SISTER WISDOM

I am feeling totally burned out and the last thing I want to do right now is write. I don’t even really want to read, and that’s a sure sign of word fatigue at its worst incarnation. I want to sleep. Oh. Coffee might help.

There are two little girls in the kitchen and I’m watching them through the big pass-through. They are standing on little blue chairs in front of the sink, “washing dishes” for me. Happy. Intensely involved in their work. Oblivious to the water on the counter, on the floor, on their shirts. I think right now they’re guessing what soap bubbles taste like and wondering why I won’t let them taste to find out…

The Conflict Between What Is Needed and What I Want

Writing through burn-out. Working through fatigue. Giving through selfishness. That’s what it comes down to, isn’t it? Writing or working or caring for children or giving careful attention to a conversation when what you want is to run away, anywhere away, far away. It is the conflict between what I’m feeling, which is telling me what I want, and what is needed from me.

It is a sign of maturity when you can ignore the feelings and simply do what is needed, in spite.

In Spite of the Feelings

Not without the feelings. That’s a crock. In spite of the feelings. You can’t turn emotions on and off. You can’t make “happy” happen anytime you feel a little stressed or down.
But you can decide that feelings aren’t the most important factor. You can look at yourself and say, Okay, I don’t feel like doing this. I, in fact, want to vomit at the thought of this… job, obligation, event, conversation, pile of child’s vomit to be cleaned up. But it still needs to be done. So I am going to do it.

When Not to Focus on the Feelings

It is not bad to have feelings, even negative feelings. Feelings are worthwhile. But feelings are not valid excuses for just checking out on the things we’ve committed to doing and being. But when we have these bad feelings, we tend to focus on fixing them so we can get on with the doing and being. It’s the wrong order, and it never works. The more we focus on the negative feelings, the bigger and scarier and more negative they become.

The best thing to do in those moments is to decide, in the simplest of ways, that you will just let those feelings sit there while you get on with the doing and being that is your life. Your life is not your feelings. Your life is effected by your feelings, but the moment you make that simple decision, the feelings lose a bit of their power.

You type a sentence in spite of the burn-out.
You smile at your child in spite of the frustration.
You hug your husband in spite of the stress.

When to Focus on the Feelings

Negative feelings are valid markers of something being wrong. But sometimes the “something wrong” is just too little sleep or too much navel-gazing. The moment the feelings are in full-blown attack is the worst time to start trying to analyze the cause. Worst, worst, worst.

Wait on it. Don’t worry about them. There they are, those feelings. If they’re indicating something you need to deal with, you’ve got time to deal with it. Later. After a good night’s sleep or a good meal or a long walk or some belly laughs. After the doing and being, go back and think through the feelings. You’ll have the gift of just enough distance to actually analyze them and their cause instead of getting swept up in their force.

This is how you start to grow up. This is how you start to accept feelings for what they are: part of your life, not all of your life.

Images

1. Sometimes you just want courtesy of Vale the Kid on Flickr.