My goal is for my children to be as independent as they can be without hurting themselves or ignoring my authority.
Guilt-Free Independence
The only way children can have guilt-free independence is to be given clear limits and designated areas of freedom within those limits. Independence, too, is not the freedom to do whatever, whenever, however you want without regard to others. No true Christian ever has the “right” to that kind of irresponsibility, falsely deemed independence or freedom.
Freedom comes with limits, automatically, and the right way to teach children the real nature of freedom is to give them independence within certain constraints. For example, Mara has a shelf in her closet that is her “outfit” shelf. Once a week or so, I put 5 or 6 folded outfits on the shelf in a row. Every morning she is free to choose her outfit from that shelf. She has independence in choosing her outfit and dressing herself; she has limits in that her choice must come from a designated selection.
Freedom Is a Privilege
When the limits of freedom are ignored, a trust is broken; the right, the freedom, the independence has been abused. The only logical consequence is that the independence or freedom is either taken away completely or the privilege is reduced, the boundaries are tightened.
As a child, each freedom is a privilege. As an adult, certain freedoms we claim as rights but the vast majority are still privileges; when abused, they can be revoked. A child who is not willing to cheerfully respect the boundaries of his independence does not need more freedom but less.
Consequences of Abusing Freedom
I tell Mara and Robbie to stay in the front room and play while I take a basket of laundry to my bedroom. Three minutes later, I find them in the kitchen or wandering the hallway looking for me. What do I do? What is logical? Do I say, “Oh, I’m sorry, obviously you need more space and broader boundaries?”
No. He who is faithful in little will be faithful in much, and the converse is true: he who has not proven himself faithful in little will most likely not prove himself faithful with much. What I say is this: “Ah, you two disobeyed Mommy and went out of the limits I gave you. I can’t trust you with such big limits now. Go to the rug and stay there. Don’t leave the rug. That is your new limit.” Suddenly their freedom has been reduced. That’s a natural consequence of abusing freedom.
And my job now is to watch. The moment they edge off the rug, they receive a consequence. That’s how they learn to respect the limits that I put into place. (Conversely, as they show that they respect the limits I have put into place, I am now able to expand those limits for them.)
The Thing About Limits…
When kids break the boundaries and disregard the limits it is not because there is something wrong with the limits. No. It is because there is something wrong with the authority setting the limits: your authority. They do not respect your authority or believe your word, most likely because you have been inconsistent, threatening, repeating, and failing to stick to the limits you yourself put into place. You are not enforcing your own consequences, so they learn to disregard you.
Unfortunately, the lesson they are learning is one they will apply to all authority. You, the teacher in 6th grade, the state trooper, the new boss, and God. The home and the parents are the world for your child, and what she learns in the home and from the parents she applies to all places and all people.
I venture to say that it would be better for you to set no limits and at least let her learn from natural consequences than to set limits and threaten consequences which are ever-changing. At least she would learn something about the real nature of the world and the authority of God from natural consequences. She learns nothing helpful from your wavering. The lessons you teach her by vacillating are harmful lessons: how to manipulate, how to whine, that standards are not absolute, that authority is not to be respected, that there are no real absolutes, that rebellion pays off.
This Is Your Job
Ask yourself as a responsible parent: does your child need limits? Is he capable of setting reasonable boundaries for himself? No? Then it is your job to do so for him and your harm him when you waver and balk at this job. You leave him confused.
The limits are not the issue. Limits are circumstantial. Every child in every different culture and age has had a different set of limits, norms, standards applied. But there are still only two types of grown up people who emerge from all those countless variations of home, family, and parenting structures.
Pick One
The first type is the one who is happy, calm, capable, ready to serve or to lead, respectful of authority, and confident in his own powers in the world, creative, optimistic. The second type is the one who is panicked, uncertain, self-absorbed, insecure, selfish, moody, marked by a rebellious and apathetic spirit, with a stunted imagination and a dependency on society to define standards for him.
Yikes. I’ll take option A, please.
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Images
1. Lads a leaping courtesy of
DragonDrop on Flickr.