Sometimes you just got to let it go.
Short End of the Shtick
I had a good cry last night and felt immensely better. It’s difficult for me to just cry, let out the excess emotion, and then pick up and go on with good heart: I want to analyze and find a problem that caused the need for the crying.
Sometimes there is no problem, or sometimes it isn’t a matter of fixing anything. It’s just the need for expression, release. Men go for sex, women have a good cry. Jeesh. Did we pick the wrong option on that one or what?
Let the Stereotype Speak
As much as I hate stereotypes, especially the one about the weepy-emotional woman, sometimes we could learn a little from them. Women do tend to be more emotional than men. It is what it is. And that ability to feel often becomes a sensitivity that leaves us hurt by and, eventually, bitter toward our own husbands.
How To Deal
There’s nothing inherently wrong with anger, mind you. And when our husbands are rude or insensitive, or when we just have a bad day, there’s a logical kind of response in the hurt or offense we feel. That’s not the problem. The problem is how we deal with it.
Too often, we have methods that go like this: we get hurt by something said or done, unsaid or undone. We either argue about it, resolving nothing, or we stuff it, resolving nothing. We decide to ignore it and go on with life, but we don’t really let go. It sits there.
Insert Gardening Analogy Here
Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.
(Hebrews 12:15, NLT)
The unforgiven hurt and the unforgotten offense take root in our hearts. The next time an offense happens, suddenly you’re not having to deal just with it but with a whole host of ‘em, who’ve been camping out just waiting for their big chance.
When you’re overwhelmed by an army of past offenses, it’s hard to hold your own. Objectivity becomes almost impossible. The feelings of every offense that is still alive in your heart merge into one huge, unmanageable flood and you start drowning in it, dragging your husband along with you.
Pull ‘Em Up!
A root of bitterness grows whenever you find a reason to justify holding on to that anger or offense.
A root of bitterness springs up whenever you choose not to forgive.
A root of bitterness gets a little deeper when you don’t deal with it, when you ignore it, stuff it, save it, smooth over it without really forgiving and forgetting.
And those roots become weeds, and the weeds take over all the acreage you’ve got, and soon you’re choking. You try to be loving, and kind, and friendly, but you’ve almost forgotten how. The weeds are choking out the good stuff.
You’ve got to pull up the weeds.
5-Minute Marriage Check
I think one of the most difficult requirements in marriage is the necessity of forgiving the same offense over and over again. Every repeat gives you, supposedly, more of a reason to be hurt. You’ve talked about this before. He should know. He should remember. He is so insensitive. I can’t believe he did it again.
Offense of some kind is inevitable in any human relationship that endures. And we tend to be creatures of habit. You have a particular personality, and you have particular values. So does he. Where those personalities and values clash is where the offenses occur. Stands to reason they’re going to occur more than once, because nobody’s personality or values are going to change overnight.
The first challenge is to see it as it is, no more. (Don’t assume he hates you, dislikes you, or doesn’t care just because it happened.)
The second challenge is to forgive. (Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.)
The third challenge is to forget. (When it comes to mind again, you must deliberately and strongly reject it.)
5-Minute Action Point
Let all bitter, sharp and angry feeling, and noise, and evil words, be put away from you, with all unkind acts; And be kind to one another, full of pity, having forgiveness for one another, even as God in Christ had forgiveness for you.
(Ephesians 4:31-32, BBE)
You can be angry, or you can be full of compassion.
You can be sharp, or you can be kind.
You can be offended, or you can be tenderhearted.
You can be bitter, or you can be forgiving.
Freely we have received; let us freely give.
Image courtesy of Soundmonster.
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This post is {day 27} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.
It’s a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We’ll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We’ll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we’ve picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day’s reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.
Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.
Here’s to better, stronger, happier marriages!
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