Several ideas floating in the space inside my head. (There's some extra room that my brain doesn't occupy).

There's a new ladies' Bible study starting at church this Wednesday evening. My first thought was that I definitely don't have time, don't need another commitment, and don't want to get into another evening event, especially one that take me away from my husband. Obviously, he doesn't fit into the "ladies" category, so he is not exactly welcome...

But since that initial reaction, I've had second thoughts. The last few Sundays as I've sat in church, or looked out at the congregation during worship times, or walked the aisle before and after services, I've seen the glaring absence of fellowship in my life. I know these people, sure. I like them, and I think they like me. I know their basic life situations. I don't push past the surface, though. I don't sit down, spend time, ask the deeper questions. I don't open up. I'm not vulnerable with them. I answer questions almost flippantly, as I would with a stranger in the grocery store.

Fellowship is sacred. I can feel the lack of it in my spirit, especially since my Mom died last summer and I am craving the warmth of the generous, feminine spirit that she was to me. A ladies' Bible study isn't going to replace my Mom, but it could be a first step toward building those relationships that could grow into something valuable and important.

Mom is one of those other thoughts I have been unable to avoid since the new year began. I thought Christmas would be difficult. It was different, but good. Everything since then has been difficult.

Grieving is a strange process. The first few months I was emotionally numb. I would pick up the phone to call Mom and tell her something cute Mara did, then realize... and just put the phone down and go on to the next thing, zombie-like. After that I started crying more; every few days or so I would soak Joe's shoulder and he would comfort me, and then we would go on.

Now, though, I just feel this deep ache. I feel like I could cry and never stop, so I am not letting myself begin. There is simply this huge regret, this longing to have one more conversation, one more hug, one more time to sit down beside her at the piano and sing a new song together.

I know one more would never be enough.