SISTER WISDOM

“God does not coerce us to follow Him. He invites us… He tells us what to do, and we find our happiness in doing it. We will not find it anywhere else. We will not find it by doing only what we want to do and not doing what we don’t want to do. That is the popular idea of what freedom is, but it does not work. Freedom lies in keeping the rules” (1).

I was pondering this whole concept of self-care yesterday on my solitary evening walk. Pondering it because there was a more-than-slight twinge of guilt about my own self-caring attitude.
Just that afternoon, my husband and I had been talking about our plans for the week and I was quick to clarify that my evening walk was important and had to be fit in, that I needed it, that it mattered just as much as his morning bike ride. Well, does it? Is it important, should it be fit in, do I need it, does it matter?

Another Way of Demanding

Sure, yes, certainly, without a doubt, and of course. But the need does not justify the attitude of demanding. Demanding is all about me, me, me, me, me. Certainly my dear husband should be kind enough to watch the kids so I can slip away and be alone and burn some calories. He should, but I should not demand it of him.

Self-care, often,  is simply teaching people how to be demanding in a more socially acceptable way.

I felt that in my spirit during that conversation with Joe. I wasn’t being rude, actually. I was speaking nicely and I wasn’t angry. But my heart was making its demands: you will do this for me or suffer the consequences (angry wife, silent treatment, no dinner…).

Removing God From the Picture

As I walked last night, I kept thinking about it and here’s what I’m pinning down as the real problem with the self-care solution to life’s problems: the avid practice of self-care places all authority and opportunity on you to take care of and provide for your own needs.

It removes God (and the people He has provided) from the picture. No one can offer you the cookie if you’ve already grabbed it from the plate. You cheat yourself out of a gift. Back off, grabby hands. Let’s talk this through.

I Will Lift Up My Eyes…

“…From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth” (2).

1. God is the RIGHT Source, Solution, Provider, and Protector. (Not you.)
2. God has different timing and different priorities than you do.
3. God uses imperfect people to deliver His resources to you.
4. It all boils down to pride, and the little problem it can be in our hearts. Would you rather be the rescued or be the hero? Would you rather be dependent or be in control?

Selfishness Taints the Good Stuff

The principle of self-care can result in a lot of good changes and better choices: people being honest, setting limits, cutting back work hours, getting more physically fit, taking adequate time to rest, spending more time with family, cutting off unhealthy habits, becoming more aware of the present, spending time on their passions instead of on distractions. Those are all good things, but they can be tainted by a demanding spirit.

The question I’m stuck on now is this: what is the Biblical solution, the correct counterpart to the secular self-care doctrine? Is it all just as simple as “die to self, die to self, die to self.” Where does that take us? Are we never allowed to say no?

An Experiment in Un-Self-Care

I’m not sure, exactly, but I’m trying a little experiment this week. Those evening walks: they are important to me. I recharge in solitude, and after a long busy day, having a peaceful, blessedly silent hour by myself is bliss. Plus I really, really want to lose this last 20 pounds.

But I’m going to quit demanding, either directly or by implication, that Joe get home on time, arrange his schedule to accomodate mine, watch the kids during the pre-dinner witching hour. He knows I love my walks, God knows I crave them, so I’m going to step back and just see what happens if I let myself be taken care of instead of trying to take care of myself.

Check in next week for the results.

References

1. Elliot, Elisabeth. Discipline: The Glad Surrender. Page 37.

2. Psalm 121:1, English Standard Version.

Images

1. Signposts – courtesy of sindesign on Flickr.

2. Lonely road – courtesy of sindesign on Flickr.