passing. I want to make the most of them.

(Poor kids. This means they're definitely going to end up weird like me. Mwahahaha.)

What do you think? How do you handle the endless opportunities for outings? What are you standards? How do you fit in alone time?

This post is part of the 30-Minute Blogging Challenge at SteadyMom.

Focus:

the concentration of attention or energy on something

At this moment, my two older children - Mara, 3 1/2, and Robbie, 2 - are sitting quietly looking at flashcards and books while I drink a fresh cup of coffee and type out a 30-minute blog post. I'm feeling a little triumphant because they are being obedient - still and quiet. No talking. (Robbie just sneezed but I guess that's allowed...).

This moment is brought to you by the word FOCUS. We have lots to work on here in the Mueller household. I'm still trying to get them to say Yes Ma'am, they still whine, we have incredibly long and messy dinnertimes, we go through 3,000 rolls of toilet paper a month due to their unrolling habits, etc.

But what I'm getting to understand is that I can't fix it all at once, and when I try, I just get so overwhelmed that I quit trying on anything. Then we really do have chaos. This last week I've chosen to focus on a few habits I want to build and behaviors I want to correct. One of them is having a regular quiet time every morning. The first day involved lots of correction: "No, be still. Shh. Don't talk. Mara, don't talk. Robbie, you can't talk either. Look at your book. No, Robbie, stay on the rug. Mara, whispering is still talking. No, you can't ask questions right now. Shh. Shh. Hush. Shh." And so on.

But they started getting it. We did pretty good, had quiet time several days in a row, and then one day we were busy and I forgot. The next morning, in the middle of playtime, Mara stopped and said, "Mommy, are we going to have quiet time today?" I was kind of shocked, because it was a hopeful question. She actually enjoys this enforced quiet time? Really?

But then... I started thinking. Focus. I takes focus for me to order my days and be sure the most important things get done. At times this means leaving other things, less important things, undone. That's difficult for me.

Imagine being three years old. Imagine all the options of play time, of a day at home. Imagine all the conflicts possible. Imagine all the decisions you have to make, and none of them are insignificant to your three-year-old brain.

It took some faith for me to focus, and to receive limits in my life as a gift from God instead of a deprivation. And that's what this quiet time is for Mara and Robbie. It's a deprivation, of sorts, because there are imposed limits. But it's also a time where they are free to focus on one thing, sink into one book or small art project or simple toy, and focus their attention without the pull of other options. In learning how to focus for myself, I am giving my children the same gift that I am receiving.

Thank You, Jesus. We need some more of that good stuff around here.

What are you focused on today?
---
This post is part of the 30-minute blogging challenge at Steady Mom.

The most potent influence for good that the world knows is a whole minded Christian home.
In such a home the life of the parents expresses their convictions rather than their frailties and their instruction of the children in the truths of the Christian faith is easy and natural, for it is but an explanation of the motives which actually determine the behavior which the children see and the conditions of life which they share.
Such a home is quiet, unhurried, without strain and stress.

The feelings and emotions inducted within the children by the contagion of sympathy are unhectic, sound, and wholesome.
The suggestions of such a home are in right directions, its unconscious models worthy of imitation.
Its authority is reasonable, its spirit that of mutual affection, its members are friends and comrades who stick together in work and in play.

In such a home the kingdom of God begins to come on earth,

that Kingdom which will come fully when all men realize that they have one Father and are brethren.
To such a home many of us can look back, and we thank God that it imparted its spirit, not just by precept or instruction, but by the uncounted, unintended vital influences of its atmosphere.
Text from " The Training of Children in the Christian Home" by Luther Allan Weigle.

It's a movie day.

Mara and Robbie watched a Baby Einstein while they ate breakfast, and now they're almost through "Finding Nemo." And it's not even 11:00...

Didactic Disney

The Disney movies are almost all didactic; I don't like all the lessons they try to teach, but in the Nemo case I do. Dorie and Marlin are the example, the dichotomy through the movie. Marlin is anxious, nervous, stressed, fearful, paralyzed. Dorie is happy-go-lucky, adventurous, inquisitive, good-natured, joyful.

The Dichotomy

Marlin remembers every hurt, every pain, every fear realized.

Dorie forgets.

