The Princess Phase
My daughter, Mara, newly turned 4 years old, is in what you’d call a Princess Phase. It’s kind of strange for me; I don’t remember the same happening in my childhood, probably because I was in a Cowboys-and-Indians Phase from age 4 to age, uh, 11. I guess that precluded the Princess years, for me. (Does Indian Princess count? I mean, Native American Princess?)
That’s why I’m fascinated by her natural Princess tendencies and the way she lets them show. Things like
- Referring to herself as “The Princess,” complete with 3rd person pronouns, for long stretches of time. “Look at The Princess twirl, Mommy!” *Twirls. “See? See how she twirls?”
- Wearing her Genuine Cinderella dress for days at a time. Would be weeks if I would let her.
- Pointing out that she looks just like Cinderella when wearing the Genuine Cinderella dress. You can view the Cinderella button for comparison.
- Playing “The Princess Game,” which she invented. Here’s how you play: the Princesses go into the sunroom and shut the door. The remaining player stands out in the living room and says, “Princesses coming!” at which point, of course, the Princesses parade through. Fanfare optional. Repeat ad infinitum.
Defining Your Own Beauty
A few days ago we walked up to the church for some music, and I was kind of awestruck as I watched her run back down the hill. Two words: beautiful and free. She is as confident and joyful in her beauty as she is confident and joyful in her freedom to be exactly who she is.
Who says a Princess can’t wear flip flops?
Who says a Princess can’t run like a little deer?
Who says a Princess doesn’t do fancy Princess twirls in the grass?
Who says a Princess can’t make big muscles?
Her beauty is her own. She defines it, she claims it, she accepts it, and she shares it. No pride, no self-consciousness, no shame, no fear.
Ignoring and Conforming = Not Confidence
Compare that with a typical grown woman’s morning routine: It’s the “pick out and try on multiple outfits, wriggle around, strut in front of the mirror, grimace, change, repeat, put on make-up, change outfits again, try on shoes, look in the mirror, grimace, grown, do hair, redo mascara, find jewelry, put on another outfit, change shoes, look in mirror, adjust hair, put on earrings, put on perfume, question outfit, put other shoes back on, change earrings, forget the necklace, fix mascara smear, run out the door” dance.
At the end of it, most of us don’t feel beautiful and we certainly don’t feel free.
The other standard grown woman routine is the “grab a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, rub off the mascara smears from yesterday, whip hair into ponytail, look for matching socks, give up and just find two semi-matching socks, put on tennis shoes, and deliberately avoid the mirror” dance.
At the end of that, beautiful and free are not even part of our vocabulary any more.
What Is Confidence?
Is confidence dressing up, strutting around, working hard to match an image in your mind of how a beautiful woman should look?
Is confidence dressing down, not caring, giving the world a bleary eyed gaze that says “I’ve got too much going on to deal with how I look”?
We women tend to two extremes:
- We ignore our own beauty, shuffling it up under baggy eyes, stringy hair, outdated clothes. We give up on beauty for a sloppy kind of freedom.
- Or we conform our beauty, stuffing it into the right kind of outfit, the right kind of make-up, the right kind of hair style. We give up on freedom for a conformed kind of beauty.
We lose either beauty or freedom in each case, sometimes both. When was the last time you felt beautiful? When was the last time you felt free? When was the last time you felt both at the same moment?
Confidence is the soul-deep ability to acknowledge your own beauty and stand in your own freedom. At the same time. It’s not one or the other. It’s not a mediocre version of either.
Reclaiming Confidence
What do we need to do to reclaim confidence?
I’ve never been the Princess type; getting on a fancy dress and matching jewelry would make me feel more uncomfortable than beautiful or free. A particular kind of beauty is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about something deeper. I’m talking about being a t-shirt-and-jeans girl if that’s who you really are, but not hiding out in a t-shirt and jeans because you’re afraid to let that shiny, sparkly, dressy girl be herself.
Confidence is defining your own beauty, claiming it, accepting it, and sharing it.
Here’s what I recommend:
- Read the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Here’s a review, or here’s the book on Amazon. Actually, I have a review copy, so maybe I’ll find that and give it away.
- Clean out your closet. I’m not a fashion expert, nor a closet organization expert, but I can tell you two simple things that will help. First, throw out anything that doesn’t fit well and feel good. Second, get rid of anything that makes you feel less than beautiful. I’m serious. I’m not saying you have to be formal. I’m saying throw out the huge, baggy, grungy t-shirt and keep the sleek one that fits and feels nice. Throw out the old baggy jeans and keep the pair that make your butt look good. Throw out the dress that looks like something your Grandma would wear and keep the happy springy sun dress that makes you feel like a teenager.
- Clean out the clutter in your house. Clutter is dead weight in the space that is the heart of your existence. The prettiest stuff gets ugly when it is clutter. Box it up, ship it out, give it away, make someone’s day. There are plenty of charities and poor folks around who could use your excess. Physical clutter in your home creates an environment that is the opposite of beautiful and free. Not what you’re going for. Go here, here, or here for more help on getting rid of clutter.
- Clean out the comparing. Read more about that right here, here, and here.
- Build up the things in your life that add real confidence. Over the next week, I challenge you to keep a little log of your days, the events and activities and people and chores and so on. Take five minutes at the end of each day to figure out what made you feel more confident and what tore your confidence down. Of course there are limits and qualifiers here; attitude, emotions, hormones, etc. And you can’t get rid of your husband, say, if you had an argument and he made you feel inadequate. But you can look at what caused the argument and find wisdom there. And you can cut out a lot of things in your life – trips to the mall, lunch dates with that friend who only gossips, playdates with that Mom who has nothing in common with you, obligatory social events, too many school functions, nagging your kids, ignoring your husband. Those things cut down your confidence because they don’t line up with the person you really are. Cut that stuff out. It’s your life. Live it to your best.