I know there’s plenty of conversation and controversy over what kids should, how much they should eat, whether you should make them eat or not… We discuss it endlessly, from when to start babies on solid food to how many snacks a toddler should get to the factors of childhood obesity.
I think it comes down to a simple statement: what and how your kids eat is a matter of training. Don’t misunderstand; I’m not saying you should spank them if they don’t clean their plates or force them to choke down a bowlful of mushy broccoli.
And I’m also not saying that my kids are perfect eaters (whatever that is). They prefer a cookie to a vegetable any day, and they push food around on their plates, and they “drop” things they don’t want to eat…
Because they’re still
in training.
Food Is a Battleground
I know that experts recommend not making meals a time of conflict. I know that we’re supposed to avoid making food, and whether kids eat it, a matter of discipline. The reasoning is that this is how we create eating disorders later in life, and that kids naturally know when they’re hungry, and that they will eat when they need to.
“Don’t Make Meals a Battle”
Um. I beg your pardon. Let’s start with the first point, “don’t make meals a battle.” Listen, I don’t know what the children of these experts were like, but with a fiercely independent two-year-old, everything is a battle. And how, in the the name of all things that are good parenting, does it help my child for me to be consistent, firm, and “the authority” in all things up till mealtime?
No toddler I know can, or will, separate life into neat categories that way: either you’re in charge or he is, and that’s that. If you do a great job of being a parent up till lunch time, then let him make the calls, all he knows is that somehow he’s in charge now. This is self-defeating behavior for a parent.
“This Is How We Create Eating Disorders”
Let’s move on to point two, “this is how we create eating disorders later in life.” Parental abuse is a cause of disorders (though, by far, not the only factor and certainly not always the cause): eating disorders, emotional disorders, and psychological disorders. But loving, clear, and consistent discipline – about anything – is not a cause of disturbances and disorders. If it were, then our kids would have disorders over everything that requires discipline: emotional disorders about saying please and thank you and sharing things, psychological disturbances over getting dressed, answering questions, and not running in the street.
Kids need training about what is best to eat just as they need training about what is best to say (not things like “Wow Mom that man is ugly!” or “Gimme that toy NOW!”).
“Kids Will Eat When They Need To”
Finally, point three: “kids naturally know when they’re hungry, and they will eat when they need to.” Well, yes, kids know when they’re hungry and mine have never had a problem communicating that. And yes, kids might eat when they need to but they might not eat what they need to. Any kid I’ve ever met will happily live on a diet of soda, cookies, and carbs – exclusively – for as long as he’s allowed. Children may also ignore their need for food if they are distracted, upset, overtired, or trying to be in charge.
I’ll give you a little example: Robbie (middle child, first son, strong-willed) was about 13 or 14 months when he learned to sign “more” and “please” for his food (I started teaching him much later than my other 2). He did it pleasantly and consistently for a few meals, so I knew he understood and remembered. Then we hit a point at lunch time one day and he simply refused. I was feeding him something, I told him to say please, and he would not. He had eaten about half his meal at that point, and I spent the next thirty minutes trying to get him to say please so he could finish his meal.
Finally I gave up: no please, no more food. I cleaned him off and got him down. Dinner time came. He sat in his little booster seat and signed please for maybe 2 bites, then steadfastly refused again. Another 20 or 30 minutes, and no change. He went to bed with only 2 bites of supper and I felt like a horrible mother.
Morning. I was so ready for breakfast. I wanted to feed my baby badly. I knew he would be hungry now. I just knew he would sign please and I could stuff his little belly full. Would you like to guess what happened? I offered the food, I told him to say please… and he refused. I say “refused” because I could tell he was making a conscious choice. Once again, I instructed and offered, over and over, for 20 minutes or so. Nothing. No change. Once again, I got him down out of his chair and felt like a horrible mother.
Now: did he need food at this point? Was he hungry? Did he instinctively know he wanted to eat? You bet! Of course he was hungry. Of course he needed food. Of course he knew he wanted it. But what he wanted more was to win, to be in charge, to exert his little will over Mommy.
Lunch time. I was praying. Into the seat Robbie went, and I sat down and I gave the instruction… and he did it. He signed please. He complied, peacefully and happily, with every bite and he ate a great lunch. And I felt like I wasn’t such a horrible mother, especially over the course of that afternoon and the next few days, as I saw a distinct change in his attitude toward me and Joe. He had been whiny and defiant and testing us at every turn; after the missed meals and Mommy’s win, it was like he got it. Oh. They really mean what they say. I can’t push them around.
(By the way, Robbie is still strong-willed, now, at 2 1/2, no surprise. He needs to know we are not messing around, and then he will comply, but if he senses uncertainty or weakness, he will do everything to take charge. He still chooses to test us over food at times; a couple of weeks ago it took him about 20 minutes to eat a single bite of avocado, with me standing right beside him and catching it every time he spit it out…).
My summary is this: Outright defiance deserves clear discipline, whether it is over food or anything else. Food is not a magical, mystical, disorder-laden area in life. It’s just part of life, like wearing clothes or taking baths or putting on seat belts. Children need to be taught the appropriate skills and behavior regarding food, just as they need to be taught skills and behavior for other parts of life. I am not saying that every meal should be a battle.
In fact, I am rather careful to decide when I’m willing to have a battle. Sometimes it’s not up to me; sometimes Mara or Robbie or Zeke acts in such a way that I am honor-bound, as a parent who wants to train according to the Bible, to respond with appropriate instruction and discipline. When that happens, I deal with it as I would any kind of misbehavior. Then we finish eating. When there isn’t any defiance or deliberate misbehavior, we sail along our merry dinner hour as smoothly as we can.
This week’s menu
Wkend: homemade mac’n'cheese with chicken and bacon (courtesy of Joe, our weekend blue-plate-special short-order cook. Love you honey!)
Monday: curry with white rice, green salad
Tuesday: dagwood sandwiches on homemade bread
Wednesday: chicken salad wraps
Thursday: spinach salad with strawberries, avocados, and whatever else looks good
Friday: friends over for dinner. Probably get Joe to do some amazing grill work on pork/steak kabobs, & serve them up with a big green salad, some fruit, and a dish of hot buttered pasta with Reggiano cheese.
And that’s as far as I’ve planned…
—
Linked up with OrgJunkie’s Menu Plan Monday.