Marlin nurses his wounds, counts his scars, and resents.

Dorie accepts what comes her way, forgets the details, and sees life as an adventure.

Of course, the plot is set up so Marlin learns the lesson: Read the rest of this entry »

Attributes of Fools

Fools:

• Despise wisdom
• Despise instruction
• Hate knowledge
• Are destroyed by prosperity
• Inherit shame
• Are clamorous
• Are simple
• Know nothing
• Weigh parents down
• Will fall
• Are near destruction
• Lie
• Hide hatred
• Utter slanders
• Listen to gossip
• Die for lack of wisdom
• Delight in mischief
• Are right in their own eyes
• Make their anger known
• Proclaim foolishness
• Bring shame
• Are destroyed

Raising Up Fools

Let's translate that list into parenting.

When I ignore my husband, ridicule my pastor, and otherwise demean authority figures and teachers in my life, I am teaching my children to hate wisdom and instruction.
When I panic, yell, argue loudly, speak before I listen, nitpick, and quarrel, I am teaching my children to be clamorous. When I allow them to interrupt, argue, question authority rudely, and make demands, I am teaching them to be clamorous.
When I give my children silly answers to serious questions. I am raising them to be simple-minded.

When I give my children arbitrary rules with no underlying principles, I am raising them to be fools who know nothing.

When I don't teach them how to communicate with respect, when I make excuses for them, I am turning them into children who will bring shame and weigh us, their parents, down.

When I allow temper tantrums...
When I give explanations for everything...
When I don't set boundaries...
When I act like a fool...

I am raising fools.

That's kind of heavy, isn't it? Hang with me here. It gets better. Read the rest of this entry »

I like being naturally healthy. But first,

The Disclaimer:

I'm not a doctor or a medical professional or a certified herbalist or anything of the sort. None of the advice or information provided here is intended to be medical advice. Use common sense, talk to your doctor about illnesses or persistent symptoms.

There, now that's done, let's get on with it shall we? First a little primer: Read the rest of this entry »

Why is it that we parents always fall back on negative reinforcement to get the training job done? Or maybe when I say "we parents" I really just mean myself. Maybe all you other Mommies are all about the positive reinforcement, encouragement, rewards, pats on the back, and the rest.

My husband's primary love language is words of encouragement; he's awesome with encouraging and motivating positively. He is also a very compassionate and giving person. I am, well, let's just say that mercy and generosity are not my strengths. Heh.
So I tend to be pretty black-and-white, and I tend to be kind of unsympathetic, and I tend to just dole out punishment "as needed" until I get tired of doling out punishment, at which point I resort to threatening and repeating. Bad cycle.

Well. It occurred to me that training, teaching, even (gasp) parenting can be a positive experience if I take a little initiative. Basically I got tired of being the NO woman and I wanted to set things up so I got to hand out rewards instead of, oh, spankings. Voila.

The chart was born: in this case, "Mara's Big Girl Skills Chart." Mara is 3 1/2 and all about being a big girl and doing things herself... unless it's bedtime, and she's tired, and I tell her to get her pajamas on. Or it's morning, and she just got up, and I tell her to get dressed. Or playtime is over, and there are toys everywhere, and I tell her to clean up. Suddenly that big-girl independence isn't so appealing.

So I made the chart. It has five big rectangles, and each one has a little description and lots of space for stickers. I don't know about your 3 1/2 year old little girl, but mine loves stickers. And even more than stickers, she loves new toys, surprises, treats: happies, I call them. So I taped the chart on her closet door and I told her the deal: everytime you complete one of these things by yourself, you earn one sticker. When you earn five stickers, you get a happy.

That night we were getting close to bedtime so I started rounding up kids for the pajama routine.
Me: "Mara, time for bed! Go potty and get your pjs on!"
Mara: "Mooooommmmmmyyyy, I think, I think, I think you need help me."
Me: "Okay, Mara, I will be happy to help you. But if you go potty and get your pjs on all by yourself, you get a sticker! If I help you, you don't get a sticker."
Mara: "Oh. Ummmm, I think, I think I can do it all by self."
Me: (smiling gleefully) "Okay, Mara!"

