SISTER WISDOM

Oh, joy, the haunting questions of motherhood. If you females didn’t have a guilt complex before you had a baby, I bet you got bit by one full-force in the postpartum days. Suddenly everything matters. Everything could be it – the mistake – the one wrong thing you do as a parent that is so wrong it warps your child unalterably.

What should my kids learn, what do I deal with, what is a normal part of childhood, what do I ignore?
What will they just grow out of?
What matters?
What will mess them up for the rest of their lives?
What will they tell their therapist about me?

More Haunting Questions. I’m Feeling Very Haunted Today.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I tend to a kind of parenting style I haven’t heard much about. It’s not permissive, it’s not authoritarian. It’s pendulum-swing-style parenting. It works like this: I know, know know know know know, that my children need boundaries, need to respect authority, need to know absolutes. So I set the line and I hold the line. I instruct, I train, I reprove, I discipline, I get exhausted, I feel overwhelmed, I feel guilty.

Am I going overboard?
Am I keeping them from expressing their creativity?
Am I stifling their little souls?
Am I damaging their emotions?
Am I making everything too big of a deal?

Wheee This Is Better Than Disney World

So I hop on the pendulum and swing to the other side… I ignore things. I only deal with “the big stuff.” I let it go. I give sweet little phrases meant as admonishment. I ask questions. I just dump choices on their heads. I check their preferences. I follow. They lead. I realize this is wrong. I realize we are falling apart.

I get back on the pendulum and swing to the other side.

And so it goes until we are all dizzy and confused.

This morning I read a verse that, I think, must be new to my Bible. At least I’ve never noticed it before.

“Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the tablet of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.” (Proverbs 3:3-4)

Let’s Get Together, Yeah Yeah Yeah

It’s that first part, do you see it?
Mercy and truth. Both of them. Mercy and truth together. Mercy and truth as a pair. Mercy and truth working together.

You see the connection, I’m sure. Truth, the authoritarian side, the black is black and white is white, the walk-the-line parent. Mercy, the empathetic heart, the emotional response, the nurturing, explaining, protecting parent. They’re supposed to work together. Really close together. Bound on your neck and written on your heart together.

I’m not sure how I missed that all this time. I’m not sure exactly what that looks like in parenting: how does it become an even, steady gait instead of a dizzying ride back and forth? I think now would be a good time to find out.

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Images

1. Requisite photo courtesy of EdenPictures on Flickr.