SISTER WISDOM

So. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about, well, things I think about. Which includes, sometimes, stupid things and often strange things and sometimes just boring things. At least I think they’re boring because as far as I know, other people don’t think about them so that must mean other people aren’t interested in them so that must mean they’re boring. Right? (Are you bored yet?)

found: repressed penelope. please return to owner.

I’m finding out a few things about myself. After reading 30 or so posts in a row from Penelope Loves Lists, I think I’m a repressed Penelope. I think I caught on early in life to the fact that (what were those words she used? anal-retentive, perfectionist, and so on) the Penelope type isn’t always the popular girl at the party. She doesn’t always fit in. If she’s going to fit in, she might just have to smooth over some of her Penelope ways. You know what I mean?

I was a shy kid, and sometimes, despite the fact that now I will eagerly talk to just about any stranger, anywhere, anytime, about (almost) anything, I still get attacks of shyness. Everyday. With the people I know best.

And that shyness makes me want to do everything I can to fit in. Just fit in, Annie, darn it, quit being so weird. Don’t be too anal-retentive. Don’t be too clean-freakish. Don’t be too organized, or detailed, or superpowered, or hyperactive, or scheduled, or seen making lists of my lists. Don’t push yourself too much, succeed too much and make other people feel bad. I want people to like me. I want to please people. I want to make people happy.

and now for a review of my motives

Why do I want to make people happy?
Because other people’s happiness makes me happy.

Sounds noble, doesn’t it? Ah, what a selfless creature, living for the happiness of others. But we should all know, us people-pleasers (you don’t have to raise your hands here, we’ll just be a People Pleasers Anonymous with no formal introductions), that the desire to please is, at the root, a selfish desire.

In the end (or, I guess I should say, at the beginning), it’s all about me. It’s all about how I feel, how I can make me happy.

When I am the one making other people happy, they like me. They accept me. They give me pats on the back. I feel needed, wanted, affirmed, and worthwhile. Oh I love feeling neeeeeeeeded. I crave it. It’s an addiction.

and now for a review of our mistakes. just two of them, though.

SuperMan and I were talking on the way home from Mississippi (I Love Road Trips) about mistakes we’ve made. Two in particular. I’ll give you a little breakdown of these two particular ones, in irritatingly vague terms. Sorry, it’s for the sake of enduring interpersonal relationships.

Mistake #1:

At a point about two years ago, I pressured Joe to finish up a particular family project, a big project, because 1) I wanted it done just for all the “benefits” it would bring us, and 2) I wanted to please other people and I thought this particular, finished project would be a humdinger of a way to do it. (Did I realize all this at the time? Maybe. Probably not fully.) Well, guess what? Joe likes to make me happy, so he felt the pressure and he tried to make it happen. The result? A time-energy-money suck that we’re still dealing with. We’ll get past it, but it’s going to take a while.

Mistake #2:

At a point also about two years ago (geez what was wrong with us two years ago? and have we gotten over it yet?), we let the emotional pressure of a particular situation drive us away from it instead of finding a positive way to deal with it. Honestly, at that point, we didn’t really see a positive way to deal with it, but we didn’t really stop, think, and pray about it. We could have. About a year after that, we had the opportunity to deal with it positively and we kind of did, but not all the way, and we hesitated… and the opportunity passed. And now, my friends, it is unlikely (at best) to roll back around again. Sometimes you only get one chance (or in our case, I guess it was two but that’s not a guarantee… ).

and now for a review of our reviews. hang in there.

Ever made any mistakes like those? The heart of the matter is simple enough, in both cases:

Mistake #1 was a result of being motivated by the desire to please people so they would like us. So that we would be happy.
Mistake #2 was a result of trying to defend ourselves from a hurtful and confusing situation so we wouldn’t get hurt. So that we wouldn’t be unhappy.

And now the $42,000 question: can Joe and Annie learn from their mistakes? Or are they doomed to repeat them in a never-ending, self-defeating, masochistic and dizzying cycle of self-centeredness and self-defensiveness? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK.

Oh, nevermind. I’ll go ahead and write the conclusion and then try to live up to it.

today I make my resolution.

I am going to be a person who learns from her mistakes. Probably not all of them, people, because if I had to consciously review all my past mistakes in order to gain a lesson from them I would end up rocking back and forth and humming to myself in the hall closet. But Holy Flapping Pancakes, Batman, I can at least learn something from some of them.

Would you like to hear what I’ve learned so far? (Or is it so painfully obvious that repeating it is like saying VIN Number? Get it? V I N – the N means Number so when you say Number after the N you’re just repeating… um.. where did everybody go?)

Whatever, you get to hear it so quit complaining and read just one more measly paragraph and then Kool-aid and cookies for everyone!

measly paragraph about life lessons thus far learned from my mistakes

#1: It’s nice to make people happy, but as a primary motivation for life, it just doesn’t work. Sometimes it is not worth it. Sometimes what I think will make other people happy is so far from what will actually contribute to my long-term happiness that the twain can never actually co-exist, so I need to let one go. I’m voting to let go of that elusive other-people’s-happiness because a) I don’t really know what will make them happy and b) it isn’t my job to make them happy.
#2: Running away from problems does not solve problems. Avoiding hurt feelings does not guarantee you will not get hurt. Isolating yourself does not mean that you will be safe. It means that you will be lonely and will have made a large space in which to cultivate resentment, bitterness, and the lie we call victimization. If you want to be a grown-up, you need to deal with your problems. If the right choice is to get away, it should be done not in self-defensive knee-jerks, but with a thought-out, prayed-out decision.

End life lessons. Now, somebody get some Dixie cups for the Kool-aid, and everybody get a vanilla-creme-filled sandwich cookie… Nom nom nom.
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{annoying follow-up questions intended to spur a discussion}
1. How do you treat other people in order to secure your own happiness? Some of us try to please (okay, lots of us); some of us try to control; some of us manipulate; some of us attempt to be all things to all people by pleasing, controlling, and manipulating. Is it fair – to others, to yourself – to put your happiness on their shoulders? Is it fair to think you can provide happiness for them?
2. How do you isolate yourself in order to avoid pain? It could be by withdrawing emotionally, by staying too busy, by putting up a front (“Oh, everything’s fine, we’re good, kids are great, life is peachy, I’m just swell, blahdiblah”), or by ignoring or deliberately misunderstanding people. Isolation is not a way to solve a problem. It only intensifies the pain by adding loneliness and resentment. How can you start dealing with pain (real or imagined) instead of avoiding it?
3. Which do you prefer, the vanilla-filled or lemon-filled sandwich cookies? Or do you like those daisy shaped ones with the hole in the middle that you can stack on your finger? I’m taking votes for next week…