And she did "all by self" go potty and get pajamas on. The next day we had a similar conversation about getting dressed; and she did, "all by self," get dressed. And then put on her socks and shoes. And then cleaned up her toys. And then got ready for bed... and by that time, had earned enough stickers to get a prize which was a new can of Play-Dough. Best $0.84 I ever spent.

I think she enjoyed the whole process almost as much as I did...

Just today I updated her chart, which is covered with stickers. She's gotten so good at the items on the chart that it's time to move on to some more challenging items. By the way, this whole concept worked great for a little night-time issue we were having: every night (or, more accurately, eeeeeearly every morning), Mara would appear in our bedroom. And want to sleep with us. Usually I just let her, or threw a blanket on the floor and told her to sleep there. It was getting old, though, so I put "sleeping in my own bed all night" on the chart. Every night when I tucked her in, I would remind her: "If you sleep in your own bed all night, you'll get a sticker on your chart in the morning!"
And in the morning, if she was in our bed, I'd say, "Oh, too bad we can't give you a sticker this morning!" If she had stayed in her own bed, she got a sticker and a hug and a high-five and a great display of congratulations. I think it took about a week. She now stays in her bed all night almost every night.

Chart 1:
"I got dressed all by myself!"
"I put on my socks and shoes by myself!"
"I cleaned up my toys!"
"I got ready for bed by myself!"
"I slept in my own bed all night!"

Chart 2:
"Clear dishes and wipe counter after a meal."
"Get dressed and straighten my bedroom."
"Put away toys/clean up my area."
"Do my chores and/or help Mommy."
"Get ready for bed and pick up the bathroom."

We'll see how Chart 2 goes. I'm hoping we can graduate from just getting dressed to getting dressed and NOT leaving half the contents of the closet on the floor... Meanwhile, I need to go find some more stickers.

Image courtesy of Pink Sherbet Photography on Flickr.

1. It won't last forever.
2. You will sleep again.
3. It's not just okay, it's absolutely necessary to ask for help.
4. Take a nap every chance you get.
5. Enlist the slowcooker, the pizza place, your husband, your in-laws, your Chinese delivery place for help with dinner. No shame.
6. Peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches count as a home-cooked meal.
7. Your baby won't look like a Gerber commercial all the time. It's okay.
8. Take a bath or a shower every single day, put on a little makeup, and put on some fresh clothes. You'll feel a thousand times better.
9. A newborn requires something like 8 to 10 hours of care per day. You're working a full-time job in addition to being a wife, a home-maker, etc. Give yourself a break.
10. Keep easy, protein-rich snacks on hand: string cheese, yogurt, protein bars, trail mix. Eat them.
11. Drink water till you feel like you're floating. It will help you feel more energized, it will refresh you, it will clean out your body, it will make your skin brighter.
12. Go to bed as early as you want to whenever you can.
13. Tell people what you need help with specifically: they're not good at guessing (especially husbands).
14. If the house is a mess and it's driving you crazy, pick one thing to tackle each day. Monday, sweep the floor. Tuesday, put away laundry. Wednesday, pick up clutter. Don't try to clean the whole house and bring complete order in one day.
15. Hire a housecleaner, if you can, to come one afternoon or morning and get things scrubbed and shiny. It will give you a boost for getting back into a routine.
16. Trust your gut. It's great to read parenting books and get advice, but keep things in perspective. Go with your gut. You're the Mommy.
17. Say NO loudly and firmly when sick people ask to get near or hold your baby. It is NOT worth it to end up with a sick newborn.
18. Babies cry. This is a natural thing, and it does not mean there is a crisis, you are a bad Mommy, or anything like that. Remember that crying is their only way of communicating at this point. Sometimes all they're saying is, "Hey, um, I'm bored. Can you do that funny peek-a-boo thing again?"
19. Emotions, sleeplessness, and hormones are a crazy combination. It's normal to feel overwhelmed. It's normal to cry. It's normal to be frustrated. Talk to your spouse, your Mom, your best friend. If you feel depressed for more than a few days, talk to your doctor.
20. You will make mistakes; this is a law of parenting. But you will still be the best possible parent for your baby, so hang in there, do your best, take care of yourself, and relax your standards. Perfection isn't the goal; love is. The more you relax, the more you will enjoy your baby.

Image courtesy of therapycatguardian on Flickr.