SISTER WISDOM

by Annie Mueller

I’ve stated before that one of my goals as a parent is for my children to be as independent as possible. That doesn’t mean they get to run wild; it means I make strategic choices to encourage them into independence on my terms, which looks like this:

• able to play by themselves without my constant intervention and direction
• able to handle conflict by themselves
• unafraid to try new things
• ready to learn and use new skills
• equipped to do what they can for themselves

You have to make conscious choices to encourage independent (not rebellious) children, which means children who will be independent learners. These choices don’t always look like typical parenting. Be prepared for some funny looks… and for a great pay-off: intelligent kids who can entertain themselves and who are interested in the world around them.

1. Time

   Two essential elements of time in a child’s life will either encourage or squelch independent learning.

   Element 1: Schedule/Routine. Kids need stability and a normal schedule with steady routines gives them that. When they have that stability, they have the security and confidence they need to explore and do stuff on their own. Kids without stability will be clingy or rebellious or (most often) an irritating combination of both.

   Element 2: Stretches of Time. Schedules give you an idea of where you’re going and what you’re doing; routines make it easy to accomplish the where and what. But schedules should also include stretches of time that are empty: time in which your kids are not entertained, organized, directed, instructed, or otherwise dominated (however sweetly) by a grown-up guide.

2. Boredom

   
   Boredom correlates with summer for most parents, because kids are suddenly free from the planned and structured days of schooling and left to their own plans and structures.
   It’s an overwhelming responsibility at first: a kid whose days have been directed in fifteen-minute increments must suddenly figure out his own way. Plan some summer things, sure, but not too many.
   Allow boredom to happen. Boredom is the space between entertainment and creativity. Too often we Moms jump in with the urge to fix and entertain and we prevent our kids from getting to creativity. Ignore the whines and leave them a little longer. Boredom never killed anybody.

3. Space

   Give your kids a little freedom from you by creating space, both physical and mental, for some of those open stretches of time. The best pattern for me and my kids has been about 10 to 15 minutes of “Mom time” followed by some time/space for independent play.
   We do something together, like reading books, singing songs, working outside, doing an art activity; then I get myself busy with work of my own, usually in my office or the kitchen, and I send them out of that room. I can still see and hear what is going on but it’s harder for me to intervene and direct and it’s easier for them to forget Mom and work things out for themselves.

4. Play

   I use the terms “independent play” and “independent learning” interchangeably because, essentially, they are the same thing. Independent play is independent learning; we just don’t also recognize it. It is also preparation for more mature independent learning. The patterns you set for play will become the patterns you follow for learning.

5. One Assumption

   Children who will be great at independent play and learning need one assumption from their parents. This single assumption will instill freedom and confidence in both you – the parent – and in your children.
   Assume that they know how and that they are capable unless they prove otherwise.

   Usually parents make the opposite assumption, and jump in to explain and help even when kids don’t need it. Sure, use common sense. A three-year-old shouldn’t be assumed capable of handling a sharp knife. But within safety boundaries, assume that they can unless they prove that they can’t. And let them struggle a bit. If they get to the place where they ask for help after they have already given a good try, they will actually be ready to listen and learn. Your instruction will be effective if you don’t give it too soon.

Remember: you’ve got to make conscious parenting choices if you want to encourage independent learning.
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Photos by orangeacid, John Morgan.