SISTER WISDOM

I’ve been a new Mom three times in the last 4 years, so I feel like I should know something about this. Actually, I thought that when my third baby was born it would be almost a non-event. “Oh, look, another one! He’s cute… well, throw him in crib…” Okay. I exaggerate. It was definitely an event, hours worth, with a 10 pound 10 ounce blue baby at the end of it. Blue, yes, because he had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice. He has since recovered nicely and no longer looks like a Smurf. We are thankful, though we would love him anyway…

But surviving as a new Mom to your first baby is a different story than surviving to as a new Mom to your second or third. In fact, the advice I would give, were I so bold and arrogant as to do so, would be entirely different advice altogether. Like this (merely an example, I assure you, I’m not actually giving advice here):

Dear New Mom, Here’s How to Survive with Baby #1:

First, congratulations! Joy, happiness, and peace await you. In about 18 years. Right now you can have a lot of joy and happiness, maybe, but probably not much peace. In fact, let’s talk about that joy and happiness for a bit. Most new moms, though simply delighted to see their offspring and, sure, full of love, are also full of fatigue, self-doubt, guilt, frustration, fatigue, exhaustion, hormones, pain, guilt, did I mention fatigue?, anger, self-doubt, and… what was that other one?… oh, yes: a bewildering sense of how-in-the-heck-did-I-end-up-being-responsible-for-this-small-tiny-creature-and-what-do-I-do-with-it-now-and-nobody-told-me-it-would-be-like-this. That’s about it, I guess.

So if you’re not feeling just happy and joyful and beaming like a Gerber Mom should, give yourself a break and welcome to the club. Being a new Mom is an experience like no other. It’s great to be a Mom, but it’s exhausting. And it’s okay if you don’t feel oozing affection for this little creature all the time… this little creature who poops and pees and vomits on you, who expects you to hold, cuddle, feed, nurture, change, protect, and entertain, who awakens you, who screams at you, who cries for you, who disrupts your life, who doesn’t make sense, who won’t tell you what’s wrong… A certain amount of frustration is to be expected.

My best advice for you, dear new Mom to one special baby, is to give yourself a little more credit. You just protected and nurtured a tiny life through 9 iffy, intense months of development. You pushed and huffed and puffed and got that little baby out of you and into the world. You both need some adjustment time, now, so let yourself have it. If you feel depressed, talk about it. Don’t feel guilty about it. Talk to your husband, tell your Mom, call your sister. If it doesn’t get better, call your Doctor.

You’ll figure this out, one day at a time. You don’t really need advice so much as you need to relax and trust that not only will you survive, you will be a great Mom.

Dear Newish Mom, Here’s How to Survive with Baby #2:

Congratulations! It’s great that you have both a child and a baby, and I bet you’re a lot less nervous about the whole infancy thing this time around. Spit-up, poopy diapers, night-time feedings… you became a pro with your first baby. You’re not looking for tips on how to swaddle.
But maybe you’re looking for tips on what to do when you’re feeding baby #2 and child #1 wants to cuddle. Or how to handle those moments when baby #2 and child #1 are both screaming, not necessarily in the same room. Or how to still give child #1 your attention and love in the morning when you barely got 2 hours of sleep due to baby #2 needing your attention and love for most of the night. Those are the questions that haunt a 2nd-time Mom, and there aren’t any cut-and-paste answers. Sorry.

The thing to remember is that your experience with baby #2 will be different. You won’t have so much extra cuddle time. You don’t get to nap when baby does, because there’s another child in the picture. And, yes, life for that child will be different, too. Give yourself the freedom to mourn the loss of what was – you, as a Mom, being able to focus solely on your one child. That was special, but what you have now is special too. Grieve what is gone, because grief is part of it, but then realize how rich life will be now.
Your first child will never be loved less, but will learn to love more. Your baby has a built-in entertainer besides you! Juggling is part of the game for a while. Develop your juggling skills, and turn off your guilt monitor. Don’t waste a single moment of mothering on guilt that you’re not more-something or less-something-else. Here’s my recommendation for a daily schedule with two: food, love love love love love, food, love love love, food, love love love, collapse. Love them with all you’ve got in you and it’s enough, guaranteed. It’s enough even when you can’t cuddle, can’t come right away, can’t do it all right now, can’t be everywhere at once. That’s not how you measure love. Love is better than that, and so are you.

Dear Not-as-New Mom, Here’s How to Survive with Baby #3:

Congratulations on a third wonderful event. The first question I’m not going to ask you is, “So, is this it, or are you going to have MOOOORE?” I bet you’ve heard that one a few times, haven’t you? And, since you obviously made it through #1 and #2, no primers on potty-training or juggling or even on asking for help. You better have learned how to ask for help by now; you have, haven’t you?

The biggest, burning question of all for a Mom of 3 is this: how in the world do you manage to hold all three at once? Or, along those lines, how do you manage to have a conversation with your oldest without interruption? How do you keep up with the laundry? How do you have one-on-one time with your husband, let alone with your children? And how do you not miss the first-year-growing-milestones of your new baby while also looking after your other two? Oh, dilemmas.

A family of five is just a guarantee of controlled chaos, and the controlled part will vary from one day to the next. But you know what? Controlled chaos can be fun. Mama of 3, I have 2 words for you in this chaotic, intense, crazy, rich, fun but exhausting part of your life: focus and seize. Focus on what matters. When you clean, when you cook, when you go, when you stay, when you’re tired, when you’re energetic: focus on what matters. Forget the rest, for now.

Focus, and seize the special moments as they come. Your two big ones are watching a movie and you carry the baby in for a nap… it’s quiet, all is well, and though, yes, you could pop the baby in the crib and spend 10 minutes folding clothes before the end of the movie, don’t. SEIZE the moment. Cuddle your baby, nuzzle that little head, kiss and rock and sing and peek-a-boo and then, then go back to the rest of life. And when child #1 or child #2 wants to talk while you cook, plop them on the counter and let them chat away. Or take that offer from your husband to zip to the store with just child #1 while he watches the rest. Or zip off while he watches all three, because you need that, too, sometimes. Three is crazy, three is fun, and you’ll hit your rhythm as you go. It’s triple the love! Enjoy it.
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This post is part of the Parenting 101 Series at Sister Wisdom.