A problem shared is a problem halved.
Pull Out the “FAIL” Stamp
I am the worst person in the world to be writing any sort of advice about how to be transparent. I’m an introvert (mostly). My counterpart in the animal kingdom is a clam. I am really good at hiding my feelings, so good, in fact, that sometimes I don’t even know what I really feel. Crying for no reason, to me, is the equivalent of a big fat FAIL stamped on my forehead.
Transparency, to me, seems like the worst kind of weepy emotionalism in the world.
But somehow the alternate titles I had didn’t fit.
- Marriage Key: Isolation
- Marriage Key: Avoidance
- Marriage Key: Stoicism
Yeah.
How Do They Do That?
Even though I don’t like the emotional woman stereotype, and even though I kind of laugh at my more, er, expressive friends, to be quite honest (or transparent), I’m kind of jealous. I wish it were that easy, that natural for me to show emotions. I wish I didn’t have to actually make the conscious decision to let my guard down.
But I do. That’s me. And it’s a work in progress.
From the Trenches
All I can do is offer you some advice from the trenches. I don’t know much about transparency, but I do know this: if you want a happy marriage, you better start figuring out how to be transparent with your spouse.
You can’t build trust and intimacy when you’re not willing to let yourself be seen and known for who you really are. But that’s what is so difficult, because I know that who I am isn’t all that great sometimes. And to be transparent means to be vulnerable. It means that I let someone important see all the ugliness, all the pettiness, all the mistakes and pride and manipulation and jealousy and what-have-you.
Ech.
Real Love Welcomes You
The one and only reason I’m still pursuing this transparency concept is this: when you let yourself be known as you are, and you find that you are still accepted, you begin to experience love as you never have before.
If you’ve been holding your husband at arm’s length, stop. If you’ve been hiding who you really are behind no emotions or some sort of showy, shallow display, stop. Be real. Stop cheating yourself out of real love.
5-Minute Marriage Check
It’s tempting, oh so tempting, to use anger as a self-protective tool. We get emotional, and we show it, and then we feel vulnerable, so we get angry to cover up our own raw emotions.
Anger works really well.
Why is it so difficult for us to say calmly, even sweetly:
That hurt my feelings. I’m sad. I’m upset. I’m lonely. I’m confused. I need help. I’m uncertain. I have no confidence right now. I need a hug. I need a friend.
5-Minute Action Point
Your assignment is to pin your emotions down in that instant before the anger-drive kicks in and clouds everything. In that instant, define what you feel. Then share it; right away, if you can, or later, if you need a little while to turn the anger switch off.
Let your husband know what’s going on in your heart and in your head. If you can’t say it, write it down.
Whatever you do, be honest. Don’t let the instinct for self-defense keep you from the beauty of intimate, vulnerable, honest transparency.
Image courtesy of Janine.
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This post is {day 29} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.
It’s a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We’ll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We’ll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we’ve picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day’s reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.
Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.
Here’s to better, stronger, happier marriages!
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